2sunny Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 he has all the money. he only gives me cash. i have a bank account in iowa but he is on that one as well. i would have to leave, but he tells me to go if i want to and that it will all be my fault if our family breaks up. he says it will be all on me. i'm going to be gathering evidence, any evidence i can find and when i have it i'm going to confront him one last time. when he lies i will show him the truth. then i will ask him what he wants. then i will leave. and if wants me back he will have to show true remorse and horror at what he has done and he will have to win me back. don't let him play this game with you. do not allow him to blame you at all! take your power back and take a firm stance! he will only continue until you make things different for him. find a way to get some money. pack his bag and tell him it's by the front door. he has made it clear that he has chosen the OW over your M - so show him what life looks like without a W and family. this sends a clear message. how convenient of him to hold the money... grrrr this is not a good sign. does he tell you what he spends all the money earned on?
Author KLmccaulley81 Posted March 7, 2010 Author Posted March 7, 2010 don't let him play this game with you. do not allow him to blame you at all! take your power back and take a firm stance! he will only continue until you make things different for him. find a way to get some money. pack his bag and tell him it's by the front door. he has made it clear that he has chosen the OW over your M - so show him what life looks like without a W and family. this sends a clear message. how convenient of him to hold the money... grrrr this is not a good sign. does he tell you what he spends all the money earned on? no he doesn't tell me where all the money goes. sometimes he has cash from withdrawals he has made and i know some of that goes to things for the boys but i don't know where the rest of it goes. i can check our debit card online to see how and where he is using it. other than that i haven't a clue. lately he has been saying "i love you" a lot and looking at me weird and then saying it again. i think it's his guilt. he still last night swears that his emotional distance and non loving attitude is because of his "crisis" that he says I helped create. (you know all that stuff...about the past and the one night stand and the disrespect and blah blah blah.) let me ask you this. when he tells me he just needs time to sort out and process his feelings about our marriage what does that really mean? does it really mean he is "sorting out" his feelings about the OW and me? trying to decide which life would be better? ugh, this is so draining for me. i'm going to spy on his cell phone. i ordered the software. now i just need to get a usb cable to hook up my phone and download it. this will probably give me tons of information that i'm in the dark about. i mean, i know it in my heart but my mind would like to see the evidence. it would be true closure about this. then i could make a decision with knowing i had the hard facts as well as the intuition. what do u think?
califnan Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 No - he is not a Christian - just making it up as he goes along .. I have seen and heard some of your signs: saying that you are the the one who is wrong (to justify his deeds), acting as if you are "crazy", acting like the OW and he are just friends, bringing up insignificant things from the past .. And an abnormal interest in your past - three babies later .. I am with some of the other readers: Finances are so important for a woman in your position with almost three little ones.. Seeing an attorney to understand your rights and spousal, child support is very important .. Discovery isn't as important .. He has lied about every single aspect so far - regarding his relationship with Cat - until you proved otherwise to him .. Bottom line is, he is questioning your marriage covenant - and verbally abusing you .. and flaunting the other woman at you, bringing her into Your marriage - and saying things like she will not be as important if you show more love, etc .. Purely ridiculous.. The thing that concerns me most is the fact that you are about seven months pregnant, and I don't think this is a good time for a confrontation - because he is acting radical and disrespectful with his comments.. I would definitely see an attorney, and not show your husband your cards just yet ..
LakesideDream Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 What a complete Jerk. LB's advise on the first page is right on. You husband isn't "Man" yet. His whine line about secrets before you two were together is just horse pish. Start thinking about cutting this crud dud loose and starting fresh... with as much money and support as you can squeeze out of him :bunny:
freestyle Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 OP, First of all, I'm so sorry for the pain your going through...(((hugs))) But, I'm going to be very direct here. It's time for you to play hardball. To protect not only yourself, but your kids as well.(get in touch with your Inner Mama Bear, who will protect her cubs, no matter what. GRRRR!!!) Your H is duping you.His behavior is abusive, on many levels, and treacherous. Sometimes the only way to combat treachery is with greater treachery. (to catch a fox, you must think like a fox) You need to decide whether or not you wish to salvage your M. But you can't make an informed decision, when information is being deliberately withheld. 1. Follow LB's sound advice about the draconian divorce settlement, meet with a lawyer, and get the figures. 2. Continue gathering evidence---emails, text messages, phone records, and especially bank statements. (if he is spending marital funds on the OW, in some states, you may be able to sue for the loss of those funds.It depends on where you live.) 3.This is very important:make duplicate copies of all evidence you collect, and leave some copies with a trusted friend or relative--Don't store everything at home......... 4.Play dumb---don't act suspicious--do NOT confront him any further--(as Califan said, don't show your H your cards yet.) Your WH may be lulled into a false sense of security, so he won't work as hard to cover his tracks. (leave him enough rope................)This will make it easier for you to acquire substantial evidence. yes, I realize this is deceptive, but you're fighting deception.Do you really expect him to be forthcoming and truthful with you at this point?He's basically shown utter contempt for your feelings, and emotional well-being. He even shook a verbal fist at you when he said, "there'll be hell to pay " if you try to divorce him. He threatened you!! That tells me right there, that he will NOT play fair if it comes to divorce. You need the truth. 5.Painful as it may be,prepare yourself mentally to be on your own--start thinking about career possibities and/or further education. It will give you a sense of being empowered, and will help hold back the despair that I can see you're feeling. Bottom line--it's time get informed and get your ducks in a row.Knowledge (and evidence) is power. And make your decision. I wish you my very best.Post here as much as you need for advice and emotional support.
califnan Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 OP, First of all, I'm so sorry for the pain your going through...(((hugs))) But, I'm going to be very direct here. It's time for you to play hardball. To protect not only yourself, but your kids as well.(get in touch with your Inner Mama Bear, who will protect her cubs, no matter what. GRRRR!!!) Your H is duping you.His behavior is abusive, on many levels, and treacherous. Sometimes the only way to combat treachery is with greater treachery. (to catch a fox, you must think like a fox) You need to decide whether or not you wish to salvage your M. But you can't make an informed decision, when information is being deliberately withheld. 1. Follow LB's sound advice about the draconian divorce settlement, meet with a lawyer, and get the figures. 2. Continue gathering evidence---emails, text messages, phone records, and especially bank statements. (if he is spending marital funds on the OW, in some states, you may be able to sue for the loss of those funds.It depends on where you live.) 3.This is very important:make duplicate copies of all evidence you collect, and leave some copies with a trusted friend or relative--Don't store everything at home......... 4.Play dumb---don't act suspicious--do NOT confront him any further--(as Califan said, don't show your H your cards yet.) Your WH may be lulled into a false sense of security, so he won't work as hard to cover his tracks. (leave him enough rope................)This will make it easier for you to acquire substantial evidence. yes, I realize this is deceptive, but you're fighting deception.Do you really expect him to be forthcoming and truthful with you at this point?He's basically shown utter contempt for your feelings, and emotional well-being. He even shook a verbal fist at you when he said, "there'll be hell to pay " if you try to divorce him. He threatened you!! That tells me right there, that he will NOT play fair if it comes to divorce. You need the truth. 5.Painful as it may be,prepare yourself mentally to be on your own--start thinking about career possibities and/or further education. It will give you a sense of being empowered, and will help hold back the despair that I can see you're feeling. Bottom line--it's time get informed and get your ducks in a row.Knowledge (and evidence) is power. And make your decision. I wish you my very best.Post here as much as you need for advice and emotional support. I am in full agreement ... Prepare, prepare in advance with all of the above.. and to not show your hand, until everything is in order with assets, bankstatements, paystubs, etc .. Try not to say anything about divorce or leaving, so he will not try to hide assets.. 1
Author KLmccaulley81 Posted March 8, 2010 Author Posted March 8, 2010 Thank you everyone for your advice. I am taking it all very seriously. I want to do what I have to do in order to SAVE my marriage. Ultimately, it will be up to him. I will do all I can do in order to work this out. Even if it means playing hardball. Let me ask you all this. Last night he got home 3 hours late and had an excuse about a traffic accident on the road he was supposed to take. So he was just sitting around at the gym (where he works) and Cat (the OW) comes up and asks him to go across the street and get a bite to eat. He said he went. Then after they ate she left and he says he went for a walk to clear his head and then saw that the accident had been cleaned up so he came home. Now, I'm pretty much assuming this is complete horse****. I told him if he wants her so much then he can just have her and I'll be in Iowa with our sons waiting patiently for him to get a grip and come back to reality. He didn't respond how I thought he would. Instead of being defensive and rude he was acting compassionate and kind. Telling me I have nothing to worry about regarding this woman and that he's not trying to hurt me. He says he wants me to stay and not just because of the kids but because he loves me and that he doesn't want a divorce and he's not thinking about divorcing me. WOW. This is bull**** isn't it. He's just telling me this **** so I will stick around and play his game right? Well, I'll play his stupid game. I'm getting better at it. He has NO CLUE that I am gathering what evidence I can against him. NO CLUE. I am giving him everything he wants. I talk to him, I still say I love you, I cook for him, I do all sorts of loving things. (all the while wanting to puke half the time) I just got a cell phone activated and he was like "when did you do that?" "i thought you didn't want a cell phone?" "why do you need a cell phone?" AHAHAHAHA. what is he so scared about? why does he care so much if i have a cell phone? HAHA. And i'm not acting depressed or weepy around him at all. i go out with new friends i've made and he is very very confused. i'm always doing something and making sure i'm on top of my school work. well, i think he is getting scared. i really think he knows i'm gaining independence and that i can walk out any time i like. what do you think?
califnan Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 You've got it ! You are getting Stronger.. so He is backing down .. Don't forget the alternate plan .. I know you wish to save your marriage, which is fine .. But be sure to keep yourself familiarized with the family finances / assets .. Also, being about seven months pregnant, I know it isn't a good time for a confrontation anyway ... Just continue to keep yours ears / eyes open ..
freestyle Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 One more thing to drive a point home----if she's such a good "friend" to him, then she would be extending her friendship to the entire family. There would be zero discomfort in bringing her home to have dinner with everyone, if everything was truly on the up-and-up. When you eventually do confront him, I believe that would be a good way to get the point across to your H, ask him why he hasn't brought her to meet everyone.....and watch him stammer. I realize you wish to save your M, but I'd still recommend preparing yourself emotionally (as much as you can) as well as practically.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 Last night he got home 3 hours late and had an excuse about a traffic accident on the road he was supposed to take. So he was just sitting around at the gym (where he works) and Cat (the OW) comes up and asks him to go across the street and get a bite to eat. He said he went. Then after they ate she left and he says he went for a walk to clear his head and then saw that the accident had been cleaned up so he came home. That is absolutely insulting that he would think you would believe something like that. He didn't respond how I thought he would. Instead of being defensive and rude he was acting compassionate and kind. Telling me I have nothing to worry about regarding this woman and that he's not trying to hurt me. He says he wants me to stay and not just because of the kids but because he loves me and that he doesn't want a divorce and he's not thinking about divorcing me. He knows which buttons to push and how to push them, that's for sure. The twisted thing? He is likely being truthful about this, but leaving out one important detail: that he is sexually involved with this woman that you have 'nothing to worry about'. In his mind, he isn't going to leave so in his mind, it isn't really lying - just leaving out a hurtful thing, right? What a card this guy is. Textbook, just textbook. He has NO CLUE that I am gathering what evidence I can against him. NO CLUE. The more you keep it this way, the more you will find out. Last night he got home 3 hours late and had an excuse about a traffic accident on the road he was supposed to take. That is an easy one. Document the time he said it happened and call your local police station about it. Tell them you have a question about 'x' accident that occurred on 'x' road at 'x' time. Put what you find in a well documented and well hidden place: dates, times, etc. 1
PhoenixRise Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 One more thing to drive a point home----if she's such a good "friend" to him, then she would be extending her friendship to the entire family. There would be zero discomfort in bringing her home to have dinner with everyone, if everything was truly on the up-and-up. When you eventually do confront him, I believe that would be a good way to get the point across to your H, ask him why he hasn't brought her to meet everyone.....and watch him stammer. I realize you wish to save your M, but I'd still recommend preparing yourself emotionally (as much as you can) as well as practically. In fact, if you can muster the stomach for it..... Since your H is now being so sweet. Tell him you feel bad for misunderstanding his relationship with his good friend Kat. Tell him that if Kat was such a great help to him before you could join him in California you would probably like her very much. Tell him if she is important to him, she is important to you. Tell him you want to meet her. Suggest a time to have her over to dinner.
onedayatatyme Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 He is gaslighting. What he is doing to you is exactly what my W is doing to me. She had an affair and used all kinds of crap to say that I basically asked for it. She cited things that I did 8 years ago while we were engaged. None of which could hold a candle to an EA or PA, but she used it anyway. Your H is doing the same thing with this junk about the guy in college. That guy and whatever happened with him has no bearing on the marriage. I exposed my wife's affair to her family when she continued it after swearing to break off contact. That helped alot. If his family is a strong Christian family, exposing it to his family might help too. Only you will know for sure. In my case, my wife's family was disgusted by her behavior and they are all in my corner. Exposing the affair also took the luster and romance out of that situation to the point that I do believe the caontact has really been broken off now.
onedayatatyme Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 One more thing to drive a point home----if she's such a good "friend" to him, then she would be extending her friendship to the entire family. There would be zero discomfort in bringing her home to have dinner with everyone, if everything was truly on the up-and-up. Exactly right. This is one of the points I've made to my cheater wife. She shouldn't have any friends who aren't friends of mine. If we're really a team and partners 100%, there should be nobody (male or female) that she has a problem introducing me to and letting me talk to. 1
Author KLmccaulley81 Posted March 8, 2010 Author Posted March 8, 2010 I agree. I think his reaction would be very telling. I also wonder if Cat didn't dump him or give him an ultimatum over dinner. The "clearing his head", "I love you, don't want to divorce you", etc seems like too much of a change of heart all of the sudden to me. Makes me wonder if it won't resolve itself until the next "Cat" comes along. Either way, please continue working on gaining more independence. Regardless of what happens in your marriage, more education and independence will always help you. well, i've asked to meet cat and he says it is not a good idea right now. i asked why. he says because he told her how i thought that there was something going on betweent them. so he says that it would be too uncomfortable right now for us to meet. that's crap right. God i just want him to be freaking honest. this is such bull****. i'm not allowing myself to be sad right now i'm just mad as hell.
onedayatatyme Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 well, i've asked to meet cat and he says it is not a good idea right now. i asked why. he says because he told her how i thought that there was something going on betweent them. so he says that it would be too uncomfortable right now for us to meet. that's crap right. God i just want him to be freaking honest. this is such bull****. i'm not allowing myself to be sad right now i'm just mad as hell. Yes, it's crap. He needs to either cut off all ties with Cat or prove they have nothing to hide by inviting you into the friendship. Totally innapropriate for him to have a friendship with a woman and you are not welcome into that relationship. If you're not welcome, it's something other than a friendship.
Author KLmccaulley81 Posted March 8, 2010 Author Posted March 8, 2010 He is gaslighting. What he is doing to you is exactly what my W is doing to me. She had an affair and used all kinds of crap to say that I basically asked for it. She cited things that I did 8 years ago while we were engaged. None of which could hold a candle to an EA or PA, but she used it anyway. Your H is doing the same thing with this junk about the guy in college. That guy and whatever happened with him has no bearing on the marriage. I exposed my wife's affair to her family when she continued it after swearing to break off contact. That helped alot. If his family is a strong Christian family, exposing it to his family might help too. Only you will know for sure. In my case, my wife's family was disgusted by her behavior and they are all in my corner. Exposing the affair also took the luster and romance out of that situation to the point that I do believe the caontact has really been broken off now. i am sorry to hear about what your wife has done. i guess you and i are in the same boat. and it sucks. i have told his mother and she told others in the family. they are very upset with him. he knows i told them and he says all he has to do is tell them everything i've done and then they would understand why he has a "friend" and why he is questioning the marriage. wtf. i had that one night stand while drunk very early in our marriage and that is history. it was god awful, i felt terrible, i was remorseful and he forgave me. i've never done anything like that ever again. i've never gotten close to another man in an inappropriate way either emotionally or physically. the other marital problems we have are not reasons for a divorce. they need to be worked out. but they won't get worked out if he's in the affair fog and is telling me he's not doing anything wrong. he says as long as he's not screwing her then there is nothing wrong with what he is doing. and he tells me that i don't need to know everything about their relationship because our marriage is not where it should be and might not be "valid" so therefore he doesn't have to tell me anything as long as he's not boning her. that is VERY suspicious, is it not? what a joke. and he was out with her the other night to get something to eat. i told him it's me or her and i'll be in iowa waiting for you to come to your damn senses. then he starts being all loving and telling me i have nothing to worry about. telling me he loves me and that he's not even thinking about a divorce. he's jsut taking it one day at at time. taht's what he said. sounds like he's stringin me along until he figures out if he wants this stupid whore or not. right.
carhill Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 Yeah, my EA 'partner', her BF, my stbx and myself had dinner three times, along with other social contact, both out and in our home. Stbx and BF could watch us interact and decide for themselves what was 'going on'. Your H has a vested interest in that not happening, essentially his noodle shriveling up and drying out. Otherwise, if she's just a 'friend', even if it's an inappropriate friendship like ours was, there should be no obstacles. Ask him when a good time to file for divorce is..... you know, boundaries
califnan Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 i am sorry to hear about what your wife has done. i guess you and i are in the same boat. and it sucks. i have told his mother and she told others in the family. they are very upset with him. he knows i told them and he says all he has to do is tell them everything i've done and then they would understand why he has a "friend" and why he is questioning the marriage. wtf. i had that one night stand while drunk very early in our marriage and that is history. it was god awful, i felt KL .. I have been under the impression that the "one night stand" was before the marriage... If it was during the marriage, then I can understand why he is so angry, and why you wish for the marriage to be as it was.. I have no idea his true relationship with the cat person, except for speculating .. Was the one night stand before, or during your marriage ?
Author KLmccaulley81 Posted March 8, 2010 Author Posted March 8, 2010 i am sorry to hear about what your wife has done. i guess you and i are in the same boat. and it sucks. i have told his mother and she told others in the family. they are very upset with him. he knows i told them and he says all he has to do is tell them everything i've done and then they would understand why he has a "friend" and why he is questioning the marriage. wtf. i had that one night stand while drunk very early in our marriage and that is history. it was god awful, i felt KL .. I have been under the impression that the "one night stand" was before the marriage... If it was during the marriage, then I can understand why he is so angry, and why you wish for the marriage to be as it was.. I have no idea his true relationship with the cat person, except for speculating .. Was the one night stand before, or during your marriage ? it was during our marriage, very early on. but he had forgiven me and we had moved forward. i don't think it's fair to bring up past stuff and then use that against me now. he said he had forgiven me and wanted to move on and wanted to be my husband. but he isn't even really bringing that up, he's talking more about the stuff from college and all the fights we've had.
califnan Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 it was during our marriage, very early on. but he had forgiven me and we had moved forward. i don't think it's fair to bring up past stuff and then use that against me now. he said he had forgiven me and wanted to move on and wanted to be my husband. but he isn't even really bringing that up, he's talking more about the stuff from college and all the fights we've had. Thanks for the clarification KL .. Somehow it mattered more to me the diff between before or during the marriage for the one night stand .. Just continue as you have been .. and with the advice of others on here ..
Author KLmccaulley81 Posted March 17, 2010 Author Posted March 17, 2010 just an update on the situation. well, since i last posted he has been out to the bar with her after work one time and didn't get home until 1am. he said that there was too much "drama" at home and that being her helped him "relax". i told him he is the CAUSE of all the drama at home and by going out he just makes it worse. the next morning while he was at work he texted me and told me that he was sorry, he's not trying to hurt me and that he knows things cannot continue going on like this for much longer. hmmmm. so i've been trying my best to be emotionally stable and to go about my life and hopefully he is seeing that i am determined to make a happy life with or without him. because that is what i have to do right now. well, after him saying things can't go on like this much longer i found that they were still texting a lot and that he had talked to her for an hour over the phone one night and another day on his lunch break for 30 minutes. Turns out this woman has been telling him very personal and intimate details of her life. something traumatic happened and now she's having health issues, something is wrong with her heart. She is obviously using this in order to get him to care for her. it is such bull****. he can't even see what she is doing or he is just lying to himself or lying to me. i told him he needs to stop this and that this is HIS fault and not at all mine. he agreed that it is his fault. i said that this mess we are in is because of him and his CHOICE to get close to this woman. he said that he knows that and he is so entangled with her that he feels like he will be abandoning her if he cuts off all contact. i asked him if he would rather have her or me. he said me. i don't know. maybe he is lying. he said he would start making changes asap because i told him i would be on a plane next week if he didn't make his choice and start showing actions that proved what his choice was. so i'm giving him a week to show me some changes. am i being a fool? should i just leave and not take his word.
califnan Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 You love him and you seem to really wish to save your marriage ...I could say: give him the extra week.. But, with having the baby - do you have family and a place waiting for you - or if you are OK here .. that may be the determining factor right now .. I have no idea what is going on with him other than what he tells you .. I know the baby is coming in less than two months.. How will that work out for you .. are you comfortable about having your baby here in California - have all arrangements been made .. etc ? Maybe, rather than thinking about your marriage right now - you should be thinking about where you would wish to have the baby, and where you would feel comfortable about living for the first few months - if things don't work out for you and your husband just yet? I hope in the meantime, that you have listened to the other posters - as far as being knowledgeable about your community assets ..
freestyle Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 well, OP, at least there seems to be a little progress in the right direction, he actually admitted to being at fault.Perhaps the fog is lifting , if just a little...and reality is peeking its head through.......... I don't think you're out of the woods yet, but it's a start. If you go to Google and look up, "Emotional Affairs" there's numerous articles...maybe you could email him a couple. When he sees his recent behavior spelled out and descibed to a "T" , that may help to clear his head even further. It could also possibly help him to see just how much pain he's caused you . (which he needs to acknowledge, if you're hoping to work things out. If he tries to minimize , or invalidate your very real pain, with a "let's just sweep this under the rug" mentality, it's going to cause you to feel resentful.) Please keep us posted, we're rooting for you here. 1
Author KLmccaulley81 Posted March 17, 2010 Author Posted March 17, 2010 Thank you for the update, I've been thinking about you. No, you are not a fool but I do think that Cat is a master manipulator and your H is the fool. I imagine Cat feels your H pulling away, and is trying to reel him back in. Regardless of what the state of their relationship is- emotional, physical, etc. he simply has to make a choice. And STICK with it. I personally would give him a few days to say his goodbyes. Then after that, he needs to "fish or cut bait". I highly doubt that if he "abandons" her that she doesn't have some other kind of support system. Surely she has friends and family, so the abandonment arguement simply doesn't hold water. yeah he was out with her again last night. this time he texted me to let me know he would be with her. how nice. he thinks that is progress. when he got home i had all of our wedding pictures, cards and letters he had written me, jewerly, gifts, etc all bagged up and told him to throw it all away if i mean nothing to him. he wouldn't do it. but he still went into his old routine of telling me that just because he loves me doesn't mean he should be with me and that the past 9 years of his youth have been stolen from him by ME. all going back to all the stuff he has said that i did to him over the years. (i'm sure you know all of that from my previous posts) he says that he is still waiting for God to show him whether or not he should be with me. i assume this is all just gaslighting yet again. i asked him why he could be there for her and not for me when i'm almost 8 months pregnant and get no attention or help from him. he told me "well, i've been there for you for 9 years". he still denies having anything other than friendship with this woman. he protects her and says that she has done nothing wrong. she has never wronged him and that she has never done anything to offend me. WTF? obviously him admitting that this is his fault was not enough for him to realize it is WRONG. he still thinks he has done nothing wrong except cause me a little pain. and he thinks i'm supposed to suck it up and deal with this. i should not believe a word he says right. especially about cat. she must be the manipulator you believe her to be. what do i do?
califnan Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 He is not supposed to be with other women No matter What the circumstances.. Your answer is not with him - or another person right now.. We cannot control others - or hang on their reassuring words when we think things are Not right. If you are confortable about having the baby here - then just look to your future about having the baby, and take one step at a time .. He is acting irresponsible - but there is nothing you can do about Him .. just you .. You have a choice of putting up with his relationship with this other woman - or one of you leaving - until the marriage is promised to be as it should be .. If you leave, I would think it should be before the baby arrives, if he leaves - it should be after .. The baby coming is a factor .. and your knowledge of the family finances is the second factor ..
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