Dumper stories

[mmk1]

Unsaved, IDK why people are giving you a hard time except that, as someone else said, that your experience sounds familar to them with their exes.

 

Your post is like many stories from dumpers where they mentally check out days, weeks, even months before they pull the trigger, which I believe is common. Rarely is does the first thought of breaking up occur the day you do it.

 

Dumpers always seem to disengage over time as their own self-defense mechanism. I've done it myself. Its selfish but ultimately we do what's best for us, which usually is selfish. I'd be surprised if there isn't anyone who hasn't done this themselves, unless they have never been the dumper.

 

Thanks for your insight and reminder what's its like to be on the other side. Hopefully, it will help dumpees realize that their ex is likely gone for good by the time they get dumped and the dumpees can know its time to move on and live their lives.

[unsaved]

Jerry, I said those things b/c I KNOW they are happier now. Hell yeah, that makes me feel good and eases my conscience that they're with someone better. Yes, that eases my guilt. Duh. I will always have guilt about it though. But i really mean it that I am ALSO glad these men are happier in their lives JUST BECAUSE. I genuinely cared about them. I didn't break up with them and say "F*ck you, see ya later. I'm never going to think of you again." I am not heartless. I really cared about them, and I'm so happy they are not hurting anymore.

 

And thanks mmk. That's all I was originally trying to do with this post was let people know what I had done in the past so maybe some of you could relate and see that maybe holding out hope isn't the best thing for you if your situation is similar and to help you begin the healing process. Just to give you some insight if your ex won't tell you anything. But, I'm sorta glad you guys responded the way you did too. Has helped out in a strange way. Has made me remember that my current dumper probably has reasons for why he did this and won't be coming back either and that I WILL get over this and find someone wonderful too.

 

[monkeymaid]

unsaved. ...what would have made you stay?

[unsaved]

What would've made me stay in those relationships? Sadly, nothing. In both relationships, I knew I wanted something else. Granted, I had no idea what else specifically, but just something else. Now, I am NOT speaking for all of your exes! I'm just speaking from my experience in those two situations. They were "is the grass greener?" situations. I had to be with others for me to truly know.

 

And ya know what? The grass really wasn't that much greener. The grass was just different. But, I had to take the chance to know.

[monkeymaid]

this makes me sad a little because i am not one of those people, but i fell in love with one. i know exactly what i have and its current and future values. some people do not know, and i wish with everything that i have , that i could somehow make things different.

[unsaved]

What do you mean, monkey?

[monkeymaid]

it weird. since i was a smal boy, i never wanted what everyone else had for the sake of having it. ..once in a while i genuinely wanted the same thing, but never just to see. i always seem to want the things i need, or the things i know i will use. i started to get into snowboarding by buying everything i needed and forcing myself to never give up on it. ...i still do it to this day and will never stop short of necessity. i snowboard every season with the same appreciation i had when i started. ...same with scuba diving, school, cars, friends, toys everything. ...i have had the same friends (plus more) since age 6 and i will never get rid of them. they are what i want, need, have. this is just how it is for me. ...i have gone through break ups, but never becasue i was an *******, did wrong things, it was always becasue they changed and i was always ok with it. its what they wanted. i am in no way perfect, but when i have something, i dont feel the need to look for it anywhere else ever (at least for 27 years)

 

and that makes me sad because i know that it is she that i want in every facet down to how our toes fit together, but she doesnt know if thats what she wants, so i must let her go and find what she is looking for, and by the time she finds it, i would have moved on, but in this momet i am sad becasue i know for me, she is what i want, what i will always want in a woman, what i have always wanted in a woman

[jerrytodd]

and that makes me sad because i know that it is she that i want in every facet down to how our toes fit together, but she doesnt know if thats what she wants, so i must let her go and find what she is looking for, and by the time she finds it, i would have moved on, but in this momet i am sad becasue i know for me, she is what i want, what i will always want in a woman, what i have always wanted in a woman

 

Unsaved/MMK, this is the fundamental difference and it does explain things. I spent 25 years (yes I am really old) in the same relationship. there was good and bad and at the end I was looking for something different and felt there were many reasons (unappreciated being number 1). I never ever looked around. I was happy in that what I had was good but not totally fulfilling. I never let minor things please or anger me.

 

In my most recent relationship it wasnt a good looking girl that made me turn my head, it was something at an unholy other level.

 

But for some people it is the fact there is something different out there, not better just different. And if she had never ever told me that "I have never felt this way before" then I wouldnt be too upset. But if that is the case and you are in that deep then why does someone look farther? And in her case, its because she can and always has.

[unsaved]

I totally respect you, Monkey. I think that is very noble that you just enjoy what you have in life. You sound like a great man and you will definitely find a wonderful woman to make you happy someday. I am the sort of person who misses out on what I have in this moment and I tend to focus on the past or future. (I have anxiety problems.) I miss out on what I have RIGHT NOW. I so badly want to change that and am working on it. I think we all get so caught up in things from the past or what could happen in the future that we miss out on the here and now. We miss out on the fact that we are just great people and we need to be happy with ourselves, whether we are with someone or not.

[jazzpur]

unsaved,

 

just curious.... what constituted towards being "unhappy" in your relationships. was it a lack of appreciation as many women say? Was it the honeymoon just burning out, and being too naive to relieze it doesnt last forever? Or was it the attention from somebody new that made it all come to reality? Please be descriptive as possible if you can.

 

What causes this "lack of attraction" assuming they were "wonderful" and still the same person physically?

[unsaved]

I honestly think it was the attention from somebody else that made me realize that I could have something different than what I'm currently in. It made me wonder what another relationship would be like and if I could be happier somewhere else. I don't really think I felt unappreciated or too naive about the honeymood phase burning out.

 

It is so hard to put your finger on how the relationship changed or how my guys changed, because they really didn't. I changed. And the change happened SLOWLY over time. A bunch of rapid refirings of neurons in my brain slowly telling me that I wanted something different than what I had currently. It's hard to pinpoint exactly what happened to make me realize it.

 

I guess in my case, I didnt' feel that my guys yearned for me sexually, because we weren't having sex very often. I'm sure they truly did, but didn't show it or let me know it. I need a guy who yearns for me sexually often and will often remind me through behaviors and telling me how sexy I am. I love a guy who is assertive with me when it comes to sex. It turns me on. I have only found this out since those relationships and dating someone else. Also, I eventually realized i wasn't attracted to my first breakup guy. Really, no attraction. Another thing I only realized years after we have broken up. The second breakup guy i dated had a 6 year old son to take care of. I TRIED to make that work. But over time, my realization that I wasn't going to be happy in that relationship eventually came too. But, coming to that realization happened SO SLOWLY that I still wasn't sure if I wanted to make it work or not even at the end. Having a new guy come along sorta made the decision for me. (terrible, I know.) That is the only way I can explain it. The guys were wonderful and never changed, as you said. My brain changed. What I wanted in life changed. I felt I needed more evidence from other relationships on what I wanted, b/c I had no idea what I wanted.

 

Obviously, I was immature in these relationships. I didn't know what I wanted, so I just kept going with what felt right, being with them. I'd like to think that several years later I have a better understanding of what I want. And, I would say I do.

 

That help? :-)

[jazzpur]

so technically, you werent really halfway out of the door in these relationships because you never realized anything until somebody new showed up and flipped the switch so to speak... otherwise, wouldnt you have tryed to fix the situation???....perhaps intitiated sex yourself rather than wait. Or atleast make mention these problems. Im not trying to critisize.. just trying to make sense of the female dumper in these grass is greener situations. It seems as if they all make split second emotional decisions...to be attracted to somebody new which makes them loose feelings for the current bf that same instant rather than a decay.

[unsaved]

Well, I DID think about these issues (poor sex life, he has a kid, etc.) during our relationships and I DID say something about it. We tried to address the sex issue but nothing really changed. I'll be honest, I didn't try that hard either. Totally my fault too. I was already in a negative mindset that it wasn't going to work. As far as the issue with the kid, I figured it was something I needed to "get over" on my own. Let's face it, the guy can't change the fact that he has a 6-year-old and has to take care of him. As time moved on and more and more issues came up, I started thinking maybe the sex and the kid and whatever other problems were not what I wanted in relationships. BUT, I was never SURE. I didn't want to let go of something I wasn't SURE I wantd to let go of. I woud've rather been in these relationships and tried to get it figured out than just let them go and be alone and never know if it would've worked out or not.

 

I guess what I'm saying is my exes and I were both aware of the issues, but at that time, nothing ever motivated EITHER of us enough to actively try to change anything or do something about it. We were comfortable in our relationship. We were content with where we were at in our relationship just enough to never do much to make the bad parts better. Subconsciously I was probably not happy with where we were at and NEEDED a change, but it wasn't to my awareness enough to make me actually do anything about it (And I was probly too scared).The only thing that brought that awareness was the random meeting and attraction to another person out there. And just getting with a brand new person is so much easier and more exciting than staying with the same guy and continuing to "try." That is SO HARSH for me to say, but that is the God's honest truth.

[latebloomertoo]

I too was struggling with the constant back and forth. I went looking for some help on forums like this but decided to focus on myself. That's when I found this book and DVD

 

Called the "Break Up Miracle" Check it out

I've got the link in my signature if you're interested

[rand0m]

But isn't that just a pattern that you'll eventually have to break?

What gets me is that there's always going to be problems in a relationship. Couples who have been married for 20, 30, 40 years have issues and always had certain miscommunications or problems surrounding their relationships, but at the end of the day, they love each other and enjoy being together.

Everytime someone gets to that "ok, this is getting serious, feelings are sort of changing, things are missing", and then decides to pull chute because someone else walks a different walk and grabs your attention, the cycle is bound to repeat itself.

Anybody can walk away from something, force it out of their head, and move on with someone new because there's an excitement. That will fade, and you'll be back at square one.

It takes heart, courage, and strength to stick it out for the sake of love. To address problems and fix them. Sure, unhappiness will lead to depression and an unwillingness to try, or a "no hope" sort of attitude, but it's not your partner that makes you happy, it's you. You're partner is just a hand to hold through the journey of life. Someone who loves you for you, who cares, who gives, who supports.. a friend beyond friends.

Sure, sex is important, passion as well, but love is what people seek for all their lives. When you have it, i believe you shouldn't let it go.

 

i'm young, i realize that. i'm heartbroken but optimistic. i have some older friends who make me smile to myself; in their thirties, desperate to find a love that they actually had felt once before, a long time ago but let it slip away.

i hear the same story, over and over again: "they were so young, there's so much out there to see, you'll find someone else, people change". well, from learning from the experiences of those around me.. a lot of mistakes are made, especially in respect to letting go of young love. it's like the purest form. think of little boys (4,5,6,7, etc.) who fall madly in love with the girl next door, and hold hands and have their little fake weddings. they're just so happy. it's temporary, has no meaning, they grow apart and had fun, but at that moment, there's nothing else that matters. free from society and social networks, no drama or major issues.. just some form of "love".

[Drummergirl_23]

I've been dumped many times. As a matter of fact, I've never actually been able to bring myself to dump anyone but I can't be mad at the dumper. Does it really matter why they want to be away from you? The bottom line is that the relationship was not meant to be and for whatever reason, that person has experienced a change of heart. It doesn't matter if they think "the grass is greener" with someone else. The point is that your relationship has run its course and no one can control when they fall in or out of love. Its not their fault, even though it hurts you like hell. When it comes to infidelity, that is another matter. Unacceptable and selfish behavior.

[unsaved]

You are right, Random. It's something that as you get older, you realize. Relationships take work and I know that I am ready to actually work to make my relationships better so I can be with that person forever.

 

With my previous breakups, i didn't have the "heart, courage, or strength to stick it out" as you said. Now that I'm older, I know what I want, and am READY for commitment and a lasting relationship with someone. I am ready to make it work. I've had my "grass is greener" scenarios and I've learned that those don't tend to work out either. I just think I'm ready now. But, it took breaking up a few times and getting broken up with to learn all this stuff about myself. Believe it or not, breakups are GOOD for us. In the end, we turn out being better people.

 

I was TOTALLY ready with the guy who broke up with me most recently. We were in love and everything but having some arguing and he is the one who bailed on me for something better. I can't blame him or hate him for doing it. He probably had the same thing happen to him. He wasn't ready and I wasn't the one he was ready to work for. Makes me so sad, but it's a reality I know I will come to terms with.

 

But, MAN, would i have done ANYTHING to make things better. I am SO ready to be happy again.

[jazzpur]

unsaved,

 

at any point did you miss your ex and consider it a mistake? if so what was that timeline like?

[unsaved]

Jazzpur,

 

Sadly, no. I never missed them as being my boyfriends. I missed them as people. Even over the past years, I still check in on them on facebook to see how they're doing. Neither of them live in the same city as I do, one is married, and one has been in a 3-4 yr relationship with his g/f. But, honestly, I can't say that I made mistakes breaking up with them. I did it because that was the right choice for me at the time. And I have learned a lot from both of them and they have made me who I am today.

 

If our lives had lined up again one day and we were both single and it was right, I would definitely consider giving them another chance. But, life RARELY works out that way, as you can see in both of my situations. I am not going to PUSH for that to happen, b/c I just don't think either were meant to be for me. I am just glad they are happy.

[sativo]

I'm confused about this thread. Are you currently going through a break up and are looking for advice?

 

If so, you might want to stick to that point. All this other stuff about your past is just muddying the waters IMO.

[unsaved]

LOL, Sativo, you might want to go back and read the entire thread.

 

But, if you have a story you would like to share, that'd be wonderful. There have only been one or two brave souls to share that they have actually broken up with someone too.

[sativo]

That's just the problem. There's a lot of stuff going on in this thread. Frankly, I'm confused about your agenda.

 

Again, if you want to focus on a current break up that you're going through, and are looking for support, then why not stick to that?

 

But if you're here just sharing your experiences as the dumper, just to let people know the human side of your story, then I kind of think you're stirring up sh*t. That's just my opinion, but it seems like a lot of people have been emotionally jolted by your discussion -- even if your overall point has a happy ending.

 

Anyway, I just think your agenda is confusing.

[unsaved]

Well, read my original post. That was my original agenda. I am stuck at a point where I have been wondering what my ex is thinking and if he will come back and holding onto hope. I was hoping some people might post some "dumper" stories so I may possibly see a similar situation to mine where I could gain some insight and that I could relate to and help with my holding onto hope. Getting into a dumper's head can be helpful, IMO.

 

I'm not trying to stir up anything about feeling sorry for a dumper or trying to give their side or anything like that. The discussion just led that way. It was not my agenda.

 

So, sorry you are confused.

[sativo]

Not to nitpick, but really, maybe you should re-read your original post. 90% of it is your break up stories. Then you have that last bit you casually throw in about how some guy broke up with you.

 

While not necessarily healthy, you're welcome to try understanding what goes on in the mind of your "dumper". But it just seemed as though the emphasis you had in your original post, and the direction you've taken in this thread is playing the devil's advocate -- as opposed to asking what people think about what your current guy must be thinking.

 

Everyone's story is different. And everyones "dumper" is different. Some are decent people who felt they needed to move on because they outgrew the relationship. Some were twisted selfish psychos.

 

What's the point in dissecting them in general? Seems the better orientation is to focus on healing and moving forward.

 

And while on the topic of nit picking... "Sorry you are confused" smacks of being snobbish. But hey, everyone is entitled to their own style I suppose.

Edited March 9, 2010 by sativo

[unsaved]

We all have our own ways of healing. Unfortunately, Sativo, you do not know me. If you were a friend of mine or a knew who I was, you might respect the fact that asking a question about what my ex is thinking or what others' exes are thinking is just my own idea of maybe how I can heal from my own breakup. I could be totally wrong, but that particular topic is what I am struggling with and I thought it would be helpful to me (and perhaps others) to hear what dumpers have done. I am extremely sorry that I have caused confusion or an appearance that I just want to make people upset. I swear on my life that I was not trying to play any sort of Devil's Advocate. I was only trying to take a foot-in-the-door technique by offering up my own stories so others wouldn't be afraid to offer up theirs. That is it. Nothing behind it.

 

If you knew me, you'd know that I'm not a snob. I'm truly just someone who wants to get some support and help from everyone. And, despite your negative tone and obvious disgust with what I've said, I still appreciate your feedback and have realized that my original post may not have conveyed my original point as well as it should've. So, I truly mean that I'm sorry. I guess I can't make you believe that, but I am.