How do you change a lifetime of bad habits?

[Nikki Sahagin]

I am 20 years old BUT my attitude/thoughts/ideas are so embedded within me, I don't know how to even begin to change. I'm having weekly CBT but I don't feel its making a radical difference even though my therapist is wonderful.

 

Here are a list of my 'problems':

 

1) I am INCREDIBLY passive aggressive. I avoid conflict to the maximum. I don't stand for myself except with my mum, brother and at times my ex. Otherwise I cannot do it. I am horribly self-conscious that someone will realise i'm not 'nice'

 

2) I am HORRIFICLY self-conscious. I am CONSTANTLY aware of myself; if my hair is still neat, if my make-ups worn off, the way I speak, walk, dress. I criticise every waking moment of my life. I have an internal persecutor that that makes me permanantly focus on myself and what i'm doing wrong.

 

3) I am indecisive and can never make a decision. When I do make a decision, I always tell myself I made the wrong one.

 

4) I have free-floating anxiety so I never look forward to anything, just dread it. Normal things like a date, going out to eat, a club, meeting up with people, getting the train fill me with panic to such an extent I was agrophobic for several years and still have my days now.

 

5) I have problems with intimacy BECAUSE of my anxiety so I push people away because I don't want them to see the REAL me which is full of fear/hurt. I constantly feel a fraud when I smile or laugh because I know deep down i'm just a scared little girl.

 

I mean...if I've always been like this? How can I begin to change?

[boogieboy]

All of your problems are tied to you worrying what people think about you - and whether or not they think youre a good person. You will grow out of this eventually once you realize you dont need everyones approval, just your own. (its called maturity)

Once you feel the first time rush of people respecting you for being yourself and owning whatever you do, then and only then will you get over your passive aggressiveness and anxiety.

 

But this only works if you WANT to change this behavior. If you dont, and you want to keep worrying about making everyone like you, then you dont have a chance in changing.

 

You ever had a guy try to get you to like him by kissing your ass? Being too nice? not challenging you? Doesnt work to attract you does it? You see right through it because he isnt being himself.

When you do it, everyone sees through that as well. Think about that when you back off from peoples challenges.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Thanks boogie boy.

 

I suppose part of me DOESN'T want to change; its habit, its secure, its what I know.

My therapist described it as a lie that feels like a security blanket. So you cling to the lie because its all you know. And the truth, seems like the lie to you. (That might have become a bit muddled)

 

I think my honest problem is; I am too lazy to change because I believe I wont and it will be wasted time.

 

I find it so hard to assert myself and I can't push myself to break that barrier.

 

Thanks for your response, you've given me a lot to think about.