Indhia_G Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Im currently in an relationship in which im not entirely happy in (i dont think either one of us truly is). We both love each other very much and have a son together. He is a bit older than i, and when i brought up the idea of me wanting to try an open relationship he freaked and said that he thought that i was passed all those experimental things. My thing is that ive never been in an open relationship and since i really dont want to leave him i would like to experience this with him not with anyone else. He has been in an open relationship before and says that it doesnt work with everyone and he doubts that it will work with us. I know im wrong for asking him about having an OR but i just wanted to be honest with him. Now hes, understandably, insecure and doesnt feel like i love him. Now, my question is, how can i prove to him that i do love him and that my asking for this isnt in any way because i dont want to be with him or because i dont love him. Has anyone been in an open relationship and its worked?
Jeff1962 Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 For me personally and this is just me. I cannot wrap my mind around an open relationship. I mean, if you are dating and have agreed to not be exclusive, this is one thing but to have a child together and are both unhappy, just leave. I could not in all honesty give me heart or my body to a person that I had a child with, knowing that they were with someone else as well. It would always bother me. I'd be like, you were having sex with this other guy last nite and now you want to have sex with me tonite. Eeewwwww. To each their own. Good luck.
Author Indhia_G Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 Thanks Jeff, But we actually discussed this and our "OR" would be without having sex with another person.. i know that an OR consists of sex with another person but thats not what i want or am looking for. All i want is to be able to go out and enjoy the company of another person without it being a huge issue. I thought this was the only way to go about that since hes usually asking me where am going, who am with, and when im coming back. I dont like that. i feel trapped. I need to be able to get out and breathe every once in a while. whether its with my guy friends or girlfriends.
CarrieT Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 The biggest problem is that you want to be in an open relationship because you are not happy in the one you are in. Open relationships (yes, I have been in some) ONLY work when you ARE happy with the person you are with and you want to expand what you have and share completely and honestly with each other. It sounds like you are escaping what isn't working and looking for something else but still wanting the security that you are in which will only lead to disaster.
xxoo Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Thanks Jeff, But we actually discussed this and our "OR" would be without having sex with another person.. i know that an OR consists of sex with another person but thats not what i want or am looking for. All i want is to be able to go out and enjoy the company of another person without it being a huge issue. I thought this was the only way to go about that since hes usually asking me where am going, who am with, and when im coming back. I dont like that. i feel trapped. I need to be able to get out and breathe every once in a while. whether its with my guy friends or girlfriends. Is he making an issue of you going out because he is controlling/jealous? If so, I think bringing up an OR would only make things worse... Is he making an issue because he wants to know where you are going, who with, and when you are coming back, and you are not wanting to give this information? As a partner, that is information I want. It is rare for either of us to ask for that info, because the other volunteers it. Often, it is written on the calendar, lol. You should be able to go out with your friends, within reason and without issue. There should be a balance of his time, your time, couple time, and family time. In the early years, the baby/kid gets the lion's share of the time, and the adults have to squeeze theirs in. That's normal but can still feel suffocating.
Author Indhia_G Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 CarrieT, i think your right... i read and re-read what you wrote and this might just be an escape. xxoo, The problem is not that i dont give the info he wants, cause i always do, its the other way around that it doesnt happen. He says that he doesnt like some of my friends so i think thats whats making him insecure or just doesnt want me hanging out with them. Its not like constantly hanging out, i rarely go out. Im always home with the baby and now working, then straight home... there are times when i need to get out and breathe a bit.. i spent 2 years without any social interaction except for the baby and my BF... i guess the OR is out of the question.
crazycatlady Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 I agree totally with CarrieT here. I'm in an open relationship now, have been for 4 years now, its not easy and we started out with a good relationship before we opened it up. But like Carrie said, it wasn't because something with missing that we did this. You are missing something. Opening things up won't find what it is. I think you know wha tyou need, and that's time for yourself that isn't work or child related. There is nothing wrong with telling your BF you need some me time. Course now that you brought up the open relationship thing, he might be more insecure and unwilling to let you have the time. This can be difficult. But its much healthier for all involved if you have a life outside of your work and family too. Its something you need for your own sanity. This is going to mean a lot of talking about this in a calm relaxed manner. And maybe some deep thinking on your part as to why you are so unhappy and he is so insecure. But this is definately not the recipe for a successful open relationship. Its pretty much the recipe of disaster. CCL
Jeff1962 Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 I agree with xxoo and crazycatlady. We as individuals need our time. Time to just piss off, play a game, sleep, go out, whatever. Ask yourself this, wherin does this problem lie over you going out with friends? Should your husband have a legitmate reason for concern regarding the company you keep? Do not missunderstand me, I know that you are an individual and can make your own decisions by your own accord. What your friends may partake in, does not necessarialy mean that you will follow in suit. But remember the old addage, "birds of a feather will flock together". If your Husband is insecure, reassaure him that you are committed to only him. If he is controlling, then you have a different situation to deal with. Your H does not have to like all of your friends but he needs to be able to trust you. To be honest, when my wife goes out, it is for drinks with friends and dinner. She does not go out and dance or hang out with other guys. I personally would not approve of this. You've kind of left your plight vague, so I'm just throwing things out there.
persian_femme Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 IMy thing is that ive never been in an open relationship and since i really dont want to leave him i would like to experience this with him not with anyone else. He has been in an open relationship before and says that it doesnt work with everyone and he doubts that it will work with us. I know im wrong for asking him about having an OR but i just wanted to be honest with him. I agree with CarrieT too... I am confused at the quote above. Do you want to have it just because you never been in an OR? Or because you want to be able to have/make new friends from this point on? Telling him you want an OR can sound devastating if things are how you say (both unhappy). If you want the relationship between you and your husband you should fix things up before you do anything else. Even then if you present this in the future it may bring back buried feelings. Otherwise just split up.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 As for myself and relationships - I'm either in one and it's exclusive, or I'm not. I suppose I am naturally monogamous.
troggleputty Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 An attractive woman who loves her husband won't tolerate being in an open relationship. An unattractive woman has to put up with it to keep a man who wants it, I suppose. An attractive woman who doesn't love her husband can call the shots on whether the relationship is open or not.
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