TaraMaiden Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 You think: "If my mother were dying, would this still be an issue?" If it fades into insignificance, then it's an annoyance. If it would still niggle, it's a deal-breaker.
Crazy Magnet Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 You think: "If my mother were dying, would this still be an issue?" If it fades into insignificance, then it's an annoyance. If it would still niggle, it's a deal-breaker. I totally agree. I had to learn this the hard way when my mother actually died. It was still an issue so I dumped the guy. But I've always used that time frame as a reference for what is truly annoying vs a deal breaker.
threebyfate Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 It depends on whether the annoyance is anchored in a larger issue or not and how you would feel about it, over time. If an annoyance recurs in your arguments without permanent resolution, it can and will become a dealbreaker.
carhill Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 When dating and seeing signals of the incompatibilities I worked my tail off in MC about, I pay attention to that, especially when it comes to signals of emotional distance and/or unavailability. Very little will ever rise above putting my mom in an urn, so, for me, that's not a valid comparison. An annoyance is something I can resolve or accept; a dealbreaker is everything else.
TouchedByViolet Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 Annoyance is having to go to work, go grocery shopping, clean the place, not having sex as much as I would like, and having to compromise a lot more than I am use to. Dealbreaker is doing all the above and not getting a smile at the end of the day
Awesome Username Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Annoyance is having to go to work, go grocery shopping, clean the place, not having sex as much as I would like, and having to compromise a lot more than I am use to. Dealbreaker is doing all the above and not getting a smile at the end of the day That is a great way of putting it. I agree with your definition!
OnlyJake Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Annoyance is having to go to work, go grocery shopping, clean the place, not having sex as much as I would like, and having to compromise a lot more than I am use to. Dealbreaker is doing all the above and not getting a smile at the end of the day That is a great way of putting it. I agree with your definition! (Not attacking either of you) I disagree with this. Maybe this isn't how you intended it, but to me this sounds like the other person is responsible for your happiness to an extent. Sorry to disagree/argue with you on this; I don't really have my own answer to the OP off the top of my head, and this was the first post that was a talking point for me. Doing the day-to-day living stuff has nothing to do with an SO. Or at least it shouldn't, IMO. This makes it sound like your SO shouldn't make any demands, or have needs. It sounds like you expect your SO to be entirely self-sufficient and need and want nothing from you, to not disagree with you, to not get annoyed or bicker with you, ever. It makes it sound as though the second your SO is anything but completely happy with you, with the relationship and with life in general, you're done, as s/he has become a dealbreaker; another one of life's little annoyances.
TouchedByViolet Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 That is a great way of putting it. I agree with your definition! Thanks! (Not attacking either of you) I disagree with this. Maybe this isn't how you intended it, but to me this sounds like the other person is responsible for your happiness to an extent. Sorry to disagree/argue with you on this; I don't really have my own answer to the OP off the top of my head, and this was the first post that was a talking point for me. Doing the day-to-day living stuff has nothing to do with an SO. Or at least it shouldn't, IMO. This makes it sound like your SO shouldn't make any demands, or have needs. It sounds like you expect your SO to be entirely self-sufficient and need and want nothing from you, to not disagree with you, to not get annoyed or bicker with you, ever. It makes it sound as though the second your SO is anything but completely happy with you, with the relationship and with life in general, you're done, as s/he has become a dealbreaker; another one of life's little annoyances. Maybe you have misinterpreted my meanings OnlyJake. My definitions were open to a bit of interpretation, so let me specify. I group all the struggles and work that comes with relationships under the category of an annoyance. This includes things you have mentioned such as arguments, demands, needs, etc. (we wish they were not there but relationships take work) A dealbreaker is when a person gives there best effort at the annoyance category but the SO doesn't acknowledge there efforts, or show caring/compassion.
Austen Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Can you imagine living with the annoyance every day for the rest of your lives together? If not, then it's a deal breaker.
soulm8 Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 An annoyance can grow into resentment if it's ignored. Look at the issue and figure out if there's a simple solution to resolve it by bringing it up. Beware, sometimes an annoyance is actually an opportunity for you to grow as a person... because it challenges your self esteem.
OnlyJake Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Maybe you have misinterpreted my meanings OnlyJake. My definitions were open to a bit of interpretation, so let me specify. I group all the struggles and work that comes with relationships under the category of an annoyance. This includes things you have mentioned such as arguments, demands, needs, etc. (we wish they were not there but relationships take work) A dealbreaker is when a person gives there best effort at the annoyance category but the SO doesn't acknowledge there efforts, or show caring/compassion. That's pretty much what I thought you meant, so I guess we just have different views on what's annoying Thanks for clarifying!
Green Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 You won't be able to just forget and get over it if its a dealbreak... obviously an annoyance can over time become a dealbreaker
skydiveaddict Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 [COLOR=#810081]deal breakers : is taller than me refuses to do what i say is not totally hot looking is ugly is one of those girls who holds the stop signs on road construction projects does construction work of any kind is a truck driver is not wild in the bedroom is too wild in the bedroom tries to tell me what to do tries to 'dress" me will not put out after the 2nd date will not use dental floss wears conservative, ugly underwear will not get breast implants if i tell her she needs them buys me an electric shaver for christmas buys me any kind appliance for christmas chews tabacco will not do oral trys to take me shopping tells me i watch too much football tells me she doesn't want me skydiving anymore if she belches if she complains when i belch tries to make me watch movies like "sleepless in seattle" tries to make me watch any kind of movie tries to send me to the store to rent a movie tries to send me to the store for anything tries to make me do anything, actually will not go to the store for me when i need some thing __________________ "Do the thing you fear the most & the death of fear is certain" Mark Twain [/COLOR]
Author JessaL Posted March 7, 2010 Author Posted March 7, 2010 I agree that an annoyance could become a dealbreaker over time. Maybe not a dealbreaker exactly, but cause one to stop caring to try to make the relationship work, or cause one to just become completely turned off by one's partner. This is why I'm having a bit of trouble with this question, I think. When I read people's lists of dealbreakers in other threads, generally they were pretty obvious things like drug user, alcoholic, cheater, liar, financially irresponsible, sexually incompatible... Things like that are maybe good indicators at the beginning dating stages, but people get dumped all the time who don't have those "dealbreakers" and who didn't necessarily do anything wrong (cheat, etc.). That just leaves me with the question of, how do you know? What if I'm just a grass is greener person, or a commitment-phobe, or someone who just doesn't really like being in a relationship...
Recommended Posts