Author cuppa Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 This is great advice. Yeah, all my friends told me to move out and shake the boat for real this time. I have been feeling blue for the past few days. I even called in sick yesterday as I looked like a mess. Thankfully, I found some releases in my workouts (don't know what to do without it). I found some harsh reality in term of comfort with my finance. The housing market has bounced back in my area and I live in one of the priciest real estate in the nation so yeah, I need to watch what I spend and start pinching pennies. I am meeting all my friends this week. A lot of them offer to help and I'm very grateful. I have to say that every time I see my husband, my chest hurts so much. I really love him, I do and in his own way, I think he really loves me too. We still hug & kiss every day and it's hard to keep my resolution. Yesterday, we also agree that even though we live apart, we remain faithful to each other until things are finalized.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Yeah, all my friends told me to move out and shake the boat for real this time. I have been feeling blue for the past few days. I even called in sick yesterday as I looked like a mess. Thankfully, I found some releases in my workouts (don't know what to do without it). I found some harsh reality in term of comfort with my finance. The housing market has bounced back in my area and I live in one of the priciest real estate in the nation so yeah, I need to watch what I spend and start pinching pennies. I am meeting all my friends this week. A lot of them offer to help and I'm very grateful. I have to say that every time I see my husband, my chest hurts so much. I really love him, I do and in his own way, I think he really loves me too. We still hug & kiss every day and it's hard to keep my resolution. Yesterday, we also agree that even though we live apart, we remain faithful to each other until things are finalized. It's his actions that have caused everything that is happening. What type of comment is that???? He really does amaze me at times. Cuppa, I am happy to hear your friends also feel the same and will be there to support you. As always, I am so sorry to hear all you are going through and really did hope that a cold splash of water would have woken him up to the crap he has put you through and to salvage the marriage......
giotto Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 It's his actions that have caused everything that is happening. What type of comment is that???? He really does amaze me at times. Cuppa, I am happy to hear your friends also feel the same and will be there to support you. As always, I am so sorry to hear all you are going through and really did hope that a cold splash of water would have woken him up to the crap he has put you through and to salvage the marriage...... I can relate to what cuppa is going through, though... not easy...
Toodamnpragmatic Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 I can relate to what cuppa is going through, though... not easy... and it is easy to relate.... But to then state once you move on (separate) that you will remain faithful???? Giotto, Cuppa's H hasn't discussed a solution or admitted a problem. At least your wife acknowledges an issue (though hesitant to do anything)..... Cuppa's H is 100% at fault and doesn't really seem to care, which bothers me to no end. Not a single "I love you", "sorry for the situation I've created", I want to make this better"...... He just sticks his head in the sand.
Author cuppa Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 and it is easy to relate.... But to then state once you move on (separate) that you will remain faithful???? Giotto, Cuppa's H hasn't discussed a solution or admitted a problem. At least your wife acknowledges an issue (though hesitant to do anything)..... Cuppa's H is 100% at fault and doesn't really seem to care, which bothers me to no end. Not a single "I love you", "sorry for the situation I've created", I want to make this better"...... He just sticks his head in the sand. I think at this point, it doesn't matter whose fault it is. Trial separation is the last resort before we are heading to the next step. I still think at this point, we still have 50 - 50 chance to salvage the marriage. If one of us is sleeping with another person at this point, then we pretty much put the nail into the coffin. Even if we reconcile, this will haunt us for the rest of our marriage term and it will not be the same anymore. I have a coworker who is going through this (and same stat 11 years together and 7 years marriage). He told me that 4 years ago, they went through separation where they each sleep with other people before they decided to give it another shot. But he said, they never gained it back. The minute they made decision to sleep with other people, it's a kiss of death to their marriage (and I believe this). I agree with this approach, I am the first one who brought it up to him (which I am fairly sure that he agrees). My best friends told me the same thing, don't run to the first available guy just because I'm vulnerable, give him a fair chance to sort things out by being by himself. I will need all the helps I can to remain faithful during this trying period but I will try my damndest for this.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 (edited) I think at this point, it doesn't matter whose fault it is. Trial separation is the last resort before we are heading to the next step. I still think at this point, we still have 50 - 50 chance to salvage the marriage. If one of us is sleeping with another person at this point, then we pretty much put the nail into the coffin. Even if we reconcile, this will haunt us for the rest of our marriage term and it will not be the same anymore. I have a coworker who is going through this (and same stat 11 years together and 7 years marriage). He told me that 4 years ago, they went through separation where they each sleep with other people before they decided to give it another shot. But he said, they never gained it back. The minute they made decision to sleep with other people, it's a kiss of death to their marriage (and I believe this). I agree with this approach, I am the first one who brought it up to him (which I am fairly sure that he agrees). My best friends told me the same thing, don't run to the first available guy just because I'm vulnerable, give him a fair chance to sort things out by being by himself. I will need all the helps I can to remain faithful during this trying period but I will try my damndest for this. and you are right 99% of the time.... Here however again you give your H too much credit..... He should be be doing everything to show you he is worthy of your love.... The only one fighting for this marriage (and when I talk marriage, it is all the good that comes from one) is you. He only hates what a divorce will like like in his corporate world.... What has he shown you that makes you think he wants to build a life with you (and let's just ignore the children question for now)? I'd be sufficiently pissed and let the whole world know.... "My husband doesn't want to have sex with me".... How do you think separating will change the issue that is causing all this angst!!!! he is not sleeping with you when you are together. Everything else in your marriage is pretty good, but he makes you feel insignificant, unattractive, needy and worthless because of this and doesn't care to do anything.... I.e. admit the problem and seek therapy!!!! God I'm nasty and pissed..... But it must be said..... Edited March 11, 2010 by Toodamnpragmatic
SarahRose Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 As you know the sexless marriage topic weighs on my mind quite a bit and cuppa I wanted to ask you if you think you have been too available to your husband in the past or may be now? I am wondering this morning if I have made things too easy for my husband because of my loving nature that it may have just been a turn off for him over time? I recall a time where I just shut down in a way and was aloof and uninterested and he was all over that. The guy was literally pestering for sex all the time. Of course that didn't last as his pursuit made me feel good and made me want to do more like initiate etc. and then he went back to his same pattern. I am thinking if I could be that bitch princess that so many men seem to love, would that turn things around for us sexually. He would be in charge, the pursuer trying to win me over. The thing is, bitch princess is so against my nature, I am just not sure I could do it even if it meant it would turn this marriage around.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted March 11, 2010 Posted March 11, 2010 As you know the sexless marriage topic weighs on my mind quite a bit and cuppa I wanted to ask you if you think you have been too available to your husband in the past or may be now? I am wondering this morning if I have made things too easy for my husband because of my loving nature that it may have just been a turn off for him over time? I recall a time where I just shut down in a way and was aloof and uninterested and he was all over that. The guy was literally pestering for sex all the time. Of course that didn't last as his pursuit made me feel good and made me want to do more like initiate etc. and then he went back to his same pattern. I am thinking if I could be that bitch princess that so many men seem to love, would that turn things around for us sexually. He would be in charge, the pursuer trying to win me over. The thing is, bitch princess is so against my nature, I am just not sure I could do it even if it meant it would turn this marriage around. would thought we died and went to heaven, if sex was actually there for the asking!!!!! Really can't understand how women in a marriage could think that way....
Author cuppa Posted March 11, 2010 Author Posted March 11, 2010 (edited) As you know the sexless marriage topic weighs on my mind quite a bit and cuppa I wanted to ask you if you think you have been too available to your husband in the past or may be now? I am wondering this morning if I have made things too easy for my husband because of my loving nature that it may have just been a turn off for him over time? I recall a time where I just shut down in a way and was aloof and uninterested and he was all over that. The guy was literally pestering for sex all the time. Of course that didn't last as his pursuit made me feel good and made me want to do more like initiate etc. and then he went back to his same pattern. I am thinking if I could be that bitch princess that so many men seem to love, would that turn things around for us sexually. He would be in charge, the pursuer trying to win me over. The thing is, bitch princess is so against my nature, I am just not sure I could do it even if it meant it would turn this marriage around. When I was too busy with works last year, I barely talked to him due to stress. He didnt' come pestering for sex in that matter. He's Ok iwth the fact that we didn't do it for over 4 months. Or you mean like being too comfortable in front of each other to the point that even farting is acceptable? Perhaps. I mean I shave my legs in front of him and I have no problem walking around naked so I guess, I don't do a good job in keeping the mystery. I read that we should always keep some part of ourselves hidden and I shouldn't go naked in front of him unless I mean Sex (ie: shut the bathroom door when I take shower). Well there is a resentment part too. I still haven't forgave him for what he did last year and he still needs to sort out his issues. I think being apart will help. Also, I don't like the house that we live in right now. It's not my choice, I am away from my friends, and I constantly have to drive 45 mins to see them (and an hour commute to work too). When we looked for a house, I had my choice and he had his. He won and I didn't realize that I was actually disgruntled over that fact. I sometimes hold resentment that I always have to settle for less while I work so hard and have been a breadwinner in the family (not by much though but I do make more money than him). But yeah, for the past few days, my husband tries hard in other areas. He brought my fave meals, cooked breakfast every morning, bought me cute shoes that I have in my avatar (cute red shoes), fixed the lamp in the bathroom, bought shoe racks and assembled them for me, etc. He said he tries to win a brownie point with me. He even wanted me to buy a car, the one that I always wanted (because the car that I am driving right now is his choice, not mine, again because I compromised). He tries so hard in everything else but that one problem. Edited March 11, 2010 by cuppa
TinyLee222 Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 When I was too busy with works last year, I barely talked to him due to stress. He didnt' come pestering for sex in that matter. He's Ok iwth the fact that we didn't do it for over 4 months. Or you mean like being too comfortable in front of each other to the point that even farting is acceptable? Perhaps. I mean I shave my legs in front of him and I have no problem walking around naked so I guess, I don't do a good job in keeping the mystery. I read that we should always keep some part of ourselves hidden and I shouldn't go naked in front of him unless I mean Sex (ie: shut the bathroom door when I take shower). Well there is a resentment part too. I still haven't forgave him for what he did last year and he still needs to sort out his issues. I think being apart will help. Also, I don't like the house that we live in right now. It's not my choice, I am away from my friends, and I constantly have to drive 45 mins to see them (and an hour commute to work too). When we looked for a house, I had my choice and he had his. He won and I didn't realize that I was actually disgruntled over that fact. I sometimes hold resentment that I always have to settle for less while I work so hard and have been a breadwinner in the family (not by much though but I do make more money than him). But yeah, for the past few days, my husband tries hard in other areas. He brought my fave meals, cooked breakfast every morning, bought me cute shoes that I have in my avatar (cute red shoes), fixed the lamp in the bathroom, bought shoe racks and assembled them for me, etc. He said he tries to win a brownie point with me. He even wanted me to buy a car, the one that I always wanted (because the car that I am driving right now is his choice, not mine, again because I compromised). He tries so hard in everything else but that one problem. Hi Cuppa, Most men would go crazy for an uninhibited in shape, smart attractive woman like you. It really doesn't matter at this point but do you think he may be gay? I mean have you ever sat him down and asked him? I am sure he would deny it but sometimes you can gauge by tone and gestures whether someone is telling the truth. Something is just so off with him. Unless he is having an affair, four months with no sex with a willing participant in the same house means he is getting it somewhere else unless he is masturbating a lot. Anyway, I just thought I would throw that out there. At least if you found out what is really behind his lack of desire you would stop blaming yourself. I think you are doing the right thing by separating. Unfortunately I think your marriage is beyond repair. I do hope you take the advice of some of us who said to see an attorney. You mentioned you make more money than him. This may be brought up during the divorce and may lesson your settlement, just saying. Everything may be amicable right now but TRUST ME when I say that when money and property are involved things go south real quick. Been there,done that. Lee
Author cuppa Posted March 12, 2010 Author Posted March 12, 2010 Hi Cuppa, Most men would go crazy for an uninhibited in shape, smart attractive woman like you. It really doesn't matter at this point but do you think he may be gay? I mean have you ever sat him down and asked him? I am sure he would deny it but sometimes you can gauge by tone and gestures whether someone is telling the truth. Something is just so off with him. Unless he is having an affair, four months with no sex with a willing participant in the same house means he is getting it somewhere else unless he is masturbating a lot. Anyway, I just thought I would throw that out there. At least if you found out what is really behind his lack of desire you would stop blaming yourself. I think you are doing the right thing by separating. Unfortunately I think your marriage is beyond repair. I do hope you take the advice of some of us who said to see an attorney. You mentioned you make more money than him. This may be brought up during the divorce and may lesson your settlement, just saying. Everything may be amicable right now but TRUST ME when I say that when money and property are involved things go south real quick. Been there,done that. Lee Thanks Lee. I asked him a few times before (whether he was gay). He is quite comfortable with his sexuality in that manner and sometimes he even questions himself whether he's gay. He said he's not attracted to other men, not in that way. But he's more metrosexual though he doesn't dress silly or feminine (wiht silly scarf or stuff like that), he's more GQ/Abercombie & Fitch/Kenneth Cole type of guy. he dresses well, he takes care of his skin very well, and he cares about the way he looks. I am thinking he's probably asexual, if that makes sense. But I'm also guessing at the moment. Or either that, he had a childhood abuse that he really surpressed because he told me that he blacked out and had no recollection of what happened during part of his childhood. His parents did a number of jobs on him I think (unintentionally of course). He said he's so used with avoidance in dealing with issues all his life and I guess he feels like he can't change at this stage. He told me last night that he gave it all already (even though he rules out Marriage Counseling).
Toodamnpragmatic Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 Now you have disclosed more about the choices he has foisted on you (house, car, area).... Then you tell about the little things he does, which is wonderful, but he just won't stand up and acknowledge or do anything about the one problem.... This denial drives me nuts.... If just for you, you should be able to put in 30 minutes-1 hour per week to make you happy.... The more you say the more I do agree he is probably gay......
WalkInThePark Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 II still think at this point, we still have 50 - 50 chance to salvage the marriage. No, you haven't. Sorry to be so blunt but why on earth is there still a chance to salvage the marriage? What has he already done about the one issue that you have a problem with? NOTHING! No appointment with a therapist, no initiative to be physical with you, no openness about what is going on inside of him,... Instead he keeps doing all kind of nice stuff for you which makes things even worse for you because it makes you feel guilty that you want to leave such a guy. I think one of the problems in your marriage is that you are way too nice with him. Next thing he does something nice for you, refuse it. Tell him you no longer accept his emotional blackmail and passive-agressive behaviour. Tell him to either go f!ck himself or f!ck you. You say that you are great friends but I find the way he ignores your frustration about the lack of sex not friendly at all. I find it hostile. I am very sorry that you go through this but you need to set yourself free. Because he won't do it, he'll just continue things the way they are. Go and see a lawyer to end this marriage.
giotto Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 When I was too busy with works last year, I barely talked to him due to stress. He didnt' come pestering for sex in that matter. He's Ok iwth the fact that we didn't do it for over 4 months. Or you mean like being too comfortable in front of each other to the point that even farting is acceptable? Perhaps. I mean I shave my legs in front of him and I have no problem walking around naked so I guess, I don't do a good job in keeping the mystery. I read that we should always keep some part of ourselves hidden and I shouldn't go naked in front of him unless I mean Sex (ie: shut the bathroom door when I take shower). Well there is a resentment part too. I still haven't forgave him for what he did last year and he still needs to sort out his issues. I think being apart will help. Also, I don't like the house that we live in right now. It's not my choice, I am away from my friends, and I constantly have to drive 45 mins to see them (and an hour commute to work too). When we looked for a house, I had my choice and he had his. He won and I didn't realize that I was actually disgruntled over that fact. I sometimes hold resentment that I always have to settle for less while I work so hard and have been a breadwinner in the family (not by much though but I do make more money than him). But yeah, for the past few days, my husband tries hard in other areas. He brought my fave meals, cooked breakfast every morning, bought me cute shoes that I have in my avatar (cute red shoes), fixed the lamp in the bathroom, bought shoe racks and assembled them for me, etc. He said he tries to win a brownie point with me. He even wanted me to buy a car, the one that I always wanted (because the car that I am driving right now is his choice, not mine, again because I compromised). He tries so hard in everything else but that one problem. how sweet... hew cooks you breakfast every morning? I get up every morning at the crack of dawn to get 4 kids ready for school and cook 4 breakfasts... he's a hero, isn't it? Fixed the bathroom lamp? Put together a lovely shoe rack? Mmmm, yes, how nice... and then he tells you what car to buy and which house to live in... And he doesn't give you sex... are you still with him? Why?
TinyLee222 Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 [QUOTE=cuppa;2698031]Thanks Lee. I asked him a few times before (whether he was gay). He is quite comfortable with his sexuality in that manner and sometimes he even questions himself whether he's gay. He said he's not attracted to other men, not in that way. But he's more metrosexual though he doesn't dress silly or feminine (wiht silly scarf or stuff like that), he's more GQ/Abercombie & Fitch/Kenneth Cole type of guy. he dresses well, he takes care of his skin very well, and he cares about the way he looks. I am thinking he's probably asexual, if that makes sense. But I'm also guessing at the moment. Or either that, he had a childhood abuse that he really surpressed because he told me that he blacked out and had no recollection of what happened during part of his childhood. His parents did a number of jobs on him I think (unintentionally of course). He said he's so used with avoidance in dealing with issues all his life and I guess he feels like he can't change at this stage. He told me last night that he gave it all already (even though he rules out Marriage Counseling). Sorry Cuppa, but at his age, 30's right? if he is questioning himself about being gay, he is! He is avoiding marital counseling because he knows it's all a scam and that he can never be sexually attracted to you. It's not you! It is all starting to fit together. He is in terrible denial about his sexuality. The crying, the letters. Oh boy, the shopping. They are some awesome shoes. He is buying you those F*&k me shoes so that you can f*%ck someone else and leave him alone. Wow 11 years! You deserve the right to know and I would be all over him until I got an answer. If he is gay and I would put money on it at this time what he has done to you all these years by stringing you along and making him your "beard" is just unbelievable. Sorry if I offend. I am just calling it like I see it. Lee
Toodamnpragmatic Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 people are finally seeing through him.... I've been posting this since Cuppa's first posts in January.... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t217781/ So frustrated seeing how much she's put into this marriage and the pain and hurt she has felt over this....
giotto Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 Sorry Cuppa, but at his age, 30's right? if he is questioning himself about being gay, he is! He is avoiding marital counseling because he knows it's all a scam and that he can never be sexually attracted to you. It's not you! It is all starting to fit together. He is in terrible denial about his sexuality. The crying, the letters. Oh boy, the shopping. They are some awesome shoes. He is buying you those F*&k me shoes so that you can f*%ck someone else and leave him alone. Wow 11 years! You deserve the right to know and I would be all over him until I got an answer. If he is gay and I would put money on it at this time what he has done to you all these years by stringing you along and making him your "beard" is just unbelievable. Sorry if I offend. I am just calling it like I see it. Lee He is not necessarily gay... his childhood traumas might be at the root of all this (and I should know... ). He's swept everything under the carpet and doesn't want to face his past in therapy. Same situation as my wife's... at least my wife is making an effort with sex (or I hope so... early days...). You don't have many choices... if he really loves you, he will go to therapy, but I very much doubt it (that he'll go to therapy). Again, he has to fix himself. And he should have the decency to tell you what really is going on in his head...
Toodamnpragmatic Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 He is not necessarily gay... his childhood traumas might be at the root of all this (and I should know... ). He's swept everything under the carpet and doesn't want to face his past in therapy. Same situation as my wife's... at least my wife is making an effort with sex (or I hope so... early days...). You don't have many choices... if he really loves you, he will go to therapy, but I very much doubt it (that he'll go to therapy). Again, he has to fix himself. And he should have the decency to tell you what really is going on in his head... Face it, Cuppa is early 30's, no children. Giotto, your wife at least recognizes the problem and basically says we need to agree to disagree, but heck we have 4 children I can hold over you. Cuppa has a husband who doesn't even for a second seem to address the issue or say anything. I am always the last to say someone is gay, but he is either that or seriously messed up. 4 months and he just does not care, even as they discuss separation. The letters he has written and Cuppa has shared just make me livid at their lack of emotion and the cold distant style.
Author cuppa Posted March 12, 2010 Author Posted March 12, 2010 [QUOTE=cuppa;2698031]Thanks Lee. I asked him a few times before (whether he was gay). He is quite comfortable with his sexuality in that manner and sometimes he even questions himself whether he's gay. He said he's not attracted to other men, not in that way. But he's more metrosexual though he doesn't dress silly or feminine (wiht silly scarf or stuff like that), he's more GQ/Abercombie & Fitch/Kenneth Cole type of guy. he dresses well, he takes care of his skin very well, and he cares about the way he looks. I am thinking he's probably asexual, if that makes sense. But I'm also guessing at the moment. Or either that, he had a childhood abuse that he really surpressed because he told me that he blacked out and had no recollection of what happened during part of his childhood. His parents did a number of jobs on him I think (unintentionally of course). He said he's so used with avoidance in dealing with issues all his life and I guess he feels like he can't change at this stage. He told me last night that he gave it all already (even though he rules out Marriage Counseling). Sorry Cuppa, but at his age, 30's right? if he is questioning himself about being gay, he is! He is avoiding marital counseling because he knows it's all a scam and that he can never be sexually attracted to you. It's not you! It is all starting to fit together. He is in terrible denial about his sexuality. The crying, the letters. Oh boy, the shopping. They are some awesome shoes. He is buying you those F*&k me shoes so that you can f*%ck someone else and leave him alone. Wow 11 years! You deserve the right to know and I would be all over him until I got an answer. If he is gay and I would put money on it at this time what he has done to you all these years by stringing you along and making him your "beard" is just unbelievable. Sorry if I offend. I am just calling it like I see it. Lee Lee, last night I met my best friends again (free counseling sessions over wines) and we all agreed that he's not gay. I mean I used to work in San Francisco and have a few gay friends/coworkers, I have, overtime, developed a pretty acute gaydar. So he's definitely not one of them. They also told me that when I hugged him in public before, he flinched and they told me this not to make me upset, but to point out that he has issues with intimacy and how different we are as a person (I am very affectionate, he's reserved). I think he just has issues with opening up and he's really clueless on how marriage is supposed to be. He even said that I tried to pry him open when I ask "How are you feeling today" instead of "what did you do today at work". He probably doesn't realize what he has done to me and quite frankly, I was really surprised that he didn't realize how I suffered from the lack of sex in the marriage, not until the big meltdown last year. I think in his view, whatever suffering I had right now, it's nothing compared to his mom (35 years separate from husband, no affection, living alone, and once fell down from a stair, had to drag herself for hours to reach the phone to call ambulance). Sure, by this comparison, I'm truly a spoiled princess. PS: aww....those are F%ck me shoes? I love them, I wore them to the office yesterday. Are you sure that I'm sending "f#ck me" signal by wearing them to office? They are deep red suede, very cute - not hooker red, if that makes sense . Quite frankly, I think he has excellent taste in fashion .
Author cuppa Posted March 12, 2010 Author Posted March 12, 2010 He is not necessarily gay... his childhood traumas might be at the root of all this (and I should know... ). He's swept everything under the carpet and doesn't want to face his past in therapy. Same situation as my wife's... at least my wife is making an effort with sex (or I hope so... early days...). You don't have many choices... if he really loves you, he will go to therapy, but I very much doubt it (that he'll go to therapy). Again, he has to fix himself. And he should have the decency to tell you what really is going on in his head... Giotto, this is what I think too. Might not be necessarily childhood trauma (although when he told me that he doesn't remember his childhood, I was a bit alarmed), but I think his dysfunctional family and the way he was taught to suppress his feelings & emotions since early on, I think he uses that as a defense mechanism. So he has a lot of psychological issues and I used to be able to penetrate through it but kind of lost my ability for the past few years. I used to think that he's the wisest person I know, he often told me that Happiness is the difference between what you expect and what you get. So all his life, he just tone down his expectation to the point that he becomes really flat. I tried to lower my expectations but I realize that this is not me. I want to pursue happiness, I don't want to lower my expectation, that's why I work so hard, I want to achieve it (that means, I'm getting the house I want this time, by my own).
Toodamnpragmatic Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 you keep analyzing everything with him..... Searching for only the good. I just am aghast he is treating you this way, when all you want, and ask of him is to be loved and have f+$%ing sex..... Cuppa I am amazed to think that you wouldn't be here (at least not until the overwhelming need to start a family) if he had sex with you!!!!! Think about it.... You have rationalized every other thing about him, but finally realized you can't live without this one thing. And you're still convinced (as are your friends) that he is not gay.... Heck all he needs to do to save this marriage is have sex with you, what say 2X's a month and he can't do that!!!!!!
Author cuppa Posted March 12, 2010 Author Posted March 12, 2010 you keep analyzing everything with him..... Searching for only the good. I just am aghast he is treating you this way, when all you want, and ask of him is to be loved and have f+$%ing sex..... Cuppa I am amazed to think that you wouldn't be here (at least not until the overwhelming need to start a family) if he had sex with you!!!!! Think about it.... You have rationalized every other thing about him, but finally realized you can't live without this one thing. And you're still convinced (as are your friends) that he is not gay.... Heck all he needs to do to save this marriage is have sex with you, what say 2X's a month and he can't do that!!!!!! well that's probably the reason why he doesn't want to see a counselor. He feels inadequate right? Isn't this a sensitive issue for guys? This is not easy things for men. I'm sure if he could, he would have done it already. he knows I'm not ugly and I'm not overweight and most of the times, I am sweet to him. So what excuses can he come up with in the counseling? Have a compassion. He might wrong me, but it's never out of malice. He has issues and he might know why but he might feel that even if there is a solution, it will not save the marriage, perhaps, it might actually give me a final closure on my marriage and not looking back. The truth is that I'm at fault. why? because I know he was like this before, I told my best friends the bedroom issues before my wedding, I got cold feet, and I still went through with it, and I thought it might change down the road (he's probably thinking the same way). Now 7 years later, I ask him to change. So in his perspective, he wants me to accept the way he is. I don't mean to post here to demonize him, the truth is, in 7 years, we had happy days, so so days, and sad days. In our earlier days, We went to Brazil together, we went to Tibet, we went to Japan, and we spent wonderful days in Hongkong. Sure, I got no intimacy but I also got my fill in other things (a nice travel companion, someone close to share the wonders in the worlds, etc). So there were times when I felt like I was the luckiest woman in the world. As I said, I might be luckier than some women in other regards. My casual friends, I don't think they will look at me right now and say "Oh poor thing", they probably think that I have it all.
confused39 Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 Cuppa, I've said this before - we are living the same life. My marriage is pleasant, affectionate, respectful, and I know my husband would take a bullet for me. He cooks for me, he loves my grown children (it's not the first marriage for either of us) and my grandchldren, he does anything I ask of him. EXCEPT help me fulfill the need I have to be desired, wanted, and have a healthy sexual relationship. We haven't had sex in a month. Doesn't bother him in the least. I'm tired of talking about it. But how does one make the decision to leave a marriage that is great in so many ways? I'm sorry you're living through what I'm living through.
giotto Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 Cuppa, I've said this before - we are living the same life. My marriage is pleasant, affectionate, respectful, and I know my husband would take a bullet for me. He cooks for me, he loves my grown children (it's not the first marriage for either of us) and my grandchldren, he does anything I ask of him. EXCEPT help me fulfill the need I have to be desired, wanted, and have a healthy sexual relationship. We haven't had sex in a month. Doesn't bother him in the least. I'm tired of talking about it. But how does one make the decision to leave a marriage that is great in so many ways? I'm sorry you're living through what I'm living through. we are all confused, confused...
Author cuppa Posted March 12, 2010 Author Posted March 12, 2010 Cuppa, I've said this before - we are living the same life. My marriage is pleasant, affectionate, respectful, and I know my husband would take a bullet for me. He cooks for me, he loves my grown children (it's not the first marriage for either of us) and my grandchldren, he does anything I ask of him. EXCEPT help me fulfill the need I have to be desired, wanted, and have a healthy sexual relationship. We haven't had sex in a month. Doesn't bother him in the least. I'm tired of talking about it. But how does one make the decision to leave a marriage that is great in so many ways? I'm sorry you're living through what I'm living through. What is your coping mechanism confused39? The only difference this time is that I mean business, I want children. I keep having a dejavu, the same conversation over and over again. I had it when I was 27, 30, now 33. If I have to post the same thing when I turn 37 or 40, then I have no one to blame but myself this time. I have to do it this time so I can say to myself that I try it all (and I fail or succeed). One more complication is that my family, they adore him (how could they not? My husband is very respectful to them and is always there when there are issues like when my dad was wrongfully diagnosed with cancer and we all rushed to help him - my dad and my mom adore him so much and probably think that I become to americanized to even think like this or talk about separation - divorce is very taboo in my family unless the man is a drunk, a gambler, or a wife beater). I haven't even talked to my mom for over a month because I can't handle her asking how is it going with my marriage.
Recommended Posts