CreativeShark Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 I have been engaged for a few months now. I was married before and so was he. He has a son and has joint custody. This means he pretty much sees his son every couple of days sometimes more. He and his ex-wife are on good terms. All this is fine. I believe its better to be on friendly terms. There have been a few issues between the both of them, typical stuff. My problem is I am getting so tired of having to hear everything about his ex-wife. I realize that for the sake of his son, he talks with her, but they don't limit their conversations to just their son. I have noticed that she has been telling him a lot about her life. I also talk with my ex, but really I don't care about what he is doing. As a matter of fact I would rather not hear it. I am so ready to let go of the past and talk and plan about the future. Even though my fiance and I are talking about the future and plan to get married within the next two years, it seems that he is stuck in the past. I hear all about their honeymoon to Hawaii, how smart she was and what a great cook she was. He loved her family. OK, again I know this is a part of what he lived. But honestly I am weary of it. I am very sure there is no physical attraction, but I am concerned with the emotional attachment that I suspect is still lingering. Is there any advice on how to deal with this? I don't want to end up looking like a jealous idiot. I am not jealous of her, I am just tired of hearing about her. If I tell him that, I know that he will take offense. Any insights?
boogieboy Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 You could try saying to him "Please stop talking about your ex, I dont want to hear about her, I want to talk about US."
Twenty-ten Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Without getting into too many specifics, what kinds of things does he tell you? Is it venting stuff, revelations about their past relationship, or simply day to day stuff that she is going through that he now is sharing with you. Reason I ask this is because it is relevant to my response to you. This is a touchy subject that should be broached accordingly, ie. with kid gloves but you clearly need to make him aware that what he is doing does not sit well with you.
Author CreativeShark Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 I think that will be my next step. I have just read/heard so many people say, oh its a big part of their lives and its very natural for them to talk about their ex, but my patience is running very thin. I haven't said anything yet, because I didn't want to hear, oh she is my son's mother. Which I know will be the first words coming out. I feel that we are always talking about his son and the son's mother. I know that has to happen sometimes, but it sounds like a broke record anymore.
freestyle Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 I think he could be showing a little more sensitivity to how it makes YOU feel when he's boasting about her intelligence and cooking skills. He probably doesn't mean any harm, but still----i can see how it would get old. I would try the shoe on the other foot tactic----start bragging about what a geat lover, and cook, and how smart YOUR ex was........ .......maybe he'll catch a clue.
Author CreativeShark Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 Without getting into too many specifics, what kinds of things does he tell you? Is it venting stuff, revelations about their past relationship, or simply day to day stuff that she is going through that he now is sharing with you. Reason I ask this is because it is relevant to my response to you. This is a touchy subject that should be broached accordingly, ie. with kid gloves but you clearly need to make him aware that what he is doing does not sit well with you. Its all of the above. I guess it makes me feel like "do we have a life together?" if so, when why is she such a big subject in our discussions? I guess what made me get on here to ask for suggestions is that it bothered me when he brought up that she was telling him about stuff that wasn't relevant to his son. Like what she was spending her tax return on, new things happening in her life and those kinds of things. That tells me that there is way more conversation going on between the two of them. That combined with hearing about how great their honeymoon vacation to Hawaii was and how wonderful all the cooking was is really making me feel like I am really not measuring up. Different things, come up different days, but sometimes I feel like I will never be as big a part of his life as she was. They were married 10+ years (?) I on the other hand I was married 23 years and believed in forever. Didn't happen though. Which is yet another story.
Twenty-ten Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 oh I missed this: . Even though my fiance and I are talking about the future and plan to get married within the next two years, it seems that he is stuck in the past. I hear all about their honeymoon to Hawaii, how smart she was and what a great cook she was. He loved her family. That is out of line, unless of course you are telling us this out of context. If he just offers all these thoughts out of the blue then he is out of line. I would flat out ask him what is going on and that you feel he is reminiscing a lot about the past with his ex? That perhaps this is something he needs to discuss with a professional therapist to give emotional closure to his past. Otherwise reminiscing about the past is counter productive to what you are trying to have with him in the present and for your future. No holds barred, you need to tell him you are not his mom, you are his wife to be. If he has unresolved emotional issues he needs to resolved them, away from you.
sumdude Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Must admit it seems a bit insensitive on his part. If I ever get engaged and married again the last thing I would talk about while planning a new wedding and honeymoon would be the first one... which didn't work out in the end. I'll take a guess that his ex wife was the initiator of the separation and divorce?
Twenty-ten Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 (edited) Its all of the above. I guess it makes me feel like "do we have a life together?" if so, when why is she such a big subject in our discussions? I guess what made me get on here to ask for suggestions is that it bothered me when he brought up that she was telling him about stuff that wasn't relevant to his son. Like what she was spending her tax return on, new things happening in her life and those kinds of things. That tells me that there is way more conversation going on between the two of them. That combined with hearing about how great their honeymoon vacation to Hawaii was and how wonderful all the cooking was is really making me feel like I am really not measuring up. Different things, come up different days, but sometimes I feel like I will never be as big a part of his life as she was. They were married 10+ years (?) I on the other hand I was married 23 years and believed in forever. Didn't happen though. Which is yet another story. Sorry, I had missed some of your opening statement but I just posted about it. I think you have every right to feel what you are feeling. He is being quite insensitive to your feelings and it would definitely make any person feel like their life with their partner hasn't "quite begun" if they are constantly reminiscing and making comments about their ex. Having said that, to his defense he may really not even realize what he is doing, yes I know it sounds nuts but some guys really don't get it. He may feel so comfortable with you and see you as not only his lover but a friend that he feels like he is including you in his conversations with his ex. But what he doesn't' realize is that "inclusion" is not what you are after. You should be the team with him and he should include his ex (if at all) into your life, not the other way around. Also, the idea that he is telling you about current conversations leads me to think he may be doing this to make you feel like he is being completely honest with you, which in a sense is a good thing. And this is why I say you need to be careful how you proceed. Let him know how this makes you feel, don't go into too much explanation as to not make this bigger than it is and simply drive the point home. If you are now together then there is no reason why he should keep discussing things about his ex, you understand that they need to share a good relationship for the sake of their son and you are happy and supportive of that, but you don’t see the point of having her life and the past they had together creep up in conversation in our day to day life. Simple as that. If he has unresolved feelings he would benefit from discussing things with someone neutral, like a therapist who can help him put his past to rest. Otherwise you don’t want to live in his past. Edited March 5, 2010 by Twenty-ten
Author CreativeShark Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 Must admit it seems a bit insensitive on his part. If I ever get engaged and married again the last thing I would talk about while planning a new wedding and honeymoon would be the first one... which didn't work out in the end. I'll take a guess that his ex wife was the initiator of the separation and divorce? No he asked for the divorce because they grew apart in the end. That is also what happened with mine. So yes, in turn, I NEVER refer to anything in my past marriage unless it directly has something to do with the conversation and I am very brief with it even then. I want to forget not revel in it. Another thing that really made me start thinking about how much he is involved with his ex was that she disappointed her son yesterday, by not picking up at his bus stop at the last minute. The kid was in tears. So he told him to call his mom to ask why she didn't pick him up. OK long story short, he was trying to think of things to benefit his son so he wouldn't be disappointed so much. His thought was to have his son stay even more with him and not go back and fourth everyday. OK, the way he said this to me was "I might just have him stay with me more during the week which will take away being with you". Like it was no big deal. He comes over to my house when his son isn't with him. All in all, this is ok with me, but I just didn't like the "no big deal about taking time away with me" part. Which of course dug up all kinds of emotions. Especially after hearing that his ex discusses more than I thought about her personal life with him.
ADF Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 I don't think you could do much better than to tell your ex exactly what you told us. You're quite eloquent, and you're not asking for anything unreasonable.
Recommended Posts