ciu Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 I need some opinions on the following, please: I have been dating this guy for 2 years and a half. He is 27 and I am 31. We are from different nationalities working in a third country. We live in different cities and we see each other every weekend. We have had a great relationiship with lots of love and caring, it was like a fairy tale. I have never felt this much love in my life before and i was always happy. I knew he was the one and my gut feelings were telling me he know it too. He seemed happy and commited. Is been a month that I started talking about where our relationship is heading to. He told me that he doesnt want any commitment now, he doesn't see himself as a father or husband now and he is not ready to think about it. He sees a future with me and thats why he is still with me, but he can't promise me anything. All he knows is that he loves me and he wants to continue being with me the way we are. My aim of starting this conversation was not to have him to commit right away, was just to make my intensions clear to him and see where he was standing at given that we never spoke about this before. His response caught me offguard. We spoke about it only 1 time. I am getting tired of living and workign here and the only reason why I am still here is because of him. It's a tough country to settle down and we all know we are here temporarily. don't see any point continue being here if he is not commited to a future with me. However, he strongly believes that what I am asking for is a commitment right NOW and that is because my family is pushing me to do so given that I am 31, which is not true. Perhaps he thinks that because I have told him that my parents do not really agree with this relationship (he is younger, he doesn't have any university agree and I do have a master degree) however they will accept whatever decision I make as long as I am happy. Last weekend was the second time we got to talk about this and he kept on telling me the same stuff. However, after a long open discussion, i thought it all ended well, we were talking like adults and friends, considering what can be done about it. Then, all of a sudden, when our song was on the background, he hugged me and started crying and he said is better to break up as I will always suffer because of him since he can't give me what I need, he said is better for both of us although we will feel miserable now. He said he has loved me so much and asked me to never forget that. I felt shocked and started crying and I begged him to at least stay with me for a while until I put my self together (we were at my place), however he just left... Few hours later he sent me a text message saying "You don't deserve this, I am such a bastard, forgive me" I didn't reply. The next day he sent an email saying that he will never forget me and I have been very important in his life, he can't believe it ended like this however is better now than later. Knowing himself he can't give me what I want and he doesn't even know if he can give that to me in the future and that makes him feel really bad. He said he knows I will never forgive him and that makes him feel miserable, then he wished me all the best in my life. I didn't reply to this email either. The next day he sent another text message telling me he is worried about me and begged me to answer to his text messages. I didn't. He sent another text message the other day and kept on calling me at home, at work and on my mobile. I never answered. Then he dropped me an email saying that he needs to know how am i doing, and I just replied telling him" I am fine". Then he said it's been 4 days he hasn't heard from me, and he was really worried, thats all". This happened 2 days ago and he hasn't contacted me since then. My logic tells me is better to move on, however I love him so much and if i know there is a slight chance to work it out I would give it a try. But will he want me back? Is he worth it?
NN_C_U_L8R Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 I empathise 100%. Reading the beginning of your email was like reading my situation.....My ex and I broke up, we're different natonalities and we both live in different countries. This type of relationship is added pressure. For lots of couples there is a natural progression....fall in love, move in, think of marriage, kids (I know its not that simple!) When you are with a foreigner you do have to think seriously about the future because so much more effort is required. And it has to be talked about even if you don't know what will be going on in 5 yrs time. For example where will you settle (one will see this as a sacrafice), where will the kids be brought up AND there is the pressure from your family not to take their grandkids away not to mention in which country and type of ceremony the wedding will be. By the sounds he has probably been thinking about all these issues and know its going to be tough. Give him and you space. I wouldn't give up straight away. I would personally give it time and if you still love each other it you may both decide to give it a second chance. Its up to you though. Good luck, I understand how it feels!
threebyfate Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Unless personal cultural biases exist, the different nationalities is a moot point. Never, ever, look to potential. This guy is telling you he's not ready to commit. Whether this means committing to you or anyone else, doesn't matter. If you need a commitment, don't be looking to someone like this. Just let it die and move on. But I do suspect that he'll be back, due to the drama of the texting. The next time he's back, continue ignoring him.
carhill Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Welcome to LS You and your now ex are incompatible at this time, primarily due to differences in desire for a committed, progressive relationship. He is attempting to use time-honored male techniques to play upon your sympathy whilst inserting true negative words. You can expect him to switch to romantic techniques, re-visiting the pattern which caused you to fall in love with him. Oxytocin memory response. Block his number so as not to receive further phone calls and texts. Ignore e-mails. If/when he shows up on your doorstep uninvited, give him your time and attention long enough to discern whether the incompatibility has been resolved, or not. Go from there, as appropriate.
Author ciu Posted March 7, 2010 Author Posted March 7, 2010 I know i should ignore his calls and messages, however I can't accept ending it all like that, rushing out in 2 mins and dropping a 5 lines email. I hope he would be a man and apologize for the ways he did it all. I was wondering if you think will be a good idea to call him and meet up and discuss like adults to have the closure we deserve? I know it can be hard and may make me feel even worse aftewards, but at least I will know this can't be fixed and it is over for good so that It will help me to move on. What do you think?
Author ciu Posted March 7, 2010 Author Posted March 7, 2010 Is not about getting married, is about commitment that you want your partner as a life partner, is not just about a piece of paper. A guy should know and make his vision on the relationship clear to the lady he has been with for a while, especially in our situation that this relationship was keeping me in a country I don't want to be forever and he was the only reason to keep me here. It is just not fair...
threebyfate Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 Is not about getting married, is about commitment that you want your partner as a life partner, is not just about a piece of paper. A guy should know and make his vision on the relationship clear to the lady he has been with for a while, especially in our situation that this relationship was keeping me in a country I don't want to be forever and he was the only reason to keep me here. It is just not fair...But ciu, he has made himself clear to you. Now it's up to you to agree to what he wants, which is a no-commitment relationship or to move on. Ball's in your court.
Author ciu Posted March 8, 2010 Author Posted March 8, 2010 True, however it took him 3 years to let me know he is not ready for a marriage yet while the whole 3 years he was commited and invested in the relationship. If I wouldn't have asked, I guessed he would have never talked to me about it, it could have ended well or could have ended even worse for me, more hurtful. I guess this is just being selfish. However, is the ball in my court or in his? He made it clear to me and I made it clear to him, he is the one who is now trying to contact me, I just don't know whether he is just trying to be nice and make sure I am ok or if he is feeling as miserable as I do and he wan't to try to work things out. I just feel in such situation there is hardly a way of compromise...
threebyfate Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 True, however it took him 3 years to let me know he is not ready for a marriage yet while the whole 3 years he was commited and invested in the relationship. If I wouldn't have asked, I guessed he would have never talked to me about it, it could have ended well or could have ended even worse for me, more hurtful. I guess this is just being selfish. However, is the ball in my court or in his? He made it clear to me and I made it clear to him, he is the one who is now trying to contact me, I just don't know whether he is just trying to be nice and make sure I am ok or if he is feeling as miserable as I do and he wan't to try to work things out. I just feel in such situation there is hardly a way of compromise...Within that three year relationship, was marriage or your future ever discussed? If not, that should have been a major red flag. I've just stated what's in your court, whether you agree to his terms or move on. Nowhere have I mentioned a compromise. If you have a compromise in mind, then state it. The only kind of compromise I can think of, is that you get engaged with no marriage date. Will this satisfy both of you? I doubt it but maybe you might disagree.
Author ciu Posted March 8, 2010 Author Posted March 8, 2010 Well, you are right, the marriage was never discussed straightfoward during these 3 years and that indeed was a red flag. I just didn't want to pressure him and was letting things happen naturally, strengthening the relationship and giving it time. It was progressing, he told his family and I told mine, he was considering me like his "fiance", he never used the word "gf" with me but always said "fiancee". And he always told me that he has been investing in this relationship so long because he sees a future. Perhaps he was just not sure of what he wanted and not mature enough, donno. However, I suggested the compromise of getting engaged with no marriage date, he just doesn't seem to accept it either. Perhaps I didnt give it enough time for him to think this over. Like i said in my first post, we talked about it only 2 times (1 time while we were apart and the second one was face to face to go over whatever was discussed on the 1 time), he just bailed after the 1st real face to face conversation...
threebyfate Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 This is an example of words to action. While he called you his fiancee, he never proposed to you or put a ring on your finger. In those 3 years, he did nothing to set up for a future, just was satisfied with the status quo. When you directly challenged his words, his actions were to bolt. If words and actions don't match, never, ever trust solely in words or in actions. A man who knows what he wants, will match both, consistently.
threebyfate Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 The constant pressure to get married when it's utterly useless is enough annoyance, I'd run too.As she never brought up marriage in their three year relationship and only have brought it up twice, in the last little while, where did this constant pressure assumption come from? Did you make it up?
threebyfate Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 Talking about in general, and my situation. "Let's get engaged/married" about 5,000 times over a few years. It's obnoxious and women only seem to do it because they're told they need to get married.This thread isn't about your situation. The OP is asking for our help and if your situation is so different than her situation, how does this constitute help? It would be understandable if your situation mirrored hers. She got strung along but it's partially her responsibility. Now she's taken action to correct her side of it, by asserting her own needs. She's stuck in a country she hates, with a man who isn't interested in committing. IMO, it's time to cut bait and go home.
Author ciu Posted March 8, 2010 Author Posted March 8, 2010 Mercyful, you might be right, of course nagging about marriage can make a man (who never felt like marrying that women anyways) annoyed and a smart women should know she shouldn't do it, she either accepts that you don't want to get married to her and stay with you the way you are or move on. My hurt was broken because he pulled away the very first time we spoke about it, which tells me he was either scared (not man enought) to get to think about it or he never loved me enough to give himself time to think about it. Again, if a guy loves a women and has made up his mind to be with her forever, won't be annoyed by anything like this and will be the one to make the move and propose. If your ex nagging about getting married annoyed you then you were not that much into her.
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