carhill Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 OP, I got the Argentina (tool) guy confused with crush (hang out exclusive) guy. Old fart reading comprehension issues. The proper date advice still is offered but I included the strangers houses part because I thought it was Argentina guy whom invited you to his place after playing pool. My error. Still good advice, but applied and offered from incorrect understanding in this instance. Do you sometimes feel like a pin ball in an old-fashioned mechanical pinball machine? Smacked from paddle to bumper, seemingly indiscriminately? When I read your posts, this is the feeling I'm getting. You seem like you want to work this out. Hope LS is helping posts crossing.....thanks for clarifying on Indian guy. Will have to re-read now...
Twenty-ten Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Argentinian guys ARE hot and are not tools, thank you very much. Just wanted to make sure some of you men understood that well. From a female perspective they are highly desirable men.
carhill Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 In this case, it is perceived as he is being used as a tool. Note how the OP describes the dynamic. His culture was only noted for identification purposes. He could be Greek for all I care
Twenty-ten Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 And WTF!?!? Where are some you thinking she went home with a stranger, it was the same guy she has been dating that she went back to play pool with. It was no stranger or new guy!!
threebyfate Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 In this case, it is perceived as he is being used as a tool. Note how the OP describes the dynamic. His culture was only noted for identification purposes. He could be Greek for all I care Ahem, Greek men are hawtness plus!! Don't be calling them tools. :laugh:
Twenty-ten Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 In this case, it is perceived as he is being used as a tool. Note how the OP describes the dynamic. His culture was only noted for identification purposes. He could be Greek for all I care Ohhhhh!! I thought you were calling him a tool just because you didn't like Argentinian guys. I noticed people sure like to make general assumptions about entire ethnic groups around here. Thanks for explaining that.
Author Awesome Username Posted March 6, 2010 Author Posted March 6, 2010 You are crazy, emotionally unstable and thrive on drama. Those are the only thoughts I had after reading this thread. I strongly recommend you stay away from him, for a while at least, that would be best for you. You're both right. Honestly, my intention is not to hurt anybody or play games. I really am starting to care for this guy a lot, and I'm deluding myself if I think that I'd be comfortable being like one of his bros. My heart is tangled up already, and I think about him all the time. Infatuation makes my head all jumbled, and I turn into a mess. If I was better at standing up for myself and not compromising on things that I'm trying to refuse are a dealbreaker for me, I wouldn't be so wishy-washy and dramatic about everything. There would be no back and forth. I had a dream that his best friend told me this was not the time to date him. I think my sane mind is trying to tell me something. Johnny M, I'm trying to change.
Twenty-ten Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 (edited) You're both right. Honestly, my intention is not to hurt anybody or play games. I really am starting to care for this guy a lot, and I'm deluding myself if I think that I'd be comfortable being like one of his bros. My heart is tangled up already, and I think about him all the time. Infatuation makes my head all jumbled, and I turn into a mess. If I was better at standing up for myself and not compromising on things that I'm trying to refuse are a dealbreaker for me, I wouldn't be so wishy-washy and dramatic about everything. There would be no back and forth. I had a dream that his best friend told me this was not the time to date him. I think my sane mind is trying to tell me something. Johnny M, I'm trying to change. Good!!! This is very good AU. Don't be so hard on yourself it's not just you, MOST of us are like that. Most women can't handle the no strings attached scenario we are lying to ourselves thinking that we can handle that especially if there are already feelings involved. This is great progress on your part, being conscious of what you are doing that leads you down a path of destruction, is very good. Just like you have incredible will power to not get physical with a guy who is not going to value you enough to want to be exclusive with you, (and I really want to commend you on that because a lot of women in your shoes wouldn't have your will power) you need to now extend that strength one step further and keep your distance from him. Look at last night as a test, of what it would have been like under this new arrangement you had agreed on, it didn't work so now it's time to revise your strategy. You now know you cannot be out with him as "one of the guys" because emotions get in the way. Take some time to yourself, and keep busy with other friends. Or in the least if you do decide to hang out with him again just because you enjoy bar hopping with him, make it your personal goal to call it a night the moment the bars close down. But I caution you on this action because last night you were lucky the stars where in your favour and you had men coming on to you and it seems like this got him a bit jealous and that's great and all but what will you do next time when the roles are flipped? He is either flirting or coming on to women right in front of your face. That won't feel so good and it will be another hurtful situation that you will have to deal with ending the night on a sour note. PS you ARE good at standing up for yourself, don't think otherwise. You just have to push yourself a little further that's all. ;-) Edited March 6, 2010 by Twenty-ten
carhill Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Ohhhhh!! I thought you were calling him a tool just because you didn't like Argentinian guys. I noticed people sure like to make general assumptions about entire ethnic groups around here. Thanks for explaining that. I get confused when too many 'him's' and 'her's' are inserted so I try to delineate with descriptors used by the OP. I'll go back and read her posts on Indian guy (a descriptor, not an indictment ) before commenting further. When I read the post on her crush on Indian guy , and related it to this one, I thought she was still with prior guy, obviously incorrectly. Truthfully, I'm not used to moving quickly from relationship to relationship, so sometimes get confused on the timelines. Maybe there's a lesson in that for the OP
Author Awesome Username Posted March 6, 2010 Author Posted March 6, 2010 I get confused when too many 'him's' and 'her's' are inserted so I try to delineate with descriptors used by the OP. I'll go back and read her posts on Indian guy (a descriptor, not an indictment ) before commenting further. When I read the post on her crush on Indian guy , and related it to this one, I thought she was still with prior guy, obviously incorrectly. Truthfully, I'm not used to moving quickly from relationship to relationship, so sometimes get confused on the timelines. Maybe there's a lesson in that for the OP I think I wasn't too clear on my rambly post... It has been the Indian guy the whole time. The Argentinian guy I merely saw and hugged at the bar, and that was it. He didn't even hang out with us after that. All of these posts lately are about Indian guy.
Author Awesome Username Posted March 6, 2010 Author Posted March 6, 2010 Thank you, Twenty-Ten. I'm glad that you are seeing that I'm at least a little successful in my "Standing up for myself" process! I just love being with him...even aside from us being in bars and my issues and everything. He is happy and adorable. He is my height, so we hug well. He is like a cute puppy. He gets SO excited when he sees food! We went to a Chinese food banquet and I've never seen someone so happy in my life. I love the way he holds my hand, and always makes sure I have a cab and stuff. He even liked my gumbo and watched "How I met your Mother" with me, with his cackly squeak-laugh. He is always on the lookout, making sure I have a soda and asking me if he can see my animation stuff (I haven't shown him yet). A lot of guys could give a damn about what I do - they're just in it for the physical..which by he way, he has completely respected my physical boundaries, and with dignity. He really, truly, is a wonderful guy. If I'm really going to distance myself for reals, I'm going to miss him.
threebyfate Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 So, accept proper invitations for dates and don't consider invitations into stranger's [insert -or a crush's] homes. Pretty clear and simple boundaries I would think. Hope it works out This post still stands with the following amendments, no matter who's home it is.
sunshinegirl Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 AU, sweets, it's clear as someone else said that this is not a situation you can handle emotionally. Since you now know that your man-picker has some problems, your best bet would be to walk away from the men that your current picker is picking - ie damaged men unable/unwilling to commit to anything real. I say disengage from this guy entirely because he's never going to provide what you want. He's only showing you more attention now because your push-pull dynamic is now going the other way. (You wanted him and he backed away. So you backed off (yay, a good healthy move!) and now he wants you. I could've seen that a mile away.)
Twenty-ten Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Thank you, Twenty-Ten. I'm glad that you are seeing that I'm at least a little successful in my "Standing up for myself" process! I just love being with him...even aside from us being in bars and my issues and everything. He is happy and adorable. He is my height, so we hug well. He is like a cute puppy. He gets SO excited when he sees food! We went to a Chinese food banquet and I've never seen someone so happy in my life. I love the way he holds my hand, and always makes sure I have a cab and stuff. He even liked my gumbo and watched "How I met your Mother" with me, with his cackly squeak-laugh. He is always on the lookout, making sure I have a soda and asking me if he can see my animation stuff (I haven't shown him yet). A lot of guys could give a damn about what I do - they're just in it for the physical..which by he way, he has completely respected my physical boundaries, and with dignity. He really, truly, is a wonderful guy. If I'm really going to distance myself for reals, I'm going to miss him. Of course you are going to miss him and it will be very hard, nobody said it would be easy (to quote Coldplay...) but what you have with him now is not easy either, and it hurts and messes with your head. So what is the trade off? Sure you described a lot of qualities that he has that make him a good guy to hang out with but if he were truly a wonderful guy then why would he be doing all these lovey things that couples do with their partners, whom they love or care about, and not want a loving committed full relationship with you? Is he a traditional Indian guy? You do know that dating an Indian guy, as a white girl, if he has strict traditional parents, is a big waste of time because the family would never accept you?
soulm8 Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 If he's the man of your dreams, I hope you will continue to see him on your terms (as the new dramafree AU) . Backing off completely will do a few things... - he'll chase you, or - he'll think you hate him, and avoid you, or - he'll think, like so many people on this site, that the 2 of you never would've worked out anyway. Hmmm. Something to chew on. Just my .02, but the 2 of you are NOW starting to *communicate*... play it by ear now and see where your heart leads you.
Twenty-ten Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 (edited) - he'll think you hate him, and avoid you, or - he'll think, like so many people on this site, that the 2 of you never would've worked out anyway. That will never happen, unless he was luke warm about her to begin with and looking for an excuse to let her down easy. If I know men, there is nothing that will hold them back from being with a woman when they really want it. Simple as that. It's no different for women really, what woman do you know that makes excuses not to be exclusive with a man when she really really likes him? None, because we don't do that. We only make excuses when we are luke warm or half interested in people. play it by ear now and see where your heart leads you. And I think that is very dangerous advice to follow, she has been doing that already, following her heart and look at where it has lead her. Edited March 6, 2010 by Twenty-ten
sunshinegirl Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 That will never happen, unless he was luke warm about her to begin with and looking for an excuse to let her down easy. If I know men, there is nothing that will hold them back from being with a woman when they really want it. Simple as that. AGREE!!! Having finally experienced how a man who is truly interested behaves, I can say that I can't believe how long I put up with stupid hot/cold, push/pull behavior from men who were never going to give me what I wanted and needed.
threebyfate Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Hmmm. Something to chew on. Just my .02, but the 2 of you are NOW starting to *communicate*... play it by ear now and see where your heart leads you.How are these two just starting to communicate? He's been clear about what he wants from her from the start, which is benefits with no commitment. He reinforced that last night by wanting her to spend the night, without commitment. If this isn't what she needs, it's time to ditch him, rather than pander to something that's not good for her.
soulm8 Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 His MARRIED FRIENDS corner me and say, "____ REALLY likes you. We know." I tell them that they're probably wrong, when a few minutes later some of his nonmarried friends corner me and tell me the same thing. He came over, and hugged me. I looked at him and told him that I was going home. He's like, "You're not staying over?" kind of shocked. I basically said no, that I'm not the type of girl who will casually sleep in your bed and that I have too many emotions to be a girl like that Then he texted me and I pretty much reiterated my statement. I aint stayin ova if I'm not exclusive with you, kapeesh? We can only go by what AU posts here for us. SHE knows how he treats her and how she feels. IMHO, yes... they ARE on the VERGE of being real with eachother... should he choose to step up to that plate.
threebyfate Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 We can only go by what AU posts here for us. SHE knows how he treats her and how she feels. IMHO, yes... they ARE on the VERGE of being real with eachother... should he choose to step up to that plate.So...what's proven in that excerpt beyond him saying he wants to do her? Liking someone enough to do them, is pretty meaningless.
carhill Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 OP, you might recognize this quote: It's just hard sometimes to think that a beautiful, successful man would settle down with a quirky nerd who works crazy hours and pick a girl like me to stay with. However I don't want to settle. It seems that the most attractive men all have girls after them, so I would have to fight to keep him. It all sounds so exhausting.What would you say is your perspective wrt this dynamic at this point in time? I promise I'll do better in getting the names straight. There's a lot of past threads to wade through. I personally feel that the 'stood up 2' thread I linked to prior is still relevant, now that I realize it's all the same guy. IMO, the key is attracting a *compatible* man. To do that, you have to be clear about what *compatible* means to you, within yourself. If you are the quirky little nerd who stares at hot guys across coffee shops while posting on LS, that's you. Own it.
Twenty-ten Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 We can only go by what AU posts here for us. SHE knows how he treats her and how she feels. IMHO, yes... they ARE on the VERGE of being real with eachother... should he choose to step up to that plate. They are nowhere near that. THAT is very clear. What they are very close to, is having her cross the line to sleep with him. That indeed they are very close to, if she keeps hanging out with him. AU has the will power now but if she doesn't keep her distance one of these nights she will end up in bed with him because clearly he is doing all the "tricks" that make women think they have a guy when in actuality they do not.
threebyfate Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 When a man's words and actions jive, believe him. Non-exclusive boy's words say that he likes you enough to want to sleep with you. His actions also say this, since he's pursuing sex.Non-exclusive boy's words say he's not interested in commitment and his actions match this, since he's not pursuing commitment.
soulm8 Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 AU has the will power now but if she doesn't keep her distance one of these nights she will end up in bed with him because clearly he is doing all the "tricks" that make women think they have a guy when in actuality they do not. That's negative, pessimistic and insecure as well. WE are responsible for our OWN actions and choices. Men do not TRICK women into their bed. It takes 2 to tango.
shadowplay Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 A_U, why are you still seeing this guy at all? First off you know that the main attraction to him is that he's not that into you. Based on your description it doesn't sound like he's remarkable in any way. So you don't have to worry that you're missing out if you let him go. Then there's the fact that he can't give you what you need -- commitment and appreciation. You've been here before with other guys. Did it make you happy and satisfied in the past to be treated like this? So what makes you think it will make you happy now or ever? You have to cut the cord completely. Right now you're still half in, which is almost worse then being fully in, because it leaves with you with a sense of uncertainty and unease. I know it's hard. I stayed with a wishy washy boyfriend for 2.5 years who made me miserable. Once you've entirely let go some time passes and then you have a moment where it dawns on you, "wow, I haven't felt sh$tty in a long time." Just stop seeing this guy. Now.
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