Be careful what you find when you go looking

[oilrig]

I have been involved with a MM for over a year---I am separating from my husband and MM is "supposedly" trying to break the bonds with his wife too(we are in a long distance relationship by the way)

 

We live cross oceans and have managed to see each other quite frequently.

 

the most recent visit we spend a lot of time talking and discussing how children are priority right now(he would have to leave his) and being over 6 hours by plane away is making this decision -and the timing of it difficult although not impossible/

However, all along since I sent her an email way back--after MM broke up with me for a short time "as he couldn't do it yet" and she replied I guess i have always wondered what she has really known(if he intercepted the email ettcc).

Its always bothered me the "what does she really know?" Is he just stringing me along---everything that he has said has been proven correct--everything.

However when i was away i saw some texts messages from her that were miss youXXXXXXX love youXXXXXXXX etc....

and it bothered me as to how if your going through the talk of separation etcc.....that a woman would be sending these kind of messages.

As usual he says she wants them together--its how she always talks(they have been married over 20 years).

Currently he is working away from home--gone for 6 weeks and he said tht this would be a good way for her to realize just how much"she wouldn't miss him"

It has drove me mad the "not really knowing part of all of this" I am so afraid of being used.

Well. i was able to get into his email(both work and home(which they share(the home) and also her Facebook.

Yes now I am a cheater and a frauder.

Facebook--has nothing bold about anything--ies married to best man of earth-etcc or husband is best gave me diamonds etcc..

messages she has sent or received and responded are general in nature--everything is good here--same etcc(these by the way are to people that i know she does not see on a regular bases and of course her children have access to her stuff too)

MM has said they have not had much contact since he left 3 weeks ago--verified that to be true although he is online with me everyday.

Ahh ..the work email ---two days after he left she is emailing him--when you calling >> Miss you already like crazy....please let us know how you r?

 

He responded very briefly--staying at___ take care

 

Home email---only birthday message to him--MISSING YOU LIKE MAD--love love love love you XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX happy birthday--if you want to call call my cell---Hope your missing us as much as we are missing you---please text us your ok.

Love love love _______

 

His response---thanks for that have a great weekend--- x

 

Yep--sure sounds like she is not missing him--and is adjusting without him(so much for his theory)

 

all her messages even on face book are to everyone lovexxx miss youxxx

all that way however this does not sound like the messages of a woman who apparently Feb 6th was crying and distraught because when they got into bed she asked for a kiss and his said NO---and she wanted to know "Are we going to make it through this?(apparently alluding to the fact of the affair etcc that she knew about from many months passed).

 

I guess if his emails back were all lovey dovey i would have the proof i needed to through his butt under the bus!!! I was surprised by the one x i saw even on the one message--after all it was his birthday though.

 

Feb 6th he said that they were moving forward after that talk--and that he has been more hard in his words that ever before and that they were even trading her vehicle in for a smaller one that she could more readily afford(on her own)(true verified that vehicle is gone--traded Feb 13).

 

I have even compared her response to the email i sent way back when--to her emails now and facebook and its all the same style of writing and words-This guy if she knows nothing has one hell of a list of lies---so loveshack people what do you think?? He's a big fat lier--that is what i think..

I couldn't even talk to him today --his birthday---he phoned and texted like mad--sent messages on yahoo--because i didn't want to wreck his day talking about or questioning on things. I did within 40 minutes of day being over call him.

He was so friggin happy to hear from me--incredibily so---I don't get it--all this time invested in me---all the trips---(god the time) all for sex? Hell of a long way to come to get it??? I am trying to see him for all that he is but maybe i just need to be told it.

(and i am ashamed that i lowered my value to hack into his stuffand hers) (i can just hear all the people saying what values? he is a MM?--but i think you know what i mean)

[White Flower]

oilrig does he travel to other places? To answer your question as to whether it is really worth all the travel just to be with/have sex with you I would need to know if he only travels to your destination. If he travels to other areas he very well could be overlapping As.

 

His responses to his W seem short and curt and not unlike most men actually. However, it does appear that he has minimized or even lied about his W knowing the end is near when really she seems to be trying hard to reconcile.

 

How did you get all those passwords? Are you a professional hacker?

 

Keep us posted.

[norajane]

He's a big fat lier--that is what i think..

 

Trust your gut instincts. If it doesn't feel right to you, don't ignore your feelings.

[bittersweet memories]

I have been involved with a MM for over a year---I am separating from my husband and MM is "supposedly" trying to break the bonds with his wife too(we are in a long distance relationship by the way)

 

We live cross oceans and have managed to see each other quite frequently.

 

the most recent visit we spend a lot of time talking and discussing how children are priority right now(he would have to leave his) and being over 6 hours by plane away is making this decision -and the timing of it difficult although not impossible/

However, all along since I sent her an email way back--after MM broke up with me for a short time "as he couldn't do it yet" and she replied I guess i have always wondered what she has really known(if he intercepted the email ettcc).

Its always bothered me the "what does she really know?" Is he just stringing me along---everything that he has said has been proven correct--everything.

However when i was away i saw some texts messages from her that were miss youXXXXXXX love youXXXXXXXX etc....

and it bothered me as to how if your going through the talk of separation etcc.....that a woman would be sending these kind of messages.

As usual he says she wants them together--its how she always talks(they have been married over 20 years).

Currently he is working away from home--gone for 6 weeks and he said tht this would be a good way for her to realize just how much"she wouldn't miss him"

It has drove me mad the "not really knowing part of all of this" I am so afraid of being used.

Well. i was able to get into his email(both work and home(which they share(the home) and also her Facebook.

Yes now I am a cheater and a frauder.

Facebook--has nothing bold about anything--ies married to best man of earth-etcc or husband is best gave me diamonds etcc..

messages she has sent or received and responded are general in nature--everything is good here--same etcc(these by the way are to people that i know she does not see on a regular bases and of course her children have access to her stuff too)

MM has said they have not had much contact since he left 3 weeks ago--verified that to be true although he is online with me everyday.

Ahh ..the work email ---two days after he left she is emailing him--when you calling >> Miss you already like crazy....please let us know how you r?

 

He responded very briefly--staying at___ take care

 

Home email---only birthday message to him--MISSING YOU LIKE MAD--love love love love you XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX happy birthday--if you want to call call my cell---Hope your missing us as much as we are missing you---please text us your ok.

Love love love _______

 

His response---thanks for that have a great weekend--- x

 

Yep--sure sounds like she is not missing him--and is adjusting without him(so much for his theory)

 

all her messages even on face book are to everyone lovexxx miss youxxx

all that way however this does not sound like the messages of a woman who apparently Feb 6th was crying and distraught because when they got into bed she asked for a kiss and his said NO---and she wanted to know "Are we going to make it through this?(apparently alluding to the fact of the affair etcc that she knew about from many months passed).

 

I guess if his emails back were all lovey dovey i would have the proof i needed to through his butt under the bus!!! I was surprised by the one x i saw even on the one message--after all it was his birthday though.

 

Feb 6th he said that they were moving forward after that talk--and that he has been more hard in his words that ever before and that they were even trading her vehicle in for a smaller one that she could more readily afford(on her own)(true verified that vehicle is gone--traded Feb 13).

 

I have even compared her response to the email i sent way back when--to her emails now and facebook and its all the same style of writing and words-This guy if she knows nothing has one hell of a list of lies---so loveshack people what do you think?? He's a big fat lier--that is what i think..

I couldn't even talk to him today --his birthday---he phoned and texted like mad--sent messages on yahoo--because i didn't want to wreck his day talking about or questioning on things. I did within 40 minutes of day being over call him.

He was so friggin happy to hear from me--incredibily so---I don't get it--all this time invested in me---all the trips---(god the time) all for sex? Hell of a long way to come to get it??? I am trying to see him for all that he is but maybe i just need to be told it.

(and i am ashamed that i lowered my value to hack into his stuffand hers) (i can just hear all the people saying what values? he is a MM?--but i think you know what i mean)

 

 

Just curioius does he travel to your town on business?

[oilrig]

no he doens't travel here for business--we have gone back and forth for visits to each others areas.

 

No i am not a professional hacker--but whati do know is his email adresses and a good ole button called password reset.

Because he is in a different country he thinks it there "stupid" connection and filtering issues that are causing him troubles logging in....

[2sunny]

go the direct route since you know you never get honesty from him.

 

call his wife directly and ask her.

[oilrig]

yes i could do that--call he gave me his home number--but what is she does know then i screw it up with him.

[2sunny]

yes i could do that--call he gave me his home number--but what is she does know then i screw it up with him.

 

if you want answers then you need to ask her directly. the worst of what you find out is that he's still lying... which you already know is true anyway or you wouldn't be here asking.

 

the real question is why do you settle for a liar and a cheater? you deserve better.

 

just call her - she deserves to know what he's been up to as much as you do.

[oilrig]

i just can't seem to wrap my head around the immense amount of lies to keep our "relationship" going--and the amount of time invested just in the talking part of it.

He has always said that she is always trying to "mend" them together even though they are making strides forward. On the one hand i have a distraught women on Feb 9---and then Feb 16th is emailing "miss you already, hope to talk soon---love you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

Everything has always made sense but her talk i can't decipher between desparate woman trying to keep things ---or woman who knows nothing---or me who is just blinded by love.

[Minnie09]

 

No i am not a professional hacker--but whati do know is his email adresses and a good ole button called password reset.

Because he is in a different country he thinks it there "stupid" connection and filtering issues that are causing him troubles logging in....

 

Don't you think they assume it's you spying if their passwords have both been reset? I think it's pretty obvious.

[whichwayisup]

Everything has always made sense but her talk i can't decipher between desparate woman trying to keep things ---or woman who knows nothing---or me who is just blinded by love.

 

Chances are VERY HIGH that she doesn't know and he's been telling you one thing and once home with his wife, life goes on with her. As usual. I doubt very much he plans on leaving his 20+ year marriage, leaving all that he knows, for you.

 

Also, this whole thing IS unhealthy. You are breaking into HIS email account and hers as well. It's just wrong. HE is married to her, not you. In all fairness, he isn't obligated to you. Keep in mind since he's been lying and betraying his wife, he has and will continue to omit truths from you, lie to you, bend the truth to suit him.

 

He seems like a man who is just enjoying having his cake and eating it too. He's giving you just enough hope to hang on - IN your mind he is going to leave.. IN his mind, it's enough to keep you as the OW.

 

Best outcome? YOU take control, end it and grieve, let yourself heal so you can move on with your life. Divorce your husband, let him find love and happiness with someone who will adore only him.

 

Yes, you are blinded by love. Your emotions are allowing you NOT to truly see what is going on. Take your blinders off, take a step back. Pretend it's your bestfriend in this senario. What would you tell her? Now, apply that advice to yourself.

[fooled once]

If this man has upset you so that you feel like you need to invade his privacy and stalk his wife's FB page, doesn't that tell you that you need to get out? This kind of behaviour isn't healthy.

And some tough love here: whether he's prefectly happy with her or not, he's still married to her. She is his wife, you aren't. He shouldn't be seeing you in the first place. If he wants to step out of his M, he needs to get a divorce and then see you. But will he? Probably not. He has friends, children, family, a whole life built there. Why would he leave all that behind to move to another country to start all over? ESPECIALLY when he doesn't have to? He can see you, text you, call you when he wants. And when he's done, he can put you away and go home to a wife and kids.

I don't mean to be harsh, but I invested a lot of time in an A that became a long distance A. Odds are already against you as an OW, but even worse because of the distance. And since you can't be there to see for yourself, you will ALWAYS have doubts.

No, I doubt he was traveling that far just for sex. Sure, I imagine he has feelings for you. Yeah, his marriage probably isn't perfect.

But he is NOT worth you putting yourself through this.

 

I totally agree with this and it shows you have no trust in him because YOU HACKED INTO HIS AND HER PERSONAL information. Man, I am just stunned you did that.

 

Do you like the person you are, the person who does that? Is this what that relationship has done to you? They have been together OVER 20 years! They have a history, a life built together, etc. You really think he is going to drop all that and MOVE across the world to be with the woman he has had an affair with, someone who he truly doesn't know? And you really don't know HIM. You know the AFFAIR man, not the real man.

 

As you can see, you don't trust him, and will you be able to trust him IF you two get together? will you be hacking into his email then?

 

Please - stop hacking into others personal things. That isn't right.

 

As for the affair...... he is married. When he becomes UNmarried and divorced, then see if you two have anything but for now, let him supposedly end his marriage without your interference.

[oxfordsocks]

I hear your pain in your write up Oil Rig. It sounds similiar to my situation trying to believe what MM says--I am sure you don't like what you have done with the snooping into the emails etccc but it is amazing how easitly you slip into the I have to know no matter what.

Here--everything you see is don't believe his words but his actions.

What do his actions lead you to believe--does it matter more what he says to her or what she says to him???

20 years of marriage is a long time--but who knows how happy those times where--obviously something ismissing or he would not have hooked up with you.After all he could certainly go local for sex would be less expensive to if yu live across countries.

I am not here to advise you just to give you some support and to tell you that your not crazy(because i bet you do feel that you are sometimes)

Trying to weed out truth from fiction, is it all fiction--some truth--some fiction yes enough to drive you nuts. Sometimes your instincts go arye in this situation. Ask him--don't let him get away with anything--use your mind to ask the right questions--and trick him up if you can i guess as the proof is at your finger tips. After all is seems that maybe your thinking the direct approach may not give you the honest answer

[LucreziaBorgia]

the most recent visit we spend a lot of time talking and discussing how children are priority right now(he would have to leave his) and being over 6 hours by plane away is making this decision -and the timing of it difficult although not impossible

 

Regardless of what else he has said, I'm not sure why you think he is going to follow through with leaving his children for someone who is six hours away by plane. If he said that children were the priority right now, then there is your answer: he is staying where his kids are, and where he has already invested twenty years.

 

He may have been giving you the impression that his marriage is over and that he is leaving, but it appears his wife didn't get the memo.

 

What do you do? Call the wife of course. You won't know the full story until you do. I would caution you to prepare yourself emotionally. I don't think you are going to like the outcome.

[Mino]

I can understand "why you hacked into his email, you wanted "clarity", I would have hacked too if i knew how:eek: The not knowing is what drives one crazy.... The waiting drives you nuts. No, I totally get why you did it. But everyone is right, call the w... I did, once... in the 3 year of the A. To my surprise, he had been honest, he told me the truth, She knew everything. Was he pissed, no not really, they get over it...:oBut you dont know the truth till you ask her....

[pureinheart]

I guess if his emails back were all lovey dovey i would have the proof i needed to through his butt under the bus!!! I was surprised by the one x i saw even on the one message--after all it was his birthday though.

 

 

OR...not making light of your OP (Original Post), I just like the concept here (in bold). It looks like you might be putting the shoe on the other foot by taking action first.

 

God only knows what is really happening, based on your desire to have your own life with him, I would say to wait until he's divorced and you are sure his mind is clear before engaging in a relationship with him.

 

Something definitely isn't right though...

[pureinheart]

i just can't seem to wrap my head around the immense amount of lies to keep our "relationship" going--and the amount of time invested just in the talking part of it.

He has always said that she is always trying to "mend" them together even though they are making strides forward. On the one hand i have a distraught women on Feb 9---and then Feb 16th is emailing "miss you already, hope to talk soon---love you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

Everything has always made sense but her talk i can't decipher between desparate woman trying to keep things ---or woman who knows nothing---or me who is just blinded by love.

 

Hey OR...if you feel led there is a thread on here about gaslighting...if you go back a couple of pages you should find it...there is a lot of good/enlightening stuff on that thread.

 

If he did not do anything to cause the change in her, then I want her doctor.

 

You know, sometimes there is absolutely nothing that makes sense about certain A's. I was in an EA (emotional affair) and he chased me relentlessly for quite awhile. When I took the bait he began to change his tune, although would dangle carrots here and there. It was rather cruel IMO.

 

You sound like an intelligent lady, you mostlikely are reading the situation correctly by questioning...the big problem here is is you have a big heart and are too nice...I say this because you didnot confront him because it was his B-day, you might be a bit too considerate for your own good...hey welcome to the forum...sorry about the circumstances though.

[Got it]

I would not call the wife. What obligation does she have to tell you anything? I do not think you will get the truth there. MM is the only one that can do that.

 

He needs to decide if he wants to leave his marriage. You need to look at the reality of what you have. Are you happy in the relationship? Does he meet your needs? What does today look like? Do not stay in it if you are waiting on a future point. If you are happy in what he can provide for you today, if your needs are being met then why change things?

 

My take on things is he has emotionally distanced himself from her. She apparently knows about an affair (I am not sure why you emailed her) and she is not wanting to let him go. And it sounds like a woman that is trying to stay attached to him. He looks to be fence sitting or, at the very least, passive aggressively trying to end things. It doesn't look like he has a firm plan in place. It does not mean he isn't moving forward on a divorce but he is doing it at his pace.

 

You need to focus on you and your life. You need to make the best decision for you independent of him. I understand the desire to get to the "truth". But you have the truth in front of you, it just isn't as definitive as you'd prefer.

[Woman In Blue]

Facebook--has nothing bold about anything--ies married to best man of earth-etcc or husband is best gave me diamonds etcc..

messages she has sent or received and responded are general in nature--everything is good here--same etcc(these by the way are to people that i know she does not see on a regular bases and of course her children have access to her stuff too)

You are unreal.

 

Not only have you completely disrespected this woman's marriage with her philandering husband, but you're now hacking into her Facebook account and reading the messages she sends and receives from friends and family?

 

Honestly, do you have NO decency at all? What did this woman ever do to you that you feel you have the right to completely invade her entire world the way you've done? It seriously creeps me out how far you're willing to go to intrude on an innocent woman's life for your own selfish gain. You think nothing about trying to persuade her husband to move 6 hours away by plane to another country, basically deserting his wife and children - just so you can get what you want. I'm truly appalled at the lengths some people will go to - and the innocent people they'll happily kick right out of the way - just to have what they want.

 

I'm not writing this from a betrayed wife's standpoint - I was an OW some years ago. I'm just honestly sickened at what little regard some people can have for their fellow human beings when all they're looking to do is please themselves.

[califnan]

no he doens't travel here for business--we have gone back and forth for visits to each others areas.

 

No i am not a professional hacker--but whati do know is his email adresses and a good ole button called password reset.

Because he is in a different country he thinks it there "stupid" connection and filtering issues that are causing him troubles logging in....

 

Oil .. you are Funny - to do that - or have thought of that .. hacking / password reset .. ha

[califnan]

go the direct route since you know you never get honesty from him.

 

call his wife directly and ask her.

 

..................

 

No, please don't ...

 

I haven't gotten through all of the comments yet .. But Oil, you know Enough ... Who the h cares how he feels about his wife.. She Loves him ... and sounds very Loving toward him .. Stay away from it .. The divorce should be on mutual grounds .. otherwise any future relationship that you would have with him - would be hurtful on all ..

[califnan]

i just can't seem to wrap my head around the immense amount of lies to keep our "relationship" going--and the amount of time invested just in the talking part of it.

He has always said that she is always trying to "mend" them together even though they are making strides forward. On the one hand i have a distraught women on Feb 9---and then Feb 16th is emailing "miss you already, hope to talk soon---love you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

Everything has always made sense but her talk i can't decipher between desparate woman trying to keep things ---or woman who knows nothing---or me who is just blinded by love.

 

Oil; Their marriage is Under God .. The One Flesh Covenant ..

[oilrig]

woman in blue i posted in the other woman category to get some discussion and thoughts on my situation. i guess there will be those that want to blast me for what i have done---and i give myself a kick of two as well .

i am not without morals or values and yes i have stooped to searching in ways for the truth that i didn't ever think i would do--but something put me over the edge this weekend --mostly my sanity.

 

As i see it--I am the only one getting hurt here if she has not got a clue. and instead of calling her i am going about it another way. this fellow has answers for everthing--I asked him a few more questions today and they were all right---except when i asked him if he sends texts or emails does he put little kisses at the end of them(the one response he did to her on March 4--did) and he said NO. guess he has a short memory.

Should it matter if he puts and X on a message---yes it does--

I guess it all depends on perspective --and i am not using looking at her messages for any gain other than the reason i am looking. I have enough information i think now anyway---Why do men do this? Why would someone go to these lengths to have an affair--I mean we are talkking weeks of talk about breaking up--and endless phone chat --endless hours--for only a small amount of contact really---god the money he could have saved getting it locally.

[califnan]

woman in blue i posted in the other woman category to get some discussion and thoughts on my situation. i guess there will be those that want to blast me for what i have done---and i give myself a kick of two as well .

i am not without morals or values and yes i have stooped to searching in ways for the truth that i didn't ever think i would do--but something put me over the edge this weekend --mostly my sanity.

 

As i see it--I am the only one getting hurt here if she has not got a clue. and instead of calling her i am going about it another way. this fellow has answers for everthing--I asked him a few more questions today and they were all right---except when i asked him if he sends texts or emails does he put little kisses at the end of them(the one response he did to her on March 4--did) and he said NO. guess he has a short memory.

Should it matter if he puts and X on a message---yes it does--

I guess it all depends on perspective --and i am not using looking at her messages for any gain other than the reason i am looking. I have enough information i think now anyway---Why do men do this? Why would someone go to these lengths to have an affair--I mean we are talkking weeks of talk about breaking up--and endless phone chat --endless hours--for only a small amount of contact really---god the money he could have saved getting it locally.

 

He probably cares for you, and knows you love him .. and that does make for greater sex .- thus the travel .. But with two in the marriage - the OW is Always made to be the outsider - and that of waiting on the outside -for leftover crumbs .. If you haven't read a lot of the posts on this sight regarding OM / OW or Infidelity - it will be a good eye opener if you do .. and you will also find the patterns .. In the situation of the wives here, who are despondent because they are loosing their husbands - it is not optimistic for the OW .. Personally I don't think marriages are blessed - that are based on the adultry of the prev marriage ..

[hoping2heal]

Well, what strikes me as odd is how overly affectionate his wife is and how cold he is in response. I have to say wether he has told her or not; how does that not stand out to you? If I am telling someone how much I love them, miss them like crazy and the best they can do is "okay thanks for that"..I'm not going to be under any notions that the feeling is mutual. She might have low self esteem or be a doormat..I just can't imagine being happy when you are being declined I love you's and affections. At the very least he isn't putting on a front it seems about THAT.