Wedding Gift Etiquette for long-time friends?

[KismetGirl]

Not sure if this is the right forum, but I figured it's "friend" related...

 

Anyway, I have a question about gift giving at weddings, and perhaps I can get a general consensus from a bunch of people?

 

I have a couple of friends getting married soon. The groom and I have been friends for probably almost 12 years now, and I have known his fiance for most of the time they have been dating, which is going on 6 years now. So we are all pretty close.

 

Now, this may seem silly, but I feel unsure as to how to give them a gift: let me explain why...

 

I grew up in a certain culture where there are no such thing as "bridal showers", and thus no such gifts. It's simply wedding gifts, and in that case, it is nearly 100% of the time the case that guests give the bride and groom money. This is how I grew up my whole life, so that's all I knew. Weird, right? But I never had to deal with "registries" or anything like that. Generally I'd give the couple like $150 bucks or so and call it a day.

 

But these friends are having a nice All American wedding, and they have a registry at a few places. I was invited to the bridal shower, and was always told before that bridal shower gifts didn't have to be too big, so I thought buying the bride a cute book (very beautful, large book, not some flimsy paperback or something) about romantic cooking, which she likes, and I made a really nice frame and put a great photo of the two of them that I found. Then, for the wedding itself, since they had a registry listed, I assumed that it was acceptable for the actual wedding gift for the couple to be from there, so in addition to the $45 I spent on the bridal shower gift, I spent another $120 on gifts from the registry. I THOUGHT this was enough?

 

But today, when I saw the couple at an outing with a bunch of friends, I mentioned to the bride that I was sorry that I had to miss her bridal shower, but that I had her gift at my house and I would mail it to her. She seemed surprised and said "oh, but we got so and so gifts in the mail already". I automatically said, without thinking much about it, "Oh, well, those are for the wedding gifts." When I said this, for a split second she looked surprised, but then said "oh ok!", and then seemed happy and normal the rest of the night, hugging me and laughing as usual.

 

Am I being paranoid? I got them really nice things from their registry, that they obviously wanted, so I thought that was enough as far as gifts go? But some of my other friends said they got the BRIDE a gift from the registry for her "shower", and that they were still giving the COUPLE money at the wedding itself. I have one couple that spent $100 on the bridal shower gift and is giving the couple another $300 in cash at the wedding.

 

Now, I know that as a single person I don't have to give as much, but I feel a little awkward now and not sure what Im supposed to be doing. I already spent $150 on them between bridal shower small gift, plus wedding gifts from registry, and to be honest I am not blessed financially at the moment so that was alot for me. But now I am feeling as if perhaps I am supposed to ALSO give them money at the wedding itself?

 

Someone please help! What is "proper" etiquette? If you buy gifts off the registry, is that assumed to be the "bridal/groom shower" gift and in addition another gift (whether money or otherwise) is expected for the actual wedding?

 

I don't want to seem like I'm cheap or something but its really hard for me to be spending so much as it is right now :-(

 

Any opinions would be appreciated, sorry if anything seems incoherent here but it's late (or early, seeing as how it's 7 in the morning) and I haven't slept since yesterday.

 

Thanks!

[Ronni_W]

I would just accept that the bride is "happy and normal", as she appeared to you.

Her surprised look could just have been...surprise, maybe because it's unusual to receive the wedding gift way in advance of the actual wedding day.

 

If it's going to bother you for very much longer, maybe have a private chat with her, mentioning that you're feeling unsure about "American wedding customs" and would rather straighten it out with her than unintentionally offend.

 

And then just accept what she tells you.

[LynnM28]

Yes, I agree with Ronni W and I also feel that you have been generous, and in this day and age people have to understand other people's financial situations. Your friends sound like lovely people, I think they are likely quite happy to have you be a part of their celebration and are less focused on the "right" way to gift than you think they are!

[KismetGirl]

Thanks

 

I suppose it's possible she was surprised. It's not THAT far ahead of the wedding though...the wedding is like 6 weeks away.

 

Either way, I can't afford to give more than I have already so maybe it doesnt matter. I spent over $150 on them, and considering I now have $54 to live off of for the next two weeks until my paycheck, that's stretching my budget.

 

I guess I just feel self-conscious lately sometimes. I'm at a phase in my life where I'm not making what income I'd really like , and struggle alot because I'm trying to work and go to school at the same time, and many of my friends are well off (not because their families are rich, per say, but we're all very intelligent, motivated people, and all went to the same great school(s) and thus are mostly quite successful) and sometimes it bothers me that I can't do everything they can, fiscally speaking. That's what I get for going into social services and helping people instead of just saying f**k it and gone into finance like the rest of them. The economy sucks, but the majority of my friends are still happily making six figures. I know that none of them really care about gifts and just like having me around but I'm a giving person. When I did have more freedom in my budget I was always the type of person that paid for everyone when I could and etc, and I guess not being able to right now makes me a little depressed. I know it's temporary, but sometimes it feels like I've been struggling so long to make this medical school thing work, and all these other students around me seems to have parents that can just afford to pay all their rent for them and it drives me up a bloody wall sometimes.

 

Ok, enough venting.

 

Maybe I was just being paranoid. Anyway, I thought I'd ask just in case. You never know. Suppose it would be good to know for future referance anyway....every culture seems to have different wedding etiquette. You'd think living in this country my whole life I would know, but the wedding circuit is like being back in your parent's home country in a way. The only weddings I ever went to growing up were of people from the same country as my parents, and now that I'm "grown up" and my friends are all starting to get married it's different.

 

People should just make my life easier and skip the registries and just let me give them money :-P Which is possibly what I'll just do from now on to avoid the paranoia that the registry gift wasn't "good" enough. Everyone likes moolah, right? Yeah.

 

Ok, just needed to get that all out, even if only two people read it ;-) Thanks.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Kismet,

 

Your gifts are perfect. I think what transpired between you and the bride was possible just a moment of miscommunication. You do NOT have to spend a certain amount, you do NOT have to order from the registries. Personally, I don't send money. Infact, we have good friends getting married and they haven't registered yet. Its a second wedding so I don't know if they will. I won't send money though.

 

I spend about exactly what you mention on a wedding. If I'm invited to a shower then I spend about 50 on the shower and 100 on the gift, if not, then 150 on the gift. I usually choose registry items for both. I like to buy a serving piece of china or silver if the bride has registered for that. I don't always do that. We have a wonderful linen store nearby and I occasionally buy several sets of linen napkins.

 

Your shower gift was personal and thoughtful and I'm sure they will love the wedding gift as well. There is NO right amount of money to spend. After 24 years I can still tell you who gave me some of the gifts that I still have.

 

I broke a pyrex measuring cup the other day (I could probably replace it for $5) and it broke my heart. It had been part of a shower gift from my maid of honor. I think about her every time I use it.

 

Enjoy the festivities, you've done fine.

[Leia]

Kismet, I agree with the rest. Your gifts are generous enough and what's more important is that the time you took in making the photo frame and the thought of you putting a photo of them both is really sweet.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Is it possible that the bride expected to receive most of the wedding gifts at the wedding? I NEVER bring a gift to the wedding because it exra work for people to have to bring home but many people do.

[Butterfly01]

I think your gifts sound lovely Kismet.

 

I know that some people prefer to give money, and some even keep records to make sure that they 1) give enough to cover the cost of their dinner at the reception and 2) that they give the same amount or more than they received at their own wedding. This is a traditional way of doing things in some cultures, but personally, I think this puts a lot of extra pressure on people.

 

Call me old school, but I give what I think would mean something special to each specific couple, no matter how much or how little it costs. And I personally prefer not to give money as a gift. I like to give something from the heart -- and I like to imagine that one day when they're old and gray, setting their table for their grandchildren -- they stop with a smile and say "oh, remember this? Sue gave it to us for our wedding!"

[Star Gazer]

It sounded to me like she thought you already had sent your gift, and so the thought of another gift was like, "Wow, how generous!"

[KismetGirl]

Cool, thanks guys, that makes me feel a little better. I think I got really down on myself when some of my friends were talking about how they were giving like $400 worth of stuff between the shower/wedding and I was just like...wow, I can't do that. At all. Not even close.

 

I think you are probably right....I did try to be thoughtful in the shower gift, with the photo and the book, and hopefully between that and the wedding registry gift that will be enough. God knows I have enough wedding/shower/baby shower expenses coming up....I'm at that age when all my friends are starting to get married and have kids and its just one after another! I feel like I should just go get married just so I can be the one getting a gift for once

[Quinlan]

If you've ever been to the place where the couple is honeymooning, use that knowledge to get them a gift certificate for your favorite restaurant or resort activity. This will become a good memory for them.