msmel Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Alright guys, I need some opinions from people who aren't completely biased on what has happened. I feel beside myself with everything and although I haven't posted to a forum before, it'd be nice to see what everyone else thinks. So I thank-you for reading what may be a very lengthy post. About a year ago, actually just a couple days short of a year, I met this wonderful guy at a friend's get together. We dated almost immediatly, going out for dinner once a week and then it became a hell of a lot more serious. He lived with his two best friends at the time aaand over the course of a few months, I started sleeping over and making it my home in a way haha.. Anyways, 2 months into our relationship, a friend from work moved in, a girl. I wasn't worried, I expressed my concern and I felt silly about it but he reassured me there was nothing. Throughout the course of our whole relationship, we had our ups and downs, our fights.. but I loved him very much, the first crazy love I've ever had (he was my second serious boyfriend.. probably even more serious than the first though) and I really saw a future with him. The only problem we usually had is that he would get insane jealous and he constantly made me feel like I was the horrible one in the relationship. He would tell me if anyone cheated, it would be me.. he made me feel like I made all the trouble in the relationship and I even started second-guessing my own nature, not trusting myself when there was no reason for me to do that. Beignning of February, after a series of fights, he told me he couldn't be with me because he didn't see a future. I was pretty much a mess at this point and fought him on it and questioned him as to why he felt that way and then he said "you really want to know why?" and I said no, but he told me anyways. He told me a week after he asked me to officially date, he made out wtih some girl at a club, spent 140 at a bar and wasn't even attracted to the girl, it just happened. In July, three months after we began to date, he went to Mexico and fooled around with an older woman at a club and let her touch him AND another night almost entered into a threesome but after removing some articles of clothing, he left. In August I went to Vegas with my cousins for 4 DAYS, not nights. I left on a Wednesday and came back Saturday night. I was on my best behavior, I don't really pay attention to guys at clubs and I've never been tempted to cheat. I hated going on vacation without my boyfriend because I loved being around him so much so I was SO excited to come home. Little did I know sometime between Wednesday and Saturday, he got with his new roommate (she moved in back in May.. I became good friends with her) and she gave him a blowjob. A week later we went up to his family cabin and he told me how much he loved me etc etc.. We had already said I love you by this point but it was stronger as of that week at the cabin. The next time, end of September, he kissed a girl I deliberatly told him not to talk to. She constantly called, texted him and I found it very weird and also rude that whenever she talked to him, she would invite only HIM out. I understand she doesn't know me, but I always make an effort to meet my friend's significant other and I keep in mind how they would feel if someone of the opposite sex, friend or not, was just inviting them out. The last one was in November. Technically we were broken up, but we were always in contact and he persued me a few days later to get back together. He had slept with his room mate while we were on hiatus. Obviously this is serious, I'm crushed about it. It constantly upsets me, I've dropped alot of weight and I just don't trust him. I still love him dearly, I think they were just really big mistakes because he's stupid and irresponsible. But I cannot blame the alcohol or let it go. I have put my morals and values into this and I would NEVER do anything to him to ever jeopardize the relationship, such as cheating. I don't know how he let this happen. And if he felt as bad as he says, why did he continue to do it? I still have fun when I'm around him, yes I've seen him since. But even if I wanted to continue the relationship, I'm riddled with thinknig about scenarios where I wasn't even there for them. I try and picture what happened and what was running through his mind. He says he doesn't understand it or have an explanation, he says he never loved thos girls, liked them in any way or found them attractive. I never treated him badly or anything so I do not understand why this happened. I know I shoudln't forgive him and in all honesty, I didn't think I was the type of person to give someone like that a second thought. I thought I would hate the person for sure and want nothing to do with them but I have found out that I am more leniant then I thought I was. I consider myself a pretty laid-back girlfriend, I never fought with him over going out, I encouraged him to keep his friends and although I would get jealous from the occassional girl showing him attention, I never thought possible that he could cheat. I was so loyal and I projected that onto him too. When he told me what he did, I never saw it coming. I'm so hurt by it and even if I wanted to try and make it work, regardless of even THINKING if he is capable to screw me over again, the matter of the fact is that he did already, 6 TIMES. I could forgive in time but I'm seriously driving myself crazy thinking of everything that has happened. I made him tell me all the details because I didn't want to be left in the dark. Crazy, but the only thing that bugs me more is being played for a fool. Not only did he lie to me, but my FRIEND who he had a thing with lied to me as well. They let me sit in the apartment and be happy with them and blissful when at least one of them should have spoken up and been honest. It hurts that he did what he did, but it hurts more I spent all that time around them being happy and completely ignorant. It's not like I hadn't heard about these nights or didn't know what he was doing, he just conveniently left out the part where he looked elsewhere for physical attention. It's just I have my good days and bad days now but it is literally like a shot to the heart EVERY time I have to think and remember that these horrible things are actually a reality, and they happened to me. I wish I could erase my memory, I for sure wish that he could have just left it as he didn't see a future with me, and then just walked out of my life. Unless you've been cheated on, you don't understand the full pain it causes. I would have rather broken bones than had my heart broken, it's not a pain you forget. Does anyone have any advice or been in a similar situation? It's hard to talk to my friends or people around me because I just don't think they understand. Before I was cheated on, I knew it was awful obviously and that it hurt people, but I didn't understand to the extent that it breaks a person down. I know my ex feels horrible, he cries alot, says he would jump through hoops, do anything to make it work between us. He says everything I feel and say is completely justified, he takes it when I sit there and get mad at him or give him the silent treatment. I would like to believe the person he was with me, all those horribles things are mistakes and not part of his actual personality. He says this is the first time he's cheated on anyone and he says it broke him too and he'll never do it again because he let his family down and his friends down, my family down, me and most of all himself. He feels horrible, I know that. He would have never got caught either, he told me because he felt I needed to know. He said he couldn't marry someone he could do those things to and never bring it up. There wasn't a threat about anyone else telling me, he just wanted to come clean and although the truth hurts.. I guess honesty is key.. It just shouldn't have taken him 10 months to figure it out. He should have been honest from the beginning.
USMCHokie Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 No. It's not just a complete loss of trust, but also a personal insult to me. I would never put up with it and would never stick around to make it work. He would have never got caught either, he told me because he felt I needed to know. He said he couldn't marry someone he could do those things to and never bring it up. There wasn't a threat about anyone else telling me, he just wanted to come clean and although the truth hurts.. I guess honesty is key.. It just shouldn't have taken him 10 months to figure it out. He should have been honest from the beginning. Uh...ok...I'll do the honors of translating this blah blah blah bullsh*t. He is simply saying: "I don't want to be with you anymore because I still crave the strange. I don't think you are good enough to settle down with and give all that up."
BserBuff Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 I didnt really read the entire post but from what iv read, it seems u are to young for this. Sounds like he is a big partier and that is never good for a relationship. If I were u I'd move on and forget about him even if he tries to get back up with u. It sounds like he doesnt want to grow up. If later is has no room mates and u sense a good change by all means go for it but by them Id imagine u will of already found someone worth loving.
norajane Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 I don't know how he let this happen. And if he felt as bad as he says, why did he continue to do it? He didn't "let" anything happen, because these weren't mistakes, they were choices he made. Deliberate, active choices. He says he doesn't understand it or have an explanation, he says he never loved thos girls, liked them in any way or found them attractive. If he doesn't understand why he did it, then he has a good chance of doing it again. And he'll keep saying, "I don't know why." But, he does understand. He just wanted to bang someone else, just wanted to kiss someone else, just wanted that blowjob. More than he wanted to be faithful to you. Look, he's done this 6 times, you say? Walk away. You're a fool if you stay and expect him not to cheat on you again. Do you really want to be ALWAYS be wondering what he's up to every time you're not there with him?
aerogurl87 Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 He cheated 6 times, this is not a one time thing but a habit. He doesn't respect you or love you, he's using you as a doormat to walk on. OP I think you know as well as I do, that you can do better.
2sunny Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 end it - asap. seriously, why do you think you don't deserve better than a guy who disrespects and disregards you at every turn? that would never look like love to me. the fact that he's schmooozing you at the same time as a variety of other gals shows you proof that he's a player and just wants you so he can get what he wants... making sure everything he wants is securely covered by including many gals. this guy is a loser! dump him!!!!!
bustertypsy Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 Isn't it funny how when a cheat is caught they always claim it was their first time? Yeah it was,the first time they were caught. Once a cheat always a cheat.No trust,continous suspicion,doubts.......................how long can a relationship like this last?
aimchase Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 ms, allow me to pull no punches...... The guy is a complete a-hole and needs to FO. No further comment required.
Ingenue Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 The multiple instances of cheating aren't just mistakes, they're a pattern, and one that disrespects you and the relationship. I think what's even more disrespectful is his complete inability to take responsibility for his actions. If he was a player and admitted he was a player, that's a little more palatable. But he claims that he doesn't know why he does it and that isn't believable. He does it because he wants to. He does it because he doesn't care about how his actions impact upon you. Not only has he broken your trust once, but he continues to do it over and over and over again, despite that you've vocalized to him how upset it makes you. He doesn't care. He hasn't taken any steps to change, to acknowledge your feelings, to even man up to his actions. You need a partner in life who respects you as a person and respects the relationship. He is not it.
engravefeelthevoid Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 No....a cheater has a certain mindset that he doesnt control 100%...he did it once he can do it again....and dont talk about forgiveness....dont waste ur time on him....just move on and believe that there are good people out there who dont cheat....also try to know if it was your fault if he cheated on you...were you not giving time or attention ? maybe appreciation ? but still dont go back to him...make it up in the next guy...a good guy would not cheat on you even if you were not giving him his needs
norajane Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 also try to know if it was your fault if he cheated on you...were you not giving time or attention ? maybe appreciation ? Hell no! That kind of thinking is messed up! His choices to cheat and his actions are not her fault. If she hadn't been giving him enough time, attention, or appreciation, that's reason to break up or to have a discussion about their relationship so they can work it out. It's not a reason or excuse to cheat. Cheaters don't cheat because of what other people do. Cheaters cheat because there is something inside them that makes them believe their own selfish desires (getting a blowjob from some hot chick) are more important than trust, loyalty, and honesty in their relationship. Cheaters are selfish, and it has nothing to do with anything she did. He'd be selfish with or without her. If your boyfriend is abusing you by punching you when you don't give him enough time, attention or appreciation, is it your fault? Did you cause him to punch you by doing that? No? It's the exact same thing with cheating. Cheating is emotional abuse.
BB07 Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 I don't think you realize it or you wouldn't have wrote this post, but your bf is a real asshat! You are wasting your time loving him and wondering what you have done wrong. His actions should clearly show you that he doesn't love you. Love doesn't hurt those that truly love. Don't you think you deserve better than being someone's doormat? It's up to you.
nobmagnet Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 Op You mentioned he put you down constantly and ate away at your self worth. He pulled you down so far and messed with your head soooooo much you are now confused. Think of it this way..........Your best mate confessed all you have just said on here. What would your advise be?? I very much doubt you would say it was her fault would you??!! He has shot your self esteam down and you really trully need to get it back up to where it should be. I was in an emotional abusive relationship too and I have really worked on me. I realise I allowed him to treat me badly because I had no self worth left and belived him when he told me I was useless. When you take the time and invest in you I know you will wake up and think WTF was I thinking??!! He isnt worth you. You do need to go NC. Work on you. Darling I might just have to set up " sh*t of the month" again he might just win!!! :love: Nobby xxx
nowomanocry Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 Op You mentioned he put you down constantly and ate away at your self worth. He pulled you down so far and messed with your head soooooo much you are now confused. Think of it this way..........Your best mate confessed all you have just said on here. What would your advise be?? I very much doubt you would say it was her fault would you??!! He has shot your self esteam down and you really trully need to get it back up to where it should be. I was in an emotional abusive relationship too and I have really worked on me. I realise I allowed him to treat me badly because I had no self worth left and belived him when he told me I was useless. When you take the time and invest in you I know you will wake up and think WTF was I thinking??!! He isnt worth you. You do need to go NC. Work on you. Darling I might just have to set up " sh*t of the month" again he might just win!!! :love: Nobby xxx Nice one hun! Excellent advice!
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