Ecosse Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Im going to try to skip the specifics... My GF and I have been in a LDR for the last year... we live 1000 mi apart lately we have been fighting like once a week. She is under a lot of stress with school and her life and I have been attributing our fights to her stresses... we get over but usually because I put my end of it on a back burner and just drop it because pushing the issue just leads to more fighting we fought the other day and I followed the same routine... I brought up my side of it in a diff conversation abotu how the last while I have been feeling neglected and that out r-ship has felt one sided... This led to a huge fight (the kind where she asked me if I even wanted to be with her anymore)... I love her more than I thought I could love anybody but now that I brought up that I have been feeling s--tty about her outbursts and that they are unfair... As soon as I bring this up we fight and Im made to feel like a "donkey" ... I just dont know what to do...
amerikajin Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Im going to try to skip the specifics... My GF and I have been in a LDR for the last year... we live 1000 mi apart lately we have been fighting like once a week. She is under a lot of stress with school and her life and I have been attributing our fights to her stresses... we get over but usually because I put my end of it on a back burner and just drop it because pushing the issue just leads to more fighting we fought the other day and I followed the same routine... I brought up my side of it in a diff conversation abotu how the last while I have been feeling neglected and that out r-ship has felt one sided... This led to a huge fight (the kind where she asked me if I even wanted to be with her anymore)... I love her more than I thought I could love anybody but now that I brought up that I have been feeling s--tty about her outbursts and that they are unfair... As soon as I bring this up we fight and Im made to feel like a "donkey" ... I just dont know what to do... You're living different lives. That doesn't mean the relationship is over, but you have to be aware of what's going on. When you live apart, you're together, but it's easy to start seeing and relating to your own experiences more than the other person's. 1. What's the long-term plan? Anything concrete? Not really? You have to have some long-term plans; otherwise, it's just a relationship over the phone that's bound to get old over time. 2. Once you have plans, stick to them. 3. Once you stick to your plans, remember to be understanding of the other person.
aerogurl87 Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 If she's too volatile to even hold a conversation addressing your concerns with the relationship, don't you think it's time you get out? She's not going to grow out of it... and even if it is relating to stress, do you really want a girl who deals with stress by lashing out at her loved ones? Some girls eat, or go running, or write in a journal, or do yoga, but yours attacks you for (at least based on what you say) no reason. Even if this wasn't an LDR relationship, I'd say get out an find a more stable girl. I kinda agree with cannedstarfish. When my guy and I do have our little disagreements, I never yell at him or lash out at him like you say your girl does. We calmly talk things out, even if that means getting off the phone to cool down before we talk things out. Also, we try to see things from each other's point of view, so what I think you seem to be having a problem with is a break down in communication. Your girl feels one way about things and is stressed by the distance, but instead of communicating how she feels to you in a calm manner, she just takes her frustration out on you. Am I correct? If so, you need to talk to her about this ASAP because a breakdown in communication in any relationship can lead to disaster, especially a LDR where communication is vital to keeping things going. Ask her why she gets upset, and then make a plan with her as to how you two can change things to stop this from happening. If she says the distance frustrates her, make a date to end it whenever. Then from there make a plan to get to that date, listing off things that need to be done in order to make things happen. Then stick to it. In addition, you need to tell her how her bitching at you constantly makes you feel. Tell her, it makes you feel like a jerk because your doing everything you can to make her happy and she seems unappreciative of your efforts. If she keeps with the arguing after all this though, then you need to think whether or not this relationship is worth it and is healthy to your mentality.
Author Ecosse Posted March 6, 2010 Author Posted March 6, 2010 "1. What's the long-term plan? Anything concrete? Not really? You have to have some long-term plans; otherwise, it's just a relationship over the phone that's bound to get old over time." Our LT plan is (at least was) for me to move to her town and us to move in together. We have a set end date for the distance... Where Im upset is that once I told her that the last few months have been difficult on me and that I have been feeling overlooked/underappreciated. We have been fighting a lot and I have been the one to let it go and overlook many things that have made me upset... Since we were fighting I wasnt going to throw fuel on the flames... I brought that up when we were not fighting and she is now upset and on a few occasions yesterday asked em if I even wanted to be with her... Because she brought that up more than once and when I asked her she said nothing (although later she did say she wanted us to be together)... I now am worried that she planted a seed for ending it... I never considered ending our relationship but I did want to address that me needs have not been met the last little while... If i dont bring it up then it wont get fixed... but i bring it up and she gets overly hurt and considers out relationship to be "on the rocks"
aerogurl87 Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 "1. What's the long-term plan? Anything concrete? Not really? You have to have some long-term plans; otherwise, it's just a relationship over the phone that's bound to get old over time." Our LT plan is (at least was) for me to move to her town and us to move in together. We have a set end date for the distance... Where Im upset is that once I told her that the last few months have been difficult on me and that I have been feeling overlooked/underappreciated. We have been fighting a lot and I have been the one to let it go and overlook many things that have made me upset... Since we were fighting I wasnt going to throw fuel on the flames... I brought that up when we were not fighting and she is now upset and on a few occasions yesterday asked em if I even wanted to be with her... Because she brought that up more than once and when I asked her she said nothing (although later she did say she wanted us to be together)... I now am worried that she planted a seed for ending it... I never considered ending our relationship but I did want to address that me needs have not been met the last little while... If i dont bring it up then it wont get fixed... but i bring it up and she gets overly hurt and considers out relationship to be "on the rocks" Ever heard of self fulfilling prophecies? Well, seems like that's what your girlfriend is aiming for her. So here's a little experiment, next time she pulls the "do you want to even be with me" card out, turn the question on her. Ask her if she wants to be with you since she seems to think your relationship is constantly on the rocks. One of two things will happen. 1) She'll say no and apologize over and over again or 2) she'll say something along the lines of "well I've been thinking..." and then she'll tell you she needs time or space. Either way, you'll get an answer because I know how the mind of the overdramatic woman works, mine used to function the same way. On a side note, if my guy and I had a plan to end the distance I wouldn't be sabatoging it unless I had some doubts. I think your girl has some underlying doubts that she just hasn't told you about. Something is a little off here and you need to get to the heart of the matter before it's too late.
SuburbanOblivion Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 I'd love to know what her version of this would be, because any time a situation is described as being only one person causing the fights, and how the poor other person is just so put-upon, there is a whole other side NOT being told.
Author Ecosse Posted March 6, 2010 Author Posted March 6, 2010 Aero: I did ask her that... she said yes (although she paused and then it wasnt all heartfelt) and we talked for quite a while... But I still dont feel any better about it... She tells me that her feelings are hurt because she apologised for the last couple fights and told me that she appreciates me... but then as soon as we get back to any stressors i take the brunt... A day later i bring it up and here we are. Sara: I believe that it takes both ppl to fight and the WE have to find a way through it... but I cant be the one to shoulder the blame every time we fight when I dont feel that I am exclusively to blame (somewhat of curse, in some situations more than others). I guess what Im asking is is it that wrong to tell your SO that youve been feeling underappreciated? ... At risk of sounding like an insecure kid here... I need to feel loved too... Im always there to take her calls, to listen to her when she is upset or stressed, to give her advise and support. I have made the travel plans, paid for the plane tickets (although she offered this last trip), I schedule my off time to make sure that I am avalible to talk with her... All I feel like im asking for is every so often for some show of affection, some way that I can feel like Im important to her too
aerogurl87 Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 Aero: I did ask her that... she said yes (although she paused and then it wasnt all heartfelt) and we talked for quite a while... But I still dont feel any better about it... She tells me that her feelings are hurt because she apologised for the last couple fights and told me that she appreciates me... but then as soon as we get back to any stressors i take the brunt... A day later i bring it up and here we are. Sara: I believe that it takes both ppl to fight and the WE have to find a way through it... but I cant be the one to shoulder the blame every time we fight when I dont feel that I am exclusively to blame (somewhat of curse, in some situations more than others). I guess what Im asking is is it that wrong to tell your SO that youve been feeling underappreciated? ... At risk of sounding like an insecure kid here... I need to feel loved too... Im always there to take her calls, to listen to her when she is upset or stressed, to give her advise and support. I have made the travel plans, paid for the plane tickets (although she offered this last trip), I schedule my off time to make sure that I am avalible to talk with her... All I feel like im asking for is every so often for some show of affection, some way that I can feel like Im important to her too Well sounds to me like this relationship is headed for disaster. If every little thing turns into a big fight then something HAS to be done or your relationship is pretty much doomed. With that said, as you mentioned it takes two people to fight for a relationship, and when one person loses faith then there's not much you can do from that point but hope they will see the light. I spent 5 months trying to convince my ex that our relationship was worth it and when I thought he was coming around, BOOM! Out of nowhere he just ended things. After time I realized it was doomed the minute he stopped believing in us and that I couldn't keep the hope for us alive on my own, he had to share the same hope as me or we just couldn't be. And no it is NOT too much to be able to state how you feel to your SO. Sometimes when my guy doens't text me or I feel like he's too busy for me, I tell him. Does he go off on me about it? No. He takes it in stride and we work together to rectify the situation so that we're both happy. Same as if he tells me he's feeling like I don't fully appreciate the effort he is making to be with me. We talk it out like adults, come to a compromise, and move on with life. Life is too short to spend it arguing over minute things with the ones you love. Most people unfortunately don't get this until they lose what they once had, and then they realize how precious every word and moment is with the person that you love.
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