Sad? Disappointed?

[sistergldnhair66]

Hi everyone. I've been married for 23 years and this past October I asked my husband for a divorce. I feel this has been a long long time coming, we've drifted apart over time, and especially in the past 6-7 years. We own a business together, he became addicted to online gaming (everquest, World of Warcraft) and began to stay away from home weeks at a time. I was very sick 2 years ago, and was bedridden basically on a feeding tube, and he stayed at the office for days on end. never even calling to see how I was. All of this, and the fact that he began isolate and detach from the family, which has made him become such a miserable, antisocial person, led me to my decision. I want happiness. I've fought to stay together to work things out so many times in the past and suddenly felt, it should be this hard.

So I asked him for a divorce, he moved out, and got an apartment. I did find out after this that a few weeks before my asking him, he began seeing an old friend he found on facebook. This has since ended. But I also found out through a mutual friend that my husband was having gender issues. For a long time before our break up. She said he confided in her, that he wanted to be a woman, would dress up as a woman, was working on changing his voice, looking into sex change..etc. This came as a total shock to me, but because I don't want to make problems for my friend, I have to keep on the charade that I don't know this side of him. He felt I was not ready to hear it, he told her. So in my heart I know I am making the right move in my life. I am going to try to make the fact that we own the business together work, and hopefully we can work together.

I am feeling a little sad about it all. We were married so long, and it saddens me that this is where we ended up. Is this normal? even for me who wanted the divorce? I feel our kids are somewhat damaged seeing the bizarre relationship I had with him, and I hope they know that this is not what marriage is supposed to be.

Thanks all for listening.

 

Eileen

[Gunny376]

First let me qualify something about myself?

 

I read ~ a lot about a lot of things, and have an interst in a lot of things that so called 'normal people' haven't any interest in. You name it, business, finance, interpersonal relationships, stocks, bonds, astronmy, physics, history, law, constitional law, military, guns, marksmanship, poltics, the Civil War, WWI, WWII, enginerring.

 

In short? I guess I would describe myself as a scholar that pursues knowlege for the sake of knowledge and understanding.

 

I've got a lot of books that I've read and am reading. My x wife and girl friend use to cringe when we would even go near a bookstore.

 

One of the first books I read about "sex' was titled, "Everything You've Ever Wanted To Know About Sex, But Were Afraid To Ask" I was 15.

 

I've got the Readers Digest Book on how to fix anyting in a house. I've got books about how mechaics rip you off. I've got books about car repair. I've got Warren Buffets book as to how he got rich. I've got Hellen Hunt's book on "DebtProof Living"

 

So to the issue at hand?

 

If there's such a thing or person such as a "Tom-boy" by definition there's such a person as a man wanting to express and experince femininity.

 

That doesn't mean that he's gay, or even bisexual.

 

When looking at another person? You need to think of a diamond with its many facets. There's the facet of sexuailty, there's the facet of gender.

There's the facet of individuality?

 

Not any and all crossdressers/transvesties are gay. Indeed from my readings most of them are straight ~ they just need to get "girly" from time to time.

 

If you divorce him (I was going to say tha' SOB!) divorce him beause he wasn't there for you as a human being when you were sick ~ aks~ selfish!

and needed him to be there for you and care for you while you were ill!

 

You, he and the children need to get into couseling!

 

You just to deal with this BS! He to get his head right!

 

And for the children? Damage control!

[sistergldnhair66]

Rest assured, that the crossdressing/transgender issues that I have discovered, really did not play into my decision to end our marriage. I had decided this long before I found that out.

It is his attitude, behavior, narcassistic ways that I have grown to dislike. I stayed longer than my heart said to.

I'm just getting sad, scared of the future...that sort of thing, which I'm assuming is normal for this process. We were together for 23 years.

[Gunny376]

that the crossdressing/transgender issues that I have discovered .......................... is his attitude, behavior, narcassistic ways that I have grown to dislike

 

I would think they go hand in hand to some degree.

 

You did just fine before you meet and married him. You'll do just fine when he's gone.

[Gunny376]

Here before us is a woman that has been married to a man for over a decade, has had children with, grown children with, owns a business with, pouring her heart, soul and anguish over?

 

Yet not one other than will I touch it nor respond?

 

If this thread was about having sex with clowns and dancing bears we'ed be all over that like a pack of hungry dogs on a sick, hacking, coughing three legged cat!

 

A 152 reads and not one response? Other than mine.

 

Oh! I grant you I know the type well. I've studied them. Selfish, self-centered, "Me, me, me ~ its all about me!"

 

Its us "givers" that give that get tied up with the "takers" that makes us such a mess.

 

Marriage? I can tell you what marriage is suppose to be! Its suppose to be about one man loving one woman!

 

Its suppose to be about one man and one woman subligating their wants, needs, and desires for that of another while knowing that they would more than willingly do the same for them!

 

That's damn hard to come by! Precious!

 

And when ~ if you ever find it?

 

Don't screw it up!

[LonelyTiger]

I have a very good 'male' friend, who believes he should have been born a woman. There is nothing narcissistic about him. He/she (yes I find it a little confusing) is one of the kindest, most selfless people I know.

 

He's only young and he has agonised over his feelings for too many years, because he was afraid of hurting the people he loves. I am delighted for him that he's now made the decision to change gender - before he gets married or has children and puts himself in a position where he will, at some point, have to hurt even more people. The process will take years and it will be difficult and painful for him, but he has some good friends, including myself, who will stand by him through all of it.

 

I am also friends with his father and I will be there to support him too, when the time comes for him to know the truth. I suspect he will be angry and confused and maybe even blame himself, we'll have to wait and see and deal with it when it happens.

 

I feel for you sistergldnhair. This must be really, really tough for you.

 

Of course, you are right that this marriage needs to be over. For both your sakes. Neither of you will be happy in the long run.

 

Having seen the mental anguish that someone can go through in his situation, I think your husband's behaviour is probably understandable, if not excusable. How many of us could honestly say that we'd have the guts to 'come out' about something like this - especially when we are young and starting out in life. Your husband probably wanted to live a 'normal' life and who can blame him. It is a very sad situation, for both of you.

 

You don't mention how old your children are but from the length of your marriage I'm guessing at least in their teens. Kids are very resilient and it is possible to 'undo' any damage you think may have been caused. If you say you weren't aware of your husbands true feelings then he must have pretended to be a reasonable husband for the first 15 years of your marriage, so your kids may not be as damaged as you think.

 

If you can come to terms with the person your husband really is, through therapy if necessary, there's no reason why you couldn't carry on working together. I would tell him that you know. I think he will be relieved and I bet your relationship will improve dramatically. Then maybe you can both start getting on with your new lives, while keeping things friendly for your business and the kids.

 

Good luck.