threebyfate Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 To use an analogy to explain what I mean, which probably isn't necessary but you never know: Say I told you I hated you enough to kill. Then I pointed a gun to your head. Would you then say, "Wow, now we're finally communicating and there's a chance that we can be friends"?
Hot Carl Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 To use an analogy to explain what I mean, which probably isn't necessary but you never know: Say I told you I hated you enough to kill. Then I pointed a gun to your head. Would you then say, "Wow, now we're finally communicating and there's a chance that we can be friends"? That's how I've always taken it.
shadowplay Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 A_U, you're never going to win this guy over. n my experience men don't grow to become more serious about a girl if they initially categorized her as non-serious. It's just not the way they operate.
Twenty-ten Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 (edited) That's negative, pessimistic and insecure as well. WE are responsible for our OWN actions and choices. Men do not TRICK women into their bed. It takes 2 to tango. He's tricked her into thinking she could do this and be cool with it, by acting like her boyfriend but not actually being her boyfriend. So you're wrong, men do this and they do it a lot, and it takes a woman with eyes WIDE OPEN to see this pattern happening when it does. So yes I agree it takes two to tango and she should be responsible for her actions which leads me to question even moreso why in the world you would tell her to play it by ear and follow her heart at this point!?! That is hardly being responsible for her own actions. AU is too emotionally attached to the situation to see this, and is why she is coming here for fresh eyes to see the situation from the outside. Telling her to "play it by ear and to follow her heart" leads me to believe you have neither understood what she has been doing to herself or you really don't know how to avoid a dead end toxic situation when facing one. Edited March 6, 2010 by Twenty-ten
Author Awesome Username Posted March 6, 2010 Author Posted March 6, 2010 A_U, you're never going to win this guy over. n my experience men don't grow to become more serious about a girl if they initially categorized her as non-serious. It's just not the way they operate. Your hammer of truth would make Thor jealous. What's even more eye-opening Carhill, now that I'm going back and reading my old posts...is that fact that what I used to write was silly and made sense, and what I write now after I've met this guy is basically whiny, self-defeating up and down wanker talk. It's like I've lost my spark, and now I suck. It makes me wonder if that's not just in the posts...if in real life, I totally cover up everything silly and quirky about me in fear that a man will not like it. All of my attention is focused on where he's at in relation to me, and it's almost like I can't even enjoy myself. The ultimatum thread might as well have been called, "AU goes mentally ballistic." If that is what I'm actually projecting in real life and not just in that thread, I wouldn't want to by my girlfriend either. It's too bad because I'll bet if he knew normal, not infatuated AU that doesn't give a !!%!#$, he might want something more. If I am going not see him, how do I go about it? Do I explain the whole situation to him? I wouldn't want to just stop answering the phone for "no reason." It's not like I hate the guy or anything.
shadowplay Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 (edited) Your hammer of truth would make Thor jealous. What's even more eye-opening Carhill, now that I'm going back and reading my old posts...is that fact that what I used to write was silly and made sense, and what I write now after I've met this guy is basically whiny, self-defeating up and down wanker talk. It's like I've lost my spark, and now I suck. It makes me wonder if that's not just in the posts...if in real life, I totally cover up everything silly and quirky about me in fear that a man will not like it. All of my attention is focused on where he's at in relation to me, and it's almost like I can't even enjoy myself. The ultimatum thread might as well have been called, "AU goes mentally ballistic." If that is what I'm actually projecting in real life and not just in that thread, I wouldn't want to by my girlfriend either. It's too bad because I'll bet if he knew normal, not infatuated AU that doesn't give a !!%!#$, he might want something more. If I am going not see him, how do I go about it? Do I explain the whole situation to him? I wouldn't want to just stop answering the phone for "no reason." It's not like I hate the guy or anything. AU, why are you so down on yourself? You seem like a really cool person, and I mean that. You're smart, interesting, sweet, pretty, endearing and unique. Any worthwhile guy will appreciate you for your quirks, not in spite of them, so stop hiding them. I wouldn't just ignore his calls because that's not the considerate thing to do. It will make you feel guilty and it also might not provide you with a feeling of closure. I would call him up and explain that you like him a lot but you realized last night that you really can't do the non-exclusive thing. Tell him that you're looking for a committed relationship with someone who wants to be your boyfriend. Say it will be easier for you to move on completely if you stop communication and you hope he understands. Wish him well and hang up. Be nice but firm. Edited March 6, 2010 by shadowplay
carhill Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 IMO, when you celebrate yourself, that which is uniquely and unapologetically you, it will attract someone who connects with you and you can decide whether that connection joins with compatibility. Look at these episodes like this crush/dating/exclusive/not BF/GF - type stuff as signposts on the road. It pays to stop and look at them, for they direct you, but do let them deter you in your journey. If I am going not see him, how do I go about it? IME, women who don't want to see me any longer serve me a silence sandwich or merely say 'it's not working out and I don't wish to see you any longer'. No flowery explanations nor sensitive verbiage. Stick it in, pull it out and leave. Doesn't feel good, but life isn't always feel-good.
shadowplay Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 IME, women who don't want to see me any longer serve me a silence sandwich or merely say 'it's not working out and I don't wish to see you any longer'. No flowery explanations nor sensitive verbiage. Stick it in, pull it out and leave. Doesn't feel good, but life isn't always feel-good. Wouldn't you prefer a phone call though? I hate it when somebody just disappears without a trace. If anything it makes it harder for me to get over them (even if we weren't seeing each other for long).
threebyfate Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 I wouldn't call him up. If he calls, then you can finalize it with something like this: "I'm disappointed that you thought non-exclusivity meant that I would sleep with you, with no strings attached. With this in mind, it's time to part ways. I wish you well and hope we can maintain professional civility and distant friendship."
Twenty-ten Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 If I am going not see him, how do I go about it? Do I explain the whole situation to him? I wouldn't want to just stop answering the phone for "no reason." It's not like I hate the guy or anything. I agree that at this point in the game it would be weird to just disappear and it would not give you closure. I agree with Shadowplay's way to handle it, simply saying "I thought I wanted this but I don't. I want and do need more and this is why I need to close the chapter on us" but then again I also agree with what Carhill said, a simple "this isn't working for me" is also good enough. You decide. It's ok to be honest with him because you are ending things anyway so it's not like you would lose face if you said to him I like you but this makes me feel like crap and I deserve more. The point is confronting the situation and laying it out on the line for him but then closing the chapter. Take your time and figure out when you want to do this. But set yourself up to succeed. Don't be so hard on yourself, you don't just do all the things you described we ALL do that when we are in romantic situations, we all get emotionally caught up and lose our way a little. The key is to recognize when this is happening and acting in a way that will benefit you rather than fool you into thinking you are taking the best course of action. What you were doing was the best course of action to hang on and avoid the pain of cutting ties, but actually hanging on is even more painful and anxiety driven. So best to suffer a bit now and move on than to keep the suffering and confusion going for months on end, then you will have to also go through the suffering of the break up and even more pain.
sagetalk Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 He came over, and hugged me. I looked at him and told him that I was going home. He's like, "You're not staying over?" kind of shocked. What a shock, he wants to get physical without commitment knowing you want commitment. I don't like the sound of this guy. You have done what most girls will not do, stand up and take hold your worth. If you want a relationship before sexual intimacy, then that is what you need to go after. He's probably skilled, and has the ability to make you change your mind, but I caution you not to do that. Before you start dating again, make a list of "must's" and stick too them. If you don't start out with standards, your emotions can be easily manipulated by skilled men who only want your body. I'm proud of you, and doggonit, you have actually given me a ray of hope for the cute girls of my generation. Thanks, I needed it .
carhill Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Wouldn't you prefer a phone call though? TBH, it really doesn't matter to me. I generally have a sense of what's going down far prior to it 'happening', so further reinforcement is IMO superfluous. I respect that, generally, women have a different perspective and my advice to men to 'end it' in person reflects that. AU will find a balance which reflects what's healthy for her
Johnny M Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 You're both right. Honestly, my intention is not to hurt anybody or play games. I really am starting to care for this guy a lot, and I'm deluding myself if I think that I'd be comfortable being like one of his bros. My heart is tangled up already, and I think about him all the time. Infatuation makes my head all jumbled, and I turn into a mess. If I was better at standing up for myself and not compromising on things that I'm trying to refuse are a dealbreaker for me, I wouldn't be so wishy-washy and dramatic about everything. There would be no back and forth. I had a dream that his best friend told me this was not the time to date him. I think my sane mind is trying to tell me something. Johnny M, I'm trying to change. Well, at least you are honest with yourself; that's refreshing.
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