PhoenixRise Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Nothing has changed Your H said some things to you that he thought would get you off his back. But nothing has changed. You cheated early in the marriage and as far as he is concerned everything he is doing now is justified. The OW may be a manipulator, but she is not your real problem. Your real problem is that your Husband has checked out of the marriage and is deliberately feeding his relationship with this OW. How is it that a married man and a father of small children gets to hang out at bars til the wee hours of the morning? He gets to go hang out all night with another woman so he can relax while you are home with the children? Another week is not going to make a difference here. The only thing this will accomplish is that he will figure out a way to take this affair underground. If he cares enough to try to hide it (seems like he is putting it all in your face now) I know it is scary to be a mom with small children and another on the way and a husband having an affair. It is hard to know the right thing to do for yourself and your children. I think if you stay, you will have to come to peace (if you can) with this other relationship. He feels justified. There will be no consequences. It aint going away. But in the meantime YOU need to find a way to become self sufficient. If you need to get education or training, make it a priority to get it. If he is the only breadwinner he may feel that he has all the power and since you need him to provide you have no choice but to put up with his shoddy behavior. Did you ever see a lawyer to find out what you are entitled to in terms of alimony and child support? 1
freestyle Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 Here's links to the articles I suggested, for what it's worth. Maybe he'll open his eyes, maybe not.....but it's worth a shot.......... http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=7422518 http://www.articlesbase.com/marriage-articles/emotional-affair-have-you-entered-a-danger-zone-559643.html http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2005568/life_after_an_emotional_affair.html?cat=72 http://sexual-sanity.com/2010/01/guarding-against-emotional-affairs/ Print these off and leave them on the coffee table, (subtle, I know) I wish you my very best, whatever happens. ((((hugs))))
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 (edited) what do i do? Tell him that he has made his choice, and now you are making yours. Get on that plane, and then mail him divorce papers, along with that itemized list of expenses he will be paying for alimony and child support for the next 18 years. That will be a clear message, regardless of where he expects to 'hear' it from. You don't need a husband like this in your life, and your children do not need a father who models this sort of behavior. If he is telling you that your marriage is illegitimate, he is basically saying his children are bastards in the eyes of God. He has his head so far up his ass, he can't realize the amount of damage and insults he is piling on his own flesh and blood in favor of some stranger. The time for gentle-hearted saving is over. Time to fight now. I'd take down any bastard that insulted my child like that. he protects her A man who protects his mistress at the expense of his wife and OWN CHILDREN is no man at all. Time to shake his head out of his ass. HARD. Edited March 18, 2010 by LucreziaBorgia 1
2sunny Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 yeah he was out with her again last night. this time he texted me to let me know he would be with her. how nice. he thinks that is progress. when he got home i had all of our wedding pictures, cards and letters he had written me, jewerly, gifts, etc all bagged up and told him to throw it all away if i mean nothing to him. he wouldn't do it. but he still went into his old routine of telling me that just because he loves me doesn't mean he should be with me and that the past 9 years of his youth have been stolen from him by ME. all going back to all the stuff he has said that i did to him over the years. (i'm sure you know all of that from my previous posts) he says that he is still waiting for God to show him whether or not he should be with me. i assume this is all just gaslighting yet again. i asked him why he could be there for her and not for me when i'm almost 8 months pregnant and get no attention or help from him. he told me "well, i've been there for you for 9 years". he still denies having anything other than friendship with this woman. he protects her and says that she has done nothing wrong. she has never wronged him and that she has never done anything to offend me. WTF? obviously him admitting that this is his fault was not enough for him to realize it is WRONG. he still thinks he has done nothing wrong except cause me a little pain. and he thinks i'm supposed to suck it up and deal with this. i should not believe a word he says right. especially about cat. she must be the manipulator you believe her to be. what do i do? i hereby give YOU full permission on this day and this day only to play GOD! make the decision for him. kick him out now! HE has shown by his actions what the answer already is - now follow through with that - he is bonded to his OW much more than to you. even a baby on the way isn't bringing him around... in fact some immature men run from that responsibility and the fear that will bring to there lives. he's a wussy! a little boy turning his back on his real life - a life of responsibilities and obligations. he's showing you that he's not man enough to handle what real life is. that is never enough to sustain a healthy relationship... you need a real man - or at least to get rid of this weight of his little boy nature. cut him off - divorce him and give him full permission to go play in the sand box with his little friend. you will then be free to be happy - and eventually find a real man. tell him he's a little wussy boy in a man's body - seriously. and THAT is just being honest with him...
Author KLmccaulley81 Posted March 18, 2010 Author Posted March 18, 2010 Thank you all for your encouragement, your advice, and support! I am making my choice, NOW. I am leaving. I will not stay here for this charade he is putting on. I am so tired of it. He obviously has checked out of the relationship and the fact that he says he doesn't know if our marriage is valid or not is absolute bull****. He knows it. He thinks saying that "he's not sure" is somehow going to make me stay in order to "see" if the marriage is valid or not. He expects me to start over with him. meaning the first step is to see if we can get along and not fight. well, kind of hard to not fight when he is running around with his woman friend right. And he has made it perfectly clear that i cannot keep him from being close to her. he said that today. he also makes threats saying that i'll be dead to him if i leave and that our relationship will be over. well, i think right now the way he is acting i am already dead to him and he has no respect for our marriage or our relationship since he thinks i'm the big f*ck up and ruined his life. so i am leaving tomorrow night. i am done. i do not want a divorce but that is on him. i hope this gets his head out of his ass. he is obviously having an affair. 1
PhoenixRise Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 Thank you all for your encouragement, your advice, and support! I am making my choice, NOW. I am leaving. I will not stay here for this charade he is putting on. I am so tired of it. He obviously has checked out of the relationship and the fact that he says he doesn't know if our marriage is valid or not is absolute bull****. He knows it. He thinks saying that "he's not sure" is somehow going to make me stay in order to "see" if the marriage is valid or not. He expects me to start over with him. meaning the first step is to see if we can get along and not fight. well, kind of hard to not fight when he is running around with his woman friend right. And he has made it perfectly clear that i cannot keep him from being close to her. he said that today. he also makes threats saying that i'll be dead to him if i leave and that our relationship will be over. well, i think right now the way he is acting i am already dead to him and he has no respect for our marriage or our relationship since he thinks i'm the big f*ck up and ruined his life. so i am leaving tomorrow night. i am done. i do not want a divorce but that is on him. i hope this gets his head out of his ass. he is obviously having an affair. I see that you are fed up and making decision for your life. This is good. However, If you have not consulted a lawyer yet, you should do so BEFORE you go anywhere. Find out your rights. Find out what you are entitled to. Find out which actions you can take that will put you in the driver's seat legally. I know right now your concern is your feelings, your marriage. But please take the time to do the best think legally and financially for yourself and your children.
califnan Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 Thank you all for your encouragement, your advice, and support! I am making my choice, NOW. I am leaving. I will not stay here for this charade he is putting on. I am so tired of it. He obviously has checked out of the relationship and the fact that he says he doesn't know if our marriage is valid or not is absolute bull****. He knows it. He thinks saying that "he's not sure" is somehow going to make me stay in order to "see" if the marriage is valid or not. He expects me to start over with him. meaning the first step is to see if we can get along and not fight. well, kind of hard to not fight when he is running around with his woman friend right. And he has made it perfectly clear that i cannot keep him from being close to her. he said that today. he also makes threats saying that i'll be dead to him if i leave and that our relationship will be over. well, i think right now the way he is acting i am already dead to him and he has no respect for our marriage or our relationship since he thinks i'm the big f*ck up and ruined his life. so i am leaving tomorrow night. i am done. i do not want a divorce but that is on him. i hope this gets his head out of his ass. he is obviously having an affair. -------------------- Don't approach this as if it is supposed to cause him to change.. Do this because it is best for you at this time.. Also, and most importantly - try to leave without confrontation .. It would be good, if hopefully - you could leave Without telling him ..
Author KLmccaulley81 Posted March 18, 2010 Author Posted March 18, 2010 Nothing has changed Your H said some things to you that he thought would get you off his back. But nothing has changed. You cheated early in the marriage and as far as he is concerned everything he is doing now is justified. The OW may be a manipulator, but she is not your real problem. Your real problem is that your Husband has checked out of the marriage and is deliberately feeding his relationship with this OW. How is it that a married man and a father of small children gets to hang out at bars til the wee hours of the morning? He gets to go hang out all night with another woman so he can relax while you are home with the children? Another week is not going to make a difference here. The only thing this will accomplish is that he will figure out a way to take this affair underground. If he cares enough to try to hide it (seems like he is putting it all in your face now) I know it is scary to be a mom with small children and another on the way and a husband having an affair. It is hard to know the right thing to do for yourself and your children. I think if you stay, you will have to come to peace (if you can) with this other relationship. He feels justified. There will be no consequences. It aint going away. But in the meantime YOU need to find a way to become self sufficient. If you need to get education or training, make it a priority to get it. If he is the only breadwinner he may feel that he has all the power and since you need him to provide you have no choice but to put up with his shoddy behavior. Did you ever see a lawyer to find out what you are entitled to in terms of alimony and child support? Thank you for your opinion. I cannot come to peace with his relationship with this other woman. He constantly chooses her over me and lies to himself and to me about the truth of their relationship. He cannot use the one night stand against me (and really, i'd call it a less than one minute stand b/c it literally ended that quickly b/c i stopped it) because he forgave me and then moved forward with me and had children with me. Now he is using other stuff like saying I emotionally abused him for 9 years due to my controlling behavior and the fact that I wasn't always emotionally stable. He says I stole 9 years of his youth (referring to the information from college from before i was dating him that i just told him about a year ago) and this is the big reason he is saying that maybe God never wanted him to be with me and therefore our marriage might not even be valid. So all of this is craziness to me. He can really paint me to be the shrew wife he wants me to be, because that is what he needs me to be right now in order to justify his deeds with this other woman. The counselor I am talking to told me that he has seen this a lot and when someone starts using the past sins or mistakes like this they are just trying to take the heat off of themselves so they feel less guilty. Also, he is not hearing anything from God because God knows our marriage is valid. So I know that if I stay things will never change. Just like you said. My counselor said that as well. I cannot be here while he wno't even view me as his wife. My mom spoke to her lawyer friend and he said that I can leave without even telling him and I will not be in trouble. He also said he can help me with anything I need. I just hope I'm doing the right thing. I am very scared and I hate that I will be taking his sons away from him. It makes me cry. He has said that me leaving is being selfish. Well, I don't know how I am supposed to live here with him not being a real husband to me. He says i will be dead to him if i leave. i dont' see any other way to save our relationship unless i leave and give him time to figure out what he wants.
califnan Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 Read your last post.. Sounds like you are being taken care of by your family ... Later you will know that he was just trying to shift blame to you, as others say .. Try not to tell him of your plans to leave. That is easier said than done, because of your children - but it is a concern for your safety ..
Author KLmccaulley81 Posted March 19, 2010 Author Posted March 19, 2010 Okay, well I am a chicken ****. I had one chance to get the car seats out of his car while he was sleeping and he caught me doing it. He immediately knew why. So that started a discussion. Then he proceeded to tell me that if I left him right now it would not do what I think it's going to do and that he will see it as me leaving him at his weakest moment and abandoning him, as well as taking his sons from him and that he will most likely resent me and that there will be no hope for the relationship at all. I asked him how there was hope now? He keeps saying that we need to start over and to stop talking about the "marriage" and how a husband does this or a wife does that because he does not see a marriage and he said that his perception will not be changed right now unless God changes it. I asked him while crying of course how he could look at me and not see his wife. The wife who has been with him for 9 years and has supported him. Sure there has been hurtful things I've done and I have contributed to the pain and the damage that has been done. He said he doesn't see me and that is just what it is. I asked him how could I connect with him again if he is emotionally connected to Cat. He said taht I don't try and I don't give him anything but one word answers when he tries to talk to me. Well, I'm sorry, but he is the one who is distant and cold and says horrible things about us not really being married and the last 9 years being stolen from him. He feels he gave up all his dreams (not true because we changed our dreams to fit our family as we had children. he knew he couldn't be some hollywood actor and he didn't want to be. we had dreams to start our own theater and he is a musician and he never wanted to be on a record label. he did his own thing and i SUPPORTED him) but apparently he feels he gave up all his dreams and his youth for me and now he is bitter. he really honestly expects me to stay while he continues to talk to cat. he thinks that I can connect with him if i would just try. i have been trying! he is distant and cold to me half the time or more. once in awhile he'll tell me i'm beautiful or he'll touch me or say he loves me. but not very often. someone just tell me, he's in love with this woman is he not? why else would he be taking all of this stuff from the past and using it like he is? he claims that he is wounded. i could show you an email he wrote to me at the end of october, a month into him being gone. he said he did NOT regret marrying me and that he was GLAD he married me and that he loved me and couldn't wait for me to be in california with him. then in december he started becoming cold and distant. it got worse in january. december is when he started talking to cat a lot. and even more in january. then at the end of january is when he told me all this stuff about how he feels he was tricked into marrying me and that he never would have been with me had he known about the thing from college and how he feelsl ike a fool. yesterday he said that he still feels maybe God never intended for him to be in this relationship. so therefore he cannot see a marriage. this is just going to stay the same right. i know that is the truth. why is it so hard for me to leave. i love him, i guess that is why. i don't want him to throw me away like a piece of trash for this other woman. someone just tell me, is he in too deep with her to love me again right now? he has to be in deep because he is not at all willing to stop contact with her. he says that would be me "controlling" him and he will not deal with the ultimatum of him stopping with her and trying with me. i told him i would be there for him through whatever he's going through if only he would stop talking to her and to stop the relationship. he refuses. he says i have no right to do that. OKAY i know you all are sick of me repeating myself. i am SORRY. i am having a very hard time. i am so sad and i am so angry. just someone tell me the truth, the real truth. since he is not willing to give her up that means he most likely LOVES her correct? or has very strong feelings for her and no longer feels that way about me. how can this happen in such a short time? how can he blindside me with this after only 4 months of being apart? he claims he was lying to himself throughout our 9 years together. i don't believe that. he would have told me. he would have said what he felt if he truly felt that the marriage was in jeapordy. he claims he just "did what he had to do b/c it was right". he claims that he just forced himself to think the right way and to do the right thing by me. i don't believe that is completely true. he showed me such LOVE for a lot of those 9 years. sometimes we were not in a good place, but there was always love and committment. now they are both gone. atleast on his end. the fact that at the end of october he was telling me how much he loved me and that he was glad he married me and then at the end of january said he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me should say it all right? truthfully, is his head way too messed up for him to really look at things from a realistic viewpoint? is this just a waste of my time to stay here until baby comes? someone just beat me over the head with the truth. would he really be thinking of leaving me if this other woman were not involved? someone, please. tell me.
Author KLmccaulley81 Posted March 20, 2010 Author Posted March 20, 2010 Oh, this makes me so sad. You know, there have been several times I have awakened in the middle of the night, worrying about your situation. That being said, you are not a chickensh/t. He saw you leaving, and stepped up the manipulation and gaslighting. Step back. Nothing's really changed. He still isn't willing to give up his "whatever" with Cat. He still wants you to just accept it. He's still using excuses and accusations to get you to accept it. I'm curious about one thing: is it possible at all that he could have known her before he moved to California? Even online? Maybe nothing, but you said he worked at a gym, and there's lots of gyms between the Midwest where you're from and California. So why California? What brought him there? I don't mean to be alarmist, but it was just a question in my mind. Back to the question at hand: yes, his head is too far up his own ass-end. It's very emotional in the very least, and most likely physical. You know his arguements about trying in the marriage, etc is crap. It's gaslighting. If you're not really married, his children are bastards, right? Not even. Nothing has changed my dear. Nothing. He's blaming you for his affair, and using stupid excuses to keep it going. He just now wants to be able to do it under your nose instead of behind your back. Nothing has changed. Unless you take back your power, nothing will change. Get those car seats out. Go to home your family. Let him miss his for awhile. You are a kind person and I am taken aback that you would be so concerned for me. I am glad there are people like you in the world. I have needed support and I have gotten that from people like you, here in the forum. Also from my family and my close friends. Okay, I know what I need to do. I really do. One question....should I contact this woman before I make the move? Should I just ask her very politely how close she is to my husband and try to get some information from her? Or is that a bad idea? I am so scared. So so scared. I hate the idea of losing my husband. But I suppose I already have, atleast for now. He is not here with me. He has left me in his heart.
Author KLmccaulley81 Posted March 20, 2010 Author Posted March 20, 2010 You are a kind person and I am taken aback that you would be so concerned for me. I am glad there are people like you in the world. I have needed support and I have gotten that from people like you, here in the forum. Also from my family and my close friends. Okay, I know what I need to do. I really do. One question....should I contact this woman before I make the move? Should I just ask her very politely how close she is to my husband and try to get some information from her? Or is that a bad idea? I am so scared. So so scared. I hate the idea of losing my husband. But I suppose I already have, atleast for now. He is not here with me. He has left me in his heart. oh, and another thing...about him knowing her beforehand. not a chance. he didn't know anyone at the gym until he got the job.he was also applying at other gyms as well but they didn't pay as much. that is why he chose to go interview at that particular gym. she helped him and took him under his wing and showed him how to build his clientele. that is how the relationship started. he claims she was "there for him" during the hardest time of his life and that she was his "best friend" while i was in iowa. f*ck this i am so done. sorry for the language but i am mad as hell.
califnan Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 I am dissappointed that you didn't make a break for it! I have no idea if he loves her - or even if he is sleeping with her .. The man is supposed to Love and Cherish You .. Not show indifference to you .. He doesn't want ultimatums or be told what to do .. then he needs to live in his own little world .. It would be good if you and your children went back to Iowa - until he sorted things out .. Why should you be put through this display of his bringing another woman into your marriage ..
2sunny Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 you have every right to be mad as hell! he is still offering you less than nothing and expecting you to be happy with that. that isn't enough. not for ANYONE. why would he expect that to be enough for his wife. i wouldn't have any more conversations with him - i'd be soooo gone. anything he says is designed to make you feel so bad that you will stay. stay and be abused. his emotional and mental abuse is tough to recover from. leave. and i mean now.
LifesontheUp Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 (edited) ok, thanks for clearing that up about him not knowing her beforehand. You SHOULD be mad as hell! His behavior has been beyond cruel. Please go home to Iowa. Your baby needs to be brought into this world surrounded by love and family and positive people who will welcome it and love it. You don't need the drama, and neither does your baby. ^^^^ this His behaviour towards you is despicable. Each time you post it becomes clearer and clearer how much of a selfish and manipulative creep he is. You need to be around people that love you and your kids. Why not make the break and go home to Iowa and see how it goes. You are in a toxic environment and a break away should help. Don't listen to his lies and manipulation, do it for you and your kids. Edited March 20, 2010 by LifesontheUp spelling 1
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 (edited) His behavior is bordering on abuse. I can't believe the crap coming out of his mouth, and furthermore can't believe that he expects you to eat it up with a silver spoon. One question....should I contact this woman before I make the move? Should I just ask her very politely how close she is to my husband and try to get some information from her? Or is that a bad idea? Under no circumstances should you talk to her at this point. As long as the affair is going on, and he is with her at your expense she is going to say and do whatever will keep the affair going. Remember this: SHE DOES NOT GIVE A RATS ASS ABOUT YOU. You are the obstacle standing in the way of her being with 'her' man full time. She knows that telling the 'truth' will only damage her relationship with MM, and hurt him - so, she would rather lie to you instead. The affair mantra is "lie, lie, lie, deny, deny, deny". It is a terrible idea to talk to her. The only way you will get anything close to the truth is if your H decides he legitimately wants to dump her, and cuts her off. She will be more than willing to tell the truth then. Until then, you cannot trust anything she says, and that goes double for the man who claims to be your husband. As long as your husband thinks you want to stay married to him, he will continue the affair. Only when you leave, take your children and show him that you REFUSE to stay married to a man who is cheating will he consider stopping. He won't stop for altruist reasons. He will only stop when he sees that continuing will cause him to lose everything, and I do mean everything. I'd go with the most draconian settlement you can get. If you do decide to reconcile, there will have to be a NO COMPROMISE agreement to move away from that place, and that any contact no matter how slight will result in immediate divorce. Edited March 20, 2010 by LucreziaBorgia 1
PhoenixRise Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 Thank you for your opinion. I cannot come to peace with his relationship with this other woman. He constantly chooses her over me and lies to himself and to me about the truth of their relationship. He cannot use the one night stand against me (and really, i'd call it a less than one minute stand b/c it literally ended that quickly b/c i stopped it) because he forgave me and then moved forward with me and had children with me. Now he is using other stuff like saying I emotionally abused him for 9 years due to my controlling behavior and the fact that I wasn't always emotionally stable. He says I stole 9 years of his youth (referring to the information from college from before i was dating him that i just told him about a year ago) and this is the big reason he is saying that maybe God never wanted him to be with me and therefore our marriage might not even be valid. So all of this is craziness to me. He can really paint me to be the shrew wife he wants me to be, because that is what he needs me to be right now in order to justify his deeds with this other woman. The counselor I am talking to told me that he has seen this a lot and when someone starts using the past sins or mistakes like this they are just trying to take the heat off of themselves so they feel less guilty. Also, he is not hearing anything from God because God knows our marriage is valid. So I know that if I stay things will never change. Just like you said. My counselor said that as well. I cannot be here while he wno't even view me as his wife. My mom spoke to her lawyer friend and he said that I can leave without even telling him and I will not be in trouble. He also said he can help me with anything I need. I just hope I'm doing the right thing. I am very scared and I hate that I will be taking his sons away from him. It makes me cry. He has said that me leaving is being selfish. Well, I don't know how I am supposed to live here with him not being a real husband to me. He says i will be dead to him if i leave. i dont' see any other way to save our relationship unless i leave and give him time to figure out what he wants. This must be so hard for you right now. I left my husband and moved far away after his affair came to light. We have 1 small child. It broke my heart because it felt like I was taking our child away from him and I worried about harming THEIR relationship. I also get it that you can't stay if he is not respecting you as his wife. You are not the one being selfish. Your husband right now wants all the benefits of having a wife without any of the responsibilities. Your You have to do the best thing for yourself and you will be sending a message to your sons that treating a woman this way is unacceptable. I know this is hard. It takes buckets of courage to do what you are doing. I wish you the best.
califnan Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 ^^^^ this His behaviour towards you is despicable. Each time you post it becomes clearer and clearer how much of a selfish and manipulative creep he is. You need to be around people that love you and your kids. Why not make the break and go home to Iowa and see how it goes. You are in a toxic environment and a break away should help. Don't listen to his lies and manipulation, do it for you and your kids. ----------------------- I agree totally. And he is trying to blame you for his actions, or lack of - If he is not involved physically with the cat - He is Still acting as if he has mental illness..
BlueeyedJonesy Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 KL- I am so sorry that your in a situation. You need to walk away from his sorry ass.. and let that homewrecker have him. You deserve so much better. He is gaslighting you...I'm sure you already know this..I hope you find peace soon. didn't you say that your are fixing to have another baby? do you have family and support somewhere else..because this stress isn't good for you. maybe you leaving will open his eyes. Good luck girl, let us know how you are doing.
PhoenixRise Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 Ok I just read your last post. Your husband is gaslighting the hell out of you. He is putting the blame on you for his horrid behavior and he is blaming you for the consequences he would face as a result. Him telling you that he does not and can not see you as his wife (until God tells him different) and at the same time telling you that you will be dead to him if you leave and he will consider it abandonment is the height of manipulation and emotional abuse. What does he want, for you to date him and allow him to date others and you can just hope he will chose you???? Usually I would advise a wife to contact the OW if she wants to. But in this case I agree with the poster who said this OW is more likely to either lie to you to protect him or deliberately try to hurt you to drive you away. I don't think you are going to get any truth from her.
Bubblicious Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 Hi I know that must be a really tough situation for you. Have a look at this article on my blog about what actually counts as cheating. http://www.infidelity.spysupermarket.co.uk/?p=19 He is wrong to bring this up 7 years on and it's really unfair on you. He probably is getting something out of his 'friendship' with Cat and that is affecting his relationship with you. It's emotional infidelity and you need to tell him how it makes you feel. He clearly never got over what happened all those years ago and maybe he can talk to Cat about it as she is objective. Sometimes it's easier to talk to a third party about the problems. You need to encourage him to talk to you about what happened and lay it to rest. Maybe then you can resolve your situation and he will be less likely to have so much to do with her.
salsal Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 hi, I totally feel for you, I am 45 and my husband is 51. 2 years ago I discovered that he is having an emotional affair with a 26 year old colleague of ours , he sent her 200 texts and called her 100 times in one month , I could not believe this was happening to me as I had blind trust in him and thought he will never even think of another woman but me . I confronted him , he was very emotional and upset saying they were only friends , but he said that he admitts he was getting infatuated by her and that if he continued talking to her the relationship would have become more serious .he apologised and expected me to just forget the whole issue as if it never happened, just because he said that he never actually slept with her. it has now been 2 years and I am still not over it , I think an emotional affair is more harmful and destructive than a one night stand . I do not know what o do anymore , I just cant forgive and forget , I would give anyting to know what was in those texts and phone calls.
Author KLmccaulley81 Posted March 21, 2010 Author Posted March 21, 2010 Still no idea why I am here. I told him yet again that this needs to stop and needs to right now. I told him he is either in love with her and sleeping with her now or he will be soon. I asked why he couldn't give her up. He said that he maybe should go to individual counseling because he doesn't know. I asked him if that meant he would be trying to get justification for divorcing me and being with her. He said no. But who knows. Like you all have said, I can't trust one word that comes out of his mouth. I still can't leave. I get myself worked up to the point where I'm so ready to go and that is usually after he has been out with her at night or talking to her on the phone for a long period of time. It's obvious I've been on an emotional rollercoaster. Even if he did stop talking to her would he ever be honest with me about the true nature of their relationship? He expects me to be able to stay here and "work on it" or "try" for our (in his eyes) "one last shot at our relationship" (which is actually a MARRIAGE so wtf is "one last shot".) while he continues to have his "friend" who he talks to whenever he wants and goes out with whenever he wants. He says that he never said he would continue to do those things but that I cannot be the one to tell him to stop. His defense for that is that I "controlled" him for 9 years therefore I will have no say in what he does now. He's like a rebellious teenager who thinks they've been wronged for so long that now they have the right to do whatever the EFF they want without any consequences. And I guess I'm not giving him any consequences as of now. All he sees is me "hounding" him about stopping his relationship with this woman. The one and only reason I find it hard to leave right now is because I do not want him to miss the birth of his 3rd son. That is what is breaking my heart besides him basically telling me he might very well leave my ass and throw it all away. The baby is basically my reasoning for staying. Maybe it's also the hope I'm holding onto that he will wake up and see what he will lose when he sees his baby. But maybe that is foolish of me. I told him I see myself at home by myself, late at night , feeding the baby while he is at the bar with Cat and most likely screwing her b/c by that time if they haven't been physical yet they will be by then. He said that is not what he sees. And he keeps talking about the baby is coming and things have to be different and blah blah. Then he picks out a name that means "God has healed". (Raphael) So I wonder what that means as well. I also told him I am not willing to let my husband go and that I will fight til the death because I refuse to allow my children to be a product of a broken family. I told him I pray to God to restore our marriage and that God is bigger than him and his selfish ways but if he still chooses to follow his own selfishness then it will be on him if our kids suffer from their dad being gone. This is so serious to me. His father did this to his mother. He left her with 3 boys, my husband being the youngest and 2 years old when his dad left. He did the same thing to another woman. Had two kids with her and left. Now he is with a new woman. I do not want to see my husband go down the same path. Part of me is scared also that if I leave he will grow an even stronger attachment to this woman and completely forget about his wife and boys. So that part of me that wants to stay is saying that maybe if I'm here he will stop talking to that woman and focus on me and the boys and the new baby that is coming. I don't know. This is a rock and a hard place. I know the rules for people having an affair: lie lie lie and deny deny deny. He denies an affair. At the very LEAST this is a very inappropriate friendship. At the very WORST he is banging her and in love with her. I think he is somewhere in between but very close to being physical with her. (the reason I think this is because i have no physical evidence such as weird smells or him doing his own laundry, taking more showers than usual....that stuff. he is not displaying any of those signs.) well, anyway. that is the update. chicken **** in california. i guess that's me. stuck at the crossroads. which way to go.
califnan Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 I think you are taking too much of this Burden on yourself - and Carrying too much .. You cannot change or Control your husband .. You can leave it to God .. Give him to God .. But you must take the burden off of yourself.. I don't know if seeing his third son - will change your husband .. I don't know that anything you say - will change him .. He is the type who Hates being told what to do - and will fight it (or continue to make excuses) and without acting as if he respects your wishes. You have the choice of staying with him, and hoping things will get better - or removing yourself and children - to Iowa, so you will not have to watch.. So you will not have to endure the rejection - with "Cat" in the picture ..
Recommended Posts