questioning1000 Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 My BF and I have been dating for a little over a year and a half, and our relationship has been pretty great for that time. Recently, I told him that I wanted to live with him at some point, and he said that he wasn't ready. He said that the lack of readiness doesn't have anything to do with committing to me in that way, it has to do with his not wanting to give up single living. We both live alone in (separate) apartments that are very close to each other. He was in a 6-year relationship, part of which was spent in about a year of marriage, and lived with that girl for most of it, as far as I can tell. I have never asked, "At what point did you move in with her?" or anything like that. I probably won't, as their relationship is not necessarily an indicator of our relationship. I'm mentioning this because, even though it's been about 2 and a half years since that relationship (and a year and a half of that time has been spent with me), I think that there maybe IS some kind of commitment issue. I am a little curious about that. He's not the kind of guy that says stuff that he doesn't mean. He's generally pretty straightforward and says honestly what's on his mind (I think). Anyone's thoughts?
Ronni_W Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Maybe you could start by asking him, when things are relaxed and happy between the two of you, what exactly does he mean by "single living" -- what are the things that he's thinking-assuming he will have to "give up" if he starts living with his girlfriend? Are there differences in terms of how you like your house to be versus how he's comfortable with his? Do you have a reputation for being a neat/clean-freak or having very specific ways of packing the dishwasher, making the bed, doing the laundry, when and how to do dishes, etc., etc? Or, does he like to have the guys over for a weekly poker night, and believes you will put restrictions on those types of social activities of his? Because really, he gave up "single living" quite some time ago (like about a year-and-a-half)...so, he *might* be meaning that he's not yet ready to have to change and "conform" as far as how he likes to live, day to day. Knowing that he isn't ready is also just plain self-awareness on his part. It doesn't have to be a commitment issue. In my experience, much preferable to wait than move in together before you're both 100% ready...and then have it blow-up within the first year just because the obvious signs and messages were ignored.
Author questioning1000 Posted March 7, 2010 Author Posted March 7, 2010 Thanks for responding. What he means by "single living" is the fact that he's living by himself and doesn't want to give up his space entirely. He's enjoying living alone for the first time in a long time--his prior relationship was six years and they lived together for most of it--even though it's been about a year and a half or so between relationships and a year and a half with me. I'm over about 3-4 nights a week, so it's not like I don't get to spend any time with him. I'm not really sure other than the aspect of sharing space with someone else and the possibility of the status quo of our relationship changing what he's not sure of. I need to talk to him about that, but I don't want to bring it up too soon after this past little talk because I don't want to make him feel like I'm rushing him or harping. We actually have very similar styles of keeping house and we tend to get along really well when we spend lots of time together, so I don't think it's that. He spends a lot of time with his (male) best friend watching movies and stuff like that. They actually live next door to each other. He really likes that aspect... Who wouldn't? I'm really glad for his self-awareness. I, too, don't want to try to force anything or move too quickly. I don't want him (or me, for that matter) to do anything significant like this unless he's 100% ready. I've had relationships end in disaster before that were made worse by moving in, so I realize the importance of taking it slowly.
norajane Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 Living together requires a lot of hard work, compromise and giving up your private time and space. You always have to take the other person into consideration, and you always have to accept that there's nowhere to go if you need to be alone for a couple of days. Unless you are 100% ready for that kind of togetherness, better to live apart.
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