Fallen Angel Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 ----------------------- Sunny ... You have no idea how upset I was when I learned she let him bring her back ... I couldn't even type. A friend picked her up .. she got all the way to her uncle's house - and I think her father was supposed to pick her up from Iowa.. Several days later, she reported that she was back home (today)... On the way home her sick husband went over it with her that he was upset about an incident that happened nine years ago, and that he didn't feel their marriage was of God ... or something like that.. same ol same ol .. She has said the main reason she returned is because she didn't wish to separate him from his sons.. What can I do .. prior to her leaving I emailed constantly encouraging her to leave - and because he told her that if she left she should leave their sons with him ... Now I mostly want her to leave, because if she gets Stuck with him - she may have to reside in Calif near him forever because of laws saying that both parents must reside in the same state.. There is no getting her and her children away from him ... until she has Finally had it .. The way i understand it, they have not been in California long, and as residents of Iowa (you have to be gone for more than six months to no longer be a resident) she should run there as fast as she can!!! I moved with my children from Iowa, legally by the way, (either parent can take the children any damned place they want until/unless there is a court order from a judge giving one parent custody) and yet my husband who had been arrested several times for physical abuse, drug possesion, and drunk driving was granted custody of our children, by default, since he filed in Iowa, and I did not have the financial means to travel back for court appearances. He was awared full physical custody and joint legal custody along with court ordered child support. I still have my children, because getting custody was simply his way of getting out of paying child support, and still abusing me, through the legal system! If she gets back to Iowa right away, files for a no contact order (based on the fact that he has some potentially damaging *to the children* religious views) and files immediately for custody, divorce, and support, she will no doubt win hands down. She can get a lawyer through Legal Aid that will help her pro bono with the case. If she stays too long in California, she will be bound by California law, which is much more likely to impose such restrictions as "she can not move the children more than XX number of miles away". I think everyone should encourage her to get at least a temporary order of custody, as in his "new religious consciousness" he may decide to take the kids, his OW and head to Mexico... stranger things have happened!!!
califnan Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 The way i understand it, they have not been in California long, and as residents of Iowa (you have to be gone for more than six months to no longer be a resident) she should run there as fast as she can!!! I moved with my children from Iowa, legally by the way, (either parent can take the children any damned place they want until/unless there is a court order from a judge giving one parent custody) and yet my husband who had been arrested several times for physical abuse, drug possesion, and drunk driving was granted custody of our children, by default, since he filed in Iowa, and I did not have the financial means to travel back for court appearances. He was awared full physical custody and joint legal custody along with court ordered child support. I still have my children, because getting custody was simply his way of getting out of paying child support, and still abusing me, through the legal system! If she gets back to Iowa right away, files for a no contact order (based on the fact that he has some potentially damaging *to the children* religious views) and files immediately for custody, divorce, and support, she will no doubt win hands down. She can get a lawyer through Legal Aid that will help her pro bono with the case. If she stays too long in California, she will be bound by California law, which is much more likely to impose such restrictions as "she can not move the children more than XX number of miles away". I think everyone should encourage her to get at least a temporary order of custody, as in his "new religious consciousness" he may decide to take the kids, his OW and head to Mexico... stranger things have happened!!! ------------------------ Read this ML.. Your husband is not showing you respect or demonstrating that he has your best interest in mind .. You must take charge, for the sake of You and your three children .. It is important that you leave .. You would give your husband visitation with the children.. When it is too late - you have no way of knowing if he would use the children to avenge you - or if you would be stuck in Calif..
2sunny Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 and when i continue to read the title - i'm noticing that OP must still think this is only an EA? there is no way he hasn't had sex with his OW. no way - no how that a MM would protect and stand up for his OW the way he does if he hasn't had sex with her. he isn't willing to tell the truth about anything - so what does that say about him and his so called religion. he may think he believes - but his actions tell a different story.
califnan Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 and when i continue to read the title - i'm noticing that OP must still think this is only an EA? there is no way he hasn't had sex with his OW. no way - no how that a MM would protect and stand up for his OW the way he does if he hasn't had sex with her. he isn't willing to tell the truth about anything - so what does that say about him and his so called religion. he may think he believes - but his actions tell a different story. ----------------------- I am the world's most gullible person... was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt as far as the sex, until he chose to walk out from having sex with KL .. after taking a phone call from Cat .. It was the same with my husband. After 22 yrs .. I was more than willing to believe that they were just friends (as he said) and no sex ... Everyone knew - but me..
2sunny Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 most men - would never choose to be "just friends" with a woman... most are in the friendship to make sure it becomes more than that. a man that prioritizes his OW above his W shows blatant signs that he's having sex with her. how obvious does he need to be? we know he's not going to be honest... but he doesn't have to lay his guilt on the OP by bringing up her somewhat insignificant stuff that happened almost ten years ago as HIS excuse for justifying his bad behavior. HIS guilt is HIS. stop letting him put his bad behavior onto you. get a boundary and at least try to be strong! the boundary should be firm and tight - in order to protect yourself from him putting all his $hit on you. my boundary would say: i don't deserve any of this. i deserve so much more that is good... i am leaving - since you, as my former husband, can't be anything that looks close to being a decent person. don't bother contacting me - i'll have an attorney get in touch with you. THAT'S what i would do. 1
Miad's Princess Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 I have just read this whole thread now, I haven't much too add from what everyone else has told you, I really feel for you, my heart breaks for what you are going through. Your husband said he hates lies, yet he obv lied in october with his email to you stating he was happy he married you (maybe you should remind him of that) ......actually we both know that oct email was not a lie.....yet everything since has been. I want to comment on your update about his statement to have sex with you would be selfish..... I think that this EA has now turned into a PA and the guilt he is now feeling is towards cat, maybe he feels that he would be betraying her if he did, and the voicemail from her confirmed this. if you stay this will not end with her or at least not end for a long time as others have said he has no reason to end it. If you leave him he has a choice let him make that choice. Stop letting him have the best of both worlds. (((hugs))).
Miad's Princess Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 As a mother myself I want to add, you need to do this also for your children. Do you want your boys growing up thinking this behavior is okay/normal. Do you want them to one day be the husband who treats his wife just like this. It is your responsibility to protect them from what they are and will witness. Please do not think you are taking something away from your children by leaving him, you are doing the opposite you are teaching them the rights from the wrongs.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 LB- I agree with your posts on him using God. I was thinking I'd be afraid to be within 15 feet of him. God may strike him down any minute. Christ encountered an adulteress who was about to be put to death by stoning. He said to those in charge "Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone." This man has not forgiven you for not even being adulterous. If he believes in a Christian god, it isn't one that I have heard of. When a man and his wife marry, the two become as one flesh. You do not cut off your arm to go and replace it with another do you? He is not acting in a Christ-like manner. He is not acting as a husband. What you have is a selfish child, which doesn't work because you will already have 3 children. He needs to learn decency. You are not taking his boys away. He can see them when he is healthy. You children do not need to be exposed to his selfish DISEASE everyday. You have had my sympathy, empathy (my husband pulled some real stupid stuff when I was 8 months pregnant, ended up getting arrested) but you will not give yourself any respect to deal with him 5% as sharply as he has dealt with you. Your children only need healthy parents, he is not. It is the AFFAIR, and it is HIS SELF-RIGHTEOUS attitude. God does not throw out signs to people who are not ready or listening. He does not throw pearls before swine. Give nothing else to this swine, you have given him 9 years, your honesty despite the consequences and 3 sons. There is no greater gift. Have him contact me for a good ole faith debate, we'll search some real fun chapters in that wonderful Bible together. What would happen if you got yourself a friend? -A Christian
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 If she gets back to Iowa right away, files for a no contact order (based on the fact that he has some potentially damaging *to the children* religious views) and files immediately for custody, divorce, and support, she will no doubt win hands down. She can get a lawyer through Legal Aid that will help her pro bono with the case. That is the way to go, right there.
lovelylove Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 I have to say, my exhusband "swore" he was "just friends" with the woman he left me and our three children for. And I believed him!!! Or I should say I deluded myself into believing that... sigh. One thing that stands out is the OP's H complaining about his "wasted youth", and the fact that she supposedly ruined his "dreams" of playing pro ball and/or acting... my ex also said that I had ruined his "dreams" of being a musician. I have to say, ha ha ha what a joke these men are, did they really think they would have been pro athletes, rock stars, or celebrities if only they hadn't married us? Do they realize how silly and stupid and immature that sounds, not to mention narcissistic and grandiose? I feel so bad for you honey, and I know you're just trying to fix things, and keep your family together even if it kills you, because you're a mother... but you do need to leave him, for your kids' sake... I'll pray for you, and your children. xoxoxoxo 1
califnan Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 KL, Your husband is rewriting your marital history in order to justify having the affair. In doing so, he is putting a guilt trip on you. Please listen to the prev posters who have your best interests at heart. Your husband doesn't.
PhoenixRise Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 I know and understand what all of you are saying. Today has been okay but just turned a bit ugly. For some stupid reason I wanted to be "intimate" with my husband. I guess it is the only way I can feel close to him as stupid as that sounds right now. He started to respond then said he had to pee. He went to the bathroom, came back in the room and checked his voicemail. It was Cat. Then he came over to the bed and laid down facing me and said that he truly does love me and that he doesn't want to hurt me. He said he is very attracted to me but feels he shouldn't be physical with me anymore because of how he feels about our relationship right now. He said he is confused and it would be "selfish" of him to have sex with me. Then he continues on saying that I shouldn't be thinking about him leaving or divorcing me because that is the worst case scenario and I shouldn't think about it because it hasn't happened. (well, what am I supposed to think at this point?) He said that he hasn't given up and that he just needs to "figure it out". And he says that means he needs to figure out things in OUR relationship but I don't believe him. He said he was going for a walk and that yes he was going to call her back. He's been gone for a half hour now. I assume he is talking to her and maybe telling her the same things he's telling me. His confusion is coming from his relationship with her, not from the past am I right? The past is just something he can use (even if he is hurt by things in the past i don't believe he would be taking it this far if it weren't for this woman) to keep this going, this world he has created. Marriage builders gave me some advice but not many people have posted there yet. they told me to do plan A which is to try to win your ws back through meeting emotional needs and asking them to stop seeing the other person without becoming emotionally hysterical or making demands. Well, I have tried that and I have tried the emotionally hysterical part. Neither worked. Plan B is to separate. but they say that most marriages will stay permanently separated or divorced. that is what scares me. still stuck. Basically everything your husband said to you after he got his call from Cat is shorthand for "I don't want to cheat on Cat with you"
Author KLmccaulley81 Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 Thanks everyone yet again for your helping me to see through this ridiculous fog. I got PLANE TICKETS for TOMMORROW! I will be in Iowa by 10pm tommorrow night. My husband knows I am leaving. He was crying. He was saying that he is in turmoil and that he just needs to figure things out. He said he has to try to find a way to be at peace with all that has happened in our relationship and that if he "can't" find a way to process it all and be okay with it then he can't be with me. I take it that this is all his guilt from the affair and he is trying to "figure" things out meaning he is trying to decide if he should keep his gf or come back to his family. Is there any hope for him to get his head out of his a$$ and realize what he is doing? Will there be MORE hope for that since I am leaving? Or will this affair of his just be even more great since the wife and kids will be gone? I thought affairs usually ended pretty quickly b/c they are based on lies and deceit. Not good. But taht is exactly what he is claiming i did! He says OUR relationship was based on a lie b/c of my dishonesty about, well you already know, the stupid thing from college! ugh.....
Author KLmccaulley81 Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 I have to say, my exhusband "swore" he was "just friends" with the woman he left me and our three children for. And I believed him!!! Or I should say I deluded myself into believing that... sigh. One thing that stands out is the OP's H complaining about his "wasted youth", and the fact that she supposedly ruined his "dreams" of playing pro ball and/or acting... my ex also said that I had ruined his "dreams" of being a musician. I have to say, ha ha ha what a joke these men are, did they really think they would have been pro athletes, rock stars, or celebrities if only they hadn't married us? Do they realize how silly and stupid and immature that sounds, not to mention narcissistic and grandiose? I feel so bad for you honey, and I know you're just trying to fix things, and keep your family together even if it kills you, because you're a mother... but you do need to leave him, for your kids' sake... I'll pray for you, and your children. xoxoxoxo did you stay with him and he ended up leaving you? or did you leave and he still ran off with the other woman? i'm sorry that happened to you. i am really praying that my husband does not do the same. i want him to come back to reality and come back to his family. that woman does NOT love him and she is a wicked VAMPIRE who is sucking the life out of him. she knows what she is doing and i will have my words with that B*tch as soon as i feel ready. but i know this is ultimately on my husband. he made the choice. and now he is losing us and will miss the birth of his 3rd son because of his selfish actions.
Author KLmccaulley81 Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 KL- THIS NEWS HAS MADE MY DAY! Please stick with your plan to leave. You don't really know what will happen after you leave. He may see the light of day, he may not. But NOTHING will change if you stay. Give him room to figure it out. Give yourself room and time to heal. Pray. God helps those that help themselves, and I truly think you are helping everyone involved by leaving. I'll continue to pray for you too. Thank you, I appreciate that. I am grateful to all of you who helped give me strength to make the right decision for myself and my children. I am praying so hard for my husband right now. I pray so much and I hope God will help him to see the path of destruction he has caused and wake him up from this addiction to his OW.
freestyle Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 I highly doubt your H's affair will be better with you and the kids gone. Reality is about to slap him upside the head. And you won't be there for him to continue projecting his blame onto, he's going to have to face his own crap. You are absolutely doing the right thing by leaving.For yourself, and for your kids. When I read the sheer volume of emotional abuse he has heaped upon you, I have steam coming out of my ears.For him to imply that you are not "right' spiritually is not only absurd, but the very pinnacle of mental and emotional cruelty. The entire basis of Christianity is forgiveness. For him to dredge up your actions from before you even dated him....and then try to lord that over you to justify his infidelity, is the height of hypocrisy. If he was a true Christian, he would be forgiving.Not condemning. And absolutely not abusing...........
Fallen Angel Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 did you stay with him and he ended up leaving you? or did you leave and he still ran off with the other woman? i'm sorry that happened to you. i am really praying that my husband does not do the same. i want him to come back to reality and come back to his family. that woman does NOT love him and she is a wicked VAMPIRE who is sucking the life out of him. she knows what she is doing and i will have my words with that B*tch as soon as i feel ready. but i know this is ultimately on my husband. he made the choice. and now he is losing us and will miss the birth of his 3rd son because of his selfish actions. I see that you say she is a "wicked vampire" followed by an almost forgiving sounding but i know this is ultimately on my husband." That concerns me, because it says to me you are looking at this as something she is the root cause of, and he is just a naughty little boy being led astray. As a former betrayed wife (betrayed more times than I am sure I will ever know about), and a current Other Woman (and no most affairs are not over quickly, I have been in my relationship with My Sweetheart for over three years..over a year EA and we recently celebrated 2 years since the begining of our PA.) I assure you that she did not seek out and "poach" your husband. He offered himself to her. She could not lead him astray unless he was already headed in that direction. Thinking otherwise is likely to lead you to be soft hearted towards him and allow him to reenter your life without doing the serious work he needs to do to earn his way back into your life. He is 100% at fault here. He knowingly and with knowledge of the pain it would cause you allowed himself to become emotionally attached to another woman. He is giving her his time, his affection and his devotion (hence his refusal to have sex with you.) He is sharing his most intimate thoughts with her, he is in all likelyhood sharing his penis with her, and he is sharing details about you and your children with her. Keep that in mind, and stand firm. Make him make the hard choices. make him earn the chance to be your husband and fulltime father to his children again. If you slap him on the wrist he will most certainly not let her go. There has been a D-day in my relationship. She has found proof of his continued relationship with me, she demanded that he cut off contact with me, he agreed. He has never gone a day without speaking to me, he has not gone a day without telling me that he loves me. He has not stopped kissing me, or stopped making love to me, he has not stopped spending several nights a week with me. When she complained about his high phone bill with me, he told her to "add the number to my circle"... She slapped his wrist, that is a punishment he is willing to accept, over and over in order to still have me and still live at his house with his child. Don't make the same mistake.
Author KLmccaulley81 Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 I see that you say she is a "wicked vampire" followed by an almost forgiving sounding but i know this is ultimately on my husband." That concerns me, because it says to me you are looking at this as something she is the root cause of, and he is just a naughty little boy being led astray. As a former betrayed wife (betrayed more times than I am sure I will ever know about), and a current Other Woman (and no most affairs are not over quickly, I have been in my relationship with My Sweetheart for over three years..over a year EA and we recently celebrated 2 years since the begining of our PA.) I assure you that she did not seek out and "poach" your husband. He offered himself to her. She could not lead him astray unless he was already headed in that direction. Thinking otherwise is likely to lead you to be soft hearted towards him and allow him to reenter your life without doing the serious work he needs to do to earn his way back into your life. He is 100% at fault here. He knowingly and with knowledge of the pain it would cause you allowed himself to become emotionally attached to another woman. He is giving her his time, his affection and his devotion (hence his refusal to have sex with you.) He is sharing his most intimate thoughts with her, he is in all likelyhood sharing his penis with her, and he is sharing details about you and your children with her. Keep that in mind, and stand firm. Make him make the hard choices. make him earn the chance to be your husband and fulltime father to his children again. If you slap him on the wrist he will most certainly not let her go. There has been a D-day in my relationship. She has found proof of his continued relationship with me, she demanded that he cut off contact with me, he agreed. He has never gone a day without speaking to me, he has not gone a day without telling me that he loves me. He has not stopped kissing me, or stopped making love to me, he has not stopped spending several nights a week with me. When she complained about his high phone bill with me, he told her to "add the number to my circle"... She slapped his wrist, that is a punishment he is willing to accept, over and over in order to still have me and still live at his house with his child. Don't make the same mistake. I think you misunderstood me. I KNOW my husband is 100% at fault. I do know this. I still think she is a wicked vampira because of the fact that she has NO concern whatsoever for her part in this. She just doesn't care. I believe a good woman would NOT enter into an affair with a married man, no matter how messed up the marriage is. No offense to you, I'm not saying you are a "bad" woman but I dont agree with your choice to have an affair. But that is YOUR choice, obviously. I do NOT plan on giving him a "slap on the wrist". HELL NO. What I need is advice on what to do now that I am leaving. I still want to save my marriage. So, I need to know how to handle this being so far away from him. I will work on me, that is my first goal. I want the best for my kids as well. I truly believe that having a restored marriage and family will be best for them. Right now that is not possible. So, in order to break this affair...what can I do to help that along? I am already leaving. That is step one. What is step two?
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 Is there any hope for him to get his head out of his a$$ and realize what he is doing? Only if he leaves Cat behind forever, never communicates with her again, and comes to you to reconcile. He may well realize what he has done in under six months and be horrified by his actions. That will only happen if you leave, and take the children with you. He will likely deflect the blame onto Cat. When he can deflect the blame squarely where it belongs: on his shoulders, he will be ready to truly reconcile.
califnan Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 I join with everyone in my relief that you are leaving KL. It seemed to work out alright afterall. As he Knows you are leaving - and with no surprise.. and this will minimize any bitterness. I have no idea what the future holds, but it seems that with your loving him so much and Wanting the marriage to work .. I think the chances could be good for his return - at another time, when he gets himself right. Should he wish to be there at the time of birth, he still has that option.. But the Main thing is that you are doing what is best for your well-being and your children. Please stay in touch with us. And don't continue with him - Until there is a RESPECT for You - and the marriage... Please follow through with leaving..
lovelylove Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 KL, no my exh never returned... he's been with her for 8 years now and they are "happy" together. My children never forgave him... not for leaving, but for the cold way he has treated them since then... so sad, but they have me. I do believe you have a chance at getting your husband back, and I know you want that for the sake of your children. I know you want a family, like I did. A part of me wants that for you... but most of me wants you to stay away from the awfulness that is your husband, because from what you have written he is a selfish, horrible man. I know how hard it is to raise children as a single mom... but now that my kids are grown, the rewards are soooooo worth it. They now tell me that his leaving was the best thing that could have happened to them, and to me. My kids were older, preteens, when he left... I can't imagine if he'd left when they were babies, how hard it would have been! I feel for you!!! Thank God you have parents who care, and a place to go. I didn't, and had no one to lean on. I became very strong... and unfortunately jaded, and afraid of having a serious relationship again. I've lived in California, and have family in Iowa and let me tell you, Iowa is much much much better a place to raise children!! Keep us updated, we care about you and your boys, hang in there... someday you'll look back and be proud of yourself for making it through this rough time in your life! xoxoxoxo
califnan Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 KL, no my exh never returned... he's been with her for 8 years now and they are "happy" together. My children never forgave him... not for leaving, but for the cold way he has treated them since then... so sad, but they have me. I do believe you have a chance at getting your husband back, and I know you want that for the sake of your children. I know you want a family, like I did. A part of me wants that for you... but most of me wants you to stay away from the awfulness that is your husband, because from what you have written he is a selfish, horrible man. I know how hard it is to raise children as a single mom... but now that my kids are grown, the rewards are soooooo worth it. They now tell me that his leaving was the best thing that could have happened to them, and to me. My kids were older, preteens, when he left... I can't imagine if he'd left when they were babies, how hard it would have been! I feel for you!!! Thank God you have parents who care, and a place to go. I didn't, and had no one to lean on. I became very strong... and unfortunately jaded, and afraid of having a serious relationship again. I've lived in California, and have family in Iowa and let me tell you, Iowa is much much much better a place to raise children!! Keep us updated, we care about you and your boys, hang in there... someday you'll look back and be proud of yourself for making it through this rough time in your life! xoxoxoxo --------------------- Similar situation Lovely. I think my husband was a wonderful husband - and the Best father. But just before he left - he turned.. And before dying, the two (H & OW) jointly even had his only sons' share written out of my father-in-law's life estate. But at the End of the day ... far better to be on your own than living with the (obvious) enemy..
Author KLmccaulley81 Posted March 29, 2010 Author Posted March 29, 2010 Thank you all for your encouragement! Don't worry- I AM leaving. lol. No backing out now. Over $800 in plane tickets, I don't think my parents would be too happy if I backed out and they lost all that money! I am going to do the best I can. I will put my trust in God and hopefully my husband will see the truth of what he has done and come back to his family. And he must see that this is 100% on him and that in order to reconcile he will have to commit 100% to me and to restoring our marriage. We can overcome ANYTHING. I know he can overcome whatever from our past and that all it takes is a true change of the mind about how he sees things. Right now he is seeing all that bullsh*t because of his affair. Once he sees where he went wrong and stops the affair he will be able to see that what I have done is not nearly as bad as he makes it out to be. And if he wants to reconcile I will do it, but not without the hard work. Because I will have to go through counseling to get thru this whether he reconciles or not. Thank you again for all of your help. Everyone has truly helped me in some way. I will keep posting to let you all know what's going on and how we're doing.
freestyle Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 Counselling can be beneficial to you, considering the amount of pain you've experienced because of this............ .........but I think your H is going to need it even more so. Please don't be too quick to take him back, if you're going to consider reconciling someday............make sure his actions back his words.... and take your time about it.
Fallen Angel Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 I think you misunderstood me. I KNOW my husband is 100% at fault. I do know this. I still think she is a wicked vampira because of the fact that she has NO concern whatsoever for her part in this. She just doesn't care. I believe a good woman would NOT enter into an affair with a married man, no matter how messed up the marriage is. No offense to you, I'm not saying you are a "bad" woman but I dont agree with your choice to have an affair. But that is YOUR choice, obviously. I do NOT plan on giving him a "slap on the wrist". HELL NO. What I need is advice on what to do now that I am leaving. I still want to save my marriage. So, I need to know how to handle this being so far away from him. I will work on me, that is my first goal. I want the best for my kids as well. I truly believe that having a restored marriage and family will be best for them. Right now that is not possible. So, in order to break this affair...what can I do to help that along? I am already leaving. That is step one. What is step two? I have no advice for you on how to make him stop having an affair. I did everything in my power to try to get my now exhusband to quit having affairs. Most of his affairs were one night stands or "drunk weekend" affairs. But the one time it was more than that, all the crying and hoping and trying to be a better wife did nothing to stop the affair. As long as he saw that I was willing to stay married to him, he continued the affair. I took my son, I moved out, and I filed for divorce. After I moved he was very "remorseful", and the day they served him with divorce papers was the day he came back and literally got on his knees and begged me to take him back. He, of his own volition, called his OW and told her that he had made a mistake and that the thought that he could really lose me made him realize what a fool he had been. I was a sucker, and took him back. That was the biggest mistake I ever made. (I am glad I did though, as I was blessed with my three beautiful girls later, and I am forever grateful for that.) But had I known then what I know now, and if i could have somehow had my same children without him, I would have kicked him all the way down the flight of stairs he was kneeling on as he begged. I never made him do the work to fix what was broken. When I suggested we go to marriage counseling he went twice, then blew up when the counselor tried to get him to admit that he was at fault for things going wrong in our marriage. He never went back. I was stupid, and I thought I had a duty to my "family" to make it work. He became more abusive, he had many more affairs, he saw my accepting him back unconditionally as a weakness, and he exploited it. I would suggest you find a great counselor. I suggest you find a support group for BW in your area. (try a google search?) I suggest you tell your friends and family, so that you can call on them when you need to "borrow" some strength. I suggest you take it slow. I suggest you set conditions. I suggest you make yourself and your children the number one priority. I suggest you take some time to REALLY evaluate your marriage and decide if your reasons for wanting to stay are because you love him, or because you think it is the "right" thing to do. I suggest that you slow down, and just breathe awhile again. ((hugs to you)) Good Luck. Let your family take care of you (emotionally) for awhile, you will need it.
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