dreamingoftigers Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 I am SO HAPPY to hear you are LEAVING! I am so glad, once you take back your life, you are going to feel better no matter what. Please do not stand in the way of your husband giving himself a boot in the arse. You certainly can't be any worse off at this point. He simply can't have it both ways. It isn't fair to ANYONE.
bentnotbroken Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 did you stay with him and he ended up leaving you? or did you leave and he still ran off with the other woman? i'm sorry that happened to you. i am really praying that my husband does not do the same. i want him to come back to reality and come back to his family. that woman does NOT love him and she is a wicked VAMPIRE who is sucking the life out of him. she knows what she is doing and i will have my words with that B*tch as soon as i feel ready. but i know this is ultimately on my husband. he made the choice. and now he is losing us and will miss the birth of his 3rd son because of his selfish actions. I don't know if she is a vampire or not or even if she is the spawn of Satan. But what I do know (from your posts) is that you are married to an evil person. Why you ask? Let me break it down for you. 1) First and foremost he is using God to justify his emotional and mental abuse of you. Yet he shows no such "hammering" of himself where the Word of God clearly states not only that adultery is wrong, but what he does to those who do not repent. You can't pick scriptures to twist and justify your actions that are wrong in the first place. 2) You are the mother of his children. Where is the honor and the respect? You are pregnant and if he loved his children the way you think he does, there is no way in hell that he would be putting you through emotional trauma and turmoil. Your emotions affect your baby and it's well being. How does he justify the stress he is placing on that child via you? 3) You aer the mother of his children. Doesn't he know that the children that you already have feel the emotion and tension levels? They may not know what it is. They may not be able to communicate their feelings, but they DO KNOW that something is off and it makes them feel less secure. There is a difference in their world. 4)This man needs a "whipping boy" and you are it....that is until and unless you decide you won't be that for him anymore. If you want to be a wife that's fine...but that isn't what you are being now. You are being an emotional punching bag for all his ills. You are being the one he wipes his shyt on. You are the one he is teaching his children isn't worthy of respect. 5) He is teaching his children how to treat women, but not how women SHOULD be treated. He is selfish, immature, arrogant and ignorant. I have been where you are. It is harder than you can imagine to stand on your own two feet. Do you know why that is? Because our entire marriages we leaned on them for support in all aspects of our lives. We began to doubt our own judgement, our own capabilities, our own sanity even. You know what happens when we don't use a muscle, it atrophies. It becomes weak and unstable. It can't support any weight. But it can and does become stronger with use. Use what you have. You will become stronger in your decision making skills, in taking care of your children and in taking care of yourself. The alternative to this happening is death. Emotional death, spiritual death and in some cases physical death. Am I trying to scare you....damn straight. You don't want to come down this path. I have been there and my children came to within a few minutes of not having me. Then who would have protected them from their jackazz father and the ow(ow's). 1
BlueeyedJonesy Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 KL, My heart breaks everytime I read your story.. I hope that you have a safe trip back home to your parents. I wouldn't be so dead set on him "clearing the fog" from his head and running back to you...because there is a chance he won't. and maybe your better off that way anyways..your H is mentally abusive..and I can't believe he is doing this WHILE you are pregnant. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst..you know you have alot of complete strangers here for you any time you need us;) I also wanted to say that your story definetly sheds light on the other side of the A..the damage that is done..the wrecklessness. the OW in your case probably has no idea what he is doing to you..in her mind its probably already been justified by him..there will come a day, they will have to answer to someone for what they've done.
PhoenixRise Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 I am so happy for you that you have decided to remove yourself and your children from this toxic situation. Hope you and the kids have a safe trip back home. I know that things will be hard for you emotionally. Everything you posts says loud and clear that you want your marriage. I hope you will spend your time apart from your husband focusing on you and that little life inside you. I hope you will think about what KIND of marriage you want and deserve. I agree with the other posters..You husband has been extremely abusive and he has not been this way because someone else caused him to behave this way or by any accident on his part. He has been abusive because it has served his purpose to be this way. It kept you immobilized and at the same time left him free to do as he pleases. I wish you the best of luck and I hope your family is giving you all the love and support you need during this emotional time for you. Hopefully you will post again when you get settled to let us know you are ok.
Author KLmccaulley81 Posted April 3, 2010 Author Posted April 3, 2010 Hi all! I have been in Iowa since Monday night. It was hard as HELL that day. I cried off and on throughout the day flying and being in airports. It was horrid. But my whole family was there to greet me at the airport. My brothers gf told me that after they left my brother shane was driving horribly b/c he was so pissed about how sad I looked and for what my WH is doing to me. I guess both of my brothers wanted to fly out to california to beat the **** out of him. No surprise there. haha. The other news is this. The very first night we were gone he wasn't taking it so well. I know this because I wake up the next morning to 7 texts from my alien husband. He said that he is sorry for putting me through this and that he is not a good man for me right now and that I do'nt need to be around him while he is in the state he is in. He said that he can't accept being a piece of sh*t husband because he is in turmoil over past lies and decisions. Then he said that I don't deserve that and he would be miserable for doing that. He also said that he needs to find a way to reconcile everything in his mind. Then he went on about how he misses all of us and that he drank an entire bottle of wine by himself because he didn't want to think about the fact that he is all alone and that his family should be with him. He talked about the baby name he likes. Then he said that he desired me and wanted to make love every night but that he couldn't do it because he won't take advantage of me while he is not fully committed. OK. So....he was drunk when he texted me these things. Obviously. I know a drunk man tells no tales. His GUILT is coming through in a way that is not BLAMING me. It came through when he was DRUNK. Now, I know there was dishonesty with some of those statements he made. Like how he is in turmoil over past lies and decisions. Well, I know he's trying to say it's about MY dishonesty about the college thing but in reality it is HIS own lies that he is in turmoil about. He is conflicted within himself. It has nothing to do with me. He knows he is not a good man for me right now. He had never said that before. It was the booze that helped him to finally acknowledge something. Maybe he should get drunk alone more often. He is hating the fact that we are gone. He is missing us. But I know he is still in contact with her. She is his addiction and she will keep this thing going for as long as she can. But I do'nt believe she wants him for the long haul. Just from what I know about her from reading up about her acting career and the relationships she's had. Plus from what my husband has said about her without realizing he's giving me information that i can use. haha. He is a fool for allowing himself to become so close to her and to form such a bond with her. Affairs are fantasies. They are not based in reality. Right now he is faced with reality. If he chooses her he will lose his family. I have made the decision that when he comes home for the birth he will be told that it is either his family or her. He will have to QUIT his job and pack up our stuff and move back to Iowa in order to work on our marriage. He will have to go to individual therapy as well as marriage counseling. Those are my stipulations. What do you think?! Have I gotten stronger or what????
califnan Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 What do I think... Perfecto ... is what I think ... You are doing great KL - I was wondering about you today, and wishing for an update.. Yes it is true: Cat isn't your problem .. Your husband is the responsible party and must come to terms .. And it is so understandable to me, that this man is dealing with an empty house for the first time - and with the knowledge that he can no longer "have his cake - and eat it too"... I am so so glad that you have made the decision that he Must Meet with you on Your Turf. To drop Cat and all of his other preconceived so-called problems with the marriage - and Renew with You and your life in Iowa - in order to have his family back. period .. thanks for the update KL ..
BlueeyedJonesy Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 What a piece of work your H is... You sound like a VERY strong woman..who has VERY strong values. You are making your voice heard, and believe me...you are definetly inspiring other women who are going through the same thing you are to not sit around and take this crap anymore..Stay strong..things will get better...he will pull his head out of his ass eventually.
NoIDidn't Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 Yes, KL, you do sound stronger. Its amazing what familial support will do for you. Stick to your guns and keep leaning on your family. Good luck with the upcoming delivery. I'm so glad you are around people that are going to support you and are likely to start getting excited about the impending birth. Thanks for updating us. I've had you in my thoughts and prayers.
2sunny Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 KL- it sounds like a solid boundary. one that will keep you happy, healthy and safe. stay on this path. there will be many trials... just remember to stay on path. do not let him deter you from your boundary - you have the right idea. until his consistent actions correspond with his words - there is no reason to pay attention to his so called guilt. he's not feeling enough guilt to change things yet... we shall see what the future brings. in the meantime - move forward - always keeping your kids and your happiness before anything else.
califnan Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 KL- until his consistent actions correspond with his words - there is no reason to pay attention to his so called guilt. he's not feeling enough guilt to change things yet... we shall see what the future brings. in the meantime - move forward - always keeping your kids and your happiness before anything else. --------------------------------- I agree ..
PhoenixRise Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 I am so glad to hear that you and your children are doing well in Iowa. YES you are sounding so strong. Keep it up. The boundaries and conditions that you are setting as the ground rules for a potential reconciliation with your H are right on target. You are no doormat and now your H knows that. You must be so relieved to have the love and support of your family around you. Take care of yourself.
Author KLmccaulley81 Posted April 3, 2010 Author Posted April 3, 2010 Thank you all for your support! I will keep you updated. Hopefully God will show him how far his head is up his ass and my WH will actually pay attention! That is my prayer. Well, that's paraphrasing. lol. But this monster he has become will never sit well with him. He may think that he is in a wonderful place. But he is not. He will still have the images of me being pregnant and our two young boys in his head, even when he is with her. He will still have the memories of me and our family. He will have to lay there in bed by himself and remember those things. If he were to listen to God's spirit he would feel the conviction so heavily that he would be so ashamed and embarrassed. He knows that if he takes the blame off of me and puts it on HIM where it BELONGS then he will have NOTHING. He will have to see himself for what he really is. And he will have to do the hard work of getting his family back.
Author KLmccaulley81 Posted April 8, 2010 Author Posted April 8, 2010 Well, I am beginning to wonder if he cares at all that we are gone. I know he misses his sons, but when it comes to me I really don't know. I do not text him or call him unless he texts me or calls me first. I have been adament about that for the past few days. Today around 5pm all he texted was "how are the kids?" He seems to be doing just fine. But maybe I shouldn't assume that. it is amazing what a hideous person he has turned into. when he is so cold and distant towards me it is like a knife in my heart. someone tell me that these stupid feelings he has for this woman will blow up in his face! how could these feelings be based in reality? they can't be. affairs are started in lies and deceit. the two people involved are extremely selfish. yet he thinks i was the selfish one for the past 9 years? well of course there is some truth to that but he paints it like i was selfish 99% of the time, everyday. ridiculous. but it is evident that HE is being 100% selfish ALL the time right now while carrying on his affair and barely talking to us.
bentnotbroken Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 Let him stay where ever he is. Yes, you are hurting. But even in your pain, you have to be strong with your children. You can do this. I don't doubt it.
califnan Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 KL, There is no way of knowing if he is feeling indifference (because of the possible affair), or if he is covering his feelings, or if he has fooled himself into feeling a rejection - because you have left.. In other words - there is no way of knowing, and it doesn't seem to matter right now.. You had to leave that environment.. It was bad for you, and situation as it was - things didn't look as if they were to improve - only get worse. It is wise of you to only respond if he messages first - but your decision. I wish you the best with the birth of your baby, and I am still relieved that you have worked your way to Idaho until your husband acts Totally like a loving responsible husband.
Author KLmccaulley81 Posted April 9, 2010 Author Posted April 9, 2010 Ugh. Sounds like he was being passive agressive in not asking about you. Kinda like "I care so I'm gonna act like I don't.". Not very helpful at this stage. Or maybe he thinks that if you think he's mad, you'll get over your tempertantrum and come back and behave. Either way, ugh. Is he supporting the children (and hopefully you) financially? How is your pregnancy coming along? yeah I don't know what he's doing. I'm done trying to figure it out. I'm just going to wait for him to text or call me. But however I do anything he will still find something wrong with it. If I text too much he'll think I'm being smothering and if I don't text or call enough he'll think I just don't care. So whatever. As far as finances. He has sent us $200. That's it. I'm hoping his finances are ruined swiftly. We barely had enough to make it by so I'm hoping that he loses clients and that he will run out of money very quickly. maybe that will wake him up a bit. then he'll have to crawl back home to his family and his in-laws who have helped him the past 2 and half years! Yes, my parents let us live with them for 2 years because of our financial struggles. and yet he still wanted to drag us back out to california. it didn't work the first time and he thought b/c he had a better job that it would work this time. well, if he comes back for the birth and still wants to be out there and is doing fine then whatever. he can go. i suppose if he can't work it out with me and commit to our marriage then he was a loser to begin with. anything in a marriage can be worked out (unless it's an ongoing affair with no signs of it ending..in my opinion) it just takes committment. if he can't commit then i don't see what the point is. he is backwards. thinking that we only have a "chance" at our relationship working. wtf. really. no no no. we have WAY more than a "chance". if both of us commit. he is being a jerk.
califnan Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 KL, I think we are all in agreement that the well being of you and your children, is what counts.. I hope you will be able to keep on top of his financial status, from your remembrance when you were with him .. Somehow, I don't think he would be coming back for financial reasons, his pride with you and the families would probably not allow that ..
how2forgive&2forget Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 KL I think for your situation the 18O is the best. Also, there's a book mentioned in these boards, I remember seeing it in JaneDoe35's thread and seemed to help some people here. I know it's hard to do, but at this point you should consider your husband lost forever. And act accordingly. Act like you're moving on, even if it's only pretense at first pretty soon you will feel internal changes. You don't want a husband like you currently have. He is addicted to his OW, and you cannot change or rehabilitate an alcoholic - they decide these things for themselves. When I found out about the cheating of my ex, I essentially married him off the her in my head, visualized their wedding, kids, etc....in order for me to move on. I know that's pretty brutal but I had to desensitize myself until I don't feel shattering pain anymore. The best thing for you to do is visualize a future without him, an exciting future. Take care of your health, get your endorphins going (after your birth, see a psychologist, psychiatrist or a counsellor immediately! Don't wait! You need all the help you can get right now to function for your kids. The OW will get hers in the end...she's a 40 something woman right? In 10 years time your Ex-husband (yes think of him as your ex RIGHT NOW!!!!) will kick himself for losing a blossoming young woman like you to an older, haggard woman. Be thankful he didn't chose an 18 year old, might cause you more self-esteem issues. You are a young hot momma! After birth you will work on that body, have plenty of energy for the kids, and will make men (younger or older) pant at you! Think positive thoughts! Praise yourself everyday, write about things that make you thank you're alive, find a movie star to crush on, go enroll in a language class (after birth, find a salsa dancing lessons nearby). In short, keep your days full, busy and fun, so that when you hit the bed you don't think of people like your ex and his old OW. Don't let them rule your life. Be single, be happy, be adventurous A new life has begun, and you're gonn make sure it's waaaaay better than the old one.
TerryW Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 Please know that I am praying for you. God have helped me so much through my ordeal and he will help you too. Psalms 56 Verse 3 ...."What time I am afraid, I will have confidence in and put my trust and reliance in You." These are the words that I use every day. Someday all I can do is meditate on His words. He really is the only one I can trust. I'm relying on him to see me through and I have confidence that He is in control. These are the only things that I know to be true.
Author KLmccaulley81 Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 Hey everyone, just wanted to update you all on the situation. First, I had my baby boy on May 3rd at 6:15pm. His name is Lael. My husband was not there to witness the birth. My friend got video of it with her cell phone and sent it to his cell phone so he could see it. That should've been painful for him to see his sons birth via cell phone. Plus the fact that I did it all natural with help from 6 women! lol. my mom, 3 girlfriends, and 2 midwives. I was strong without him bc of God's strength. As far as the marital situation goes....ever since the last week of April he has been calling me everyday. Sometimes twice a day and he usually texts as well. Before he was NEVER calling me. I have also come to find out that there has been very few phone calls between him and the OW for the entire month of May. Very short calls and they have ceased at this point. I had a feeling that had happened since he started calling me again. And it wasn't like he was calling just about the boys. He would call just to talk. He is joking around more and talking to me differently now. He still won't commit to being a husband at this point, and I didn't expect him to yet. I believe it is because he still sees her at work and he is still confused bc of everything that has happened. He has not been back to see us yet. He told me he will be here soon and that he's sorry he isn't here. So I'm just taking it a day at a time. He still says he doesn't want a divorce. When he is here I'm going to tell him that he will need to have absolutely no contact with OW and that the best thing would be for us to move closer to his family in Oklahoma if he doesn't want to live in Iowa near my family. I am praying that he will agree to this and will agree to start working on repairing our marriage. Any advice or thoughts please let me know!
JLB Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 Hi KL...I wish that we could sit down and chat. You would be surprised how close your story is to mine right now. I am 41 and my husband left me for his "friend" who is 62....He told me all the same things that yours did, how she was just a good friend, how she listens to him, how he enjoys her conversations etc. He moved out a few weeks ago. We had been battling this for a year now. I didn't do anything wrong, just like you. We have 2 teen daughters who have been put through all this craziness. I finally gave up and started to go on with my life and all of a sudden he is calling me everyday now, texting me, being sweet, playful, wants to date me....but does not wan to come back to the house just yet or be a husband. Sound familiar?? He lies alot still...about how far emotionally he is into this other woman. I think he is in pretty deep and can't get out, but I know he loves me...I know he misses me and the kids, and his house, the pets etc. You and I really need to compare stories. I bet we could find support in each other since we are both going through this. I hope you read my post. take care.
CrayonAngel Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 (((((((KL)))))))) I have been thinking about you and your boys. I didn't know you had posted an update! Congrats on your baby boy..you are such a strong woman for doing this all on your own and all natural at that. Your H doesn't deserve you. I hope you figure that out one day and finally Divorce him. I hate to sound pessimistic but you won't ever be the same if you do "work things out" with him...this will always be in the back of your mind. You will always have feelings of doubt and mistrust, so if you can handle that for the rest of your life and be happy with it..I say go for it...if not..it's best you cut your losses. He is calling you and texting you because he sees you going on without him..people want what they can't have. What he has done to you is mentally abusive. I am very happy to hear that you have friends and family by your side...that is very crucial right now. Are you in any kind of counseling? I think it would be very beneficial. Good luck, you are in my prayers.
JLB Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 Found a book that may help you understand what is going on with everything you are feeling, the love triangle etc. It is called: You, Him and the Other Woman by Paul Coleman PsyD I just purchased from Amazon and it's great. I especially like the chapter called, "The Other Woman and the Love Triangle, smart moves/dumb moves" talks about confronting her and why it does absolutely nothing to help matters and may even make things worse. It says never to confront her, it will only push them closer together. good luck.JLB
Jjames13 Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 I am glad to hear that you are moving on. I have a similar situation and need some advice from all of you. I am a husband whose wife was having an emotional attachment to a guy at work. She denies that it is anything more than a friendship but there is a lot of evidence that it has more to it. I have asked her to stop all non work related talk with this guy and she continues to have conversations with him. She has recently invited him over for a get together on Saturday with his wife and he is very hesitant to do so because I confronted him about this relationship. We have been in marital counseling since I have discovered this issue. My wife feels that the counselling is a waste of time and I am not ready to pack it in. I have 2 kids with my wife and came from a broken family, so strong family structure is very important to me. My wife and I have been high school sweethearts and been together for 13 + years, never broke up or dated anyone else. We will be married 6 years on July 24th. So here are somethings that I need help with. 1. Am I right for asking her to stop all non work related conversations/interactions with this guy? I have asked her multiple times to stop and she has not. 2. At what point do I give her the ultimatum to end it with this guy or I am done? I have no issues with her having guy friends but there is a boundary that has been crossed. 3. How do I move on with my relationship with her still having interactions with this guy? Everytime that I hear or see this guys name, I want to puke. Since I have found out about this relationship which was 8 weeks ago, I have lost 30 pounds. I am not trying to lose weight rather have no desire to eat much. 4. If it were not for the kids, I would have been gone 8 weeks ago. I am not a quitter and am not ready to throw the towel in. I was so angry tonight that she wanted to have sex and I said no for the first time ever. I have never denied her of this and it does not come very often. I am ready to refuse it or anything else that she is doing to cover up the situation until she gives up this relationship with this guy. I have a goal of another month for her to stop having this relationship or I am out. Am I being too soft with this goal? I really appreciate all feedback and hope that it will guide me into a good decision as to where I should be going in this relationship and in my life.
freestyle Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 I am glad to hear that you are moving on. I have a similar situation and need some advice from all of you. I am a husband whose wife was having an emotional attachment to a guy at work. She denies that it is anything more than a friendship but there is a lot of evidence that it has more to it. I have asked her to stop all non work related talk with this guy and she continues to have conversations with him. She has recently invited him over for a get together on Saturday with his wife and he is very hesitant to do so because I confronted him about this relationship. We have been in marital counseling since I have discovered this issue. My wife feels that the counselling is a waste of time and I am not ready to pack it in. I have 2 kids with my wife and came from a broken family, so strong family structure is very important to me. My wife and I have been high school sweethearts and been together for 13 + years, never broke up or dated anyone else. We will be married 6 years on July 24th. So here are somethings that I need help with. 1. Am I right for asking her to stop all non work related conversations/interactions with this guy? I have asked her multiple times to stop and she has not. 2. At what point do I give her the ultimatum to end it with this guy or I am done? I have no issues with her having guy friends but there is a boundary that has been crossed. 3. How do I move on with my relationship with her still having interactions with this guy? Everytime that I hear or see this guys name, I want to puke. Since I have found out about this relationship which was 8 weeks ago, I have lost 30 pounds. I am not trying to lose weight rather have no desire to eat much. 4. If it were not for the kids, I would have been gone 8 weeks ago. I am not a quitter and am not ready to throw the towel in. I was so angry tonight that she wanted to have sex and I said no for the first time ever. I have never denied her of this and it does not come very often. I am ready to refuse it or anything else that she is doing to cover up the situation until she gives up this relationship with this guy. I have a goal of another month for her to stop having this relationship or I am out. Am I being too soft with this goal? I really appreciate all feedback and hope that it will guide me into a good decision as to where I should be going in this relationship and in my life. Hey James. Welcome to LS. There's a lot of great posters here who can help you with your dilemma, but you'll get more feedback if you start your own thread. Right now you're attached to the tail end of a long thread that someone else started, and you may get lost in the shuffle. Simply go to the top of the page, on the left, where it says, "New Thread" and click on that. The box will come up, and you can tell your story there. good luck....
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