Always A Lesson Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 I knew I was beginning to heal.... When March rolled around and I had stopped counting the months, which makes 5.... NC, thank you very much! The healing has truly begun, no more sitting around with a bleeding heart..... I was to the point of not wanting to go out in public because i was fearful of running into him....that darn MM... with or without the W. I had become fearful and created my own living HELL.....I had actually stopped living based on fears and created my own internal prison........ in my own head, This was soooooo not fair to me, I was guilty of trusting, and giving unconditionally love. And then, Boom......... the light-bulb went off one day, I thought...... Why the hell am I shortening my lifespan, sitting around thinking melancholy thoughts.... living in the past and making myself internally sick and miserable? The more I thought about it, the more pissed I got, but it took a looooong time and a lot of tears to get to that point, just got sick of it.. That MM doesn't give a flying *uck about me, evident in how everything went down and he screwed me over royally, so why am I giving him honor in keeping his memory alive. He hadn't earned it and didn't deserve it....SCREW HIM, and the horse he rode in on. Now, whenever he pops up in my mind, I go postal and kick it out, I think" You don't give a crap about me, so I don't give a crap about you" . Try it, it works wonders.... I figured out, all that deep love that I had for him was really my strong ability to love at that level, it was all within me all along, my being, that jerk just walked in and took advantage of the LOVE, he wasn't even worthy to receive it, evident in his deception.... I still have my moments though, but they are less and few, when I hear that song by Lady Antabellum , " It's a quarter past one, I'm a little drunk and I n-e-e-d you now"... It still hits a nerve, but... getting through that too. On a high note: It's starting to FEEL GOOD WHEN I WAKE UP AND LOOK FORWARD TO THE DAY, INSTEAD OF IMMEDIATELY THINKING OF HIM...i NOW THANK GOD FOR KEEPING ME, AND WHO KNOWS......REAL LOVE MAY FIND IT'S WAY TO ME, IN IT'S OWN TIME.... I'M WORTH IT! " CAN i GET A WITNESS????" lol. AS ALWAYS.
D a N G e R Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 What a great post. I'm at the same stage as you, it's been a little over 5 months NC and I am finally waking up and seizing the day for ME instead of constantly letting her dominate my thoughts. I know now that should she try to initiate contact, feed me breadcrumbs, whatever, I can stay in NC. I'm moving on to better things, hanging out with people that really care about me and I am extremely proud of my progress. Great post again. All it takes is the willpower to shut this person out of your mind and not give them the chance to make you unhappy anymore than the hell you have already been through. Realise that you are a better person with a great future and the world is your oyster.
Author Always A Lesson Posted March 6, 2010 Author Posted March 6, 2010 D A N G E R ----thanks for your response. Loving it. I'm so proud of both of our progress. It sure wasn't an easy road, matter fact, it was the hardest experience I've ever been through. I don't like to look back because it takes me there again, but I do remember in the beginning, laying in bed and basically feeling paralyzed, I couldn't move, I had lost all energy, motivation everything. it was like my life was sucked out of me. I had loved this guy so much so hard! It was awful. If it wasn't for LS, were would I be? It was the posts that opened my understanding. I hang around coping, cheating and break-up posts for some reason they capture my attention. In time I'll start reading the dating threads. I'm just not there yet. I'm not 100% where I should be, but at least I'm functioning and thinking of me for once. We're both on our way !
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