Update on my sexless marriage

[Toodamnpragmatic]

well that's probably the reason why he doesn't want to see a counselor. He feels inadequate right? Isn't this a sensitive issue for guys? This is not easy things for men. I'm sure if he could, he would have done it already. he knows I'm not ugly and I'm not overweight and most of the times, I am sweet to him. So what excuses can he come up with in the counseling?

 

Have a compassion. He might wrong me, but it's never out of malice. He has issues and he might know why but he might feel that even if there is a solution, it will not save the marriage, perhaps, it might actually give me a final closure on my marriage and not looking back. The truth is that I'm at fault. why? because I know he was like this before, I told my best friends the bedroom issues before my wedding, I got cold feet, and I still went through with it, and I thought it might change down the road (he's probably thinking the same way). Now 7 years later, I ask him to change. So in his perspective, he wants me to accept the way he is. I don't mean to post here to demonize him, the truth is, in 7 years, we had happy days, so so days, and sad days. In our earlier days, We went to Brazil together, we went to Tibet, we went to Japan, and we spent wonderful days in Hongkong. Sure, I got no intimacy but I also got my fill in other things (a nice travel companion, someone close to share the wonders in the worlds, etc).

 

So there were times when I felt like I was the luckiest woman in the world. As I said, I might be luckier than some women in other regards. My casual friends, I don't think they will look at me right now and say "Oh poor thing", they probably think that I have it all.

 

I have no compassion for him..... Why????? Because he won't do anything about it (or admit he is gay)..... There is a thing called Viagra (or Cialis or Levitra) if the problem is downstairs..... There is also his tongue and mouth and fingers..... He just refuses to do what you yearn for, which shows no love for you and you are only 33!!!! You attached a picture (and we see your avatar).... You are attractive from the neck down at least.... He has a problem and won't address it and you are the one feeling bad????

 

I hope your friends are giving you this tough love speech too.....

 

You can be friends going forward, but don't for a second take any blame, you have been his friend, confidant, supporter, travellor and a wonderful "beard"....

 

I promise to stop, but I am seething with anger reading your emails and you defending him.....

Edited March 13, 2010 by Toodamnpragmatic

[cuppa]

I have no compassion for him..... Why????? Because he won't do anything about it (or admit he is gay)..... There is a thing called Viagra (or Cialis or Levitra) if the problem is downstairs..... There is also his tongue and mouth and fingers..... He just refuses to do what you yearn for, which shows no love for you and you are only 33!!!! You attached a picture (and we see your avatar).... You are attractive from the neck down at least.... He has a problem and won't address it and you are the one feeling bad????

 

I hope your friends are giving you this tough love speech too.....

 

You can be friends going forward, but don't for a second take any blame, you have been his friend, confidant, supporter, travellor and a wonderful "beard"....

 

I promise to stop, but I am seething with anger reading your emails and you defending him.....

 

I am not defending him, I am mourning for my marriage. Have you ever felt that your gut was ripped apart in two and felt a huge lump in your throat? That's how I feel for the past days. I love him, sure my marriage will be most likely beyond repair by now but I can't help for feeling so sad so regardless, I am going to be depressed for the next few daysn or few weeks or few months.

 

I think it's normal, I am allowed to mourn the demise of my marriage, to lose a man who is my best friend for the past 11 years, who travelled with me to all these wonderful places, who bought me ice cream when I got rejected from my first job interview, who took care of me when I was sick, who stood next to me, looking so handsome 7 years ago, smiled at each other, promising that for better for worse till death do us part.

 

It's not easy...it's not and this is only the beginning. I'm old enough to know that the worst hasn't come yet.

 

Thanks for being caring, I appreciate it, even when sometime we had differences in opinions.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I am not defending him, I am mourning for my marriage. Have you ever felt that your gut was ripped apart in two and felt a huge lump in your throat? That's how I feel for the past days. I love him, sure my marriage will be most likely beyond repair by now but I can't help for feeling so sad so regardless, I am going to be depressed for the next few daysn or few weeks or few months.

 

I think it's normal, I am allowed to mourn the demise of my marriage, to lose a man who is my best friend for the past 11 years, who travelled with me to all these wonderful places, who bought me ice cream when I got rejected from my first job interview, who took care of me when I was sick, who stood next to me, looking so handsome 7 years ago, smiled at each other, promising that for better for worse till death do us part.

 

It's not easy...it's not and this is only the beginning. I'm old enough to know that the worst hasn't come yet.

 

Thanks for being caring, I appreciate it, even when sometime we had differences in opinions.

 

and am sorry for my tough love speeches.... But he should be the one hurt and doing everything to try and save the marriage. I guess what upsets me is seeing you so hurt, him ambivilant, doing nothing to save the marriage.

 

Frankly you should be pissed, mad and upset at what HE HAS DONE TO THIS MARRIAGE....

[WalkInThePark]

and am sorry for my tough love speeches.... But he should be the one hurt and doing everything to try and save the marriage. I guess what upsets me is seeing you so hurt, him ambivilant, doing nothing to save the marriage.

 

Frankly you should be pissed, mad and upset at what HE HAS DONE TO THIS MARRIAGE....

 

I agree with you. I think that Cuppa cannot say that her husband is her best friend because a best friend does not do what her husband does with her. A best friend is honest about what he is feeling inside and sees a councellor if he can't figure that out.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I agree with you. I think that Cuppa cannot say that her husband is her best friend because a best friend does not do what her husband does with her. A best friend is honest about what he is feeling inside and sees a councellor if he can't figure that out.

 

Cuppa seems like such a sweet girl (I'm 46, I can call a 33 yo a girl:p).... I hate reading her posts and her sadness and the fact she isn't madder at him, as this is ALL HIS FAULT...

[TinyLee222]

Cuppa seems like such a sweet girl (I'm 46, I can call a 33 yo a girl:p).... I hate reading her posts and her sadness and the fact she isn't madder at him, as this is ALL HIS FAULT...

 

I agree also. You and I are the same age and she is a sweet girl. With age comes experience and wisdom. I hate that she is making excuses for him and I hope she sees her worth. Cuppa, if you are reading this you have no idea how much happier you will be and how you will feel as though a burden has been lifted from you once you are on your own. You

are grieving what you hoped your marrige would be with him. In a way

thank goodness there are no children involved. You will be able to live

happily and without doubting your attractiveness and worth.

 

Lee

 

PS. Please see a lawyer on your own. Protect yourself!

[cuppa]

 

PS. Please see a lawyer on your own. Protect yourself!

 

Well last night, I was in the car with him for 30 mins. I was railing at him, told him how could after 11 years together, he would rather to separate than going to see a counselor or have him medically checked (and I will do the same). Then I told him that at some point, we didn't even do it for a year.

 

So, he offered to show me all his financial accounts. I tracked all of our stock accounts in Quicken so I know more or less where we stand in term of assets. He has slightly more money than I do because he's older and he has more when we were married and I only make more than him for the last 4 years.

 

I don't know...I prefer to move on fast than fight pennies here and there. We agree that we will separate for 3 months and then we will see where we can go from there. I am doing house hunting again this week (really step up the effort). The townshouse that I really like (and is slightly out of my budget) is already pending so I guess I don't need to agonize over it anymore. the housing market truly heats up again so it might be a while for me to find what I like.

[WalkInThePark]

Cuppa seems like such a sweet girl (I'm 46, I can call a 33 yo a girl:p).... I hate reading her posts and her sadness and the fact she isn't madder at him, as this is ALL HIS FAULT...

 

Well, I feel like giving her H a good kick in the a$$...

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Well last night, I was in the car with him for 30 mins. I was railing at him, told him how could after 11 years together, he would rather to separate than going to see a counselor or have him medically checked (and I will do the same). Then I told him that at some point, we didn't even do it for a year.

 

So, he offered to show me all his financial accounts. I tracked all of our stock accounts in Quicken so I know more or less where we stand in term of assets. He has slightly more money than I do because he's older and he has more when we were married and I only make more than him for the last 4 years.

 

I don't know...I prefer to move on fast than fight pennies here and there. We agree that we will separate for 3 months and then we will see where we can go from there. I am doing house hunting again this week (really step up the effort). The townshouse that I really like (and is slightly out of my budget) is already pending so I guess I don't need to agonize over it anymore. the housing market truly heats up again so it might be a while for me to find what I like.

 

and yes I am emotionally invested in your story.... You argued with him and asked him the questions we've been asking... and then you change topics in the post, talk about finances and don't tell us his response. He is in my opinion an as*ho&e.... Throwing it all away.... I had a really catty remark that I removed, I am so mad.....

[cuppa]

and yes I am emotionally invested in your story.... You argued with him and asked him the questions we've been asking... and then you change topics in the post, talk about finances and don't tell us his response. He is in my opinion an as*ho&e.... Throwing it all away.... I had a really catty remark that I removed, I am so mad.....

 

Well I asked him again if he's gay and he said No. I asked him if how could he go on without some relief when we were on hiatus for 1 year. He said it's due to stress and he said after December (we did it 2 times which was a record), he thought he was already making progress and me continuously harping on this issue, it makes him even more closed up (kind of similar to Giotto's situation).

 

So after some point, I got tired of excuses. Last week, he banged his knee on one of his basketball game. the week before, he got stressed at work. The week before that, he didn't remember. So I am back to square 1 and I decided that I did all I could to find the reason and I would never find out why. Just like Angel said, at the end of the day, either I make peace with sexless/childless marriage or I move on. I am in the process of doing that. I might come across weak sometimes (and I might be weak) but I think I'm quite resilient so hopefully in due time, I will have that moment when the huge burden lifted off my shoulder. It hasn't come yet, so far, it's nothing but sadness, fear, anger.

 

I beat them all out with my workouts though, thankfully, I already embraced this lifestyle (working out daily,try to eat healhty) since last year. Every time I feel melancholy, I went to the gym and then I become OK again. I also got a job interview for a much better position on Monday, which is a good timing. So I am hoping that karma will treat me well and things start to fall in places for me.

[cuppa]

Cuppa seems like such a sweet girl (I'm 46, I can call a 33 yo a girl:p).... I hate reading her posts and her sadness and the fact she isn't madder at him, as this is ALL HIS FAULT...

 

Sweetness doesn't seem to get me where I want to be in life. I have sweet face, sweet personality (i know that and I don't mean to say it in the conceited ways) but at work, I was passed for promotion because I was "too nice", at personal life, it doesn't seem to work either.

 

I can see why people become bitter with age. Maybe like Sarah Rose said, we should be a tough B!tch or a drama queen, guys will go crazy for us and beg us for sex.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Well I asked him again if he's gay and he said No. I asked him if how could he go on without some relief when we were on hiatus for 1 year. He said it's due to stress and he said after December (we did it 2 times which was a record), he thought he was already making progress and me continuously harping on this issue, it makes him even more closed up (kind of similar to Giotto's situation).

 

So after some point, I got tired of excuses. Last week, he banged his knee on one of his basketball game. the week before, he got stressed at work. The week before that, he didn't remember. So I am back to square 1 and I decided that I did all I could to find the reason and I would never find out why. Just like Angel said, at the end of the day, either I make peace with sexless/childless marriage or I move on. I am in the process of doing that. I might come across weak sometimes (and I might be weak) but I think I'm quite resilient so hopefully in due time, I will have that moment when the huge burden lifted off my shoulder. It hasn't come yet, so far, it's nothing but sadness, fear, anger.

 

I beat them all out with my workouts though, thankfully, I already embraced this lifestyle (working out daily,try to eat healhty) since last year. Every time I feel melancholy, I went to the gym and then I become OK again. I also got a job interview for a much better position on Monday, which is a good timing. So I am hoping that karma will treat me well and things start to fall in places for me.

 

Tell him to prove it then!!!! Geez 11 years, and you looking better then ever (working out and all)..... The gym is a great place to work off aggression and let your mind wander....

 

Best of luck Monday.... Finders crossed....

 

And finally there is nothing wrong with being a SWEET Girl. Just don't allow yourself to be taken for granted (I think 1 year certainly qualifies as being so).....

[cuppa]

Tell him to prove it then!!!! Geez 11 years, and you looking better then ever (working out and all)..... The gym is a great place to work off aggression and let your mind wander....

 

Best of luck Monday.... Finders crossed....

 

And finally there is nothing wrong with being a SWEET Girl. Just don't allow yourself to be taken for granted (I think 1 year certainly qualifies as being so).....

 

Thanks!! I appreciate it. I just got back from house hunting today and found some great townhouse in a great neighborhood that fit my budget. Hubby even agreed to sell some of his stocks so I can increase my down payment without me dipping into my 401K/retirement account or sell off all my assets. That way, I don't have to stretch myself every month and can live quite comfortably.

 

So I feel quite excited - I feel very empowered for being able to buy a house I love on my own. We are very civil for the past few days and although I know the right thing is to contact a lawyer but at this point, our assets are almost equal so there will be less dispute I think and I am in CA which is a no fault state so I think I'll be OK and he's been very supportive in my house hunting too.