the-other-guy Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 Hi everyone, im new to the forum and found it while looking for some advice. The story goes like this; Ive been friends w/ benefits with someone since the beginning of highschool, we were also best friends. Its been quite a few years since then but just a few months ago he started getting involved with someone else. Originally they weren't exactly in a relationship but it started to get serious with his boyfriend. When i found out he was in a real relationship i told him i thought we should stop. He told me he felt very strongly about his boyfriend but that he still wanted us to continue. Originally i told him no, but he started to really hate me, it was difficult because we all share the same group of friends. We decided to continue until the summer break in which case we would go our seperate ways and then just be friends when school resumed (real kicker is were all living together next year with a couple other people...just great). Then he decided one day out of the blue that we were going to stop because he loved his boyfriend too much. I told him i was glad he came to that decision. Then he told his boyfriend that he had cheated on him with me. Now his boyfriend hates me, he hates me and i feel terrible about the whole thing. I told them if there was anything i could do to make it up to them i would, but my ex-friend told me to leave his boyfriend alone and give it time. Any advice? Am i wholly to blame? anything you guys will say would be greatly appreciated. Thanks P.S. incase you guys were wondering him and his boyfriend are both gay and im bi...might make it a bit easier to understand lol
jennie-jennie Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 His boyfriend should put the blame where the blame is due - on his partner. It is not like you went in and seduced your friend when he was in a relationship, you two were already friends with benefits.
OldEurope Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 (edited) Hello Other Guy, Do not be "offended" if you do not receive heaps of replies here as many of the ladies might not be sure of how to answer to a situation that is homosexual. They might not want to "misdiagnose" what you are going through...Otherwise, if you read other threads here, you still might find the answers that you need. That said, I will assume that the "psychology" is the same as matters of the heart go, and would advise you in the following way: Back off. Just step back, and let your friend, and his friend have a bit of breathing space from this uncomfortable sequence of events. You should not apologize. The feelings between you and your then friend-with-benefits boyfriend, were expressed as mutual, and you and your friend entered into a relationship on your own volition--he as much as you. Don't let the "triangulation" here and their "ganging up" on you throw you off. Stand your ground... One other thing. All right---You mention that you are "Bi". I happen to be someone who does not believe there is such a thing , that one is one or the other. Having said this--and please, if you'll just regard that as a personal opinion on my part--your being this way, as you see it, MAY have a bearing on what your friend thinks of you and long term prospects. What I think you might ask yourself is the following. If you describe yourself this way, your friend might think: Well, he is not to be taken "seriously", he could just as very well "cross lines" (so to speak), I do not see him for the long-term. In other words, your friend might have "dismissed" you in his mind based on this very state of mixed preference that you claim. I am just speculating, of course... Still, back to my main advice: as with all such similar cases: keep your head up, hang way back, maintain your pride and self-confidence, and let the fog lift and carry away on its own. The heart wants what it wants, and let your friend come to you. DO NOT become the "blame" or easy target in what was clearly a heart-felt and genuine sentiment on your part--not to mention his. You might re-think the character of your friend when you have some time to reflect without emotion blurring your field of vision. PS: No more "friends with benefits". A ruinous concept if there ever was one. xo OE Edited March 7, 2010 by OldEurope
norajane Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 I'd say you need to find another living arrangement instead of living with them. And it wouldn't hurt to expand your circle of friends so you aren't dependent on these people. It sounds like you tried to do the right thing by backing off in the first place, this guy talked you into continuing as an affair and manipulated you into it by "hating" you, and now you're getting blamed by everyone. I'd be pissed off if I were you instead of worrying about getting back into their good graces. And, by the way, your "friend" is not actually a friend. He sounds like selfish pig willing to cheat on his boyfriend and throw you under the bus. Why would his bf blame you for anything unless your "friend" made it sound like you were the one who wanted to continue your fwb relationship as an affair after they started dating? He may not want you to talk to his bf because then you'd find out that he lied to his bf about who wanted to continue the affair.
Author the-other-guy Posted March 7, 2010 Author Posted March 7, 2010 Thanks for the replies so far, I'm getting the feeling that he didn't tell his boyfriend the whole story. He's been acting like a jerk lately too and his boyfriend just isn't saying anything. Unfortunately i can't change the living arrangements, the lease has already been signed . And yes, i am officially done with the whole fwb thing, that and being with anyone in your close circle of friends. Just too complicated.
Brokenlady Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 If I read your story correctly, there was never a time when your friend was not cheating on the new boyfriend. And it sounds safe to assume that your friend didn't bother telling his new boyfriend about this arrangment before they got involved. But I get the impression that you knew of this omission. It might help me understand all this if you could explain why you kept going with the fw thing after he had a boyfriend. If there was no emotion involved (as is supposed to be the point of fwb), what was so compelling that it made you want to continue?
Author the-other-guy Posted March 7, 2010 Author Posted March 7, 2010 If I read your story correctly, there was never a time when your friend was not cheating on the new boyfriend. And it sounds safe to assume that your friend didn't bother telling his new boyfriend about this arrangment before they got involved. But I get the impression that you knew of this omission. It might help me understand all this if you could explain why you kept going with the fw thing after he had a boyfriend. If there was no emotion involved (as is supposed to be the point of fwb), what was so compelling that it made you want to continue? The problem with the relationship was that he said he was physically attracted to me, and if we weren't involved he hated me for not wanting to be involved with him (his words). I guess that means he was emotionally attached and i wasn't? This person was my best friend throughout highschool. The compulsion to continue was in order to remain friends atleast until the summer. He's leaving for 14 weeks and he said after that he would feel no attachment to me whatsoever and it wouldn't be a problem to stop (again, his words but maybe not exactly). I had repeatedly attempted to stop our fwb relationship lately but on multiple occasions he called me selfish and started to really hate me. My options were get new friends or continue the relationship until a point where he would stop himself, which was coming in about a month or so. I decided the latter was a better idea.
Author the-other-guy Posted March 7, 2010 Author Posted March 7, 2010 It was probably selfish of me to continue with the fwb relationship on the grounds that i wasn't really thinking about his boyfriend. But my friend was the kind of person that doesn't like to "label" relationships. So for the first bit the "boyfriend" didn't really know if they were dating or not. He told me "it's weird because i dont feel bad about cheating on him, and in some way i think even if he found out he wouldn't care." obviously the boyfriend cares because he found out and now neither of them talks to me.
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