newbie needs some serious advive

[jajaime]

I need some advice, I have been in a relationship with the same man for 15-16 years. We are high school sweathearts and have had many ups and downs. I love him to my own detriminte most of the time. There is nothing I wouldn't do and haven't done for him. We have 2 children and just got married Feb 5th of this year. However he is an agressive drinker and it has gotten progressively worse through-out the past few years. I have tried to be supportive and he acutally quit drinking for about 8 months and it was the best time we have had our entire relationship. Lately he has been bringing up the past and wanting to know about things that happend while we were broken up, which the last time we split was over 9 years ago. One thing inperticular as been a hard thing for him to handle and he keeps throwing it in my face. I have never cheated nor would I. What happened occured when we were split. But now he says he can't trust me, I'm tainted and all that was special about me is gone. He also says he has no respect for me and wants an annulment of marriage. He wants to start over because I have lied to him. He becomes very agressive and I often am afraid. Even though he has many things in his own past that he kept from me for years I am the bad guy here. The next day he often doesn't remember the argument and acts as if all is well in the world. Last night I feel was the final straw, he says such terrible things and makes me feel so bad about myself I have often wanted to run away from everything and never come back. He likes to remind me of my inability to financially support my children on my own and the fact that I have no useful skills. I feel broken mentally, I hurt more than I can put into words. But I love the person inside, it's the what I like to call "the gin jerk" that I hate. I know he has a problem with alcohol and I realize ultimatums do not work. I have tried them all. I keep thinking back to the 8 months we had that were so great. I just want that person back. Am I holding on to something that want to be held onto? And my real question is I have often thought that when some one drinks it often brings out the hidden truth. Is this the case? He says no the next day and it's always that he doesn't mean it and he was just trying to hurt me. Why would he want to do that? I would never want to hurt him like that. I feel empty and need some real help.

thanks

[CarrieT]

The first and most important thing YOU can do is join Al-Anon.

 

You need to understand that what is happening is not your fault and learn that many of his behaviours are alcohol-induced. At Al-Anon, you will get the support and learn the skills to living with an alcoholic. I was in a very similar situation with an Ex and with my Mother.

 

Al-Anon is not only for the alcoholic, but also for those whose lives are affected by someone else's drinking and in order to help them, you have to help yourself and your children first; THAT is tantamount. Take care of yourself before you can take care of the relationship.