mattlovesher Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly two years. She's a very independent woman (a trait I admire and appreciate in her), and has a number of male friends that she sees on occasion to stay in touch. One particular friend just rubbed me the wrong way; I didn't like their "dates" - they were far more than friend meetings in my eyes...a lunch that lasted five hours and culminated with a walk in Central Park, a Yankee game (that I was also attending, btw...never saw my girlfriend there), to the movies to see a show that we had planned to see together...whatever. I just had a bad feeling about him. I made my feelings known prior to the baseball game. I told my girlfriend that I didn't trust him, and that I thought he perhaps had different intentions than she. She told me nothing was going on, and that he wasn't inappropriate with her. Please understand, I do not for a second think my girlfriend is cheating; I just think her friend is totally inappropriate in how he interacts with her. After the baseball game, her phone had a number of consecutive texts from her "friend." Suspicion got the better of me, and I violated her trust and opened the messages. One said "U better look hot." Another said, "So, u ready to leave ur boyfriend yet?" I confronted her with this, and told her that this was not how friends speak to each other, and that it was completely disrespectful of our relationship. She told me she would speak to him about it, and I trust her, so I believe she did. Several months have gone by since, and I peeked at her phone again the other day. There is a message from him that reads, "What r u in the mood for? Sex?" He is clearly not her friend, despite what she might think. And though my girlfriend is not interested in him, does not reply in kind, and has no intentions herself, this is entirely inappropriate. Am I out of line to demand that she stop seeing this guy?
mansquito Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 I'd say there's about a 75% chance that she actually is cheating on you. Even if she isn't, a chick who continues to hang out with a guy who gives her that kind of attention isn't somebody I'd want to be in a relationship with.
blue.iris Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 I don't think she's cheating on you. She's been your girlfriend for two years. If she was really interested in this friend of hers and he showers her with this much affection then she would have broken it off with you and started going out with him. Obviously, since she hasn't done that, she is not interested in the friend in that way. Sounds like a very similar situation that I have about my boyfriend's female friend. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t222437/ You should make it clear to her that she should set boundaries with her friend. If it bothers you that the friend is texting her with stuff like 'when are you leaving your bf,' even if he's joking, you should make it clear to her that you're not comfortable with those jokes. By not replying to his texts, she's not stopping his behavior.
Bryanp Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 I am sorry my friend but you are in huge denial. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. If the roles were reversed do you think your girlfriend would accept such disrespect from you? There is a solid chance that she is cheating on you. The messages indicate that she likes him hitting on her and she no way has told him to stop. She goes on long dates with him? Again if you were going on long dates with another woman do you think she would be O.K. with it? I doubt it. It seems obvious that she sees you as a doormat. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Why are you so accepting of such disrespectful and humiliating behavior from her?
jnj express Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 You are acting like a doormat in this situation----if you have been with this girl/woman for 2 years, then I would guess your relationship is somewhat serious----Women in relationships do not go out with other guys. If they wanna go out with other guys they stay single and out of a relationship. Your GF at the least is disrespecting you bigtime, and at the worse is having sex. She is spending far toooo much time with this guy. Tell her she MUST go NC now, or the 2 of you are over-----get hardnosed about this, it is not just some innocent friendly association. He is way out of line in the way he talks to her, and she permits and obviously likes and encourages it. t45465768i There are way to many girls out there who will
jnj express Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 sorry computer messed up---anyway to finish there are plenty of girls out there who want to be exclusive and won't run around with other men when in a relationship----find one who suits you and drop this independent woman who is disrespecting you
McGrupp Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 first if u dont want to lose her, DONT ACT INSECURE OR BRING IT UP TOO MUCH. 2nd u should suggest yo all go out together and see how they interact. she might just like the flirting. but i mean...dont act crazy and accuse her, b/c u never know (clearly im giving her the benefit of the doubt). however, he is clearly trying to make a move. guys dont have too many girlfriends who they arent attracted to. but he sounds like a chump. only losers go after somebody else's gf. what were her messages back? anyway...you could easily push her into his arms by acting insecure and accusing her. so be patient, trust your gut, and always be ready to walk away. in fact mentally prepare for it. only one parachute in a breakup
make me believe Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 (edited) Even if she's not cheating on you (which she may be -- I'm not sure why you're so convinced she's not), she's completely disrespecting you. She's obviously doing SOMETHING that tells her "friend" it's ok for him to ask if she wants sex, suggest she leaves her bf, etc. If she was respecting you & your relationship, she would immediately put him in his place when he says things like that. Actually, she shouldn't be "friends" with him at all, because clearly he is interested in her in a sexual/romantic way. You trusted her to speak to this guy about the way he was talking to her several months ago, but based on the last text you found she clearly didn't do that! So I think at this point you're just burying your head in the sand because you don't want to face the very real (and, imo, likely) possibility that she's fking this guy on the side. Sorry, dude. Trust is good when it's deserved, but your girlfriend obviously doesn't deserve it. If a male "friend" of mine ever spoke to me like that, I would drop him immediately. Oh, and even if she's not fking him and is just enjoying the flirting/attention.. do you want to be with a girl who needs attention from other guys in order to boost her self-esteem? Edited March 5, 2010 by make me believe
Hop_prophet Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 If I was a betting man, I would place a very confident bet that she is cheating on you. You were suspicious for a reason and those suspicions were confirmed. You should stop placing the blame on this guy and start placing it on your girlfriend. How can you trust someone who lies to your face and encourages such disrespect? He wasn't being inappropriate with her??? What planet is she living on? You are not out of line for suggesting anything of the sort. I suggest you dump her preemptively.
Author mattlovesher Posted March 6, 2010 Author Posted March 6, 2010 I know she's not cheating; that's not the issue. I'm pissed that he even has the audacity to send her such messages - whether they're playful or not doesn't matter. I feel like it's blatant disrespect. So, barring anything else that you might infer, do you think I'm justified in demanding that she end this relationship solely based on the texts alone?
Author mattlovesher Posted March 6, 2010 Author Posted March 6, 2010 He is a chump, and she's not interested in him. I know this. But I think it's totally inappropriate and wrong for him to be speaking to my gf like that. I mean, how would this make you feel? You think I shouldn't confront her?
carhill Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Yours and her friends are just that, friends. They support each of you and your relationship and share their lives with you. This would be an excellent time for your GF to communicate some boundaries to this gentleman while in your presence. She doesn't need to recount his past poor decorum as a friend, but rather make positive statements, like she welcomes him to be a supporter of your relationship and that she and you will be happy to enjoy his company as a couple. If your GF chooses to prioritize this attachment over your relationship, then it'll be up to you to decide whether you should continue in it. Communicate your boundaries and accept what happens as the truth.
reservoirdog1 Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 I don't know if she's cheating on you or not. It's certainly possible, but that's all I can say on that. What's more important is that this guy is clearly trying to get in your GF's pants. And that, my friend, makes him an enemy of the relationship you have with your GF. I don't have any issue with each member of a heterosexual couple having friends of the opposite sex. Neither partner should be allowed to lay down a blanket rule prohibiting that. However, it's NOT unreasonable to require that ALL people who are friends of one of the two partners must be "friends of the relationship". That doesn't mean that those friends socialize with both people as a couple -- but it DOES mean that those friends are supportive of the relationship and are not trying to undermine it. And dude... that guy is trying to undermine your relationship. I'd be annoyed as hell by that.
Author mattlovesher Posted March 6, 2010 Author Posted March 6, 2010 I don't think she's cheating on you. She's been your girlfriend for two years. If she was really interested in this friend of hers and he showers her with this much affection then she would have broken it off with you and started going out with him. Obviously, since she hasn't done that, she is not interested in the friend in that way. You should make it clear to her that she should set boundaries with her friend. If it bothers you that the friend is texting her with stuff like 'when are you leaving your bf,' even if he's joking, you should make it clear to her that you're not comfortable with those jokes. By not replying to his texts, she's not stopping his behavior. I know she's not into him. We're serious about each other, and I know she isn't cheating. But I already did have this very conversation with her. So this latest text can only mean that A) she didn't speak to him about his inappropriate messages, or B) he's just not listening.
carhill Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 OP, if one of your female friends was disrespecting your relationship and/or undermining it with such assertions/comments, what would you do to prioritize your GF? I know what I'd do. We'd have a little 'come to Jesus' friendship talk, the success of which would depend on a positive resolution of the boundaries I communicated.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 It seems a bit weak of your girlfriend to permit this kind of behavior from / with her "friend" when she's in a committed relationship with you. One would hope that she herself would put a stop to it without you needing to spy.
jnj express Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Hey Matt----no matter what your beef here is with your GF, and only your GF. You are NOT in a relationship with this other guy, you ARE in a relationship with your GF. It is up to her to shut this other guy down----once she has done that, and if I were you I would be present when she conveys her message, by e-mail, or letter, then if he persists, then you can step in and do whatever you think is necessary, but once again---she needs to shut him down and tell him to stay away from herself.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 There is a message from him that reads, "What r u in the mood for? Sex?" I hate to state the obvious here, but when a man asks a woman this he: a. knows what her 'sex' mood is b. is comfortable and casual enough in asking that is not a new thing for them There is no way on the face of earth that this is a platonic relationship. No one, and I mean NO ONE who is in a platonic relationship with someone brings up sex as an option between the two of them, even in jest. Would you text something like this to your male friends? To your sister? To your mother? Hell no. That is the difference between platonic and what your girlfriend has going on. Why is she keeping you around? You might be better longevity material, or either the other man does not want to be her boyfriend and she is holding on to you because this other guy will not commit to her in a meaningful enough way for her to leave you. I'd be out, like YESTERDAY.
2sunny Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 any way you look at it - she is disrespecting you and expecting you to put up with it - or lying by saying she talked to him when she actually continues with him to get an ego feed from him. ask yourself why you are willing to put up with a gal you even have to wonder about - and is willing to disrespect you?
troggleputty Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 I think your girlfriend has a boyfriend. And I'm not talking about you.
troggleputty Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 He is a chump, and she's not interested in him. I know this. But I think it's totally inappropriate and wrong for him to be speaking to my gf like that. I mean, how would this make you feel? You think I shouldn't confront her? Your "chump-o-meter" is incorrectly calibrated and pointing in the wrong direction.
Bryanp Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Matt, You say he is a chump and she is not interested in him because the both of you are very serious yet: 1. She goes out to eat with him and goes for long walks in the park. 2. She goes to movies with him to see films that she knows that you want to take her to. 3. He continue to sexually flirt and text her after you told her that this must stop but she continues to allow this anyway. There is an old saying that says you judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. Again if the roles were reversed I doubt that she would be so accepting as you have been. There is nobody as blind as he who refuses to see. Does this ring a bell Matt?
blue.iris Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Matt, You say he is a chump and she is not interested in him because the both of you are very serious yet: 1. She goes out to eat with him and goes for long walks in the park. 2. She goes to movies with him to see films that she knows that you want to take her to. 3. He continue to sexually flirt and text her after you told her that this must stop but she continues to allow this anyway. There is an old saying that says you judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. Again if the roles were reversed I doubt that she would be so accepting as you have been. There is nobody as blind as he who refuses to see. Does this ring a bell Matt? For all you know this guy looks like mr. potato head with severe acne and a dandruff problem. If the OP knows for sure his girlfriend isn't cheating, there probably is an ironclad reason he knows she's not cheating. However, she is very used to the attention this guy gives her. Matt, it could very possibly be that this guy doesn't really listen to her when she asks him to quit the flirty texts. I think you would be very reasonable in asking her to limit her contact with this guy if he ignores her requests about the inappropriate texts.
carhill Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Another option is the girl is using both guys to ratchet up drama. Attention whores do this.
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