Should I of lied to xMM's W??

[hopeless4u]

So I took the advice from here and from my friends.

xMM went back to his W after 3 weeks away as expected.

I initiated complete NC including work, told him he has chosen to be with his W and that means a life without me in it as I won't lie to her.

It was the hardest thing I've ever done but I did it and stuck by what I'd said. Its been 10 days.

xMM was coming into my office yesterday so I booked the afternoon off work so I wouldn't see him, came home and felt ok.

 

Anyway to cut a long story short, xMM's W rang my home number last night (no caller id). She was crying and all over the place saying she needed to talk to me as she needed the truth...we talked, I answered her questions, again....So after an hour of her basically telling me she couldn't live like this and she loved him with every bone in her body....you get the picture (wasn't nice to hear) she finally hung up.

I was nothing but polite, maybe a little blunt at times but answered her truthfully.

 

Then an hour or so later my mobile phone rang with a number I didn't know, it was xMM asking what had been said as his W had taken an overdose!!

 

So obviously more was said but I've tried to keep it as short as possible.

 

 

Should I of lied, hung up??

[califnan]

So I took the advice from here and from my friends.

xMM went back to his W after 3 weeks away as expected.

I initiated complete NC including work, told him he has chosen to be with his W and that means a life without me in it as I won't lie to her.

It was the hardest thing I've ever done but I did it and stuck by what I'd said. Its been 10 days.

xMM was coming into my office yesterday so I booked the afternoon off work so I wouldn't see him, came home and felt ok.

 

Anyway to cut a long story short, xMM's W rang my home number last night (no caller id). She was crying and all over the place saying she needed to talk to me as she needed the truth...we talked, I answered her questions, again....So after an hour of her basically telling me she couldn't live like this and she loved him with every bone in her body....you get the picture (wasn't nice to hear) she finally hung up.

I was nothing but polite, maybe a little blunt at times but answered her truthfully.

 

Then an hour or so later my mobile phone rang with a number I didn't know, it was xMM asking what had been said as his W had taken an overdose!!

 

So obviously more was said but I've tried to keep it as short as possible.

 

 

Should I of lied, hung up??

 

You did perfect .. Maybe the overdose was for his benefit to supposedly draw him closer to her ? .. But bottom line is: You have not encouraged him, you have kept NC with him - And even so - The best thing we can do for anyone is to tell them the Truth - especially when they ask for the truth - as she did ..

[hopeless4u]

No. She initiated the call. You shouldn't have had to lie for him. Now, had you embellished things simply for the sake of hurting her, that would be another story. But it doesn't appear that you did that. You can't be responsible for her actions upon learning the truth. She is.

Keep up the NC. It's their mess to deal with now.

 

No I didn't embellish anything, I actually held back things I knew would tip her over the edge but from how xMM spoke to me it sounded like he blamed whatever I'd said was what made her do it.

[2sunny]

you did great! be proud of yourself!

[fooled once]

Sounds to me like he had once again been lying to her and when she heard your truth, it was more than she had bargained for.

 

My heart hurts for her, because she was once again blindsided by this a** hole of a husband. She deserves better than him. It amazes me what people do to the ones they "love". What a coward he is -- what an ultimate coward. She didn't deserve what he has done to her mental health.

[hopeless4u]

You did perfect .. Maybe the overdose was for his benefit to supposedly draw him closer to her ? .. But bottom line is: You have not encouraged him, you have kept NC with him - And even so - The best thing we can do for anyone is to tell them the Truth - especially when they ask for the truth - as she did ..

 

Thanks, I do think the overdose was for him, to keep him but I am a bit angry that I was dragged into it.

I do understand she is hurting and doesn't know which way to turn but to ring me breaking down asking for the truth then doing this has obviously played on my mind.

I don't even know if she's ok.

[hopeless4u]

you did great! be proud of yourself!

 

 

I was very proud of myself until this.....all on my mind again now.

[2sunny]

I was very proud of myself until this.....all on my mind again now.

 

don't go there. be proud that she asked for your truth and you were willing to be honest. that is great progress.

[hopeless4u]

Sounds to me like he had once again been lying to her and when she heard your truth, it was more than she had bargained for.

 

My heart hurts for her, because she was once again blindsided by this a** hole of a husband. She deserves better than him. It amazes me what people do to the ones they "love". What a coward he is -- what an ultimate coward. She didn't deserve what he has done to her mental health.

 

My heart hurts for her to but she has made the decision to stay with him so why keep dragging me back in?

she told me she rang me because I was the only person that has told her the truth in all this but TBH its not for me to say anymore....

As much as I know she is hurting, so am I. I was getting to the next stage and now I feel like I've gone right back to DDay.

[califnan]

My heart hurts for her to but she has made the decision to stay with him so why keep dragging me back in?

she told me she rang me because I was the only person that has told her the truth in all this but TBH its not for me to say anymore....

As much as I know she is hurting, so am I. I was getting to the next stage and now I feel like I've gone right back to DDay.

 

Well, we all feel you have done the right thing in telling her the truth - as she asked. If anything is said at work (you and he work at the same company?) .. Just memorize three quick words: She called me.

[NoIDidn't]

Wow. What a turn of events! First, let me say that you did good. You are not the cause of her overdose. Second, let me say that its not fair for anyone here to assert that she did it for his attention or to keep him. He'd already gone back to her. She did it because she was emotionally distraught. Maybe what was said to her was too much for her to bear, but that's not your fault, hopeless. She asked for information that she possibly wasn't ready for, as her H is a liar and a cheat and has probably been leading her through a scenic route to the garden path for months.

 

This is not your fault. Clear your conscience of it. This was her decision to do, but his actions pushed her over the edge. His lies did this to her.

 

I hope she gets herself back together, as this, the overdose, can be very hard to recover from. He's a jerk. He shouldn't have called you to tell you that. He only did it because he doesn't want to accept responsibility for being a lousy H to her. For breaking her heart like that. I don't like to call names, but I think he deserves everything you want to call him right now - and I'm being tame. He never should have called you to tell you this. He should have been on the phone with emergency services, and HER family members. But I bet he's too weak to face them with this tale.

 

God, this burns me up. But no, hl4u, this is NOT your fault. You don't own this, he does.

[NoIDidn't]

Well, we all feel you have done the right thing in telling her the truth - as she asked. If anything is said at work (you and he work at the same company?) .. Just memorize three quick words: She called me.

 

She doesn't even have to say that. Its not about the phone call, its about his lies. She got the truth that he'd been denying her for months. He should have been the one to tell her the truth. And after finding out how much she had been lied to, she couldn't handle it.

 

She needs to remind MM, if he has the gall to approach her at work after the condition he's left his W in, that this is HIS doing. His W had been seeking the truth since D-day. He's been lying to her. He needs to stop contacting hl4u and start nurturing his W back to health - so she can get busy divorcing him.

[hopeless4u]

Well, we all feel you have done the right thing in telling her the truth - as she asked. If anything is said at work (you and he work at the same company?) .. Just memorize three quick words: She called me.

 

Thank You. Yeah we do work at the same company and yes I will say exactly that. The people that know about us know that is why I booked the afternoon off so I wouldn't see him.

[Brokenlady]

No I didn't embellish anything, I actually held back things I knew would tip her over the edge but from how xMM spoke to me it sounded like he blamed whatever I'd said was what made her do it.

 

Yeah, Heaven forbid that the problem was his actions - just that you told the truth about the actions. Sounds like he's incapable of taking responsibility.

[moaningmyrtle]

I know this must be awful for you as you probably never set out with the idea that somebody might be driven to consider taking their own life. It is probably a cry for help on her part and is directed at him, but almost certainly she is in enormous pain to have gone to those lengths.

 

His wife may normally be a stable person but the A has pushed her over the edge. Believe me I know this can happen to the most sane and mentally stable person. I passively waited for death every day in the first few months. I looked at buses passing by and while I wasn't tempted to throw myself in front of them I did wonder how hard I would jump if one actually veered off the road in my direction.

 

Yes the A that you had with her H has precipitated this and yes your actions in having the A have contributed. Once d-day occurred it was a foregone conclusion that all of you involved were going to be badly hurt and probably she most of all.

 

But given that the A happened, IMO you did the right thing in telling her the truth. It's one of those situations where you have to decide at some stage to behave honourably. My H never set out to hurt the 2 women he cared about and certainly didn't want to behave destructively towards his own children in relation to their family life. Nevertheless having the A achieved just that. Once on that path with a d-day looming it was all horribly inevitable.

 

I'm really sorry you are in this situation - it doesn't happen with all As but it happens enough.

[Brokenlady]

He's a jerk. He shouldn't have called you to tell you that. He only did it because he doesn't want to accept responsibility for being a lousy H to her.

 

I second this. He only told you about this to shift responsibility - again.

[hopeless4u]

She doesn't even have to say that. Its not about the phone call, its about his lies. She got the truth that he'd been denying her for months. He should have been the one to tell her the truth. And after finding out how much she had been lied to, she couldn't handle it.

 

She needs to remind MM, if he has the gall to approach her at work after the condition he's left his W in, that this is HIS doing. His W had been seeking the truth since D-day. He's been lying to her. He needs to stop contacting hl4u and start nurturing his W back to health - so she can get busy divorcing him.

 

Thanks for the words of encouragment.

His W won't be D him, she pretty much told me last night that she'll take anything he throws at her.

I've always said this was the case.

She told me she doesn't believe a word that comes out of his mouth and when I said so stop being a doormat and change things she broke down and said she loved him with every bone in her body.....

[Brokenlady]

h4u,

one other thing I wanted to say regarding whether you should have talked to the W at all....I'm concerned about how this is impacting you. You have no obligation to speak to her at all, especially since you've n ow told her the truth about everything. If she calls you in the future, feel free to decline. You have to take care of yourself too, and putting yourself through turmoil just so that they can resolve their marital problems is unneccessary.

[hopeless4u]

h4u,

one other thing I wanted to say regarding whether you should have talked to the W at all....I'm concerned about how this is impacting you. You have no obligation to speak to her at all, especially since you've n ow told her the truth about everything. If she calls you in the future, feel free to decline. You have to take care of yourself too, and putting yourself through turmoil just so that they can resolve their marital problems is unneccessary.

 

This is what I have said to my friends, I had got my head round the fact he'd gone back to his W, I cried(a lot) but this has just got it all going round my head again.

[NoIDidn't]

Thanks for the words of encouragment.

His W won't be D him, she pretty much told me last night that she'll take anything he throws at her.

I've always said this was the case.

She told me she doesn't believe a word that comes out of his mouth and when I said so stop being a doormat and change things she broke down and said she loved him with every bone in her body.....

 

And I can relate to her saying that about how much she loved him.

 

This sounds like a woman that barely ever stands up for herself and just felt so totally powerless given that she loves and all he seems capable of doing is taking and never being responsible.

 

Be very glad that you are in this position to see the kind of person he is when the going gets tough. Seeing it even from a distance is distasteful. He's a coward at heart. He can't even face the result of his own deceit alone. He needed to tell you to find the strength to face it. And he only found that strength by blaming you, at that.

 

Imagine the position that she is in with him. Could you even want to live like that?

 

What I am going to say next is likely to make some wonder if I have lost my mind. Ignore them and forget about this. You don't need the outcome of what is going on in their marriage affecting you right now. Everything he tells you from here on out is to pull you in to emotionally supporting him. And your doing so will continue to hurt her, and I know you don't want to do this. I think the kindest thing you can do in your concern for her wellbeing is to move on completely and let him deal with the mess he made of his M and his W's emotional wellbeing.

 

This is a case, IMO, not owing them anything. The A has been over for some time. He continued to contact you and lie about it. You have been here trying move forward, and understandably (and honestly, sometimes annoyingly ) torn when he's the one constantly giving you hope and doing everything he could to pull you back in. I truly believe it was his actions that pushed her too far.

 

I must warn you, though. This will get around your office. He's already told you about the overdose. He's likely going to call in sick to be with her and tell everyone why. Office affairs are almost always known about, even when the participants think they've been very careful. The advice above may make you seem cold and bitter because you refuse to talk abuot this at work. But you have to consider that any and everything you say will be scrutinized for any hint of ill regard for his W. People will also be looking to blame you as much as him for this.

 

We never can know the outcome of even our best laid plans. I'm so sorry that you had to have this experience in the extreme in having chosen the affair but not being able to choose the outcome/fallout.

 

(I rambled. I'm sorry)

[Spark1111]

H4U, I think you acted honorably and courageously in telling the truth.

 

He is a spineless idiot for calling you to blame you. Don't own that.

 

I disagree with BL and here is why: I have a friend at work who had an affair with a separated MM. Whatever the conditions of his separation, it did NOT include dating as far as his wife was concerned!

 

When DDAY hit, the MM threw both the separated wife and my friend, the OW, under the bus and started dating a new woman.

 

They now talk frequently. As the wife heads towards divorce, my friend, the xOW, just informed the wife of a year's severance pay she new nothing about.

 

Ah....isn't karma a b***ch?:bunny:

[whichwayisup]

She's had a breakdown, all the lying and deceiving, gaslighting, bullcrap for months and months now. I feel for her.

 

Noone knows what truly is going on in their home so it's not cool to assume the worst of her.

 

I hope she gets some help, heals and divorces this guy. He is a scumbag and he IS responsible for alot of what's been going on. He has created this mess in their lives, and chosen to still lie and omit truths to her.

 

It's awful that this has happened, but it's a wake up call..For EVERYONE involved.

 

Now, you need to ignore them, block their calls, and move on, never look back. Don't get involved or be part of this anymore, even though she called you, keep in mind that you were the one who promised her the truth many months ago and chose to omit alot of the truth from her then - Anyway, this all has to stop so everyone can heal.

 

Question is, can you handle seeing him daily and working with him?

[D-Lish]

I think you did the right thing by telling her the truth- but now that you have done so, it's time to step out of it and move forward.

 

He's a douchbag for trying to shift the blame on you.

He's the one that has been responsible to her all along. You gave her what you owed her- the truth.

[LucreziaBorgia]

She needed the truth, she contacted you, she asked for it and you gave it to her. I doubt her overdose was a manipulation trick. It sounds like her sense of self is entirely wrapped up in her husband and when she heard the truth for the first time I suspect she felt like her entire self, her sense of who she is and her reality just shattered and she couldn't handle it. As for her husband - well, blaming you is hardly going to help matters. He sounds like a blame shifting jerk.

[fooled once]

My heart hurts for her to but she has made the decision to stay with him so why keep dragging me back in?

she told me she rang me because I was the only person that has told her the truth in all this but TBH its not for me to say anymore....

As much as I know she is hurting, so am I. I was getting to the next stage and now I feel like I've gone right back to DDay.

 

She stayed because she loves him, the same reason until a few weeks ago YOU stayed. She has years and a history with him. She also figured out he was gaslighting her and lying to her.

 

I don't like people 'assuming' she overdosed for attention or for him. Won't those same people judging her that way feel bad if she isn't okay or if she didn't make it?

 

Many people struggle with depression .... I lost a very dear friend who suffered crippling depression. The assumptions that she did it to get his attention are really unfair when NONE OF US know her.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you invited this drama into your life when you chose to start messing with a married man. You chose to participate knowing he was married. You are involved because you were one of the participants. I know you are hurting, but you haven't invested your life with someone who is nothing more than a lying cheat. For her to end her relationship with him it is going to take more than just going NC.