jmo28 Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 I haven't posted on here in years basically because, well, i was in a happy committed relationship. Anyway, it broke down last year and after a little break I've been dating again. I was set up by a mutual friend who told me this girl was so kind and sweet (she says like I am) and that at the least, we'd have a date of 2 very nice people who could at least be friends, and maybe more if it worked out. The girl and I emailed back and forth a bit and I quickly asked her out. She canceled twice but I wast told by the mutual friend it was completely legitimate as her uncle was in the hospital and on the verge of death. I sent some supportive emails and said I do hope to still meet you but this is more important etc and I related a story of how grateful i was to talk to my grandfather in his last days. Well the day after the second cancellation she apologized profusely again and opened up her whole schedule (before we were both busy most nights and only had 1 free night between us) thanking me for my patience and offered me thurs, fri or sat night. I chose tonight (fri). I was really excited about this date mainly because of my mutual friend building her up in my mind as I think she did the same to her as she was really excited about the date too I am told and was nervous about appearing the right way, upsetting me etc (for instance with the Uncle stuff, she was telling the mutual friend "i hope he doesn't think I"m a flake or basket case or something"). I realized before the date that I don't really know this girl at the end of the day. I only know what my mutual friend who works with her knows and that is that she's nice to everyone at work. Anyway, onto the date. She shows up 20 min late (with a warning) so I don't fault her for that, although because of that the bar we were going to go to and the backup I had both filled up. So she picked out a third place (she lives in the neighborhood and felt bad about being so late so insisted on picking a place after my first 2 filled up). We had nice conversation for about an hr and 10 min. Then she starts on the blackberry right in front of me. She apologizes and says she has a party to get to and asks me if I have other plans that night. I say, well, no, this was my plan. Anyway now she's sort of giving me a signal to finish my drink so I do. I go to the bathroom and come back and the bill is on the table. I hesitate for a second to see if she would offer to pay (I always pay but like it when the girl offers) and she is too busy on her blackberry. Anyway, I walk out with her. Tell her I had a nice time and hope to see her again (i think i hadn't completely processed everything yet) and she says she hopes to see me again. Kiss on the cheek and date over. I really thought she was very rude. I will say that she's from a very wealthy background which is fine, but I really feel she acted a little entitled. My attitude is I will treat you very well if you treat me well. The Uncle in the hospital thing I completely understood and I was respectful and supportive. I really just can't believe she acted like this. Even if the birthday party was important, it was 10:10 at night. I'm sure she could have waited 15 min to text her friends until we were done. And, if she really wasn't having a good time and this was an "out" (which by the way, I have never in my life experienced on a date; my first dates always end naturally after long conversations, not when someone suddenly says I have to go), best to say well time to go etc and then text after you say goodbye to me. And who would suggest a night for a date when they already had plans to go to a party anyway and not mention it at all. Anyway, I've had all kinds of dates in my life (though after being in a relationship for the past 2 yrs, not many crazy ones in a while) but I really don't think I ever had one with someone who did something so rude during the date. Btw, I'm not a doormat guy. I'm respectful, confident and self aware but also assertive. I know ppl on here will say I should have treated her like crap, but thats really not my style. However, I don't think I'll call her again and I'm sure I'll get whatever story there is from the mutual friend on Mon (who by the way feels terrible for wasting my time with this). Well, just felt the need to vent. Feel free to pick apart my thoughts.
georgia girl Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 She's rude, arrogant and not worth your time. Thank God you can get out now before you develop feelings for her. Go find a real "nice" girl!
Taramere Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 We had nice conversation for about an hr and 10 min. Then she starts on the blackberry right in front of me. She apologizes and says she has a party to get to and asks me if I have other plans that night. I say, well, no, this was my plan. Anyway now she's sort of giving me a signal to finish my drink so I do. I go to the bathroom and come back and the bill is on the table. I hesitate for a second to see if she would offer to pay (I always pay but like it when the girl offers) and she is too busy on her blackberry. Anyway, I walk out with her. Tell her I had a nice time and hope to see her again (i think i hadn't completely processed everything yet) and she says she hopes to see me again. Kiss on the cheek and date over. Did she not even invite you to the party? I really thought she was very rude. I will say that she's from a very wealthy background which is fine, but I really feel she acted a little entitled. She was totally ignorant. Even if she had her mind on family problems, I would have thought a few manners (offering to split the bill, asking if you fancied going along to this party she'd been invited to) should come automatically. I'm sure she could have waited 15 min to text her friends until we were done. I agree. I tend to switch my phone off if I'm meeting anyone for lunch, drinks or dinner. I just don't understand people who sit there texting away when they're in company. It's a bit like being in a shop, waiting in a queue and then seeing the assistant dive to the phone when it rings. You've put in the effort to go there in person, you've got money to spend - and the assistant is giving priority to someone on the other end of the phone who isn't about to make a purchase. Charming. And, if she really wasn't having a good time and this was an "out" (which by the way, I have never in my life experienced on a date; my first dates always end naturally after long conversations, not when someone suddenly says I have to go), best to say well time to go etc and then text after you say goodbye to me. And who would suggest a night for a date when they already had plans to go to a party anyway and not mention it at all. Well, I suppose it depends on how casual the date is. I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with having two sets of plans in one evening, if you're both very busy, but she should have made that clear from the start. Perhaps just suggesting a quick drink on a night when she already had plans...then, if the two of you got along well, making plans to meet up again at the end of that meeting. She could also have asked you along to the party, though that can be awkward and unfair, in that it creates a scenario where she's in her comfort zone (amongst her friends) but you're not. I suspect though, from what you're describing about this girl, that her failure to invite you to the party wasn't connected to any sensitivity about whether that might be uncomfortable for you. Btw, I'm not a doormat guy. I'm respectful, confident and self aware but also assertive. I know ppl on here will say I should have treated her like crap, but thats really not my style. However, I don't think I'll call her again and I'm sure I'll get whatever story there is from the mutual friend on Mon (who by the way feels terrible for wasting my time with this). Well, just felt the need to vent. Feel free to pick apart my thoughts. I think it's all very well to criticise people for not having been sufficiently assertive in a particular situation after the event. However, I think in practice people will often respond politely to rudeness because they're taken aback and aren't sure how else to respond. Not to be flippant, but have you ever watched Borat? The dinner party scene when he appears at the table, following his visit to the loo, carrying a bag of crap...and the hostess and guests are still polite? I laughed all the harder, because I could imagine myself remaining calm and polite in a situation like that too. It tends to be after the event that you laugh or rage about these things. At the time, you (generalised you) tend to be too busy trying to stay calm at all costs and hang onto your manners. I wouldn't worry about having been overly polite to this person when politeness wasn't merited. All you need to is not contact her again.
paleblue Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 As USMCHokie would say.. Launch.... next please next time your mutual friends tries to hook you up i would suggest saying no thanks!
norajane Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 I hate it when people text at the table, or take calls. It is really rude, and I can't tolerate it, regardless of whether it's a date or friends or whoever. I don't blame you in the least for being insulted by that. As for the birthday party, I'm not sure you need to be offended. You said both of you had pretty full schedules, so you could look at it as she had planned to go to the party, but wanted to make time to see you so chose to go to the birthday late. For a blind date, I don't think it's unusual to plan to spend only a limited amount of time with the person. However, she should have mentioned it up-front instead of bringing it up at the end and through the whole texting thing. I guess that's what first dates are for - to get a feel for the person. And you don't really like what you saw, so, hey, you can cross her off the list and move on.
terra Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 There is no excuse for texting in front of you. If she needed to text a friend right then and there she should have excused herself to go to the bathroom or something, invited you to the party (to be polite) or at least told you in advance that she had plans for the end of the evening. -which maybe she should have mentioned when she was offering up three free nights. I say move on! I though people are on their best behaviours date one - it would only get worse.
marsle85 Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Things happen. It's been one date, and maybe she screwed up. I can sympathize. On my first date with this guy I'm talking to now- after dinner (1hr 20mins) I saw him starting to get ready to go. I panicked thinking: "gotta go! He's ready to go!" So I thanked him for dinner and said I had to leave. He then asked if I wanted to get dessert next door. I had to politely decline because at that point, I'd already explained I had a busy day the next day, etc. Did I drive home being like "what.did.I.just.do?" Yes. It takes more than a first date to really get a picture of someone. And just out of pure nervousness, she could have behaved differently than normal. I say- give her one more date. I'm sure glad the guy in my case did.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 It sounds like she wanted a free dinner before her party. Cut your losses. This one is truly a dud. Consider the bill worth the price of finding out that this one is not worth your time, and finding out on the first date before any real damage could be done.
Author jmo28 Posted March 6, 2010 Author Posted March 6, 2010 Thanks everyone. Its funny how all your responses pretty much run the gamut (sp?) and pretty much cover what my friends said (most of my friends are married so they like to hear how "exciting" my single life is and inquired). I do think that maybe this party was already planned and she was fitting me in. Fine. I don't fault her for that. I am open to the possibility that she was nervous. She seemed nervous beforehand my friend said and i was told she really wanted to make a good impression. However, being on the blackberry when the bill arrived really has no explanation. I even held the bill for a full 3 seconds to see if she would say anything. She didn't. I put my card down and then she looks up and says oh thank you for the drink (btw, we're talking a $10 drink for her and 2 $10 drinks for me so no major loss but you're right, no need to waste more money). That sense of entitlement really bothers me. Ie that she just shows up, looks pretty and smiles and is friendly and thats all she has to do. My friend setting us up really feels horrible and says I deserve better. She's going to feel her out but my honestly feels like I should move on. I guess i'll hear what the date has to say to my friend. She's a lot younger than me (i'm 31, she's 24) and thats usually younger than I date but this was setup so maybe its the case that she just hasn't learned yet as one of my friend's wives put it.
Author jmo28 Posted March 8, 2010 Author Posted March 8, 2010 final postscript if anyone's interested mutual friend found out today she didn't feel chemistry on either of our parts i agree tho don't feel like i spent enough time with her to definitively know but didn't feel it on the phone either the one time we had spoken either way no chemistry is no excuse for rude behavior kind of bothers me that girls like that can get away with that but thats that i guess next...
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