KLmccaulley81 Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 My husband and I are from Iowa. 4 months ago he took a job in california and he had to move out alone because we could not afford to move myself and our two boys out at that moment. It was supposed to be only one month apart but it turned into 4 months. About 8 weeks after he started his job he started calling me less and less and was acting very distant. I thought it was just because we were miles and miles apart. Then when I finally moved out here 8 weeks later I find that he has a lot of text messages from another woman, named "Cat". I ask and he says she's just some woman he works with who is almost 40. (we are 28) Then I find the call detail on sprint.com and see that for the past 2 months they called eachother almost 100 times and talked for an hour or a little more each night, or every other night. I ask him how often they talked and he flat out lied and said "once a week". Then i showed him my evidence and he said, "well, i guess I didn't realize how much we actually talked. but we're just friends. i needed friend". on top of all this he is telling me that he is doubting our relationship and that he feels our marriage may be "invalid" because i had not told him the truth about something i did in college (drunken sexual act with another guy, but not intercourse) before i was dating him. he says that means our whole relationship started out in deception since i didn't tell him the whole truth about that and that our marriage might not even be valid in God's eyes or in his. ( he is a "faithful" christian) Now he's thinking about leaving me but says he hasn't "made up his mind yet". We have two kids together (4,3) and I am pregnant with our 3rd, due in 8 weeks. He tells me I need to stay here with him and "love" him and "show" him that he has a reason to be here. In the mean time he continually texts with "Cat" and they get together just to "talk". He says that he cares about her, loves her as a "friend", and that there is nothing I can do about it. They are close and I can't tell him what to do so therefore I just need to deal with it. He said maybe if I do what i'm supposed to do to get closer to him then "maybe" this other woman will just go away. He swears that he's not having sex with her and that he is not attracted to her in that way. But they talk all the time and he is not willing to give it up in order to work on our marriage. I have no idea what to do. He tells me all about my past sins against him and says that he "suppressed" his feelings over the years and now he thinks he made a mistake in marrying me b/c as he says the last straw was me telling him the entire truth about the guy from college...which i told him a year ago because he kept pestering me about my past again. He thinks that God will show him whether or not he is supposed to be with me and expects me to wait around until he gets his "revelation". He swears that this "crisis" he is going through is not about Cat but is about our relationship problems and the fact that he's not sure it's a valid union. Am I CRAZY??? because he is making me feel CRAZY! Is there anything he is saying that makes sense? Is it REALLy about this WOMAN or am I just nuts? He was very caring and called me and emailed me continually up until he started talking to her. He claims he was having doubts before he met her. I am so confused. Should I stay and put up with this or should I go. He is real good at making me feel like maybe God never wanted me to be his wife and I'm a horrible sinner and I've done all these bad things. (i had a one night stand while drunk that ended pretty much as soon as the physical act had begun and i was bawling and crying and begging forgiveness b/c i was in shock at what i had done. i told him about it and i asked forgiveness and he gave it to me and said he wanted to stay with me. now he's using ita gainst me. it happened 7 years ago) he also says i've always been controlling and selfish. that is true but i wasn't always like that. i made many mistakes but i have always wanted to make our relationship better. i have been so sorry for the damage i've done and i've wanted to work on making our marriage better. but according to him maybe there is no marriage. someone help me to see truth. what should i do?
PhoenixRise Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 My husband and I are from Iowa. 4 months ago he took a job in california and he had to move out alone because we could not afford to move myself and our two boys out at that moment. It was supposed to be only one month apart but it turned into 4 months. About 8 weeks after he started his job he started calling me less and less and was acting very distant. I thought it was just because we were miles and miles apart. Then when I finally moved out here 8 weeks later I find that he has a lot of text messages from another woman, named "Cat". I ask and he says she's just some woman he works with who is almost 40. (we are 28) Then I find the call detail on sprint.com and see that for the past 2 months they called eachother almost 100 times and talked for an hour or a little more each night, or every other night. I ask him how often they talked and he flat out lied and said "once a week". Then i showed him my evidence and he said, "well, i guess I didn't realize how much we actually talked. but we're just friends. i needed friend". on top of all this he is telling me that he is doubting our relationship and that he feels our marriage may be "invalid" because i had not told him the truth about something i did in college (drunken sexual act with another guy, but not intercourse) before i was dating him. he says that means our whole relationship started out in deception since i didn't tell him the whole truth about that and that our marriage might not even be valid in God's eyes or in his. ( he is a "faithful" christian) Now he's thinking about leaving me but says he hasn't "made up his mind yet". We have two kids together (4,3) and I am pregnant with our 3rd, due in 8 weeks. He tells me I need to stay here with him and "love" him and "show" him that he has a reason to be here. In the mean time he continually texts with "Cat" and they get together just to "talk". He says that he cares about her, loves her as a "friend", and that there is nothing I can do about it. They are close and I can't tell him what to do so therefore I just need to deal with it. He said maybe if I do what i'm supposed to do to get closer to him then "maybe" this other woman will just go away. He swears that he's not having sex with her and that he is not attracted to her in that way. But they talk all the time and he is not willing to give it up in order to work on our marriage. I have no idea what to do. He tells me all about my past sins against him and says that he "suppressed" his feelings over the years and now he thinks he made a mistake in marrying me b/c as he says the last straw was me telling him the entire truth about the guy from college...which i told him a year ago because he kept pestering me about my past again. He thinks that God will show him whether or not he is supposed to be with me and expects me to wait around until he gets his "revelation". He swears that this "crisis" he is going through is not about Cat but is about our relationship problems and the fact that he's not sure it's a valid union. Am I CRAZY??? because he is making me feel CRAZY! Is there anything he is saying that makes sense? Is it REALLy about this WOMAN or am I just nuts? He was very caring and called me and emailed me continually up until he started talking to her. He claims he was having doubts before he met her. I am so confused. Should I stay and put up with this or should I go. He is real good at making me feel like maybe God never wanted me to be his wife and I'm a horrible sinner and I've done all these bad things. (i had a one night stand while drunk that ended pretty much as soon as the physical act had begun and i was bawling and crying and begging forgiveness b/c i was in shock at what i had done. i told him about it and i asked forgiveness and he gave it to me and said he wanted to stay with me. now he's using ita gainst me. it happened 7 years ago) he also says i've always been controlling and selfish. that is true but i wasn't always like that. i made many mistakes but i have always wanted to make our relationship better. i have been so sorry for the damage i've done and i've wanted to work on making our marriage better. but according to him maybe there is no marriage. someone help me to see truth. what should i do? Honey Take a very deep breath and stop doubting your own sanity. Cheaters, no matter if it is physical or emotional cheating, want you to doubt your own sanity. Google the term "Gaslighting" and you will probaly see a Picture of your H. He is cheating and he is planting the seeds for his justification with his nonsense about doubting whether or not your marriage is vaild in God's eyes. This is just how he is justifying his cheating to himself and to you. His "doubts about the validity of your marriage didn't stop him from getting you pregnant 3 times. You are not crazy. No married man talks to another woman as much as your H is talking to this woman and it is just platonic. I know it is hard, but you need to get really clear about the facts on the ground. Believe yourself and what you see wayyyyy more than you believe anything your H says. Your H is not protecting your marriage so you need to protect you. It will be impossible for you to work on the marriage if your H is having an affair and is unwilling to end it. What are you willing and prepared to do? Are you willing to leave him over this? I am sorry you are going through this. 1
PhoenixRise Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Wanted to add.. Even if you are nowhere close to thinking about a divorce. Even if divorce is the last thing you want to do... See a lawyer. find out what your rights are. Find out what spousal support and child support you would be entitled to. You may not ever need to file. But knowledge is empowering. Take control of your life.
Author KLmccaulley81 Posted March 6, 2010 Author Posted March 6, 2010 You are not crazy, but he is surely trying to make you feel that way. It's called gaslighting. I'm sure you'll find info about it here. You might pop over to the Other Woman board too. Him bringing up your past is just an excuse to justify his own behavior, IMO. He certainly didn't worry about your past when he was making 3 babies with you. I imagine that for your marriage can continue, you may have to give the ultimatum for him to stop "seeing" Cat. He'll have to make his decision. Your post implies a feeling of powerlessness and hopelessness. You are the mother of his children. You have more power than you think. I hope other posters here can help you. thank you for your response. i told him i wanted him to stop talking to her. he told me that he is not ready or willing to do that because she was his "friend" during the roughest time in his life. (being alone in california with marital problems. boo hoo) he says that they are close and that they care about eachother and that there is NOTHING i can do about it and that i have no authority as his wife since he doesn't even know if our marriage is valid or not. he says this b/c i told him about the thing from college a year ago. so therefore he says that our whole relationship started in deception and lies and so now he is done "suppressing" his feelings and he's finally going to "feel" it all and that i can't change how he feels right now. he swears it has nothing to do with "cat" and that she is a non issue. wtf. seriously. i'm not stupid. i'm going to start investigating for the truth. i have ideas. i just have no money but i can do this if i put my mind to it. i want him to see that i know the TRUTH. you and others have helped me to see that i'm not crazy. he likes to say that if eveyrone heard his side of the story then they would agree with him. he is a jerk right now and this is not really him. i cannot believe this. it is absurd to me. i will not put up with this for much longer.
JaneInVegas Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 KL, I actually laughed out loud when I read how he's questioning whether your marriage is 'valid' or not. What a load of crap! He's using every excuse he can muster up to hold onto this Kat woman. He claims there's nothing you can do about it? You tell him there most certainly IS something you can do about it ... you can file for a divorce! I'm not suggesting you actually file, but if you threaten him with it in an extremely serious way, it may shake him up a bit. I hate seeing marriages fall apart, especially when there's kids, but your husband needs a HUGE reality check! Give it to him! (nothing you can do about it! PUH! grumble grumble grumble) 1
jerrytodd Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 thank you for your response. i told him i wanted him to stop talking to her. he told me that he is not ready or willing to do that because she was his "friend" during the roughest time in his life. (being alone in california with marital problems. boo hoo) he says that they are close and that they care about eachother and that there is NOTHING i can do about it and that i have no authority as his wife since he doesn't even know if our marriage is valid or not. he says this b/c i told him about the thing from college a year ago. so therefore he says that our whole relationship started in deception and lies and so now he is done "suppressing" his feelings and he's finally going to "feel" it all and that i can't change how he feels right now. he swears it has nothing to do with "cat" and that she is a non issue. wtf. seriously. i'm not stupid. i'm going to start investigating for the truth. i have ideas. i just have no money but i can do this if i put my mind to it. i want him to see that i know the TRUTH. you and others have helped me to see that i'm not crazy. he likes to say that if eveyrone heard his side of the story then they would agree with him. he is a jerk right now and this is not really him. i cannot believe this. it is absurd to me. i will not put up with this for much longer. KL, you are not crazy and under the circumstances of having a child in 8 weeks he is cruel beyond words. His Christian beliefs are the anti-thesis of anything Christ would have supported. I think additionally your need to find the truth is not necessary and that is important for you. If someone is that cruel you do not have to investigate or accept what you are seemingly willing to accept. I am sorry that your financial situation does not allow you the freedom you need now. Further, my goodness your college situation from 7 years ago that happened before you even met is nothing he is allowed to complain about. Christian or not, that is not part of the marriage contract. Good luck
Author KLmccaulley81 Posted March 6, 2010 Author Posted March 6, 2010 KL, I actually laughed out loud when I read how he's questioning whether your marriage is 'valid' or not. What a load of crap! He's using every excuse he can muster up to hold onto this Kat woman. He claims there's nothing you can do about it? You tell him there most certainly IS something you can do about it ... you can file for a divorce! I'm not suggesting you actually file, but if you threaten him with it in an extremely serious way, it may shake him up a bit. I hate seeing marriages fall apart, especially when there's kids, but your husband needs a HUGE reality check! Give it to him! (nothing you can do about it! PUH! grumble grumble grumble) I know! I've told him I'm going to leave and he threatens that it will all be over and that i'll have hell to pay. I'm just scared of what he'll do because I do NOT want a divorce. i've made it quite clear that i want to save our marriage and that i will forgive him if he comes clean and is truly sorry. i'll give him one more chance at our marriage if he comes clean. i think i would need the hard evidence in order for him to actually muster up the truth. he is on such a high horse right now and is so full of pride it is disgusting. everything against his God who he claims to serve. Christ would NOT accept this behavior and say that it is okay. I know God validated our marriage and I know God is not okay with what he is doing. I know this in my heart because the God i believe in makes it clear what He is about through something called the bible. which hilariously enough my husband hasn't even been reading his bible yet he thinks God is going to give him some revelation of whether or not he's supposed to be with me. what a joke. his god is this woman right now. however she makes him "feel" is god right now. he is in such denial. but once i have the hard evidence he will have to be honest once and for all. that is all i'm asking for. complete honesty.
Author KLmccaulley81 Posted March 6, 2010 Author Posted March 6, 2010 KL, you are not crazy and under the circumstances of having a child in 8 weeks he is cruel beyond words. His Christian beliefs are the anti-thesis of anything Christ would have supported. I think additionally your need to find the truth is not necessary and that is important for you. If someone is that cruel you do not have to investigate or accept what you are seemingly willing to accept. I am sorry that your financial situation does not allow you the freedom you need now. Further, my goodness your college situation from 7 years ago that happened before you even met is nothing he is allowed to complain about. Christian or not, that is not part of the marriage contract. Good luck well the college thing from 9 years ago actually is so upsetting to him because we had met but we were NOT dating. the thing happened a couple months before i started dating him and he knew the guy. that is why he is so angry. and he is mad because when he asked me about it when we first started dating i held back the whole truth of what happened. i didn't tell him because it was embarrassing and because i didn't feel that he needed to know every single detail of every stupid mistake i had made. but obviously he feels that it was very important for him to know. and he claims he never would have dated me had he known. it's ridiculous in my eyes. i didn't have sex with the guy but obviously something sexual took place. but whatever. he is using this to justify his actions. he looks guilty and smells guilty.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 I'd go to a lawyer, have him draw up the most draconian alimony and child support agreement that he can. Have the lawyer tally up the total amount over the next 18 years and write that number down for you. That number will be staggering. Take the papers and sign them. When you and your husband are at home during a quiet time tell him that even though he feels you are not married in eyes of God and your children are not legitimate in the eyes of God, you are married by law, your children are legitimate by law and that you will grant him a legal divorce. Lay down the papers, and then lay down that huge number in front of him. Tell him that is the price he will pay for continuing to be friends with this other woman, as you intend to divorce him if he cannot let this OW go, and he feels that God does not want you to be married. I know you don't want a divorce, but it takes something like this to shake the wayward spouse's head out of their own ass. He is continuing the affair because you are showing him that you want to stay married. He is taking full advantage of that. You have to show him that you are NOT going to stay married to someone who has an attachment to another woman. And, you are going to make him pay dearly for it. He'll stop the affair only when he stands to lose something if he doesn't. What is he losing now? Nothing. What will he lose if you stand your ground and hit him with a divorce and a promised lifetime of child support and alimony? EVERYTHING. 1
crazycatlady Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Wow. You have received excellent advice from the other posters. But he's blackmailing you, manipulating you, that's emotional abuse. He's a ..... not a good person. He does deserve a loving wife. A forgiving wife. Not with the crap he's trying to do to you. Do you have a church and a pastor as a family unit? Have you tried approaching your pastor with what he's telling you about not being a valid marriage in God's eyes? If you don't have one, find one that fits your beliefs and maybe he can open your eyes to the fact that you probably need to leave your so-called husband. And God does not and would not condone abuse simply to save a marriage. CCL
Author KLmccaulley81 Posted March 6, 2010 Author Posted March 6, 2010 I'd go to a lawyer, have him draw up the most draconian alimony and child support agreement that he can. Have the lawyer tally up the total amount over the next 18 years and write that number down for you. That number will be staggering. Take the papers and sign them. When you and your husband are at home during a quiet time tell him that even though he feels you are not married in eyes of God and your children are not legitimate in the eyes of God, you are married by law, your children are legitimate by law and that you will grant him a legal divorce. Lay down the papers, and then lay down that huge number in front of him. Tell him that is the price he will pay for continuing to be friends with this other woman, as you intend to divorce him if he cannot let this OW go, and he feels that God does not want you to be married. I know you don't want a divorce, but it takes something like this to shake the wayward spouse's head out of their own ass. He is continuing the affair because you are showing him that you want to stay married. He is taking full advantage of that. You have to show him that you are NOT going to stay married to someone who has an attachment to another woman. And, you are going to make him pay dearly for it. He'll stop the affair only when he stands to lose something if he doesn't. What is he losing now? Nothing. What will he lose if you stand your ground and hit him with a divorce and a promised lifetime of child support and alimony? EVERYTHING. I smiled while reading your response. Thank you for the advice. I think that you and others telling me basically what you told me are indeed correct. I am enabling him to have everything he wants-wife and kids plus his woman friend on the side. (even if they aren't having sex it is still soooo hurtful and is definitely emotional cheating) I need the strength to be able to do this. I'm waiting and praying and when I feel it is time I will do exactly what everyone has been telling me to do. I think it will be sooner rather than later. I have a plan, I want hard evidence so he can quit denying the sexual tension and the possible "love" between them. Being in love is such bull**** because it's not real. It's just the excitement of a new person who is interested in you and shows you attention. Being in love in the beginning is based on selfishness. True love is action based, not feeling based. He knows this, he taught me this. He is a hypocrite. I truly love him and maybe the only way to show him is to draw up the papers and tell him I'm leaving. I know I made a lot of mistakes and that he "feels" the way he does about them, but none of those are reasons to justify an affair or a divorce. He is letting his wayward feelings rule the day and that is SELFISH. I used to put him on a pedestal. I should never have done that. Now I am paying dearly for it. I miss my husband. I miss who he was. This is not him. Thank you for all your advice.
PhoenixRise Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 I am glad you have a plan and I do hope you will see a lawyer sooner rather than later. I just want to caution you. Don't threaten divorce or separation if you know you will not follow through. I think he absolutely did not take you seriously when you told him you would leave before because he knew beyond any shadow of a doubt that you were not going anywhere. Good luck
2sunny Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 who he was - is different than the man he is willing to be now. the man he's willing to be now will: talk to his OW share with his OW possibly look at giving himself physically to his OW confide in her things that he should only want to confide in his W lie to his W hide things from his W betray his conception of his core belief system to have his OW betray his core values at the expense of hurting his W and children shortchange his M to enjoy his pleasure time and ego strokes from his OW be selfishly driven to the extreme of costing him his M spend his time and energy away from his W and M be accusatory toward his W (this is NOT loving behavior) need i say more? make him feel the discomfort of his lies and manipulations. tell him since he's not willing to act like a married man - that he should get out now! a married man that is honoring God - as he puts it - would NEVER treat his wife and kids this way. you are living with a man? that is being hypocritical in every sense of the bible. and you can tell him i said so. tell him HIS actions are unacceptable to a healthy marriage and you have had enough. throw him out and see how willing he becomes to let her go. he is so stuck in the affair fog that he doesn't know what reality is - the reality is - he has become something much worse than he ever thought possible. you deserve a husband - not the enemy in your marriage.
jajaime Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Wow reading this I almost felt I wrote it myself. I am going through something quite similar. 16 years with same man, we just got married in Feb 2 children and a incident from over 10 years ago that he can't seem to let go of. I myself did nothing wrong since we happened to be broken up during this time, however since I withheld this information from him and didn't let it out until last August because he hounded me to tell him. Well he convienced me to spill my guts only after he informed me of all the things he had done that I had been in the dark about. I handled this information like an adult, he on the other hand did not. Now everytime he drinks he flips out on me tells me I was the biggest mistake of his life, for months he wasn't gonna marry me and all that was good and special about me is gone in his eyes. Now I know people will say what are you doing, why did you marry this guy? Cuz I love him, that's my only response. I read all the responses to your thread and I have to admit it scared me alot because I don't want to leave my relationship either. But I think after alot of thinking and sole searching that leaving the relationship is exactly what they want us to do. They don't have the guts to truly end it themselves and therefore try to drive us out the nest with cruelty and guilt. I don't know what I am going to do, but I truely hope that if you mean what you say you will continue to post how it goes to maybe give me some much needed strength. Best of luck to you.
carhill Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Gaslight central. I've had an EA while married. He's not in an EA. He's got his noodle in the kitty purse. what should i do? Set the ground rules first. Lawyer can help with that. Offer MC contingent on NC with the OW. Check back with us in a year. That's right. It'll take a long time, either way. We're out now about three years from first contact, two years from when MC began and a couple months short of the divorce being final. Strap in. It's going to be a long road.
Author KLmccaulley81 Posted March 6, 2010 Author Posted March 6, 2010 I'm glad you are moving towards resolving this. This has really bothered me. To think someone that you loved, pledged your love, life and loyalty to and made three other little human beings with could be so cruel, and unapologetic about his cruelty- is just so upsetting. Why human beings treat each other this way... I hope in the meantime you will not allow him to humiliate you any more. Whatever you did in the past is in the past. I'm sure God has forgiven you, if there was ever even anything to forgive. You shouldn't be the one begging for forgiveness, he should!! Plus, it's just flat wrong for him to use God to justify his bad behavior. You know that already. But please don't allow him to use something you did before marriage to belittle and play mind games with you. yeah i know. he is full of ****. he thinks i'm stupid or just a doormat. or both. i know that i did a lot of wrong and that i caused pain in our relationship but i do not think i did anything that justifies his affair or him divorcing me. if that is what he wants then he can do that. i will not threaten him with divorce but i will leave to be with my family if he will not give up this woman. thank you for your support.
2sunny Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 [QUOTE]He's not in an EA. He's got his noodle in the kitty purse. carhill, omg - your use of words! it's not funny OP, but does your H actually expect you to believe him? what kind of fool does he think you are? don't be THAT fool. he's only fooling himself. call a spade a spade. tell him he's a blatant cheater while being MARRIED!!! that is so much worse than what he's pretending to be upset about you for - from many years ago while being a single gal. apples and oranges - i don't care what way he wants to justify his cheating ways... he's still the big cheater any way you look at it. when he's actually willing to be honesty - he might actually be able to admit it to even himself. he's got so much work to do - his head will spin just from the lies he's telling himself! step away from the train wreck and allow him the time and clarity to see what HE has created for himself. this is critical.
Author KLmccaulley81 Posted March 6, 2010 Author Posted March 6, 2010 Wow reading this I almost felt I wrote it myself. I am going through something quite similar. 16 years with same man, we just got married in Feb 2 children and a incident from over 10 years ago that he can't seem to let go of. I myself did nothing wrong since we happened to be broken up during this time, however since I withheld this information from him and didn't let it out until last August because he hounded me to tell him. Well he convienced me to spill my guts only after he informed me of all the things he had done that I had been in the dark about. I handled this information like an adult, he on the other hand did not. Now everytime he drinks he flips out on me tells me I was the biggest mistake of his life, for months he wasn't gonna marry me and all that was good and special about me is gone in his eyes. Now I know people will say what are you doing, why did you marry this guy? Cuz I love him, that's my only response. I read all the responses to your thread and I have to admit it scared me alot because I don't want to leave my relationship either. But I think after alot of thinking and sole searching that leaving the relationship is exactly what they want us to do. They don't have the guts to truly end it themselves and therefore try to drive us out the nest with cruelty and guilt. I don't know what I am going to do, but I truely hope that if you mean what you say you will continue to post how it goes to maybe give me some much needed strength. Best of luck to you. wow you and i are going through some of the same stuff. this is just such crap. seems that we are the ones who can handle bull**** but they can't handle some stupid crap from the past. and they are willing to throw it all away over some stupid feelings that they won't let themselves get over. and they think the OW understands them or some ****. it's complete crap. maybe once we leave they will see what they have done and what they have lost. with the way he acts about me leaving it kind of just proves to me that he might really WANT me to leave so that way he can BLAME me and go have his torrid affair without feeling any guilt whatsoever. i'm watching his every move. i know he is a guilty man. he is torn between leaving me and his sons and being with this woman. it is complete crap. and he tells me that it has NOTHING to do with her. he must think i am really really stupid. the fact that he thinks the last 9 years were all lies because i didn't tell him the whole truth about that stupid thing from college. and of course the one night stand thing that never happened again and he FORGAVE me for. and he loves to use all the fights and the times i was disrespectful and selfish. like those are actual reasons to run out and find another woman and then talk about leaving your wife.
2sunny Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 but they can't handle some stupid crap from the past. oh he can handle it - but if he can NOW use that against you to relieve his guilt and justify to himself his bad behavior - he's willing to do that at your expense. and they are willing to throw it all away over some stupid feelings that they won't let themselves get over. he's not thinking rationally because he's banking on you letting him get away with it all - or banking on you not finding out what REALLY is going on here. he is torn between leaving me and his sons and being with this woman. it is complete crap. he's not torn - he's just figuring that you will want him badly enough to overlook his bad behavior based on the fact that you are a woman of faith and you want the M bad enough to put up with unacceptable behavior from him. he wants both - his W & M AND his OW. he's a cake eater! and he tells me that it has NOTHING to do with her. if this were true - he would have no contact with her whatsoever. he lies. like those are actual reasons to run out and find another woman and then talk about leaving your wife. it only helps HIM to have a good reason to do whatever he wants. he is selfish. where in the bible does it say to be selfish at the expense of your W and family. ask him to show us... ooops - my individual responses underneath each bolded quote look weird now = sorry.
Author KLmccaulley81 Posted March 6, 2010 Author Posted March 6, 2010 Gaslight central. I've had an EA while married. He's not in an EA. He's got his noodle in the kitty purse. Set the ground rules first. Lawyer can help with that. Offer MC contingent on NC with the OW. Check back with us in a year. That's right. It'll take a long time, either way. We're out now about three years from first contact, two years from when MC began and a couple months short of the divorce being final. Strap in. It's going to be a long road. Oh my God. He has been having sex with me promising me he has never had sex with her. He is putting myself and my BABY at risk because of this. Do you think it is 100% without a doubt he has had sex with her? I'm sorry I just have a lot of problems really truly coming to grips with this. This makes it so much worse. that he gives himself emotionally and physically to her. i am so hurt. it hurts so bad.
2sunny Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Oh my God. He has been having sex with me promising me he has never had sex with her. He is putting myself and my BABY at risk because of this. Do you think it is 100% without a doubt he has had sex with her? I'm sorry I just have a lot of problems really truly coming to grips with this. This makes it so much worse. that he gives himself emotionally and physically to her. i am so hurt. it hurts so bad. the fact that he's unwilling to give her up and willing to risk losing his M says he is having sex with her - whether he's willing to admit it or not - you have to understand he most likely has had sex with her. follow them when he's with her - watch if they flirt, touch each other, sit close, walk close to each other etc.
Author KLmccaulley81 Posted March 7, 2010 Author Posted March 7, 2010 the fact that he's unwilling to give her up and willing to risk losing his M says he is having sex with her - whether he's willing to admit it or not - you have to understand he most likely has had sex with her. follow them when he's with her - watch if they flirt, touch each other, sit close, walk close to each other etc. i have no transportation and i have two kids at home. i might be able to go out spying one day with a friend. but i ahve to wait until she has a day off. this is all really really scary for me. i am so sick right now. the fact that he is not willing to give her up is sickening and i know in my heart that most likely he has had sex with her. why else would he be so willing to ruin everything over this? i should have seen this sooner. he looks guilty when he's done having sex with me. i don't know if it's guilt over what he's doing to me or if he's feeling like he's "cheating" on his OW. he just looks guilty all the time if i'm not fighting him and being quiet and just going about my day. he looks uncomfortable, not how he used to be. i know these are signs of a guilty conscience. how do i get him to be honest with me? that's all i want. honesty. any ideas anyone?
BB07 Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 I've read some stories on here of women and men behaving very badly, but this one is about the worst. He deserves no respect or regard because he is doing every thing but manning up. A real man would not put the blame on you and make it seem as if it's your fault. What an asshat!!!
2sunny Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 i have no transportation and i have two kids at home. i might be able to go out spying one day with a friend. but i ahve to wait until she has a day off. this is all really really scary for me. i am so sick right now. the fact that he is not willing to give her up is sickening and i know in my heart that most likely he has had sex with her. why else would he be so willing to ruin everything over this? i should have seen this sooner. he looks guilty when he's done having sex with me. i don't know if it's guilt over what he's doing to me or if he's feeling like he's "cheating" on his OW. he just looks guilty all the time if i'm not fighting him and being quiet and just going about my day. he looks uncomfortable, not how he used to be. i know these are signs of a guilty conscience. how do i get him to be honest with me? that's all i want. honesty. any ideas anyone? yes, get a firm boundary that makes him so uncomfortable with the reality that HE'S created that he starts second guessing what he's created. kick him out today. leave him no way to get money. pack a small bag of clothes and tell him to figure out his priorities or don't ever come back. that ought to make him sweat a bit and start to think about whether or not she worth losing his life as he knows it. make him uncomfortable enough to change his mind. a wake up call actually...
Author KLmccaulley81 Posted March 7, 2010 Author Posted March 7, 2010 yes, get a firm boundary that makes him so uncomfortable with the reality that HE'S created that he starts second guessing what he's created. kick him out today. leave him no way to get money. pack a small bag of clothes and tell him to figure out his priorities or don't ever come back. that ought to make him sweat a bit and start to think about whether or not she worth losing his life as he knows it. make him uncomfortable enough to change his mind. a wake up call actually... he has all the money. he only gives me cash. i have a bank account in iowa but he is on that one as well. i would have to leave, but he tells me to go if i want to and that it will all be my fault if our family breaks up. he says it will be all on me. i'm going to be gathering evidence, any evidence i can find and when i have it i'm going to confront him one last time. when he lies i will show him the truth. then i will ask him what he wants. then i will leave. and if wants me back he will have to show true remorse and horror at what he has done and he will have to win me back.
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