Ilovecake Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 All sorts of people keep telling me that I need to forgive myself for my failed relationship. I'm not sure exactly how to do that but I definitely started feeling extremely angry after the sad went away. I thought I was angry with my ex but as has been pointed out to me and as I now see I'm actually quite angry with myself for being weak and letting someone treat me badly and dating below my standard. Has anyone else experienced this? How did you reach self forgiveness?
McGrupp Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 feel the same way. i was angry at myself a lot for my actions (emails, begging, drunk dialing) ... so a lot of that is forgiving yourself. which happens with time i guess. so trying to get everything strait. because i put her first, i left my life behind. realizing i have to "small chunk it", ie small steps and not just one big one. i recently got my own place (after moving home from my own place with the ex) now im really scared because i dont really know anyone in the city im moving in. wanted to be by younger people so i took a chance. its only a 6 month lease, so i can always move back home. hopefully it makes me more independent and focus more on my goals and to get out of the comfort zone i was in with her, and the misery i found without her. meeting new people, getting a new job (hopefully) and pursuing my passion of writing comedy all happens if i make it. if i sit around and blame her or myself for not being where i want, its a cycle with no conclusion. so i say, try to forgive yourself, and move forward (cliches!) but to be the absolute person you want to be. (ps: its hard)
Author Ilovecake Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 Wow those are some very big brave steps. Good for you. I love living on my own, in my own apartment, nobody asking me what's for dinner or having to put up with other people's moods. I think you'll find it very rewarding. Try this website, I bet you can find other folks that are into writing comedy in your town. I like it because it's a social network but that revolves around common interests and there is no pressure. http://www.meetup.com/ I'm going to join one of the photo groups. I know I'll get there really soon. Every day it gets better. If nothing reminds me of him for a while things go back to normal and the anger subsides. I just never thought about self forgiveness before, it's a new concept to me.
GrayClouds Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 realizing i have to "small chunk it", ie small steps and not just one big one. i recently got my own place (after moving home from my own place with the ex) now im really scared because i dont really know anyone in the city im moving in. wanted to be by younger people so i took a chance. its only a 6 month lease, so i can always move back home. hopefully it makes me more independent and focus more on my goals and to get out of the comfort zone i was in with her, and the misery i found without her. meeting new people, getting a new job (hopefully) and pursuing my passion of writing comedy all happens if i make it. if i sit around and blame her or myself for not being where i want, its a cycle with no conclusion. (ps: its hard) McGrupp this is the highest quality post you have ever had. I congratulate you on your hard work, growth, and insight gained. There is no big solution, incremental success take discipline but will be lasting. Well done McGrupp, now keep at it.
Nikki Sahagin Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 I switched from being angry at him and angry at myself. Angry at him for how he treated me at the end. Angry with myself for how I treated him at the beginning. It really is horrible to have all that poison in you. I see why people have to project their faults onto others. I am very hard on myself and HYPERsensitive. I do see my relationship ending as a failure on my part at times and I am so fearful of getting into a new one. I think I have a fear of intimacy. I'm constantly pushing people away.
McGrupp Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 appreciate that gray. i think a huge thing for me was i was super scared to be alone. like suddenly i had to attach to my mom/dad/sisters/best friends/old friends/new girls and none of it was making me happy and i just resented being alone so much i was doing things i didnt want to do just to avoid being alone. so i decided i should get comfortable in my lonliness. learn to love myself again and so on. we shal see how it goes.
Nikki Sahagin Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Get comfortable in your loneliness? How are you achieving this?
Chi NZ Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Initially I was very angry at myself, for the way I treated her, the way I handled things in the end, for being me I guess. After a while, and putting things in perspective, I came to terms with these things, realised that they had already been said although not making them any less hurtful. Forgiving oneself for ones own misgivings is difficult, because you have to face what was said and done, it hurts. I have since forgiven myself and hope and pray that one day she will forgive me too
McGrupp Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 good question. i would say that you should try to find a passion/path that fulfills you. although i havent found an exact one yet, i feel like we put our ex's front and center in our lives. then when it all fell apart we were left with nothing. if we had been on our path/purpose, and they had decided to get off OUR train, then we couldve kept moving forward. instead we (and im not exactly sure about your exact situation) chose to shut down our focus on the goal and instead focus it in the shoudlve/couldve/wouldve's. so what i try to do is something everyday towards my goals. as i get going toward them I enivatebly A) feel better about myself B) meet new and enriching people C) see possibilities that wouldve not been possible if i was with my ex D) think a lot less about her. so am i comfortable by myself yes. do i miss her? yes. has she left my mind...no. but...im not sure what else there is to do except hopefully look back in 3-5 years...be somewhere i want to be and be able to look back and say if it wasnt for the breakup I wouldnt have done x,y,z nor would i be in this better place. i guess....
Ingenue Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 I`ve been grappling with this for a bit, though I`m not sure where my displeasure is directed at. The strange thing is that I`m happily involved in a relationship with a great guy and the breakup occurred some time ago. I just suddenly am feeling intense displeasure (possibly mild anger) at my ex and his complete lack of consideration for any person but himself. I think it`s reared its head because my current bf is so caring and compassionate and treats me well. Maybe I`m actually displeased at myself because even when my ex treated me with no respect and came fishing back into my life, I held fast to my rule of always being kind. Perhaps what I really needed to do was get satisfaction from that moment of petty revenge by parroting exactly what he said to me. Fantasy worlds are always so much more fulfilling.
sunrae Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 but...im not sure what else there is to do except hopefully look back in 3-5 years...be somewhere i want to be and be able to look back and say if it wasnt for the breakup I wouldnt have done x,y,z nor would i be in this better place. i guess.... That is so true McGrupp..... When my marriage ended 6 years ago. I was a wreak, and angry at myself. How could I let my marriage fail, how could I let him have used me after all these years, how could I..... I had to take a hard long scary look inside myself.. And looking inside yourself is a scary place. I got sad, angry and upset.. But finally I had to realise it takes TWO people to make a realtionship work. You have to put trust and faith in yourself and know that you did everything in your power to make the realationship work and be proud of that. Be proud of the sacrafices and compromises that you made to try to make it work. Be proud that you tried and didnt give up..... In a few months, years, look back and see how much you have healed and learned from this experiance. Six years ago, I never thought I would own my own condo, live by myself, be happy to go home to a quite house after a crazy day, be traveling to beautiful countries. So I see my ex gave me a gift, if I was still with him today, I would never have gotten to grow and experiance all the wonderful things I have.. But 6 six years ago when I was in my dark place I would have never seen this in my future. So Have Faith. Sigh, I'm so glad he cheated on me and I caught his sorry A$$..
Graywulfx Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 I'm new to this and am, by no means, a love expert. I can however relate to you on this matter. I recently went through a rough breakup and my mind has been plagued by "What ifs"... What if I tried harder? What if I had more time to spend with her? Would she still have cheated? I blamed myself heavily, but soon realized that it was counterproductive and hindered my growth as a person. I say use the situation as a catalyst to propel you forward, build yourself up to be a stronger person, so when that next relationship comes your way it is built on a stronger foundation than the last. Eh, its a process... and all processes take time.
USMCHokie Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Sigh, I'm so glad he cheated on me and I caught his sorry A$$.. Me too... :love: Oh snap. But seriously though, it is hard to imagine what life will bring X number of years from now...and it's hard for me to think things will be better...sometimes wish I could have a little more to go on than just faith...
EYECANDY000 Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 For the first week or so I was angry at myself. I questioned my actions everyday. I even texted him and asked "what did i do so wrong to deserve so much pain" and his response was "nothing" ... his main complaint about me was that I did things without thinking and so he called me "bubbles" I can laugh at the name now! But i thought well maybe I am to bubbly.. and maybe I do things somethimes without thinking. I blamed myself until someone gave me advice and helped me realize that I didnt do anything wrong. Ive went from blaming myself to totally seeing him as using that excuse as a copy- out, and so he used any small reason to let go of the relationship. One thing that I can say is, this is my first heartbreak and its helped me be a stronger person. I have started focusing so much on myself and putting myself first, like I should have all along.
GrayClouds Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 like suddenly i had to attach to my mom/dad/sisters/best friends/old friends/new girls and none of it was making me happy and i just resented being alone so much i was doing things i didnt want to do just to avoid being alone. so i decided i should get comfortable in my lonliness. learn to love myself again and so on. we shal see how it goes. F#CKING AWESOME Mc this take amazing sized nuts to admit and even more courage to work at it. Most people have to spend a couple of grands to get to this point. Your currently the LS poster child of "What Good That Can Come A Break Up"
Author Ilovecake Posted March 6, 2010 Author Posted March 6, 2010 For the first week or so I was angry at myself. I questioned my actions everyday. I even texted him and asked "what did i do so wrong to deserve so much pain" and his response was "nothing" ... his main complaint about me was that I did things without thinking and so he called me "bubbles" I can laugh at the name now! But i thought well maybe I am to bubbly.. and maybe I do things somethimes without thinking. I blamed myself until someone gave me advice and helped me realize that I didnt do anything wrong. Ive went from blaming myself to totally seeing him as using that excuse as a copy- out, and so he used any small reason to let go of the relationship. One thing that I can say is, this is my first heartbreak and its helped me be a stronger person. I have started focusing so much on myself and putting myself first, like I should have all along. I never blamed myself for the demise of my relationship. I did absolutely nothing wrong, being myself was not wrong. What I feel is more guilt for mistreating myself by spending all this time in what I always knew was a dead end relationship and actually putting effort into trying to make it work. I'm also mad that I would ever allow a man to treat me in a lesser way than I am worth. It's like now that I have seen my ex's true colors, I'm embarrassed that I was with someone who was so beneathe me.
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