buran Posted January 9, 2004 Posted January 9, 2004 Dear friends, It's been 8 months but she I still don't have my belongings. After the last post, I've managed to get dates with her, we've shared many positive experiences without commitment and I nearly got her back in mid-summer, but some stupid mistakes made these positive experiences absolote. We were still seeing each other, sometimes hand-in-hand, sometimes just "friendly". Now she's with some else since 2-3 months. She says that she's not serious, does not want to lose me forever, saw his big mistakes and will break-up when it bocems boring. But she doesn't want me to call her because of her new boyfriend. It became obvious she was dating both of us for weeks. I told her multiple times that if I can't call her in mid-week when she's in school, she should give me my belongings. She did not give them to me. She knows that if I take them back, I will never call her and she will lose me forever even the ground will split. She told me to wait for her to call. Yesterday I invited her to the Chinese rest. and to bring the belongings via SMS. She later called me and declined in a rude way and told me that they had a fight with him because of this message. He did not know that she saw me. I again told her to give me my belongings and its over, she aggred. But I know, she still will not give them to me this weekend. She's playing games with me. She's not sure with her new rel. and does not want to lose me forever. But she disrespects me and declines to spend time with in the last 20 days. What should I do? Why is she playing such game with me? My friends tell me to forget her and leave belongings. She says she does not love me,but we have still a bond. What's this? She told me that I made the mistake of pushing her all the time, "raising her to the queen" and pushed her to someone else. Oh my god, help me....
Arabess Posted January 9, 2004 Posted January 9, 2004 buran, Belongings is just 'stuff'. If she feels she has a 'tie to you' because she wishes to keep them....let her keep them. Don't call, don't mention it and see what her response is. It sounds like she is stringing you along in order to see if this new relationship will work out for her. I wouldn't play the game....I'd let her play it by herself while she smuggly wallows in your possessions. LOL!
Errol Posted January 9, 2004 Posted January 9, 2004 You didn't push her -- the decision to see someone else is hers entirely. Call the other guy and tell him you want your stuff then go and get it. If the stuff isn't that important to you, call her tell her she can keep your stuff and that it is over between you two and you want no further contact. Stand up for yourself and stop letting yourself be used and treated this way. No one is worth tolerating that kind of treatment.
Author buran Posted January 9, 2004 Author Posted January 9, 2004 She keeps my credit card, childhood photos, love letters etc. The truth is: I don't know what I want. I am so lonely since she left and I am still attracted to her. And we had 2 years together like a dream. She never experienced my absence but 15 days. If I somehow get all my belongings then I will and have to stick to my word and never call her, see her whatever happens. I could not stand my ground for so many things, and she grew stronger all the time and hence lost interest in me. But I think she knows that she cannot find someone like me who is loving, sincere, educated, open-minded and ready to please her. I wonder whether waiting for a long time without initiating any contact would raise her interest again and miss me? She knows that I am here when she wants to come back, but the other guy is not. She holds all the cards. Should I call her mother and get them or send her letters? I had ordered "How to Get Your Lover Back" book by Blase Harris, read it multiple times and he says that every positive contact would bring her one closer back to me. That's why I used these belongings as a threat to get dates or contact. Off, I don't know. I want to decide. Please persudae me pleaseeee....
Arabess Posted January 9, 2004 Posted January 9, 2004 Well then....it sounds like BOTH of you are using 'these possessions' in order to have an excuse to continued contact. The truth is....possessions is not the foundation of a relationship.....nor can love build upon it. It is only an 'excuse' or some sort of bargaining chip. Truthfully, either someone really loves you or they don't. You can't WIN them back. Hearts are not for sale. They have minds of their own and won't be swayed by a few possessions. If you want to continue persuing her.....you are doing so at great risk to your own heart. Even if you get her back while she is between dating other guys....what do you really have? I would tell her you have too much pride to be her favorite doormat and move on.
Author buran Posted January 9, 2004 Author Posted January 9, 2004 So, should I somehow het them or let them to her to make her wallow?
Arabess Posted January 9, 2004 Posted January 9, 2004 I don't think it will matter either way Sweetie. The best thing you could do....is focus your love and attention elsewhere. You may not be ready to do that right now....but eventually you will. (Like....after she's busted up your heart a few more times!!) Sometimes we hang onto relationships which just aren't going to work. Think of what kind of wife and mother a fickle woman would be? Can you imagine how you would feel if you had a child in the middle of all this? There is alot to consider before declaring a person the love of your life. The reason she is playing games with you....is because you are LETTING her play games with you. This isn't going to win her love OR her respect.
Author buran Posted January 9, 2004 Author Posted January 9, 2004 Thank you very much Arabess. I will let you know here if something new happens. I thnik I am going to cut any contact.
Errol Posted January 9, 2004 Posted January 9, 2004 It sounds like she is blatently using you. I know you are hurt - but hurt is part of life and you just have to move on. I'll tell you something -- even if you two get back together it will NEVER be the same as before. If the love letters are those that you and she wrote to each other -- let her keep them. If the childhood photos have nothing to do with her then demand that you get them back. Get your credit card back immediately or cancel it and re-open a new one. You are in denial and clinging to something that once was good but the good doesn't exist anymore so you have to stop living in the past and move forward. She may grow up and call you again in a few months or a few years and you may at that time be able to build a better relationship then the one you had before -- but don't wait on her and stop letting her use you. You are a man, not toilet paper waiting on the roll to wipe her a$$.
Author buran Posted January 11, 2004 Author Posted January 11, 2004 Well, yesterday she called and we exchanged the belongings. She said again that she's not serious with her rel. and will not marry him but she is in a relationship. She does not want to cut contact, but I should wait for her call. First I did not accept, but then I sent a message and accepted and she also accepted. I again ate my words. I am a prideless doormat maybe, but she was my first and I don't think that I will find another wondeful love like this one. I need support.
brashgal Posted January 12, 2004 Posted January 12, 2004 It should get easier if you don't contact her and some time passes. It's not easy - take care!
Author buran Posted January 15, 2004 Author Posted January 15, 2004 Maybe I can forget her after 1 month or so, at least I may be not so sad, but I don't know what I will feel if she calls after a period. I don't think that I can resist her and old wounds will reopen. Another thing is that I want to hurt her in a way. She hurt me so much. What can I do? Telling her parents that she's not a virgin anymore? Would that make me feel better?
ukgirl28 Posted January 15, 2004 Posted January 15, 2004 Maybe I can forget her after 1 month or so, at least I may be not so sad, but I don't know what I will feel if she calls after a period. I don't think that I can resist her and old wounds will reopen. Another thing is that I want to hurt her in a way. She hurt me so much. What can I do? Telling her parents that she's not a virgin anymore? Would that make me feel better? You are obviously still getting over her - The best thing is to keep yourself busy and surround yourself with your close friends..and enjoy what you have now. how are you going to cut your ties and get over her if a part of you wants to hurt her back and get revenge? All you are doing is continuing to hold on to the past and all the negative and hurtful agro...you need to cut your ties with her - especially if she is with someone else... you have your own life to live - why allow someone who hurt you soo much, continue to hurt you? Its time to let go..and be realistic
ukgirl28 Posted January 15, 2004 Posted January 15, 2004 You are obviously still getting over her - The best thing is to keep yourself busy and surround yourself with your close friends..and enjoy what you have now. how are you going to cut your ties and get over her if a part of you wants to hurt her back and get revenge? All you are doing is continuing to hold on to the past and all the negative and hurtful agro...you need to cut your ties with her - especially if she is with someone else... you have your own life to live - why allow someone who hurt you soo much, continue to hurt you? Its time to let go..and be realistic.
Author buran Posted January 15, 2004 Author Posted January 15, 2004 You are right, but she played with me so much. Imagine a girl saying: "You are the one I cannot dare to lose", "Half of me is yours", "I'm not serious with him" etc for two monts while spending most of her time with her new bf and sending me mixed signals. Just tell me that you have a new bf, give back belongings and I should get lost. What about this?
ukgirl28 Posted January 15, 2004 Posted January 15, 2004 Buran - By her telling you all that, she is obviously playing with YOUR emotions - why let her do that to you? All you are doing is tormenting yourself by allowing her to mess you about. We all have a choice in life and epsecially with emotional relationship problems, we can either put a stop to it & move on, continually allow it to affect us...
Author buran Posted January 16, 2004 Author Posted January 16, 2004 Well, I've spent my most valuable 3 years (21-24) with this girl. I changed the course of my life. I was intending to go to the US for a graduate degree, stayed home for her. I had fights with my mother all the time about her. I did not harm her in any way and then she "accidentally" lost her virginity with me, only 10 days before break-up (I tell you this because in our country virginiity is still a taboo). I feel used. Most importantly, she dated another guy at the school while continuing to see me nd mostly enjoying my company. Is this the nature and course of relationships? This was my first. Everything deteriorated in my life during these 8 months (emotinal, career, financial, family bonds). Sorry, but Maybe I have problems, strong sexual hook to this girl, cannot tolerate even thinking that she might having sex with someone else. But I think that I would feel much better if she suffered only 25 percent of what I suffered. My firends, what are your opinions about this?
ukgirl28 Posted January 16, 2004 Posted January 16, 2004 You are still young, and obviously you have a strong connection because she was your first. Just like the song, 'The first cut is the deepest'. We have to remember that in life, just coz we meet someone special, that doesnt mean that we stay with that person for the rest of our lives..life doesnt work like that.. a relationship is never set in stone, its constantly changing, people change and relationships change, and when that happens, we have to go with that flow, not work against it and try to control it...coz all you are doing is making life harder and more painful..
ukgirl28 Posted January 16, 2004 Posted January 16, 2004 People cheat coz they are not getting what they want from their partner, so they seek it from some other person.. A fulfilling loving relationship is wonderful though, its not perfect (coz nobody is perfect) but its very rewarding physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionaly.
Author buran Posted January 16, 2004 Author Posted January 16, 2004 It's 01:38 AM now and I'm at the office right now after having a terrible discussion with my mother at home. It's not important who's right. It is obvious: I've neglected EVERYTHING in my life in the last 1,5 years, the only important thing for me was to please her and not let her go. What were the consequences? She left, every aspect of my life deteriorated. I don't think that I can ever forget this lesson, lesson of my life. Whom should I blame? Myself for neglecting everything or her for playing games with me all the time? I think I don't really "love" her, otherwise I would not think about a revenge somehow.
Author buran Posted January 23, 2004 Author Posted January 23, 2004 I am thinking about the old days. Stupid mistakes I've made are dancing in my head. We really loved each other and those mistakes are now killing me, making me think that she would still love me if they had not happened. I don't know how I can get rid of these thoughts. I am blaming myself for losing her. How can I "forget" these thoughts? Please help me.
moimeme Posted January 23, 2004 Posted January 23, 2004 If you've made mistakes, don't beat yourself up for them. Take your lesson from them, resolve to do better next time, make amends (if you can) to whomever you've hurt, and move on to be a better person. She may or may not still love you if they never happened. Maybe other factors were at play. Maybe she just decided you're not the best match. You can't help any of these things. Use your regret constructively to fuel your self-improvement so that this will be the last such situation you ever regret.
Author buran Posted February 5, 2004 Author Posted February 5, 2004 Well, after 23 days of no contact, she called on the second day of the religius festival and asked to spend time together. I agreed, and we had good time together. She gave me mixed signals. At the end of the day, she said that I should wait again for her call. I don't know what to do... I hope she's really not serious with the other guy. Please help...
Author buran Posted February 19, 2004 Author Posted February 19, 2004 After 23 days of no contact, she called and asked me to meet. We met and had great conversations. She sent me mixed feelings. After this initial contact, I asked her to meet again and we met 2 more times during 14 days. Note that this happenend during her school's break (and hence, her new bf is at another town, I think?). On the Valentine's I sent her a SMS that we could play snowball and have coffee if she wanted. She aggred to my suprise and we met on the Valentine's. Again she sent me mixed messages. I know she still has feelings for me and does not dare to lose me forever. When dropping her home, she said me that I should not initiate contact in any way, she wanted to initiate contact. It's been 5 days and I'm again very confused. What should I do? or what does she want?
SoleMate Posted February 19, 2004 Posted February 19, 2004 This is a sad story. You have sacrificed too much for her, and she in return gives you so little. Were you ever considering marriage or a real future? Is there a chance that you are the "nice guy" she may marry someday, but she wants to have a little fun first with other men? I think it's already too late to consider a future. You are available to her - and so is this other guy - so she uses first one, then the other. And tells you that she will never marry him. When one person uses the other like this, it is not a healthy relationship. The more you accept this treatment, the worse it gets. The reality is that while you may have had a good relationship with her, it is over. I would NOT recommend waiting for her. See if you can't get your life and education back on track like you planned. It's quite possible that 6 or 8 months from now, when you're preparing to go to the US, she'll throw herself at your feet. I suggest saying "No thanks". And just keep the memory of the good times, and know that you are a sadder but wiser man because of this...
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