lizamcfc Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 [FONT=Times New Roman]I had to write this, to get my thoughts straight and to stop myself and my friends going crazy. See, even though its been 5 months I still talk about you as if I saw you only yesterday. And I know that’s not healthy, but things just ended so suddenly between us that I’m really struggling to let go. You know I still cry most days? 4-5 days a week I cry myself to sleep, wondering what you’re doing and whether you’re with someone else. And the most frustrating thing is no-one understands. No-one can understand why I’m still pining for a man like you. A man that could just so casually cut me out of his life and leave me so broken without ever looking back. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]I know why they don’t understand. They didn’t spend the time that I did with you. They don’t know you. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again – you are the most amazing person I’ve ever known. From our very first date I knew that there was something special between us – we couldn’t stop talking to each other, remember, we sent that waitress away in the restaurant three times? I knew then and there I definitely wanted to see you again. To be honest I was blown away by you from that first date. Then after that, the walk around town, you noticing my cherry earrings – I still remember every detail of the conversations. I was totally swept off my feet – and you hadn’t even done any big grand gesture. Things were just… right. And for the first time in a long long time I felt I could truly be me with someone.[/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman] I’d been with my ex for so long, someone who ridiculed me at most opportunities and derided me for just being me. It was so refreshing to be with someone that could laugh off my lack of road sense instead of calling me a “stupid bitch” as I was used to. I was so offended when both my parents suggested to me that maybe the reason I had grown so attached to you was because I’d been in such a horrible relationship for so long that being with someone who actually treated me with care and respect just completely overwhelmed me. And I still don’t believe that. You were, and are a very special person. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]I was the happiest I’d ever been when I met you, and without you I’m just broken. I know a man shouldn’t be the only thing that makes you happy, and I should be content on my own. I am a lot better than I was. I’m dealing with day to day life now. But as soon as I’m left to my own thoughts all I can think about is you. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]I don’t want to paint this really positive picture of the relationship and you though. Yes, I fell so deep in love that I couldn’t see a way out and there was obviously a reason for that. But there were awful horrible low times too, that made me feel horrible. You would say casual comments sometimes – that’s the worst part. That they were so casual – I really don’t believe you had any intention of hurting me. But you did. One day you asked me whether I’d ever been so into someone that they’d swept me off my feet completely and I couldn’t even look at another man. I said yes (meaning you) and asked you the same. You answered with your ex’s name and said there’d been no-one since, and you doubted there ever would. I felt like you’d slapped me in the face. What was I then? And I think the reason why I’m going through so much pain now is because I hate myself for not questioning you there and then. I was a coward – I was too scared that you’d tell me that you really didn’t like me as much as I liked you and we’d be over. So I was willing to settle for that, hoping against hope that something would change. That you would fall for me like I’d fallen for you.[/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]There were times I believed you had. You once told me you’d never felt how you felt about me about anyone else. After the first breakup we had in the Summer, I left you alone and you came back to me, after previously saying that if you break up with someone you cut all contact. You said you wanted to be more than friends with me after all – again, here I should have questioned you. Asked you what exactly that meant. But as I’ve already said, I was a coward. I couldn’t ask you whether that meant we were going to be together properly, and I know ‘more than friends’ means very little. And I hate myself for being so gutless. I should have had the strength to accept that I may hear an answer I didn’t want to hear, and maybe I’d have spared myself all this pain. There was one occasion around the first breakup where I asked you if you’d gone off me, and you told me not to be silly and that you were ‘mad crazy’ about me. I think my problem was jumping on these small things that confirmed what I wanted to hear, and making them bigger than they were, and the things that hurt, you telling me you didn’t think you’d ever love like you’d loved your ex, these things I made them smaller in significance. They didn’t matter – it didn’t matter that you said you wouldn’t love like you loved her because you said you hadn’t ever felt how you felt about me about anyone else and after all, you were crazy about me! And when we broke up, you came back to me, asking to see me, after admitting you never do that. So what we had was special after all, I hadn’t been wrong![/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]But I was wrong. I was very very wrong. I once checked your computer whilst you were out playing football. Not because I didn’t trust you, it was to see if you’d talked about me with friends, and what you’d said. I wasn’t looking for evidence of you with another woman. But what I found shocked me more than you cheating would. A document you’d written detailing your past relationships. And the worst part, (although I tried to hide from it at the time) was the stuff you wrote on Amy. You’d previously told me about her, about how you felt she’d manipulated you into being in a relationship with her, and you resented her for that. I always wondered what you meant. But on this document you’d written ‘Tell Amy about my feelings for her throughout our relationship (or rather lack of)’ and it had been ticked off. I was too scared to face up to what this meant, but telling my best friend I realised that normal people outside of this situation saw it for what it was. He asked me how I could be with you, reading that. Knowing you’d spent a relationship with a woman who you had no feelings for. He pointed out (correctly) that if you’d pretended with someone else, how did I know that you weren’t pretending with me? Again, I could have asked you about it, but I was too terrified. So again, I let it go. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]Leaving for university scared me so much. I worried that moving away would weaken our relationship and it would end. I remember how relieved I felt when you told me nothing would change, we’d still see each other as often as we had done when we both lived in the same city. And I thought you were going to be true to your word – I’d only been there 10 days when you came to visit. We had a wonderful time – everyone said what a great couple we’d made and I was so happy. It felt so great to finally feel like you were real (in 6 months you’d never met my friends or family, not sure whether that was purposely or not). You left and I felt the most positive I had in ages about our relationship. You see, after the breakup in the Summer I had always worried slightly, always not quite trusted you, worried you would pull the rug from under me again. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]The last time we saw each other, we had a terrible argument. I was drunk and it started off over the most ridiculous thing. But it escalated into being based on very real resentments. I mentioned how my friends and family thought I was crazy for being with you. You gave me so little, from where they stood. They just couldn’t understand why I was so in love with you. Then as soon as that argument was solved and calmed down, I came across a new pink toothbrush in the bathroom. I’m ashamed of how I behaved that night – I screamed and shouted, ranted and raved at you without much evidence. You were right in the days afterwards – I should have calmly asked you about the toothbrush instead of outright accusing you of having another woman in the flat. But I was so emotionally worked up and the alcohol didn’t help – I guess I just wasn’t thinking clearly. You said you were offended that I had even suggested that another woman would have been there. As if I should have known. You said you didn’t want anybody else. But my friends had been telling me for a long time that I should make sure we were exclusive, as we’d never sat down and agreed to it. When I saw that toothbrush I kinda thought it was my own fault if you had been seeing someone else. It was my own fault because I’d never tried to set boundaries and rules.[/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]So after that argument, a few days later you texted me (of all ways to end it!) saying you no longer had feelings for me. The argument had killed all feelings for me – because I had been ‘just so out of order.’ I feel now that you never felt anything for me, other than sexual attraction. Because now you won’t even be friends with me. I know you said you cut people out when you break up… But we made a promise we would always be friends. Right at the start. I’m not saying I could cope with being friends… I don’t think I could. But just the thought of my life stretching out in front of me without ever seeing you again feels like a punch in the heart. I can’t do it. I miss you every day. All those things you said to me, about how you didn’t feel anything for me, you never had, and why would you want to be friends with me, because we have nothing in common. God that hurt me like nothing ever has hurt before, I actually felt pain in my heart. And when you said you didn’t want to ever hear from me again. I just don’t understand what I did to make you hate me so much. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]Maybe its nothing I did. Maybe its as you often said, your own problems. Maybe your mental illness makes you like this, I don’t know. It would make slightly more sense. Once watching one of our favourite films, Closer, in that scene with Natalie Portman says to Jude Law, “I love you, why won’t you let me?” you asked me whether anyone had ever said that to me. I said no, and asked you the same thing. You told me your last ex had said it to you which puzzled me. As far as I knew you guys had a wonderful relationship, you were ‘head over heels’ to quote you. So why would she have said that to you? The only explanation I could come up with was that you were similar with her as you were with me. Hot and cold. And that you’d made that relationship sound better than it actually was to me. By the end I got so confused with what was the truth and what was lies with you I just don’t know. I caught you out in a couple of lies – I don’t even think you had sinister motives. Like I said I trusted you. I just think you had some kind of compulsive lying behaviour. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]The night we sat up til some ridiculous hour and you admitted to me for the first time that you had mental health problems was such a turning point, I’d felt. You were completely opening up to me and being truly honest for the first time. But it hurt me so much to hear you say you think about suicide daily but ‘that’s normal, right?’ You told me you’d never talked to anyone as openly as you were talking to me, you couldn’t talk to anyone how you could talk to me… and again this confirmed my hopes that you saw that this was as special as I did. I felt like we were so connected at this point… I’d never been that drawn to another person before. And I can’t see myself ever becoming connected like that again.[/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]I feel damaged. I feel like maybe I imagined all of the good things about us, or at least over-emphasized them. But then I think back to other occasions, that night where we were so open with each other, and I wonder… Have you forgotten you said all that to me? Have you forgotten the other times? The times you said how wonderful I was, that you’d never felt how you did about me about anyone else? I just don’t know. This goes round and round in my head constantly. But I do know that I’m having trust issues with men already. I’ve tried to date other guys and all I can think about is whether they’re being genuine or not… And whether they’re just using me, because they’re lonely… But most of all, I just don’t want anyone else. I want you. I don’t want to want you… I know there’s a very slim chance now that you’ll ever come back to me… It’s been 5 months, we were only together for 6 months… I need to move on. But I just don’t know how. [/FONT]
CarrieT Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 I'm sorry to say that you aren't going to get many responses because you were trying to change the font and instead it is a solid block of words with no paragraph breaks. It is too confusing to try and read and you might want to re-post it.
Author lizamcfc Posted March 6, 2010 Author Posted March 6, 2010 Sorry, I wasn't trying to change the font. I just copied and pasted directly from a word document. Maybe that was the problem. Here it is again... I had to write this, to get my thoughts straight and to stop myself and my friends going crazy. See, even though its been 5 months I still talk about you as if I saw you only yesterday. And I know that’s not healthy, but things just ended so suddenly between us that I’m really struggling to let go. You know I still cry most days? 4-5 days a week I cry myself to sleep, wondering what you’re doing and whether you’re with someone else. And the most frustrating thing is no-one understands. No-one can understand why I’m still pining for a man like you. A man that could just so casually cut me out of his life and leave me so broken without ever looking back. I know why they don’t understand. They didn’t spend the time that I did with you. They don’t know you. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again – you are the most amazing person I’ve ever known. From our very first date I knew that there was something special between us – we couldn’t stop talking to each other, remember, we sent that waitress away in the restaurant three times? I knew then and there I definitely wanted to see you again. To be honest I was blown away by you from that first date. Then after that, the walk around town, you noticing my cherry earrings – I still remember every detail of the conversations. I was totally swept off my feet – and you hadn’t even done any big grand gesture. Things were just… right. And for the first time in a long long time I felt I could truly be me with someone. I’d been with my ex for so long, someone who ridiculed me at most opportunities and derided me for just being me. It was so refreshing to be with someone that could laugh off my lack of road sense instead of calling me a “stupid bitch” as I was used to. I was so offended when both my parents suggested to me that maybe the reason I had grown so attached to you was because I’d been in such a horrible relationship for so long that being with someone who actually treated me with care and respect just completely overwhelmed me. And I still don’t believe that. You were, and are a very special person. I was the happiest I’d ever been when I met you, and without you I’m just broken. I know a man shouldn’t be the only thing that makes you happy, and I should be content on my own. I am a lot better than I was. I’m dealing with day to day life now. But as soon as I’m left to my own thoughts all I can think about is you. I don’t want to paint this really positive picture of the relationship and you though. Yes, I fell so deep in love that I couldn’t see a way out and there was obviously a reason for that. But there were awful horrible low times too, that made me feel horrible. You would say casual comments sometimes – that’s the worst part. That they were so casual – I really don’t believe you had any intention of hurting me. But you did. One day you asked me whether I’d ever been so into someone that they’d swept me off my feet completely and I couldn’t even look at another man. I said yes (meaning you) and asked you the same. You answered with your ex’s name and said there’d been no-one since, and you doubted there ever would. I felt like you’d slapped me in the face. What was I then? And I think the reason why I’m going through so much pain now is because I hate myself for not questioning you there and then. I was a coward – I was too scared that you’d tell me that you really didn’t like me as much as I liked you and we’d be over. So I was willing to settle for that, hoping against hope that something would change. That you would fall for me like I’d fallen for you There were times I believed you had. You once told me you’d never felt how you felt about me about anyone else. After the first breakup we had in the Summer, I left you alone and you came back to me, after previously saying that if you break up with someone you cut all contact. You said you wanted to be more than friends with me after all – again, here I should have questioned you. Asked you what exactly that meant. But as I’ve already said, I was a coward. I couldn’t ask you whether that meant we were going to be together properly, and I know ‘more than friends’ means very little. And I hate myself for being so gutless. I should have had the strength to accept that I may hear an answer I didn’t want to hear, and maybe I’d have spared myself all this pain. There was one occasion around the first breakup where I asked you if you’d gone off me, and you told me not to be silly and that you were ‘mad crazy’ about me. I think my problem was jumping on these small things that confirmed what I wanted to hear, and making them bigger than they were, and the things that hurt, you telling me you didn’t think you’d ever love like you’d loved your ex, these things I made them smaller in significance. They didn’t matter – it didn’t matter that you said you wouldn’t love like you loved her because you said you hadn’t ever felt how you felt about me about anyone else and after all, you were crazy about me! And when we broke up, you came back to me, asking to see me, after admitting you never do that. So what we had was special after all, I hadn’t been wrong![/FONT] But I was wrong. I was very very wrong. I once checked your computer whilst you were out playing football. Not because I didn’t trust you, it was to see if you’d talked about me with friends, and what you’d said. I wasn’t looking for evidence of you with another woman. But what I found shocked me more than you cheating would. A document you’d written detailing your past relationships. And the worst part, (although I tried to hide from it at the time) was the stuff you wrote on Amy. You’d previously told me about her, about how you felt she’d manipulated you into being in a relationship with her, and you resented her for that. I always wondered what you meant. But on this document you’d written ‘Tell Amy about my feelings for her throughout our relationship (or rather lack of)’ and it had been ticked off. I was too scared to face up to what this meant, but telling my best friend I realised that normal people outside of this situation saw it for what it was. He asked me how I could be with you, reading that. Knowing you’d spent a relationship with a woman who you had no feelings for. He pointed out (correctly) that if you’d pretended with someone else, how did I know that you weren’t pretending with me? Again, I could have asked you about it, but I was too terrified. So again, I let it go. Leaving for university scared me so much. I worried that moving away would weaken our relationship and it would end. I remember how relieved I felt when you told me nothing would change, we’d still see each other as often as we had done when we both lived in the same city. And I thought you were going to be true to your word – I’d only been there 10 days when you came to visit. We had a wonderful time – everyone said what a great couple we’d made and I was so happy. It felt so great to finally feel like you were real (in 6 months you’d never met my friends or family, not sure whether that was purposely or not). You left and I felt the most positive I had in ages about our relationship. You see, after the breakup in the Summer I had always worried slightly, always not quite trusted you, worried you would pull the rug from under me again. The last time we saw each other, we had a terrible argument. I was drunk and it started off over the most ridiculous thing. But it escalated into being based on very real resentments. I mentioned how my friends and family thought I was crazy for being with you. You gave me so little, from where they stood. They just couldn’t understand why I was so in love with you. Then as soon as that argument was solved and calmed down, I came across a new pink toothbrush in the bathroom. I’m ashamed of how I behaved that night – I screamed and shouted, ranted and raved at you without much evidence. You were right in the days afterwards – I should have calmly asked you about the toothbrush instead of outright accusing you of having another woman in the flat. But I was so emotionally worked up and the alcohol didn’t help – I guess I just wasn’t thinking clearly. You said you were offended that I had even suggested that another woman would have been there. As if I should have known. You said you didn’t want anybody else. But my friends had been telling me for a long time that I should make sure we were exclusive, as we’d never sat down and agreed to it. When I saw that toothbrush I kinda thought it was my own fault if you had been seeing someone else. It was my own fault because I’d never tried to set boundaries and rules. So after that argument, a few days later you texted me (of all ways to end it!) saying you no longer had feelings for me. The argument had killed all feelings for me – because I had been ‘just so out of order.’ I feel now that you never felt anything for me, other than sexual attraction. Because now you won’t even be friends with me. I know you said you cut people out when you break up… But we made a promise we would always be friends. Right at the start. I’m not saying I could cope with being friends… I don’t think I could. But just the thought of my life stretching out in front of me without ever seeing you again feels like a punch in the heart. I can’t do it. I miss you every day. All those things you said to me, about how you didn’t feel anything for me, you never had, and why would you want to be friends with me, because we have nothing in common. God that hurt me like nothing ever has hurt before, I actually felt pain in my heart. And when you said you didn’t want to ever hear from me again. I just don’t understand what I did to make you hate me so much. Maybe its nothing I did. Maybe its as you often said, your own problems. Maybe your mental illness makes you like this, I don’t know. It would make slightly more sense. Once watching one of our favourite films, Closer, in that scene with Natalie Portman says to Jude Law, “I love you, why won’t you let me?” you asked me whether anyone had ever said that to me. I said no, and asked you the same thing. You told me your last ex had said it to you which puzzled me. As far as I knew you guys had a wonderful relationship, you were ‘head over heels’ to quote you. So why would she have said that to you? The only explanation I could come up with was that you were similar with her as you were with me. Hot and cold. And that you’d made that relationship sound better than it actually was to me. By the end I got so confused with what was the truth and what was lies with you I just don’t know. I caught you out in a couple of lies – I don’t even think you had sinister motives. Like I said I trusted you. I just think you had some kind of compulsive lying behaviour. The night we sat up til some ridiculous hour and you admitted to me for the first time that you had mental health problems was such a turning point, I’d felt. You were completely opening up to me and being truly honest for the first time. But it hurt me so much to hear you say you think about suicide daily but ‘that’s normal, right?’ You told me you’d never talked to anyone as openly as you were talking to me, you couldn’t talk to anyone how you could talk to me… and again this confirmed my hopes that you saw that this was as special as I did. I felt like we were so connected at this point… I’d never been that drawn to another person before. And I can’t see myself ever becoming connected like that again. I feel damaged. I feel like maybe I imagined all of the good things about us, or at least over-emphasized them. But then I think back to other occasions, that night where we were so open with each other, and I wonder… Have you forgotten you said all that to me? Have you forgotten the other times? The times you said how wonderful I was, that you’d never felt how you did about me about anyone else? I just don’t know. This goes round and round in my head constantly. But I do know that I’m having trust issues with men already. I’ve tried to date other guys and all I can think about is whether they’re being genuine or not… And whether they’re just using me, because they’re lonely… But most of all, I just don’t want anyone else. I want you. I don’t want to want you… I know there’s a very slim chance now that you’ll ever come back to me… It’s been 5 months, we were only together for 6 months… I need to move on. But I just don’t know how.
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