kickintheaz Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 so, this day last year I woke up unhappy, I knew I loved the woman I was with and was very much IN love with her.. but I was scared, had been for a while, scared of the future, scared to commit, scared to move in with her, all because I had been burned badly in a previous Relationship which had led me to some destructive behaviour during this one.. so I cowered behind my computer and I wrote ex an email telling her this and told her i didn't think it would work anymore, after 3+ years.. 1 year ago, since I made the single biggest mistake of my life... took me a while to realise.. and here I am, finally coming up on 3 weeks proper NC.. and guess what..I awake unhappy... I have so many mixed emotions today.. I hate that man who woke up a year ago and fcked up my life, started me down the path of a year of begging and pleading and putting her first.. and yet I should be happy, I've got 3rd date tonight with a hot, smart, funny, intelligent, stylish woman.. and its dinner in my house ffs.. she's staying ffs.. and all I can think about is going back a year and slapping me in the head and telling me to cop on... this is it, the first anniversary of losing the woman I realised, after the fact, that I wanted in my life forever.. I know I know, she's an ex for a reason, and theres someone better and go with this new girl and distract yourself and who knows what might happen etc etc.. its just, every day, I feel like I am so much further away from my ex, from the woman who knows me so so well, the woman I have given my heart to, that I fought for (and rarely with) last year, the woman who made me realise what I finally wanted in life, the woman who I still think of when I'm doing the dam grocery shopping... I know she's gone and I know I've lost her, but goddammit I don't want to lose her any more.. she is drifting away from me and I all I want is to reel her back and make her happy.. but I guess she is happy, in fact, I know I shouldn't care how she is.. god I was doing so well, am doing so well, I guess it hit me like a tonne of bricks last night, its one year since I started on the road that leads me here, sitting on LS at 10:09am in a wee town in the middle of ireland, crying over a woman who couldn't or wouldn't return my love and give me that last chance to show her she was my world... I am sad now... tears streaming down my face.. I typed 3 txts to her this morn and deleted them (yay?).. its not like after everything I did a txt to wish her a happy singles anniversary will make her come running back.. of everything I learned I definitely learned that.. I am sad I miss her so much I'm kinda happy bout 3rd date tonight (which I think will be good, otherwise alkeyhol may be drunk and stupid calls made!!!) if anyone is back in 2009 there please look me up and hit me.... I know tomorrow I will wake up ok but for now, I want to mourn the loss.... AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH heartbreak suckin ****s....
Perhaps Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 i know EXACTLY what you mean. i hate myself for something very similar that i did... it sucks because our problem is very different from the problem faced by most others here. i really wish i could go back in time just to undo the damage. i can't live with myself.
selena_cat Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 Yes i read your post back in 2009 and sorry your still feeling bad but now i'll hit you.isnt that what you asked? Particularly since i didnt hear anything from ya
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