BB07 Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 Thanks for the words of encouragment. His W won't be D him, she pretty much told me last night that she'll take anything he throws at her. I've always said this was the case. She told me she doesn't believe a word that comes out of his mouth and when I said so stop being a doormat and change things she broke down and said she loved him with every bone in her body..... Love is NOT supposed to hurt and if she is allowing herself to come back again and again for that kind of punishment, then she has big issues. BTW.......This isn't going to be the popular opinion, but here goes. Everyone is jumping into the fire by saying that her H actions drove her to the OD and that H4U is held harmless. Come on now:(........it's not fair to blame anyone, including the husband or H4U. Unless he assisted her with that OD, you can't blame him either. We all are responsible for our own mental health regardless of the things that happen to us or the ****ty things people do to us. We are RESPONSIBLE for ourselves and our actions, not someone else. Just my 2 cents worth.
Angel1111 Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 (edited) Well, we all feel you have done the right thing in telling her the truth - as she asked. If anything is said at work (you and he work at the same company?) .. Just memorize three quick words: She called me. And if that's not enough for him, you can add another 4 words: 'You cheated on her.' h4u, for him to blame you means that he doesn't want to take responsibility for the fact that he is ultimately the responsible one for cheating on his wife in the first place. For whatever reason he did it, he did it. He made the decision to go down that road. I agree that his wife's decision to overdose was her own dumb choice but, of course, she had her reasons for doing that. I think she did it in order to make him feel guilty and to take the focus off of his feelings for you. She did this deliberately, knowing it would put a deeper rift in your relationship with him. If she's ok having her husband stay with her out of guilt, then so be it. The games people play... Edited March 7, 2010 by Angel1111
fooled once Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 And if that's not enough for him, you can add another 4 words: 'You cheated on her.' h4u, for him to blame you means that he doesn't want to take responsibility for the fact that he is ultimately the responsible one for cheating on his wife in the first place. For whatever reason he did it, he did it. He made the decision to go down that road. I agree that his wife's decision to overdose was her own dumb choice but, of course, she had her reasons for doing that. I think she did it in order to make him feel guilty and to take the focus off of his feelings for you. She did this deliberately, knowing it would put a deeper rift in your relationship with him. If she's ok having her husband stay with her out of guilt, then so be it. The games people play... And you know this how? We see on here so many OW who, after the affair has ended, have stated how they don't want to go on, how they are so depressed they can't get out of bed, they can't function, they use alcohol and medication to get them through the day; yet a wife who is deceived for months, lied to repeatedly, has had probably most of her life wrapped up in a man, shouldn't feel what the OW has felt, yet magnified?
bentnotbroken Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 You told the truth. Her actions are hers to own and as someone who came very close to suicide, it's not always about manipulation. Sometimes it's just to stop the pain. Her WS shouldn't expect anyone to cover for his gaslighting.
bentnotbroken Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 And you know this how? We see on here so many OW who, after the affair has ended, have stated how they don't want to go on, how they are so depressed they can't get out of bed, they can't function, they use alcohol and medication to get them through the day; yet a wife who is deceived for months, lied to repeatedly, has had probably most of her life wrapped up in a man, shouldn't feel what the OW has felt, yet magnified? I know. Confusing isn't it? Anyway H4U you did the right thing.
Angel1111 Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 And you know this how? We see on here so many OW who, after the affair has ended, have stated how they don't want to go on, how they are so depressed they can't get out of bed, they can't function, they use alcohol and medication to get them through the day; yet a wife who is deceived for months, lied to repeatedly, has had probably most of her life wrapped up in a man, shouldn't feel what the OW has felt, yet magnified? I don't know it - that's why I said that 'I think'.
norajane Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 Yeah, maybe it's time you change your phone number.
fooled once Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 I don't know it - that's why I said that 'I think'. But what makes you think this? That was my question; why do you think that? Why do you think it was manipulation?
califnan Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 Love is NOT supposed to hurt and if she is allowing herself to come back again and again for that kind of punishment, then she has big issues. BTW.......This isn't going to be the popular opinion, but here goes. Everyone is jumping into the fire by saying that her H actions drove her to the OD and that H4U is held harmless. Come on now:(........it's not fair to blame anyone, including the husband or H4U. Unless he assisted her with that OD, you can't blame him either. We all are responsible for our own mental health regardless of the things that happen to us or the ****ty things people do to us. We are RESPONSIBLE for ourselves and our actions, not someone else. Just my 2 cents worth. ------------------- I agree BB07 .. There could be children involved, there is responsibility of actions even for the wife - in the case of attempted suicide ..
whichwayisup Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 ------------------- I agree BB07 .. There could be children involved, there is responsibility of actions even for the wife - in the case of attempted suicide .. Love how this all falls back on the wife. I'm being sarcastic ofcourse. She has been lied to for MONTHS by both Hopeless and her husband. Ddays happen, over and over, promises were made by hopeless to call MM's wife if he attempted contact. She lied back then, weeks ago about this, omitted truths.. Now, she comes clean and MM's wife is REELING. Yet, it is ALL HER (WIFE) fault that she's having an emotional breakdown and did something extreme.... Not MM's fault at all.. OK, sure.
Brokenlady Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 I agree that his wife's decision to overdose was her own dumb choice but, of course, she had her reasons for doing that. I think she did it in order to make him feel guilty and to take the focus off of his feelings for you. She did this deliberately, knowing it would put a deeper rift in your relationship with him. If she's ok having her husband stay with her out of guilt, then so be it. OR, perhaps her lying scumbag H is lying about the supposed suicide attempt to make H4U feel guilty and dissuade her from speaking the W again if she calls. This jerk is clearly a manipulator yet everyone is taking his word for this?
bentnotbroken Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 Love how this all falls back on the wife. I'm being sarcastic ofcourse. She has been lied to for MONTHS by both Hopeless and her husband. Ddays happen, over and over, promises were made by hopeless to call MM's wife if he attempted contact. She lied back then, weeks ago about this, omitted truths.. Now, she comes clean and MM's wife is REELING. Yet, it is ALL HER (WIFE) fault that she's having an emotional breakdown and did something extreme.... Not MM's fault at all.. OK, sure. I am sorry if I came off that way. I don't believe the liar is blameless. I just meant that yes the action would be hers to own(as I believe mine would have), but that being in so much pain caused by another person. One you thought loved you, one who emotionally abused you, one who allowed another to enter and help turn your life upside down. I didn't mean to make it sound like the whole thing was her fault. Sorry.
BB07 Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 Love how this all falls back on the wife. I'm being sarcastic ofcourse. She has been lied to for MONTHS by both Hopeless and her husband. Ddays happen, over and over, promises were made by hopeless to call MM's wife if he attempted contact. She lied back then, weeks ago about this, omitted truths.. Now, she comes clean and MM's wife is REELING. Yet, it is ALL HER (WIFE) fault that she's having an emotional breakdown and did something extreme.... Not MM's fault at all.. OK, sure. Did I say she didn't have a right to not have a emotional breakdown, NO I didn't. She has every right to feel how ever she feels and yes she is married to an asshat, but I'm talking about the OD ONLY, that is her doing not anyone else's.
califnan Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 Love how this all falls back on the wife. I'm being sarcastic ofcourse. She has been lied to for MONTHS by both Hopeless and her husband. Ddays happen, over and over, promises were made by hopeless to call MM's wife if he attempted contact. She lied back then, weeks ago about this, omitted truths.. Now, she comes clean and MM's wife is REELING. Yet, it is ALL HER (WIFE) fault that she's having an emotional breakdown and did something extreme.... Not MM's fault at all.. OK, sure. ----------------------- No Whichway .. We all know who the CAD is - there are three pages of it (so far) .. The little woman is only in the beginning stages of it .. my husband did, after all - leave me for the other woman .. And because of fraud in the divorce - it was the world's harriest divorce .. and I was a vegetable in the beginning times ... I am only saying all of this to illustrate my point that it would have been Even More Hurtful to my sons if I would have done a suicide attempt during all of this .. Everyone must take responsibility because there could be innocent people involved ..
whichwayisup Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 It's okay, BNB. My comment wasn't directed at you at all.. And yes, she is responsible for her choices, but one has to think that she's having a total meltdown and doing/saying things she normally wouldn't do. She's pushed past her limit, and who knows WHAT her husband said to make it worse. We only have H's version of what HE told her about his wife... Maybe he is omitting more facts and he made it worse by trying to lie again.. BL you could be right. It is possible MM is exaggerating. maybe his wife THREATENED, who knows? Hopeless, time to close the door forever on this. don't ask questions, don't offer anything more to either of them. Turn it off and tell yourself no more.
Brokenlady Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 I considered that he was lying to her about the pills as a way to make her feel guilty for talking to the W. But it seems like something this serious would be verifyable, no? Man, if he really did that, that would make him an A #1 dillhole. Short of h4u canvassing the neighbors if they saw an ambulance I don't see how this is verifiable. At least in the US, medical info is protected.
jj33 Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 His W overdosed and he called you to see what you said? He is a total piece of work... whatever you felt for him before I hope you are well and truly finished with him now. His actions have caused his W to try to take her own life and all he cares about his covering his azz. Its so so sad. This is who he is. Remember that. Agree with the group. She called you and moreover she deserved the truth. He had obviously been gaslighting her for months. You freed her by telling her the truth. Once she recovers from the overdose and the shock of the news she can decide what she wants to do going forward. I really feel for her. She loves this man so fully and he doesnt deserve her devotion.
PhoenixRise Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 What a horrid turn of events Hopeless this is not your fault. YOU did the right thing by telling her the truth. This MM is a real SOB for implying/ saying that the fault is yours for telling her the truth. I have to say I am so disturbed by the chorus of people here assuming that the W did this as a manipulation. There is no evidence to support this assertion. Perhaps she really DID want to die. There is a "gaslight" thread on this forum where many BS reported feeling like they were losing their minds. Reported losing themselves in the web of lies and deceit. Reported how horrible it felt to no longer be able to trust their own perceptions and judgments. AND who knows what other stresses are in her life in addition to her H affair. All the other "stuff" in your life doesn't just go on hiatus so that you can calmly think about what you should do, feel, and think about your H's betrayal. Hopefully she will recover and will have no lasting damage. Hopeless I will agree with some of the other posters. Stay FAR away from this MM and stay out of their marriage completely. If she ever calls again (she probably won't ) tell her you are no longer a part of the situation and you want to be left out of it.
whichwayisup Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 Short of h4u canvassing the neighbors if they saw an ambulance I don't see how this is verifiable. At least in the US, medical info is protected. Many cities should have their local fire department online and there are ways of checking incidents that happen. Check twitter too... See if it adds up Hopeless.. the more I think of it, the more I wonder now if he is lying/exaggerating this. It could be she freaked out and he got scared, called 911 and they have her in the hospital being assessed. Much different than her OD'ing.. i'm just guessing here.. But, all you have is HIS word. How's that..
bittersweet memories Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 And if that's not enough for him, you can add another 4 words: 'You cheated on her.' h4u, for him to blame you means that he doesn't want to take responsibility for the fact that he is ultimately the responsible one for cheating on his wife in the first place. For whatever reason he did it, he did it. He made the decision to go down that road. I agree that his wife's decision to overdose was her own dumb choice but, of course, she had her reasons for doing that. I think she did it in order to make him feel guilty and to take the focus off of his feelings for you. She did this deliberately, knowing it would put a deeper rift in your relationship with him. If she's ok having her husband stay with her out of guilt, then so be it. The games people play... Wow..thats crap:rolleyes:
bentnotbroken Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 It's okay, BNB. My comment wasn't directed at you at all.. And yes, she is responsible for her choices, but one has to think that she's having a total meltdown and doing/saying things she normally wouldn't do. She's pushed past her limit, and who knows WHAT her husband said to make it worse. We only have H's version of what HE told her about his wife... Maybe he is omitting more facts and he made it worse by trying to lie again.. BL you could be right. It is possible MM is exaggerating. maybe his wife THREATENED, who knows? Hopeless, time to close the door forever on this. don't ask questions, don't offer anything more to either of them. Turn it off and tell yourself no more. I agree. She was certainly was pushed over the limit.
bittersweet memories Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 Love how this all falls back on the wife. I'm being sarcastic ofcourse. She has been lied to for MONTHS by both Hopeless and her husband. Ddays happen, over and over, promises were made by hopeless to call MM's wife if he attempted contact. She lied back then, weeks ago about this, omitted truths.. Now, she comes clean and MM's wife is REELING. Yet, it is ALL HER (WIFE) fault that she's having an emotional breakdown and did something extreme.... Not MM's fault at all.. OK, sure. Thank you very much.. How easy people forget, 3 week ago she was talking really bad about the wife blaming her for everything and praising the hell out of him. This is after discovery day... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t221202/ This is where I get confused of why she stays with him. He has told her this and knows in her heart he will never be able to keep up NC with me, even as friends. He is a good man and has been manipulated for most of his life by the 'women' in his life, W and M and it kills me. He is still being manipulated and he just can't see it, knows no better or wants to be where he is!! So confusing?? There is so much more to this man but he has no chance of being himself while he is 'doing the right thing' He knows who his wife is and what he can tell her and he knows who his best friend is and his best friend will be there for him no matter what his decision is. Thats what makes us solid. And now you want to do the right thing and come clean..
Angel1111 Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 But what makes you think this? That was my question; why do you think that? Why do you think it was manipulation? Because her attempt at overdose was unsuccessful, thank goodness. I just think that it looks like it was an attempt at making him feel guilty. I'm not trying to say that the situation isn't sad - it is. I do understand her pain and it's very, very sad. So many people get hurt in these situations.
Angel1111 Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 OR, perhaps her lying scumbag H is lying about the supposed suicide attempt to make H4U feel guilty and dissuade her from speaking the W again if she calls. This jerk is clearly a manipulator yet everyone is taking his word for this? This seems farfetched but I guess it's a possibility. Actually, the more I think about this, I think you guys are right and I was being too clinical in my answer. I have to admit that if my xMMs wife overdosed because of something I was a part of, it would freak me out, even if she was the one who called me wanting answers. I guess it's easy to sit back and look at it clinically but I do know I wouldn't take this news lightly. It's really sad and I wouldn't want to know I had anything to do with it. Not that I think you were wrong, h4u, in talking to her but I wouldn't be surprised if this is upsetting you more than you might realize.
White Flower Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 No I didn't embellish anything, I actually held back things I knew would tip her over the edge but from how xMM spoke to me it sounded like he blamed whatever I'd said was what made her do it. Did you call her back to verify this? Maybe he is just so peaved at you that he made it up? I would call her and ask her yourself if she is ok. Ah! I just see the post above mine suggests the same thing. Sorry I came on late to this thread.
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