A different, but yet, still painful situation.

[LynneR]

First off, I just wanted to say Hi to everyone, Ive been reading these forums off and on for the past 2 weeks and figured it was finally time to post my situation. I want to apologize ahead of time for the length of it, but I feel the need to give the background of the situation to put it into perspective. That being said, here we go!

 

 

A little background. My boyfriend's hometown is about 10 hours away from where we live, we have been living together for 3 years, dating for about 5.

 

About a month ago, his sister and baby niece passed away due to a car accident. When it happened, he went home immediately. While he was there he had to be the "strong" one, because his Dad was a wreck and he was the oldest sibling. He really didnt get much time to grieve.

 

He was there for about two weeks and when he came home, I think it all hit him at once because he wasnt always "go go go" trying to get funeral arrangements taken care of..etc. So he became severely depressed and withdrawn. We talked about it a few times over the following weeks, I let him know I was there for him if he needed to talk or a shoulder to cry on. Nothing really seemed to help, he just became more and more miserable.

 

Over time he let it out that he felt "drawn" to go back home and be with his family for a bit. On a side note : before his sister/niece passed away, he was already pretty homesick because he hadnt seen his family pretty much the entire time he lived here due to different things.

 

One of the reasons he was becoming more and more miserable was because he was feeling guilty due to the fact that he hadnt seen his sister or even his niece ( who was only a few months old when she passed ) at all before they passed away.

 

He said he felt like he needed to go home, to get some closure, to spend some quality time with his family.

 

One day I took my son to school and when I got home I found him with his clothes packed and outside walking around his car. When I got out of my car I asked him what was going on and replied "Give me a hug" and when I got a good look at him, he had tears running down his face. I repeated my question " what is going on?" and he said " i need to go home".

 

When we got in the house, he started crying ( I hadnt seen him cry at all in the 3 years we lived together, not like that ) He told me he needed to go home, to get some closure, to spend some time with his family, to put flowers on the graves..etc. He continued on to repeatedly ask me to "Let him do this" and to say that " he didnt want to live his life without me" but that he needed to do this, to go home for awhile.

 

I told him if he thought it would make him feel better, to go home and spend some time with his family. But I was a bit upset that he had apparantely been trying to leave before I got back home from dropping my son off at school. When I asked him about it, he said that he wasnt in the right state of mind and that he thought I would have tried to talk him out of it.

 

On the way to the airport he grabbed my hand and said " thank you" and i said for what, he said for letting me do this.

 

He knew it was a huge leap of faith for me, because a few weeks after he got back the first time we had a talk where he said he thought he would be happier at home, happier than he was here. That he felt like he needed to be around his family to help him deal with the loss, it was really upsetting, but in the end it came out that he didnt want to leave me.

 

I believe him when he says that he just needs to be around his family for a bit, to have some closure, he said that he would be back in a few weeks, after his sisters birthday. He said he wanted to be able to put flowers on her grave for her birthday.

 

He seemed to be pretty sincere with everything he said before he left, he only took some of his clothes, didnt really take anything personal, even left his car and his computer ( which i really dont think he could live without ). But I still have this overwhelming feeling that he isnt going to come back, its driving me insane and Im not sure why Im so afraid.

 

Now he has been gone for about 2 weeks now, the first week he was calling me pretty much every day, sometimes twice a day, this week however its been more or less every other day. He always answers the phone as soon as I call, if not, he calls me back immediately.

 

Whenever we talk, he always talks about things that he is going to do when he gets back and everything sounds like normal. Ive talked all this over with friends and family and they all tell me Im just being insecure or paranoid and that everything sounds alright. I just cant seem to shake this feeling.

 

Any helpful advice would be appreciated, thanks in advance!

[Rearden Metal]

That is a terrible, traumatic experience. Everything he's doing is completely normal. And yes, you're being paranoid. You need to be supportive in any way you can, and have faith. Most of all, you need to be focused on the well being of your man. If he doesn't heal and accept what's happened, or if you put pressure on him during that process, he will harbor resentment towards you that will never go away.

 

Deep breath. Send him flowers. Send him love. Let him be after that.

[TouchedByViolet]

The situation sounds very sad for your bf. You should support him and give him time. It sounds like he was close to his family and it will take a lot of time for him to deal with his feelings, accept his sister's death and get back to a normal self.

 

I think you are overreacting, and are more concerned with your fear than his loss. The loss of his sister will change him, but how is that related to him leaving you?

[LynneR]

Im sorry if it sounds like Im not being supportive of my boyfriend. Truth is, I am. I dont bring any of these fears up when we speak. He even said to his father that I was very supportive and understanding of him wanting to go back home for so long ( he will be gone a little over a month by the time he gets back ).

 

I guess Im so afraid because of 1 ) How he had tried to leave before I got home from dropping off my son, he was going to leave without saying anything to me. He did say that he wasnt in the right state of mind and I asked him what he would of done if I had gotten home just 5 minutes later and he responded with " I would probably be sitting in my car at the airport trying to figure out if I really wanted to do this". So I guess that scares me, because you wouldnt just up and leave, no matter the situation, without saying anything to the person you love without it at least crossing your mind that it would end the relationship, right?

 

I guess 2) would be the fact the week after he got home the first time, right after the funeral, we had a long talk, where he said he thought he would be happier home, than here, saying that he felt that he needed to be around his family to deal with the loss. He ended up not leaving then, obviously, saying that he didnt want to leave me or not have me in his life. But 3 weeks later, was when he said he needed to go home for awhile to get some closure.

 

I know that I have insecurities here, I know that I also dont need to push them off on him. So im trying my best not too, to just be as supportive and selfless as I can, but these worries just keep cropping up in my mind and they wont go away.

 

Also, I had spoken to a mutual friend of ours who told me that my boyfriend had made a comment to a friend of his back in NY ( his hometown ) that he was back "permanently". Now our mutual friend told me that I should take that with a grain of salt because he ( our mutual friend ) had been in a similar situation, where he had moved hundreds of miles away from his family and friends to go live with a woman he dated/lived with for 6-7 years. He said there were a couple times when he would visit his family and friends and he would make similar comments because he was really depressed and missed being home. But he said that every time he would always go back to his girlfriend when he was done visiting his family.

 

I guess that comment more than anything has me shook up. Every time we talk, however, he talks about things he wants to do when he comes back home. He never actually talks like he isnt coming back.

Edited March 4, 2010 by LynneR