Ecosse Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 I am not about to be engage in some ad hominem flame war and hijack this thread (if you want to discuss me feel free to post on any of my threads... this thread is about Cuppa) I have read this entire story. I have followed this on the other posts and I have come to the same conclusion... Cuppas marriage is in the toilet... What I am saying is that I disagree that she should end it without seeing the MC first. There can be a whole lot of other explanations to this quagmire and I dont think it is appropriate to be quitting because her marriage is tough right now (and has been for a while). IMO they need to see the MC, make a set plan and folow it... after that if he still doesnt follow through then sure file the papers... To me Marriage is more than a piece of paper and I respect what it means... IMO People in western society call it quits marriage far too soon... WHat ever happened to fighting for your marriage? giving it one last try? I dont see that all available options have been exhausted and that they should be. I fail to see how that makes me seem immature? Idealistic, sure... I fail to see that I am such a fool for advising someone to see their marriage through. If your marriages mean nothing to you and are willing to quit because things are tough, then do it... But what is the harm in advising someone else to try to see theirs to the end? This is not an abusive or dangerous relationship (as far as I can see)... depressing sure... But to call it quits b4 you know the whole story is fooling IMO As I said b4 This man is depressed, dealing with some heavy issues and needs help... Some people have personality disorders that might prevent them from makeing rational ecisions, he might not feel comfortable and needs an extra push... Im simply saying that instead of demonizing this guy, you need to think about it from his side too. He is sick (mentally) he needs a Doctor and most likely medication... Severe depression can present like this... I think that filing papers without getting him to a MD for evaluation could be disastrous... Lastly, why do I pitty your SOs? because (based on your posts) you are selfish and your relationships are all about making you feel good and it reads that once things are not good for you, then its time to quit.
crazycatlady Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 Ecossee - you realize you can't force a depressed person into treatment, right? Sure if they are going to harm themselves you could probably get a 72 hour commitment, but not every depressed person is suicidal, so can't use that. Depression can be a lot like alcoholism, unless and until they are willing to seek treatment on their own, it won't work. Until they are willing to work on the history, the present, the habits etc it can't be fixed. Cuppa has tried! And his failing to follow through as promised shows he's not ready, and might not ever be ready to face his past, face his depression and deal with it. Sometimes leaving is the only way these people can realize how their behavior is affecting everyone around them. Yes its an illness, trust me, I know its an illness, its one I've dealt with my whole life or at least as long as I can remember and will battle for the rest of my life. But its MY problem, if I get depressed and don't get to work on it, its not my husband's responsibility to force me to get treatment for it. He could point out that its getting out of control, be there for me when i go and help me change the patterns back to healthy ones again but the actually action to go must come from me. And after a point he would be within his rights to go 'ok can't deal with this anymore, i'm outta here'. Who knows that might be the trigger that makes cuppa's husband go "Oh ****, i need to do something about this". Or sadly, it might now. But from everything she has said and done, he's not interesting or ready maybe to take that step. And in the end, it must come from him. Or it won't work. Cuppa, i'm sorry CCL
Samantha0905 Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 I am so sorry Cuppa you have done you best. Please read the letter again especially the last two paragraphs. He doesn't want to be in the marriage anymore but isn't man enough or brave enough to say so. There are so many other men out that will love you and cherish you! Get yourself some IC, get strong and get out. I wish you only the best. Lee I agree. Get out. You deserve to be loved. I disagree with you two... I read that he wants to make it better... He doesnt know what to do but feels bad about where things are ATM. I dont see any outs written in there... The entire letter was a passive/aggressive pile of I want out bullcrap. He needs to man up and tell her he wants out. And sure he knows what to do. He's not an idiot and he knows he is not giving her a passionate/sexual relationship, which is what a marriage should include. It's emotional abuse. So last night, what triggered the whole event was that I dressed up for a dinner. I know I looked very nice and all my best friends commented on how cute I looked that night. So my husband came and joined us for the dessert. We had a great time. When we were home, I came to him, kissed him, hugged him, I even had nice lingerie on but as usual, it stopped at that. I guess things came at me in waves...disappointment, rejection, and all these things came one after another. That's when I finally broke down and told him those words (that I know will hurt him too). He's not very expressive person, he's very kind and gentle but not good at expressing himself (hence letters are our best communication). I did hug him and kiss him in the morning (that's when I found out that his eyes were wet, so he's been crying all night). I sent him this letter a few hours ago. Crying or writing letters (him) expressing not much of any intended action in the future isn't really helping your relationship, is it? You should put your foot down and tell him it's counseling or he needs to leave. It's normal to want intimacy and passionate sex in your marriage. Don't let him off the hook and don't continue living in a situation that is eating away at your soul.
Ecosse Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 I agree that it has to be the person who is depressed to make the decision (same with substance abuse)... It seems to me from the subtext of his letter that he wants to make their marriage work and Cuppa wants their marriage back on track... So why not offer positive options that can work towards their common goal? Here is an option Lay down an ultimatum... Tell him that either we go to counciling and make an appt within the next 24 hrs or Im out of here Im not encouraging Cuppa to ride down the garden path of destruction all the way to her grave... I am trying to offer options to save Cuppas marriage and avoid further distress... I think this is marriage 80% over... but not 100%
crazycatlady Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 I actually happen to agree to that, but that wasn't what you were saying before. I think sometimes people in those situations need a swift hard kick in the ass to jump start them, and being told that the leaving is coming or even here, can be that kick. Especially when its down to this point. CCL
Ecosse Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 Actually this is what I have been saying the whole time... That she shouldnt leave him yet... there are still options to be explored...
Pink Cupcakes Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 (edited) do you think he has erectile dysfunction and is afraid to tell you this? I think you should leave him. Did you happen to watch the show Parenthood the other night? A 34 year old woman wants true commitment and a baby but her boyfriend says he isn't "ready." So...she goes and buys some sperm from a sperm bank. I think you should consider this because you can be a wonderful, beautiful life together....with your child, and you can find a better man. Your "husband" is hellbent on blaming your career (I get the feeling you are much more successful professionally than he is and he greatly resents this, even though he is financially dependent on you because he can't make the same professional success happen for himself because, by his own admission, he is passive), and giving excuses. OK time to rip the bandage, go to a fertility specialist, buy that sperm, get pregnant this way, and say "bye bye" to Mr. Passive. Pronto. Edited March 7, 2010 by Pink Cupcakes
Author cuppa Posted March 7, 2010 Author Posted March 7, 2010 All...thank you so much for your suggestions & support here. I am blown away that you are taking your time to respond and help a stranger in this forum. So yesterday, I spent most of my time crying basically, for what, I am not quite sure. Perhaps, either decision will not be easy. If I stay, I can't seem to make peace of this. If I leave, I am scared to be alone and leaving the only man I ever love behind. So last night, we promised each other that regardless what happened, we will handle it civilly. No nasty divorce, no fight over money, we'll be fair for each other because we have invested 11 years with our shares of happy memories & sad memories too. And we could be best friends, there are things that we love to do together. We started having the same talk that we did last Thanksgiving (about me buying a townhouse and sharing the custody of our 2 beloved bichon frises). Part of me is quite elated at the thought, to be responsible for my own action, to put myself through the test and do my own internal strengthening, to expand my social circles once again, and to be able to travel again. I know that I did it before (bouncing back from difficult position) and I became a better person because of it. Also from the career point of view, I turned down so many good opportunities in the past few years because of the travel requirements (we were traumatized from the long distance relationship and at the time, we agreed that I should no longer travel for work and focus on getting pregnant/building family). So I took a local, more low profile position (with less upside potential), I even choose my current company because of their benefit esp their maternity leave. So obviously, this is another point of disappointment...4 years passed and still, nothing changes. With me being alone again, I can again focus on my career and no longer to worry about the travel requirements (which opens up some opportunity for me). We also both agree that I'm very vulnerable right now. After all these experiences, I have deep insecurity when it comes to my attractiveness in the bedroom area. There is a possibility that instead of me getting my life back on the track I want, I can be going to the opposite direction (i,e: simply going for sex instead of finding the right one and starts building a family or even being content with being single if the right one never materializes). I know this is a strong possibility and because of my meltdown last November, I know that at my weakest moment, I could do something really dumb that I could regret for the rest of my life if I don't have a support system around me. So yeah, this afternoon, I will start to do house hunting and start sort out some financial matter. We both don't know where to go from here and he rules out marriage counseling this time. So I think trial separation might be the only option at the moment.
Samantha0905 Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 We also both agree that I'm very vulnerable right now. After all these experiences, I have deep insecurity when it comes to my attractiveness in the bedroom area. There is a possibility that instead of me getting my life back on the track I want, I can be going to the opposite direction (i,e: simply going for sex instead of finding the right one and starts building a family or even being content with being single if the right one never materializes). I know this is a strong possibility and because of my meltdown last November, I know that at my weakest moment, I could do something really dumb that I could regret for the rest of my life if I don't have a support system around me. So yeah, this afternoon, I will start to do house hunting and start sort out some financial matter. We both don't know where to go from here and he rules out marriage counseling this time. So I think trial separation might be the only option at the moment. It says a lot he refuses to go to marriage counseling. Even if it were to do with something like ED, if he's strong enough to want to save the marriage -- he would make the effort. Regardless of why he doesn't be it not enough love, fear or whatever -- you deserve someone who will make the effort. Be careful about the arrangements. My husband had said to me one time he hoped we would just work things out amicably if we get a divorce and not contact an attorney. I think you should let your head do the deciding and not your heart -- realizing an attorney may be needed. That's just my two cents. And also it may help to consult an attorney as to who should move out. I don't now the laws in your state, but it would be helpful to see what is best to do from a legal standpoint. I would want to know. In any event, I hope you do what is best for you. Even if you are vulnerable and happened to have casual sex with someone -- Hell, I think it might do you some good to get some great sex!! I do agree you need to be careful and it's probably best you realize you are vulnerable. Just don't let your husband use this as a way to manipulate your actions. When I moved into my apartment, I felt such a sense of freedom and I was so much happier. It felt like a weight had been removed from my shoulders. I think it will do your self esteem a lot of good.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 Take him for everything you are entitled too!!!! And this comes from a man.... He has dragged you down, has you self-conscious and is a class A jerk, regardless of what you say about him..... That comment just another in his long line of manipulating crap he has fed you... Wow!!!!
knitwit Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 Hi Cuppa, I usually lurk on these forums, but wanted to come out of hiding to send you some electronic hugs. I am so sorry you are in this very difficult place. I left a long-term relationship with a man I deeply loved because he was not able to get it together to have a family with me. There were actually several reasons I left, but the family issue was a primary one. My ex had different issues that your husband, but it really doesn't matter what the issues are. He knew it was very important to me to have a family- he knew it was a deal-breaker for me- and I gave him a long time to get it together (3 years.) It became clear to me that he just was not (he said could not, but it comes down to the same thing, we are not talking about a physical issue here) going to get there in the near future if ever. I knew that if I had to start over I was going to need a lot of time- a few years at least-before I could reasonably expect to find a new mate and start a family. I could no longer look to him if I wanted to have children. I had to look within me to see what was most important to me. In one way, you are "luckier" that I was. Your husband, in his letter, pretty clearly told you that he is not going to step up for you. He has it phrased to sound like he cannot, but it comes down to the same thing. He loves you, but he feels he is facing something like Solomon's challenge- he cannot/will not fulfill your needs, and he knows the best thing to do is let you go. He says this after some challenging times and a lot of effort on your part, so this is not his first thought on it. He knows that he may lose you over it. He still let you know the truth. I give him credit for that. You no longer have to waste years, working on it and hoping & praying things will improve. He has told you he will not do the heavy lifting. It is does not matter what you do or don't do- it doesn't even matter if you stay or go. He is not going to step up in this way for you. After that letter, you can no longer accurately state that it is your husband who is robbing you of a chance a motherhood. You are truly in an excruciating place. There are other options for having kids rather than au natural- you can adopt, foster, as noted earlier you can do the sperm bank, etc. These options are open to you, whether you decide to stay or leave. The main thing to know is that it is up to you to decide. I do want to say that I think you are wrong in your letter about one thing. There are actually a LOT of guys who will do really sweet things like cook you your favorite soup when you're sick, and scrape the snow off the car and it warm it up for you. In my experience, most guys do these types of things, when they are in a good, loving relationship. It's actually considered one of the five love languages, Acts of Service. Leaving was the right thing for me. It was hard, and I felt very selfish. But I felt that I would not be true to myself if I did not at least give myself the opportunity to be a mom. I found my now husband, we dated for a year and half before he proposed. We are married now and I am 7 weeks pregnant. Ironically, my husband actually has a physical issue that prevents us from naturally having kids! He had a vasectomy when he was in his early 20s, when he thought he would never want kids (we are in our late 30s). I was in despair when he told me this- I thought "Nooo!!! He can't have kids...he is SUCH a great guy... back to square one...." It turns out that he was a step-dad in his first marriage, and loved being a dad. He did actually want a family. He was willing to do whatever it took to try. When we got engaged, he went and had a reverse vasectomy, which was both painful and expensive. Unfortunately, it didn't work. By this time we were married. We just now went through a cycle of in vitro fertilization (painful and expensive)- and thankfully, it worked! If something should go wrong and this pregnancy doesn't make it to a live birth, we will turn around and try IVF again. If it doesn't work, we will try adoption. If we are unable to adopt, we will know we have tried everything, and will settle in for a child-less life. But at least we will know we gave it everything we had. We will have no regrets and no "What Ifs...." It is truly wonderful having a willing partner in all this. I wanted to post to give you a success story for someone who left. I will admit that I have been very lucky (great husband and so very lucky that the IVF worked, at least so far). On the other hand- none of this would have happened if I hadn't left my long-term relationship and given myself the opportunity to be a mom. Best of luck to you, whatever you decide!
TinyLee222 Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 >>Be careful about the arrangements. My husband had said to me one time he hoped we would just work things out amicably if we get a divorce and not contact an attorney. I think you should let your head do the deciding and not your heart -- realizing an attorney may be needed. That's just my two cents. And also it may help to consult an attorney as to who should move out. I don't now the laws in your state, but it would be helpful to see what is best to do from a legal standpoint. I would want to know Cuppa, This is wise advice! I know you want things to go smooth but please, please listen to this advice. Consult with an attorney on your own. He doesn't need to know about it. Protect youself. Things can get ugly quick. Just talking from experience. Know your rights.... Lee
Author cuppa Posted March 8, 2010 Author Posted March 8, 2010 Hi Cuppa, I usually lurk on these forums, but wanted to come out of hiding to send you some electronic hugs. I am so sorry you are in this very difficult place. I left a long-term relationship with a man I deeply loved because he was not able to get it together to have a family with me. There were actually several reasons I left, but the family issue was a primary one. My ex had different issues that your husband, but it really doesn't matter what the issues are. He knew it was very important to me to have a family- he knew it was a deal-breaker for me- and I gave him a long time to get it together (3 years.) It became clear to me that he just was not (he said could not, but it comes down to the same thing, we are not talking about a physical issue here) going to get there in the near future if ever. I knew that if I had to start over I was going to need a lot of time- a few years at least-before I could reasonably expect to find a new mate and start a family. I could no longer look to him if I wanted to have children. I had to look within me to see what was most important to me. In one way, you are "luckier" that I was. Your husband, in his letter, pretty clearly told you that he is not going to step up for you. He has it phrased to sound like he cannot, but it comes down to the same thing. He loves you, but he feels he is facing something like Solomon's challenge- he cannot/will not fulfill your needs, and he knows the best thing to do is let you go. He says this after some challenging times and a lot of effort on your part, so this is not his first thought on it. He knows that he may lose you over it. He still let you know the truth. I give him credit for that. You no longer have to waste years, working on it and hoping & praying things will improve. He has told you he will not do the heavy lifting. It is does not matter what you do or don't do- it doesn't even matter if you stay or go. He is not going to step up in this way for you. After that letter, you can no longer accurately state that it is your husband who is robbing you of a chance a motherhood. You are truly in an excruciating place. There are other options for having kids rather than au natural- you can adopt, foster, as noted earlier you can do the sperm bank, etc. These options are open to you, whether you decide to stay or leave. The main thing to know is that it is up to you to decide. I do want to say that I think you are wrong in your letter about one thing. There are actually a LOT of guys who will do really sweet things like cook you your favorite soup when you're sick, and scrape the snow off the car and it warm it up for you. In my experience, most guys do these types of things, when they are in a good, loving relationship. It's actually considered one of the five love languages, Acts of Service. Leaving was the right thing for me. It was hard, and I felt very selfish. But I felt that I would not be true to myself if I did not at least give myself the opportunity to be a mom. I found my now husband, we dated for a year and half before he proposed. We are married now and I am 7 weeks pregnant. Ironically, my husband actually has a physical issue that prevents us from naturally having kids! He had a vasectomy when he was in his early 20s, when he thought he would never want kids (we are in our late 30s). I was in despair when he told me this- I thought "Nooo!!! He can't have kids...he is SUCH a great guy... back to square one...." It turns out that he was a step-dad in his first marriage, and loved being a dad. He did actually want a family. He was willing to do whatever it took to try. When we got engaged, he went and had a reverse vasectomy, which was both painful and expensive. Unfortunately, it didn't work. By this time we were married. We just now went through a cycle of in vitro fertilization (painful and expensive)- and thankfully, it worked! If something should go wrong and this pregnancy doesn't make it to a live birth, we will turn around and try IVF again. If it doesn't work, we will try adoption. If we are unable to adopt, we will know we have tried everything, and will settle in for a child-less life. But at least we will know we gave it everything we had. We will have no regrets and no "What Ifs...." It is truly wonderful having a willing partner in all this. I wanted to post to give you a success story for someone who left. I will admit that I have been very lucky (great husband and so very lucky that the IVF worked, at least so far). On the other hand- none of this would have happened if I hadn't left my long-term relationship and given myself the opportunity to be a mom. Best of luck to you, whatever you decide! Thank you so much. I really appreciate your compassion & thank you for sharing your uplifting story with me. It's great that you find your happy ending and your husband is willing to go through even one of the most intrusive surgery to make you happy. Just the fact that he tries so hard to please you, I think it's very telling that he truly loves you and for me, it's more than enough, regardless of the outcome. I sometimes wonder if my husband is willing to go through such length, just the fact that he refused counseling or getting himself checked medically, which I think the least he could do in this matter. I wish you the best of luck in your pregnancy and cheers for your happy ending! Regarding motherhood, I am very open, rather than to find someone random or go to a sperm bank, I prefer to adopt or foster a child. I have a lot of love to give and it doesn't have to be biological . So even when my biological time runs out, I think I will still be OK (I hope!).
Toodamnpragmatic Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 Thank you so much. I really appreciate your compassion & thank you for sharing your uplifting story with me. It's great that you find your happy ending and your husband is willing to go through even one of the most intrusive surgery to make you happy. Just the fact that he tries so hard to please you, I think it's very telling that he truly loves you and for me, it's more than enough, regardless of the outcome. I sometimes wonder if my husband is willing to go through such length, just the fact that he refused counseling or getting himself checked medically, which I think the least he could do in this matter. I wish you the best of luck in your pregnancy and cheers for your happy ending! Regarding motherhood, I am very open, rather than to find someone random or go to a sperm bank, I prefer to adopt or foster a child. I have a lot of love to give and it doesn't have to be biological . So even when my biological time runs out, I think I will still be OK (I hope!). Why you say the things you do. You are still yound (early 30's), attractive, loving, open and fun...... You have mentioned many men who have "propositioned" you and yet you post that maybe you will have to adopt or have foster children and that you are worried about jumping into bed with random guys. Nothing could be further from the truth. Quit beating yourself up and thinking that way......
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 Why you say the things you do. You are still yound (early 30's), attractive, loving, open and fun...... You have mentioned many men who have "propositioned" you and yet you post that maybe you will have to adopt or have foster children and that you are worried about jumping into bed with random guys. Nothing could be further from the truth. Quit beating yourself up and thinking that way...... Self worth and self confidence has little to do with actual physical appearance... Though I have never personally been through it I would venture to say that one's confidence is at it's absolute lowest when going through a divorce. I've seen more than a few times women (and men) giving them selves away freely when going through these stages. It takes a strong individual with very high moral standards to maintain celebacy during the course of ending a LTR...
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 I hope you will take the time to continue individual counseling. Regardless of maintaining civility or agreeing about assests, etc, you need to retain an attorney. Oddly enough I think you should be thankful that you did not have any children in this marriage. What the future holds for you is anyone's guess, but I am confident it will be better and brighter. Keep your head up! Good Luck.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 Self worth and self confidence has little to do with actual physical appearance... Though I have never personally been through it I would venture to say that one's confidence is at it's absolute lowest when going through a divorce. I've seen more than a few times women (and men) giving them selves away freely when going through these stages. It takes a strong individual with very high moral standards to maintain celebacy during the course of ending a LTR... Read all her posts and yes worried about her self worth and how she views herself and always wanting to give her H the benefit of the doubt. Of course she should not jump into bed with the first guy, but she needs to know she will not be alone.
Lizzie60 Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 Cuppa... I have not followed your story..so I could be off-base here.. but here's a suggestion: How about you stay with him... have a child.. raise the child... he might fall head over heels when the child comes... or you may live with him as 'roomates'... do you think that would be possible?
Toodamnpragmatic Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 Cuppa... I have not followed your story..so I could be off-base here.. but here's a suggestion: How about you stay with him... have a child.. raise the child... he might fall head over heels when the child comes... or you may live with him as 'roomates'... do you think that would be possible? or cuppa's story..... You are so off base on this one....
Author cuppa Posted March 8, 2010 Author Posted March 8, 2010 Self worth and self confidence has little to do with actual physical appearance... Though I have never personally been through it I would venture to say that one's confidence is at it's absolute lowest when going through a divorce. I've seen more than a few times women (and men) giving them selves away freely when going through these stages. It takes a strong individual with very high moral standards to maintain celebacy during the course of ending a LTR... Well this is very true. Last November, at my lowest point, I was so tempted to have an affair, I had to tell these to all my close friends so they could take turn to take me out or talked me out of it. I wasn't being myself, I couldn't even control my body. If I didn't have a support system then, I probably wouldn't like what I see in the mirror today. I have no family nearby, all my family are all overseas, thousand miles away. For 11 years, my husband is my only family here. I am taking all these self defense classes so I can be mentally tough as well. I need to conquer the feeling of loneliness or at least know how to cope with it, which I am sure it will hit me regardless how many hours of exercises I do in a day or how well I do socially or professionally. Yes, it's my weakness, I am very social but I am also afraid/scared being alone.
Author cuppa Posted March 8, 2010 Author Posted March 8, 2010 Cuppa... I have not followed your story..so I could be off-base here.. but here's a suggestion: How about you stay with him... have a child.. raise the child... he might fall head over heels when the child comes... or you may live with him as 'roomates'... do you think that would be possible? I thought about it. who knows? Maybe I become one of those wives (sex drive dries up after kids and my life revolve around my kids) and at that point, it's a wash. I come down to his level and sex is no longer important. He's a good provider and I know he will be a good father (since he's excellent to our bichon frises). I probably could live with that. The only problem is...how could I get pregnant? We've been "trying" for the past 4 years and right now, it seems like I'm playing lottery, maybe one of these days I will hit a jackpot but I don't know when.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 I thought about it. who knows? Maybe I become one of those wives (sex drive dries up after kids and my life revolve around my kids) and at that point, it's a wash. I come down to his level and sex is no longer important. He's a good provider and I know he will be a good father (since he's excellent to our bichon frises). I probably could live with that. The only problem is...how could I get pregnant? We've been "trying" for the past 4 years and right now, it seems like I'm playing lottery, maybe one of these days I will hit a jackpot but I don't know when. You are really under his spell aren't you? Equating a child to how he interacts with bichon frises (apologies to animal lovers)???? So two days after his letter (where he said nothing and did not use the word love), where do you stand???? Or more importantly him? I hate to think you too are beyond hope..... But some of your posts make me wonder.....
Author cuppa Posted March 8, 2010 Author Posted March 8, 2010 You are really under his spell aren't you? Equating a child to how he interacts with bichon frises (apologies to animal lovers)???? So two days after his letter (where he said nothing and did not use the word love), where do you stand???? Or more importantly him? I hate to think you too are beyond hope..... But some of your posts make me wonder..... I said I thought about it and I responded to Lizzie, it doesn't mean that I am doing it. This has been suggested before and it occured to me before too. So, yesterday, I did some house hunting (he helped too). Some of the townhouse I like is a bit beyond my budget so it will take time for me to find a house and sort out my finance. We already talked about how we are going to divide our money and he's open about all of his accounts (and same with mine). Buying a townhouse will take time and I am not going to file divorce right away. Our 7th year anniversary is in 2 weeks and he already booked a special trip for this. I don't want to cancel, the least we could do is to end it civilly, we had a great run, 11 years together, not all of them are horrible. I met him when I was at the lowest point in my life too (just out of college, moved to a different city, no jobs, alone, no family) so I have come a long way and he certainly helped in pushing me to be who I am now. We went through ups & downs and now it comes down to this. As some face here, this is not an easy decision. I wished I could just pack and go in a matter of days but it's not going to be like that. If that makes me hopeless or weak then so be it. He might not be a good husband to me but he's not a horrible human being, quite opposite, he's kind hearted. He's depressed, yes. He's afraid to help himself but that doesn't make him a horrible person.
Neutrino Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 To me you sound quite resolute, however - the transition from lovers to friends in your relationship occurred years ago, so for as long as this guy did not betray your trust - why not be friends ? No longer having a relationship not not automatically mean you have to become enemies. Only keep following your decision - find your own house and divide your assets - if he's helping you he obviously agrees.
HeyThere Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Either make peace with this loveless and childless marriage, or leave it. Everything else is just a complete and utter waste of your time. This is great advice.
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