Dumper stories

[Rearden Metal]

Let's all back off for a minute. Unsaved, this is a tough topic for most on here because it's opening wounds and it's feeding off an unhealthy perspective: Assumptions.

 

We can tell our stories, but to relate them to how particularly our exes are acting/feeling is pure speculation and does not help us in any way.

 

Sativo, Unsaved is a good kid. She's in a lot of pain and is trying to reach out for help. Please keep that in mind while responding to her posts.

[unsaved]

Truthfully, the thread turned into something that was actually pretty helpful for me personally even though my original intent may not have been helpful. Funny how that happens.

[pickleB]

I was in the same place as your dude(s) but I was pre-emptive about it. I saw the signs from her spelling doom for the relationship... the sex dropping off, bad communication, pure bitchiness from her towards me and everyone else and much more of her time spent away from home. I tried and tried and tried to talk to her about all of these things and never got anywhere. There is one thing that ANY dude should recognize in a relationship and that is when your partner has lost attraction for you. So, I would not feel too bad about dumping these guys if the signs were already there and they didn't see them. I saw them, tried my best to fix them, didn't and left. The best part for her is that *I* am the bad guy and she is the poor injured woman because I left such a remarkable innocent woman...lol. What a racket. Bottom line.. people can see the signs or not see them... it is not up to you to force them too. The whole getting the next chode in line before you are done with the old one sucks tho.

[sativo]

Hey unsaved.. sorry if I came off negative. You're right, I don't know you, and for some reason the way the thread was reading lead me to wonder if maybe you're an academic doing research or something -- which as you might imagine, was upsetting considering why we're all here.

 

But you've clearly shown me I was jumping to conclusions and that I'm probably a little paranoid and sensitive at the moment.

 

Anywho... I didn't mean to jump your thread like that. Cheers.

[unsaved]

No hard feelings Sativo. Like RM said, it probably didn't start out as the best idea in the world after all and it all only leads to speculating and assumptions.

[monkeymaid]

I was in the same place as your dude(s) but I was pre-emptive about it. I saw the signs from her spelling doom for the relationship... the sex dropping off, bad communication, pure bitchiness from her towards me and everyone else and much more of her time spent away from home. I tried and tried and tried to talk to her about all of these things and never got anywhere. There is one thing that ANY dude should recognize in a relationship and that is when your partner has lost attraction for you. So, I would not feel too bad about dumping these guys if the signs were already there and they didn't see them. I saw them, tried my best to fix them, didn't and left. The best part for her is that *I* am the bad guy and she is the poor injured woman because I left such a remarkable innocent woman...lol. What a racket. Bottom line.. people can see the signs or not see them... it is not up to you to force them too. The whole getting the next chode in line before you are done with the old one sucks tho.

 

THIS FTMFW!!!!!

 

i am in the same boat as you, unfortunately, i am a week out of it and to me, it doesnt matter who did the breaking up, it still hurts me like she left. problem is ...ive turned into a little bitch the last 2 days, and i cant say i dont want her back. i kee asking, will she ever learn? will she eer come back? will she see me for what i was, or will i always be the monster? i dunno, just the process of getting over it i guess.

[Eeyore79]

I have been in relationships where I knew I wasn't really into the guy but I didn't want to be alone, so I kept the relationship going while I kept an eye out for something better. I didn't see the point in breaking up with someone just to be alone, because I felt like I wasn't missing anything by being with him, since I hadn't actually met anyone else; on the contrary, he was keeping me company. Generally I viewed him as a really good friend, and I knew I would lose his friendship if I dumped him, which also dissuaded me from doing it. Also there was the idea that "maybe I'm being too demanding, maybe he's the best I'll ever get and I ought not to throw him away", etc.

 

But deep down I knew I wasn't really into him, so the sex would peter out, and we would be more friends than anything else. I would daydream of finding someone better who I was actually in love with, and feel disappointed in the guy I was with. Also I was a coward and couldn't face actually telling him the relationship was over and facing up to hurting someone who was a close friend.

 

This situation would usually continue until the point where I met someone else who I preferred and they seemed keen on a relationship, and then I would dump my boyfriend. Having met someone else would allay my fears of my current bf being "the best I could expect", and the new bf would fill the gap in my life left by losing the old bf's friendship.

 

I would generally miss the old bf's friendship, and feel a sense of guilt about hurting him, but I would cut contact with him completely because I didn't want to be even more cruel by giving him false hope. In general the novelty of the new bf would ease me over that period of guilt and transition.

 

This happened a few times, until I learned a bit about myself and started turning down dates from guys I wasn't really into. I know what would have happened: I wasn't really into them, I'd be looking to trade up, and when I did I'd lose their friendship. By not dating them in the first place I've retained them as a friend and not hurt them, other than rejecting their offer of a date.

 

This sort of helps me to understand how guys have behaved when they've dumped me. A couple of them didn't even tell me I was dumped, they just avoided me until I got the message, because they obviously felt the same cowardice and lack of desire to face up to hurting me. Now it's been done to me, I realise how much it hurts when you're hoping and being let down, and why a clean and truthful break is best. I just saw my dumped exes' crying and begging as pathetic, so the guys who dumped me probably saw me in the same way. Maybe they wanted to be friends with me too, but didn't want to give me false hope... maybe they miss my friendship. I'd like to think they do anyway.

[abdellost]

Jazzpur,

 

Sadly, no. I never missed them as being my boyfriends. I missed them as people. Even over the past years, I still check in on them on facebook to see how they're doing. Neither of them live in the same city as I do, one is married, and one has been in a 3-4 yr relationship with his g/f. But, honestly, I can't say that I made mistakes breaking up with them. I did it because that was the right choice for me at the time. And I have learned a lot from both of them and they have made me who I am today.

 

If our lives had lined up again one day and we were both single and it was right, I would definitely consider giving them another chance. But, life RARELY works out that way, as you can see in both of my situations. I am not going to PUSH for that to happen, b/c I just don't think either were meant to be for me. I am just glad they are happy.

 

 

 

I really want to thank you unsaved, for your time and perspective. You do sound legit and honest. and a lot like my Ex ( only had one which was for 5 years).

 

But just dont get how you can not miss them you know? I mean did he ever go and pick you up every day? give up things for you? fought for you and risked his life and so much money for you? I get that when someone stops being sexual to you, it would affect you subconsciously. But the feeling to miss them as a boyfriend not there at all?

 

For me, all i want is my ex to miss me. too be honest, she was all over me the day before like i told u. I was her first everything, and if i get a call or a text from a girl infront of her. or if we were chatting and i would reply late, she would jump conclusion that i was talking to girls, its hard to believe that she was eyeing someone else or thinking of someone else. But there must be no other reason. ya she was with me since she was 15. she really has not tried the other "grasses". Its funny how a guy can not be a guy at all: doesnt lie, drink, smoke, look at girls, flirt for fun, and yet gets dumped so harshly for sterotypes (she thinks all guys are like me, due to the fact i was the only oine with her for 5 years). so yea, what made you not miss them then? there must have been something.

[unsaved]

What made me not miss them? I didn't miss them b/c I found a new guy to be interested in. We all know how getting a crush or having a new relationship is: A whirlwind of wonderful emotions and excitement about learning something new about a brand new person. For me, I was so focused on that and I didn't really even think about my ex afterward. In fact, I remember myself being sort of angry toward one of my exes b/c he kept texting me, calling me, etc. after I broke up with him b/c, in my mind, he was in some way interfering with my newfound interest. Man, I was such a b*tch. But it's the truth.

 

And these guys did a lot of things for me. And I did many good things for them too. I'm not a bad girlfriend, by any means. I tend to put in a good amount of effort too. Just, once the relationship was over and I was with someone else, I literally didn't think about that stuff anymore.The new love interest essentially replaced my interest in them.

 

But, like I said, i really didn't "miss them" in the sense that I wanted them back as a boyfriend in my life. I thought about them, how I had hurt them, and hoped that they had become happy. But, that was it. Where I'm at in my life right now (recently dumped), I do perhaps miss them more. They were so good to me, just like my most recent ex was. I know now that having a good guy who's going to stick with you no matter what happens is so important and what I want in my life. Sex and attraction are important too, but really only secondary. But, I had to discover that through experience.

 

Again, I don't know if this is similar for you and your exes or not. Just what I went through in my life. It never meant that I didn't deeply care about them. If your ex told you she/he loved you, they meant it. They truly do want the best for you too. Yeah, I know that's hard to see, but someday you will. Please remember that. Life just sucks sometimes and it's all about timing and making the right connection at the right time. I HATE that. I just wish things could work out when you want them to. I'm going through the same struggle. I can't wait for the day when the right connection happens for me and I find my special someone. You all will too.

[Woggle]

The only time I dumped a woman she deserved it.

 

I can't speak for this guy but chances are he has treated a woman well in the past only to get crapped on. When this happens to a guy they can become very cold towards women in general. Once you hit a certain age men unless they have found a good woman and commited tend to become player types because they learned that their old ways got them nowhere. I am sorry but it is true. Older single guys in many cases are the most bitter people on earth towards the opposite sex.

[LovelyDaze]

I can't really p*** in unsaved's lemonade because I also have been a dumper despite joining LS as a dumpee.

 

As maybe only a few know, I was dumped in October by my BF because he met a girl in Vegas. They got engaged within a couple of weeks and are getting married when he returns from Afghanistan next year. In between that time he tried to get back with me to the last week of his deployment (He asked ME to wait for him when he returns! So stupid)

 

And yet, in my early 20s, I dumped a couple of guys for about the same reasons unsaved had done. I felt like crap afterward because I learned the grass was NOT greener and tried to get back with the exes to no avail.

As my friend McGrupp stated...Karma is a bitch and it DOES happen to all of us and teaches us lessons on how not to be such an a**....if we heed to it anyway.

 

What I am trying to say is that we all have done some unshiny behavior in some area in our lives. unsaved seems to be realizing the ramifications of her past behavior and wants to do things different.

 

It's great that many dumpers do realize they screwed up big time and some do try to get back with their ex and/or change their ways so that they don't mess up next time. The ones that don't...are a sad, hopeless cases that will never find the love they seek. Either way..the dumpee wins by just moving on with their own life happily.

[abdellost]

What made me not miss them? I didn't miss them b/c I found a new guy to be interested in. We all know how getting a crush or having a new relationship is: A whirlwind of wonderful emotions and excitement about learning something new about a brand new person. For me, I was so focused on that and I didn't really even think about my ex afterward. In fact, I remember myself being sort of angry toward one of my exes b/c he kept texting me, calling me, etc. after I broke up with him b/c, in my mind, he was in some way interfering with my newfound interest. Man, I was such a b*tch. But it's the truth.

 

And these guys did a lot of things for me. And I did many good things for them too. I'm not a bad girlfriend, by any means. I tend to put in a good amount of effort too. Just, once the relationship was over and I was with someone else, I literally didn't think about that stuff anymore.The new love interest essentially replaced my interest in them.

 

But, like I said, i really didn't "miss them" in the sense that I wanted them back as a boyfriend in my life. I thought about them, how I had hurt them, and hoped that they had become happy. But, that was it. Where I'm at in my life right now (recently dumped), I do perhaps miss them more. They were so good to me, just like my most recent ex was. I know now that having a good guy who's going to stick with you no matter what happens is so important and what I want in my life. Sex and attraction are important too, but really only secondary. But, I had to discover that through experience.

 

Again, I don't know if this is similar for you and your exes or not. Just what I went through in my life. It never meant that I didn't deeply care about them. If your ex told you she/he loved you, they meant it. They truly do want the best for you too. Yeah, I know that's hard to see, but someday you will. Please remember that. Life just sucks sometimes and it's all about timing and making the right connection at the right time. I HATE that. I just wish things could work out when you want them to. I'm going through the same struggle. I can't wait for the day when the right connection happens for me and I find my special someone. You all will too.

 

 

Well the more you talk about it honestly, the more it sounds like her, no offense dear. A few different things though, like she was literally all over me the day before and even during our big fight and all the way up until we were in bed sleeping and she was talking to me on the phone. she broke up the next day, the day after i went to her college and she was yelling and talking to me like she was the one to be mad! she was throwing fists and talking like i raped her and i took away her most precious valuables. i really was so surprised. I never treated her bad, flirted with a girl or cheated or anything to make her treat me like that you know.

 

They truly want the best for themselves first than maybe the ones they dumped. Because if they wanted the best for us, dumpees, they would have discussed it with us. broke it off in the right way, bring up all the topics and leave it on the table and say sorry i cant do it anymore.

 

Only thing i truly feel that will make me go on is Karma. unsaved you probably understand how karma works after this recent break up of yours i presume. so i really hope someone bites her on the ass like she did to me, and to all the dumpers who did that to their beloved ones who truly cherished them (except you unsaved =) ).

[sad_dude]

Hey Unsaved,

 

You started up a really interesting and great thread. I think you were very brave sharing your stories and being honest. I've seen a few negative comments and how karma comes back to bite you. Which you have taken in your stride. I think it's great you have learnt from your past mistakes, it's a shame it took you till you got dumped to realise .. well done though and now your thought process is much more solid i think the next relationship is going to rock!

[unsaved]

Well, thanks all :-) I'm glad I started this thread too. Please continue to ask me any questions you want. I obviously have nothing to hide. HA.

 

Boy is Karma a bitch. I mean, the breakup I had before this most recent one was UGLY. I mean, I was in a mentally abusive relationship and at the worst time in my life. He broke up and got back together with me 3 times, which totally f*cked with my mind and emotions. I was so emotionally devoted to this guy. He then left me and slept with a coworker of mine the same night. UGH. I thought THAT was my karma! I had learned THEN what relationships are really about and mistakes I made in the past.

 

But then THIS most recent breakup happened to me too. I had a wonderful guy and the guy just gave up on me when things started to get hard. I mean, I'm not going to say it still isn't Karma. I probably deserve it too. But still. I don't know how much more karma I can take.

 

What I hate is when exes DON'T get karma! My first ex, whom I also loved dearly, treated me like SH*T. He met his future wife after me. No problem. So, that karma really never came. Although, maybe he did get it in some form and I don't know about it.

 

MAN, I am just so ready to be a better person and treat a good guy absolutely wonderfully. I've had enough of dating and all this. A few months ago, I told a friend of mine that if my most recent relationship didn't work, I was giving up on relationships for good! (I said this b/c I was absolutely sure this guy and I were going to stay together). HA! Look where I am now! I just wish I knew how to make this stuff work.

[sad_dude]

Unsaved - you are an interesting lady! What interests me the most is that you think you deserve or deserved some your bad relationships unsaved, I think you feel this because you feel guilty about past and dumps you have done to nice guys. I think many people believe they deserve these issues, you are not alone but once you realise what you believe usually come to fruition it may help you be more positive and aide in finding better partner(s)!

 

The reason I say this is when you told your friend if this relationship didn't work out you'd give up on relationships all together was a big indicator of this and secondly that maybe you shouldn't jump into your next relationship and really understand yourself and what you want from your next partner. Also it's probably not good for you to want your ex's to feel bad and get what they deserve, they may do, they may not. Focus on you and the future, it's far more interesting and fun

 

It's easy to jump into a relationship with the next nice guy that comes along, treat him wonderfully, but you wouldnt be addressing the key issues.

 

When did your last relationship break down?

[unsaved]

Well, I don't sit and WISH ill will on all my exes who broke up with me. I just think that waiting for Karma isn't a good idea. B/c I'm not sure it happens all the time. Just to me, apparently! HA. FML :-P

 

I don't plan to jump into another relationship. I'm sure the same thing would happen again. I think I probably need a few months or more to get myself back together and to fully look at what went wrong with this recent relationship and how I need to better myself even more. My recent relationship ended Feb. 7th. So, over a month ago. Ironically, it was a nice guy who left me.

[LovelyDaze]

Well, I don't sit and WISH ill will on all my exes who broke up with me. I just think that waiting for Karma isn't a good idea. B/c I'm not sure it happens all the time. Just to me, apparently! HA. FML :-P

 

I don't plan to jump into another relationship. I'm sure the same thing would happen again. I think I probably need a few months or more to get myself back together and to fully look at what went wrong with this recent relationship and how I need to better myself even more. My recent relationship ended Feb. 7th. So, over a month ago. Ironically, it was a nice guy who left me.

 

You might need to do a "dating sabbatical." That's what I have chosen to do from all of my relationship and dating disasters. You take time out just for you and to find out what type of guy you really should bring into your life.

 

During your break, look back at your past relationships and see if there is some kind of pattern that needs to be broken. Then make a conscious choice NOT to date that guy so you won't end up dumping them or being dumped by them.