Awesome Username Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 (edited) So long story short, I just found out that I'm a commitmophobe and can only like guys who don't like me back. In fact, I realized that I search it out before I get into a relationship. I've been seeing this guy for about 2 months now and he doesn't want anything serious, but still acts like he likes me, yadda. I have established that we're not exclusive anymore. So last night I went to a bar to meet him and his friends. He bought shots and got we went bar hopping. His MARRIED FRIENDS corner me and say, "____ REALLY likes you. We know." I tell them that they're probably wrong, when a few minutes later some of his nonmarried friends corner me and tell me the same thing. I saw an old guy I worked with, who is from Argentina and hotter than lava in a skillet and he hugged and kissed me (again, he's from Argentina) visibly troubling my crush. Then he comes over to me and hangs out, puts his arm around me, we share a crepe, he holds my hand in front of all of his old friends, who basically tell me that he's lucky to have me (guess they didn't get the memo that we're not exclusive)... So then we end up going to his condo complex which basically consists of a bunch of highrise buildings, one of which has a pool table. I was thinking about how dumb it was that I was at his house so late, and that I was even at his house at all. My mind reeled. I usually rock ass at pool, but I sucked. I cut out of the game, and sat in a corner where two other friends fell asleep. He came over, and hugged me. I looked at him and told him that I was going home. He's like, "You're not staying over?" kind of shocked. I basically said no, that I'm not the type of girl who will casually sleep in your bed and that I have too many emotions to be a girl like that and fled the building PRINCESS STYLE ...because I didn't want him to see me cry. The doorman did though. Then he texted me and I pretty much reiterated my statement. I aint stayin ova if I'm not exclusive with you, kapeesh? Now this morning, he is on my mind big time. One thing's for sure - I certainly stood up for myself. Thoughts? Edited March 6, 2010 by Awesome Username
marsle85 Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Hmm. I actually like that you didn't stay over. I feel the same way- but may be for another reason. I am not staying over until i'm exclusive because: if you want me to do gf things. Make me your gf. You'reeee not staying over because: You want me to do gf things: I don't want to be your gf. Is that right?
soulm8 Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Sweetheart... I've been following your thoughts and here's my take on it all. *hug* You did stand up for yourself - awesome! Next time, it doesn't need to be so dramatic though. Calmly, self confidently... and coyly... stand up for yourself and you'll be surprised how much the man you're interested in will sit up and pay attention. Get it? You're in Game phase... play it... play it well and he'll be your's if you still want him. Don't be so hard on yourself hon. You discovered some interesting perspectives on who you are but that doesn't mean you are a committment phobe, flawed somehow... no way! You just haven't had the courage to stand up for yourself in an attractive way in the past... that encouraged the guy to want to keep you.
marsle85 Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Sweetheart... I've been following your thoughts and here's my take on it all. *hug* You did stand up for yourself - awesome! Next time, it doesn't need to be so dramatic though. Calmly, self confidently... and coyly... stand up for yourself and you'll be surprised how much the man you're interested in will sit up and pay attention. Get it? You're in Game phase... play it... play it well and he'll be your's if you still want him. Don't be so hard on yourself hon. You discovered some interesting perspectives on who you are but that doesn't mean you are a committment phobe, flawed somehow... no way! You just haven't had the courage to stand up for yourself in an attractive way in the past... that encouraged the guy to want to keep you. Soulm8, I love everything that comes out of your mouth.
soulm8 Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Thank you! I do love to help where I can. I just wanted to add, I was exactly where both of you are. Especially AU... similar childhood, even rape, etc. After going through a divorce and jumping back into the dating pool a few years ago... I almost thought my exhusband wasn't such a bad catch after all - compared to the men I was meeting. It wasn't the men... it was ME. If we clicked/connected and I wanted to get physical... I wanted to be in a relationship. Drama!!! Take your time sweet pea... you won't regret anything when you're TRUE to YOURSELF.
threebyfate Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 The game of tennis comes to mind. You're trying to trigger, non-exclusive boy's fear of loss, through jealousy. The second half of your post, has really nothing to do with the first part, beyond extracting yourself from a situation of your own making, by going home with this other guy. Mixed signals and games, girlfriend. Game, set, match rarely creates a healthy dynamic for a viable relationship.
Author Awesome Username Posted March 6, 2010 Author Posted March 6, 2010 Thank you guys for your wonderful replies. Literally, this is the reason why I'm learning. Without the input you give/have given me, my bullsh*t-o-meter is broken. For all I know, I could be sabotaging something special and the way I put it on here or see it myself might be inherently flawed as well. It took EVERYTHING in me to leave last night. I would love to be holding his hand and eating breakfast at a cool noodle place while he tells me about his week, but me setting boundaries for myself is more important now...even if they are small at first.
soulm8 Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 There's absolutely nothing wrong with calmy telling a man that you're a sensitive woman... and sharing your feelings... that tells him that you're NOT playing games. It tells him... this is a REAL girl.
ADF Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Thoughts? That dating you would be an utter nightmare of uncertainty and confusion. But, if you find willing partners, go ahead. Just make sure you read them the warning label.
Author Awesome Username Posted March 6, 2010 Author Posted March 6, 2010 (edited) The game of tennis comes to mind. You're trying to trigger, non-exclusive boy's fear of loss, through jealousy. The second half of your post, has really nothing to do with the first part, beyond extracting yourself from a situation of your own making, by going home with this other guy. Mixed signals and games, girlfriend. Game, set, match rarely creates a healthy dynamic for a viable relationship. I didn't go home with another guy - I went home with myself. Also with the Argentina dude, I honest to God didn't see him until he hugged and kissed me on the cheek. I'm not saying I didn't do a little mental high-five in my head to myself, but I didn't bring that on. Also, the princess exit really wasn't dramatic...until he didn't see me at all. I simply couldn't stand there and keep my cool anymore while my emotions were getting the better of me. None of his friends saw any sort of drama whatsoever. I COULD be bringing on the heartbreak by asking him to be exclusive, then compromising with exclusivity and no benefits, and now asking for something casual but still having feelings for him though. Also, it's entirely possible that I'm agreeing to meet him under sub-ladylike times and situations like bars at 11:00 even if he DOES work that late, perpetuating an environment where his feelings cannot grow for me. A lot of this stuff is my fault, in a sick way. You can only be treated as casually as you let people treat you. It's like I'm torturing myself which trust me, I do not like. Thank you Soulm8, you seem like a wise person and I would love to be like that (sooner rather than later, please!) Edited March 6, 2010 by Awesome Username
soulm8 Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 It took EVERYTHING in me to leave last night. I would love to be holding his hand and eating breakfast at a cool noodle place while he tells me about his week, but me setting boundaries for myself is more important now...even if they are small at first. I was right there... about 3 weeks ago. My guy's now eating out of the palm of my hand and is my boyfriend... talking bout marriage again, etc. Show him who you are... he'll want you... if not, his LOSS.
Hot Carl Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 dating you would be an utter nightmare of uncertainty and confusion. I think that's a lot of overstatement. The uncertainty comes from the type of relationship the guy wants. AU is not responding well to that. If the guy gave clearer signals, AU would probably handle it better. But it's not as if dating most women isn't an "utter nightmare of uncertainty and confusion." In that sense there isn't anything unique about AU.
Author Awesome Username Posted March 6, 2010 Author Posted March 6, 2010 Thoughts? That dating you would be an utter nightmare of uncertainty and confusion. But, if you find willing partners, go ahead. Just make sure you read them the warning label. I wish I could disagree with you, ADF. I'm going to try to beat this habit though.
threebyfate Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 AU, why did you go to this other guy's...errr...complex? In doing so, it's saying you're prepared to spend the night, which is why he was so shocked that you didn't.
carhill Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 So, accept proper invitations for dates and don't consider invitations into stranger's homes. Pretty clear and simple boundaries I would think. Hope it works out
marsle85 Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Oh please girl. First and foremost, I hope you don't listen to what everyone posts on LS. Because as amazing as it is to find posts like Soulm8's, 90% of the remaining posts don't reflect hers at all. In actuality, if you look at yourself and understand how confused you are- realize that his site is composed of how many other members just as confused/more confused than you are. It's easier to look objectively at another person's case their own. I'm included in this catch-22. I think the guys in this thread are traslating your honest confusion to game playing. To be honest, I think games exist a lot less than we believe anyway... when we have two people from two hugely different backgrounds and lifestyles, there are bound to be miscommunications and thought-processes. When we don't act or behave like our sig. other would like, instantly we must be "playing a game." As for your case, I think you do like him. It may be a little early to tell, but you're scared of getting hurt. Lucky for you, this has put you in the perfect spot. You appear self-confident, driven and independent. He may not like that you didn't stay, sure. But he knows who you are and he knows you can step up for yourself. But. Don't drive him away. Be sweet and caring and honest. But he has to know there's a line in the sand with exclusitivity's name written all over it.
Author Awesome Username Posted March 6, 2010 Author Posted March 6, 2010 AU, why did you go to this other guy's...errr...complex? In doing so, it's saying you're prepared to spend the night, which is why he was so shocked that you didn't. We ALL went to play pool at his complex. I thought that me going over there wouldn't be a for-sure as far as spending the night goes. Now that you mention it though, it was probably expected. I also almost did it. The thought of you going "WTF" if I did was part of the reason I found it in me to go home. I'm like, "If TBF knew I was here she would think I'm an idiot...I'm out of here!"
soulm8 Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 AU... there's nothing wrong with hanging out at his place or your's, together. There's nothing wrong with being loving towards him. His (shocked) reaction was just that... a reaction to OH... I cab't control her any more. I'm losing her. Don't think of it as playing a game. That's not what it is any way. All it is... (from now on) is you standing your ground for what you want... for how you want to be treated... without drama.
threebyfate Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 We ALL went to play pool at his complex. I thought that me going over there wouldn't be a for-sure as far as spending the night goes. Now that you mention it though, it was probably expected. I also almost did it. The thought of you going "WTF" if I did was part of the reason I found it in me to go home. I'm like, "If TBF knew I was here she would think I'm an idiot...I'm out of here!" If my scolding helps you reinforce personal boundaries, then I'm glad! But take a look at carhill's succinctly stated post. It's honestly that simple.
Author Awesome Username Posted March 6, 2010 Author Posted March 6, 2010 ...accept proper invitations for dates and don't consider invitations into stranger's homes. Pretty clear and simple boundaries I would think. Printing this out and tacking it on my wall above my bed. Not even joking.
soulm8 Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 All I'm trying to say is... be yourself. How is he supposed to want to continue getting to know you if suddenly he has to "date" you to spend any time with you? Know what I mean? If you enjoy each other's company and you can stay true to yourself... there's nothing wrong with him enjoying your company.
carhill Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Here's an example of what drove my advice, wrt 'proper' dates. OP, anything come of that crush on the Indian guy?
Johnny M Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Thoughts? You are crazy, emotionally unstable and thrive on drama. Those are the only thoughts I had after reading this thread.
Twenty-ten Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 If the guy gave clearer signals, AU would probably handle it better. I disagree. Just a few days ago she had the discussion with the guy and they came to the conclusion that they were better off not exclusive and good to go in terms of dating other people. She said she was relieved and in fact happy to be hanging out with him no strings attached: Looks like things can stay exactly the same, but pretty much I'm free to see other people if I so desire. Now that he knows that we're not exclusive, there is nothing that he can say/get angry about if I happened to find another guy who wants a relationship. I am so relieved that things are cool between us, he is still interested, and things are concrete and defined now. Also, I could potentially get to know him better without the resentment that I'm not getting what I'm putting in. WIN! Not to sound pricky, I kinda feel like I can have my cake and eat it too! Thanks for your advice LSSo if she is going to put herself in situations, she full well knows that she cannot handle let's face it she has a crush on this guy and deep down this "no strings attached" deal isn't what she truly wants, then you cannot blame the guy for misleading her. He told her flat out he did not want commitment since he was "too busy with work" after she decided to let him know they will no longer be exclusive. So really she is misleading herself into thinking there is a chance with this guy and hanging out with him is harmless and fun, or a "Win" situation as she put it. Clearly it's not if the night ends with her crying as she exits his place. Good for you for not sleeping with him AU but seriously you are doing yourself in emotionally still by putting yourself in these situations of kidding yourself you can just "hang out" and no harm done. From his perspective he is going to think you are nuts if you keep this up, he thinks you are fine with this new scenario then you show you really are not. That's not how you have a guy eating out of your hand, I can assure you of that. I strongly recommend you stay away from him, for a while at least, that would be best for you.
Author Awesome Username Posted March 6, 2010 Author Posted March 6, 2010 Here's an example of what drove my advice, wrt 'proper' dates. OP, anything come of that crush on the Indian guy? This is the Indian guy. This is all the Indian guy.
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