Nikki Sahagin Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Dear all, tonight (right about now) all of my friends are going to a birthday party being held for 2 of my exes friends (who became mutual). I origionally said I would attend but pulled out when, you guessed it, the ex became an attendee. I am a very indecisive person and I couldn't decide what would be the best option. 1) To go and have a good time and face the fear BUT be distracted by his presence and wallow in sadness. or 2) Not go; potentially do something more exciting or not, but still wallow in sadness and ALSO feel I didn't face my fear. Well I decided against it and feel a combination of relief and disapointment. But I think it centres on the fact that I WANT to see him, I WANT him to love me, but I know even if I went, even if I looked beautiful and talked to him and made him laugh; HE STILL WOULDN'T WANT ME. I've seen him since we've broken up but for some reason tonight I couldn't do it. Its like there's a fear around him that i'm feeding. I also suffer with anxiety/panic attacks so I really do get consumed by this. I feel so caught up in fear generally but it is extrapolated to him. I feel so weak and lost today. I feel like a coward. I miss him.
GrayClouds Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 How about this... Decide not to go and TO do something more exciting instead. Doing both should make you proud of yourself. Otherwise your hoping that you do not get hurt by going, hoping you wallow by staying home. It is not about facing fear it is about being kind to yourself, watching out for your own best interest, and taking control of your happiness rather then hoping for it. So what are you going to do instead?
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 How about this... Decide not to go and TO do something more exciting instead. Doing both should make you proud of yourself. Otherwise your hoping that you do not get hurt by going, hoping you wallow by staying home. It is not about facing fear it is about being kind to yourself, watching out for your own best interest, and taking control of your happiness rather then hoping for it. So what are you going to do instead? Well greyclouds, I planned to go out with a group of work mates who always make me laugh but they had to all pull out so I went around uni today but everyones busy working and the majority of my other friends are at this party - so nothing. But not for lack of trying. I just don't have the energy to push for anything else tonight. I see your point about the issue not being about fear but to me that seems central in my mind. I can't be kind to myself because I think i'm being weak by not facing him. This is kind of how I think: 'He is one person. It would be easier if you could see him as just 1 guy and go and be with your friends and not let it be a life or death situation. But you have to panic and make a big deal of it, making him more important than he is and missing out on a good night leaving any possible other plans to the last minute - BECAUSE YOU'RE SCARED' So I beat myself up.
rand0m Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Yea, but we all get caught up in that game. You're right.. he's just a person.. someone you knew well and have memories with. It's tough, but I just remind myself that you shouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. If I saw my ex at a party, sure, my heart would sink for a bit (I wouldn't show it), I'd be courteous.. say hello, but not hang around her or go out of my way to talk to her. We have a lot of mutual friends, but somehow have yet to run into each other. In the beginning of the breakup there were some close calls, but we decided one or the other just wouldn't go for the time being. Now I haven't talked to her in a few weeks so one day it will most likely just happen. Face it when it does, but don't live in fear or sorrow. It's funny how much we go through our whole lives, and one person can come along and make us all of a sudden scared. Maybe I'm just in an optimistic mood because the sun is shining, the skies are blue, and there's a calm breeze sweeping through my window. Keep your head up!
thepulse27 Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 The last time someone broke up with me, (before this one, so a long time ago), I used to see her in clubs a lot afterwards. For a while every time this happened I would just go over to my friends and say "I want to go now", we'd either go to a different club, or I'd leave and find something else to do. Sounds weak doesn't it, like I couldn't face it? Especially as I am generally a very strong person, and not much gets to me at all. But do you know what, I'm glad I did that, every time. Because staying would have upset me, and I wouldn't have had a good night. I agree with Grayclouds, if you go to face your fear, but it makes you unhappy then it's not brave; it's stupid. It sucks that someone has a the power to make us feel this way merely by being there, but while this is the case just stay away - NC doesn't have a much more literal application than this. As a sidenote, because I never stayed there and got upset, she never saw me at my weakest, and I never did ill advised in front of her. 3 months later she was asking for me back.
thepulse27 Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Man...I WISH I had been that cool for this breakup. The first month of this one was not pretty. But then I wasn't going to marry the first one.
GrayClouds Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 This is kind of how I think: 'He is one person. It would be easier if you could see him as just 1 guy and go and be with your friends and not let it be a life or death situation. But you have to panic and make a big deal of it, making him more important than he is and missing out on a good night leaving any possible other plans to the last minute - BECAUSE YOU'RE SCARED' So I beat myself up. Your beating yourself up because it is easier then being kind to yourself. Would you beat yourself up for not going down dark alley where a scary figure was standing. There is a chance that nothing bad would happen. but common sense, no you would say it was common sense not to go, your taking an actions that protect yourself from harm. Why is not going to the party any different? Not going is protecting your from harm. And trying to find something else to do is also kind. So be proud that you have the courage to be kind to yourself, or you can beat yourself up. I think you should do the former rather then the latter, but it is your choice.
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