cypresa Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 We've been broken up for 9 months. Lots of NC from me. Then lots of mutual contact. Emails/texts and meet ups, always started by him. Cut to xmas day lots of texts from him. new years day a text from him (it would have been our 3 year aniversary) i don't reply for weeks. He then emails me wanting to meet up again for lunch 'to catch up". i put him off but he keeps on emailing. We go for lunch weekend before last - it was brilliant. went to an art gallery after and then he wanted to go for coffee after too. I guess we both didn't want the day to end. He texted to say how great it was and can we do it again soon? i'm like wtf?! Cut to me out on friday night with MY friends and a mutual friend. the ex texts the mutual friend asking where he was. The friend said i'm out with me at this place. Half an hour later he shows up. Me in shock. Him looking thrilled to see me. he didn't leave my side all night. till 5 in the morning. he pretty much didn't talk to anyone else. All my friends are asking me what is going on. And i have no idea!!! he is remeniscing about us, we're having such a laugh... it feels like it's just right. but he doesn't try anything like try to kiss me or hold my hand. And no contact since. What do i do guys????? how am i supposed to deal with this? I still love him of course. but he dumped me cause he couldn't commit. i'm not sure what is going on and am utterly confused. do i just see what happens or do i ask him? I'm not sure even he knows!!
ADF Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Here's something you need to keep in mind: men almost never go out of their way to befriend women unless they're attracted to them. Almost never. This is especially true of younger men. My guess--and it is just a guess--is that your boyfriend may be trying to maneuver you into some kind of FWB situation. Many men--I want to say most men--prefer FWB to having a GF, because in a FWB relationship they get all the advantages of having a GF, but with no strings. It is the ultimate win/win scenario as far as men are concerned. Since you broke up over commitment issues, I suggest you do NOT get into a FWB situation with this man. Once a man gets you into a FWB, the relationship will never go any further. He won't want it to, since he'll already be getting everything he wants. For free.
Author cypresa Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 Thanks for your advice ADF... But i know that will never be the situation with us. We are both in our 30's and I value myself far too much to be just that. As much as I still care about him I can just about resist him!
Author cypresa Posted March 6, 2010 Author Posted March 6, 2010 Any advice anyone? what would you do in my situation?
aimchase Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 I note from your post that you haven't at all metioned what YOU want. You've just made out that he orchestrates everything and you're just going along with things. What do YOU want Cypressa? If you want him back, I think that would be quite easy as he's clearly interested in that. If you don't, you need to lay your ground straight away. Don't play him along though while you make up your mind. You need to reach a decision.
spriggig Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Don't forget the rules of NC. If you want him back on your terms you cannot be friends with him. You agree to meet him and let him set the topic for discussion. If he does not bring up the relationship and make positive steps toward you--talking about some level of commitment, in this case--then you cut off the meeting after about an hour. Right now you are a stepping stone for him, a boost to his confidence while he plays the field. Stay out of the friendzone.
Author cypresa Posted March 6, 2010 Author Posted March 6, 2010 You're right Spriggig. It's the one thing I'm very worried about. That we are ending up in the friendzone. How do I stop that from happening? And I know what i want Armchase. I want him back. But I guess I want him back if he now knows that he wants to commit. I'm not sure i can go down that road if he is still not sure that he can/or will ever want to commit to me. I want him to not be scared of 'us' anymore. That it's ok to share a life with someone and not compromise on who or what you are.
Abril Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 i understand yo my ex dumped me because he was stressed about work and studie and HE FEELS PUSHED BY ME and he cnat get commited woith me until he finish his doctorate studies i love him too im giving him space
TuesGirl Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 Cypresa! You're back... He's still lingering eh? You and I have dual lives 5000 mi apart... I think you just ask him point blank what is going on and what he wants. I guess the way I look at it, it's been 9 months, you are STILL in the dark and you have nothing to lose at this point. I mean, go have a few glasses of liquid courage first, but you need.to.know.!! Ask him if he wants to be 'just friends', is thinking about a reconciliation, or what. Then go from there. Sounds like he is tyring to slide back into your life, but you need to figure out his intentions. If he 'doesn't know' then you know that you need to keep moving on and not entertain him. Good luck. Thinking of you!!
engravefeelthevoid Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 well I think if you want him back in a serious relationship you have to talk to him to know what he wants...your ultimate goal should be the same....if you want him back in a serious relat. and he wants you as just a girl to toy with then dont go for him... go out and open the subject...ask him...where do we stand ? are you up for a serious relat or just friendship...know what you want in both scenarios...no FWB if it was friends...just formal friends...and a serious commitment while still taking it slow if serious....dont just wander around lost...know whats going on and dont waste ur time on something pointless
Author cypresa Posted March 8, 2010 Author Posted March 8, 2010 Tuesgirl!!!! i was wondering how you are. So what's happening in your situation?? Any movement? I would love to hear how you're doing... I think with me - I don't know whether i want to bring it up with him... just because I think that conversation should come from him. Shouldn't it? Or I am worried that he just doesn't know how he feels (he is a slow one afterall!). I think maybe he hasn't figured it out yet. So I'll end up getting an answer that is not what i want. A scary prospect. It's not making me upset at the mo - so maybe I'll just chill out and let it unfurl or not. I'm worried if I put pressure on him that he'll back out in panic. I want him to realise how he feels for himself! and if he doesn't then I guess it's his loss. I'm in a pretty happy place at the moment so it's not stressing me out. But whether he needs a kick up the backside from me is another matter! xx
engravefeelthevoid Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 WEll this is another post...if you want him back o as I did...Ignore him...be as formal as possible...laugh and be happy as possible around him with your friends...prove to be social, fun, active, simple and bright...it will make him feel that he wasnt good enough in a way to make you grieve for him...you will degrade him and his value...at the same time you will raise your value....2 weeks later he will get back to you...dont make any stupid moves or drama...im doing this now and I hope things will work
TuesGirl Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 Cypresa... well I don't want to hijack your thread with my story, but would love the chance to hash things out with you since I feel like things are really similar between us. So maybe we should move our discussion off the forum But back to you...I will say it's not fair to you to NOT know where he stands at this point. I know it's scary asking, but a lot of times men only rspond to directness. I think you can ask in a non-threatening, non-ultimatum way. Just say you were curious about his intentions of hanging out. Whether he is meaning to or not, he is stringing you along and keeping you from finding another. And it HAS been 9 months. He should have a pretty good idea by now if he can commit to you or not. If he is still unsure, I honestly think you're better off just walking away 100% and seeing if your absence hurts him bad enough to step up. He's not acting like a man right now, but he is acting like a boy. And you don't deserve a boy. I'm sure his case is not whether or not he likes you. He clearly does, but he needs to figure out how important you are to him. Are you important enough to commit to. He may not be able to figure that out if you are still in the picture. He may actually need to be alone and a little scared that you have moved on....IDK...I mean I'm still on here!haha Just my opinion...Thinking of you. Be brave!
DrGonzo Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Depends on what you want, if you want commitment, tell him! If your ok with FWB, which to me just means being used, then go for it. Keep in mind this will really louse up your chances with anyone who is in your circle that you may be looking at! OR with anyone who may be looking at you! I'm no expert, but I am a guy. But I'm "Mr.Long-Term Serial Monogamy" so maybe I'm not best qualified! Cheers
sativo Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 I have to agree with NC. Let's be honest... he know what you want/wanted in the past. You've made that plenty clear. He's still not ready for that.. though he obviously doesn't want to lose touch. It's the classic reason for NC. He wan't to keep you around "just in case" he changes his mind. You know, whenever it's convenient for him. But hopefully, he'll find something better and toss you out (at least that's what they usually think). Do NC! Don't worry... if he decides he can't live without you, he knows how to contact you. But try to avoid running to him whenever he rings the bell. If you need to, maybe you can write one last email (if it makes you feel better) telling him you had a nice time, and while at first you were excited to see him again, you realize now that nothing has changed. You deserve more and you've moved on.. and you wish him well. While that might sound harsh and definite, it's for the best. Besides, he needs to understand that you're not playing games. In the end, if he realizes he loves you, he'll let you now. Otherwise, it's your time to NC and focus on moving on. That's my 2 cents.
nowomanocry Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 And i have no idea!!! he is remeniscing about us, we're having such a laugh... it feels like it's just right. but he doesn't try anything like try to kiss me or hold my hand. And no contact since. What do i do guys????? how am i supposed to deal with this? I still love him of course. but he dumped me cause he couldn't commit.QUOTE] Hey cypresa, In fact you have written the answer to the question yourself in your post - "he doesn't want commitment" - he is hanging around you probably to see if you will play the game with his rules & not urs. This I can neither call a relationship of friends / lovers.. It is nothing. It is not even what I can call a "waste of time / money" lol. So go with the flow and see what happens. But make sure if you go anywhere to eat / drink he pays the bill lol Good luck hun
Author cypresa Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 thank you all. so much for your advice. I guess i was under the illusion that for their to be reconciliation then you have to have contact, hang out again and they have to know that you're in a place to be open to that. Doesn't it sometimes start with baby steps? He is not and never will be the sort to make grand romantic gestures or turn up at my door saying you're the love of my life. Some people (and especially guys) are just not like that. He is english after all! and these boys tend to keep most emotional feelings buried deep. but I think that he is not stupid. In fact he is extremely bright. He can't but realise that what we are doing is odd to say the least. He can't but help notice that he doesn't speak to anyone else when I am around. That he still cares about me. To cut him out of my life completely is horrible to imagine. But you are all right in saying that I can't properly move on whilst i still harbour hope. And I think i have been pretending to myself that I am fine. all those who suggest not to do a FWB - don't worry, that will never happen. I will wait for him to suggest meeting up again (which i'm sure he will do in time) and then meet him and tell him how i feel and lay it on the table. If he tells me that he doesn't feel the same way then i move on. Completely this time. arrrrrh. to cut someone who you care about and who cares about you out of ones life is going to be one of the hardest thing I'll ever have to do. x ps: Tues girl - how can we communicate? would love to hear your story... it would be lovely if we can help each other.
paperchase Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Does he have feelings for you: of course. Is he ready to commit the way you want him to: no. Is hanging out with him going to facilitate this: absolutely not. I will tell you from personal experience the following. I got dumped, did all the stuff you're not supposed to do. Finally, after limited NC and went completely dark. She chased, called me in the wee hours of the morning, sent texts and got increasingly more desperate. She left messages about wanting to feel me insider her..she pulled out all the stops. I did not bite. When she finally begged to see me and said she wanted to talk she said exactly what I wanted to hear. I love you, I'm sorry, I'll do whatever it takes to make it work. I want to marry you, I want to have your babies. Ok, so I bit and we had a great few days together before she waffled. She had another bf and wanted to let him down easy. Fast forward, we got back together, got counseling and are breaking up again a year later. So what's the moral of the story. The moral is that going total NC is your only chance when your ex is keeping you as a backup and that even if you wait for clear evidence that they are ready to give you what you want, it still might be a false positive and even if it's genuine you still might find yourself back at square one down the road. Most relationships end for a reason and that reason rarely goes away although time apart can make us forget it exists for a while.
Author cypresa Posted March 10, 2010 Author Posted March 10, 2010 I think i'm overthinking it. I've just got to get on with my life. Sod him. If he wants me back he'll chase. If he doesn't, well i wouldn't want someone who didn't love me anyway! His loss! Onwards and upwards. I think.
sativo Posted March 10, 2010 Posted March 10, 2010 Good for you. It's funny... I sometimes wonder if all this advice and struggling with ourselves really matters. In the end, we're all going to choose the right thing anyway. Sure, we'll take some abuse, but things tend to run their natural course and we ourselves end up realizing that we deserve better. It's like, no matter the advice or situation, it's just a matter of time until we do the right thing. So even if you don't stick to your current decision to move on and forget him, you'll eventually do it 'cause if it was meant to work out, it would have been working out by now. Anyway, good luck to you.
Author cypresa Posted March 11, 2010 Author Posted March 11, 2010 Sativo, i'm liking your pearls of wisdom. Couldn't be more true.
Recommended Posts