FatBottomGirl Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 So..my boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. When we first started dating it was long distance and our weekends together were amazing and intimate. We separated for a little while and got back together a year and a half ago and since then the sex is sporadic. Sometimes I go a month or more, sometimes we'll do it a few times a week ( That's very rare though.) The thing that has me writing this tonight is that I made a trip to my hometown for 3 days...we didn't have sex for about 2 weeks previous to me going out there. While I was with family him and I had a pretty bad argument...one of our worst...we worked it out but when I came home...I got about 15 minutes of an arm around me when I laid down. I kissed him and tried to initiate...nothing. I even verbally told him what I wanted...nothing. I know sex isn't everything but isn't it part of making up? Am I being petty? I love this man and want to marry him...I know he's not cheating and I know he's not gay...so what's the deal? He says it isn't me. He said if it was me he wouldn't do it at all..which makes sense...so what's going on? I hate that I end up crying over this...I just don't know what to do. - Untouched
EarthSea Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 ...I know sex isn't everything but isn't it part of making up? Am I being petty? I love this man and want to marry him...I know he's not cheating and I know he's not gay...so what's the deal? He says it isn't me. He said if it was me he wouldn't do it at all..which makes sense...so what's going on? I hate that I end up crying over this...I just don't know what to do. - Untouched Hi FBG and no, I don't think you are being petty at all. Making GREAT love/sex is, IMHO, one of top items of importance in what defines a healthy relationship. It's easy to be blunt on an anonymous forum, so I'll suggest don't even think about getting married until you work this out. You deserve to be happy and pleased and share your sexual being. I'm not saying don;t marry the dude, I am saying before you make that kinda commitment - figure this out! Hopefully he can be honest with you and tell you why he is not into it. And if you have that talk, you can also see if there are things to spice it up you both could do. Best wishes and I hope you get the answer (and the great sex) you deserve with a man you love!
zebracolors Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 Going to go out on a limb here, and guess that the argument was still turning around in his mind and possibly affecting the desire. I remember that usually the last thing on my mind after any arguments with my Ex bf, was sex. So for me, "angry sex" will probably never happen. Sometimes the best stimulation to be intimate is when both of you are really happy both inside and out.
MalachiX Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 I've never had make-up sex in any of my relationships. Things always feel so tense after an argument that it just kind of ruins the mood. I've never had a girl really seem to be in the mood for make-up sex either. I don't think it's strange.
Peter Attis Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 Honey, you need to dump that zero and get you a hero!
Els Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 I agree that the argument could be the reason for that particular time. But they don't have sex for a month or more? Well, OP, you know him better than us, so I won't disrespect that by asserting that he looks like he's seeing someone else (although it really does seem likely). Did he start on any new medications since the whole sexless thing started? Taken on any new jobs, had a more hectic schedule? Converted to a new religion? Get addicted to anything (alcohol, drugs, video games, etc)? When you rarely had sex during those months together, how was he in the non-sexual intimacy department? Did you cuddle, hold each other?
kiss_andmakeup Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 I agree with the posters who said don't even consider marriage until you get this sorted out. Sex is important! Really important, in my opinion. It's essential to a relationship to have that physical sexual bond...that's what makes it a romantic relationship and not a friendship. How old are both of you? I know it sounds harsh but honestly...if he won't even discuss the problem with you or take steps towards making it better (maybe seeing a counselor/therapist?)...it may be time to move on.
phineas Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 So he goes weeks without busting a nut? I really find that hard to believe. I can't go more than a day without spining one out & i'm 38. Either he's jerking off or getting rid of the poison some other way. If he's really not getting sex elsewhere & truely unable to get it up & it isn't that he's no longer attracted to you then he needs to see someone ASAP to figure out what is going on. The fact that he doesn't think it's important enough to go see a Dr. tells me he really does know the reason why he isn't able to get it up for you.
Johnny M Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 Call me cynical, but methinks that your username contains the answer to your question. Have you been gaining weight recently or have you always been a 'fat bottom girl'?
stillafool Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 I love how people come to LS to ask advice and then when people ask for more info to help them they never respond. Anyway, I don't mean to be mean but of course it is you. This guy is having sex. What kind, with whom and how often is something that only he knows. Are you sure he isn't using you as a "beard"?
tinktronik Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 OP some men jut have ow sex drives. Talk to your partner about some counseling to see if there is an issue at the core this problem. You need to have a very frank talk about what your needs are and why this is important to you. If he will not reciprocate you need to move on to someone who will.
D-Lish Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 I dated a guy with a very low sex drive. In the beginning stages of our relationship, I'd consider myself lucky if it happened 2x per week. He told me shortly after we had sex for the first time that his low sex drive had been a problem in previous relationships. We went away for a romantic weekend over x-mas and got snowed in at this gorgeous resort- but in 4 days, we had sex once- this was 2 months into our relationship! I'd never encountered this previous to him, and I haven't run into it since. I can tell you that it's draining to date someone like this. You end up taking on their issue as your own- it affects your self esteem. I couldn't bring it up with him because he got angry and defensive- so I suffered in silence and the resentment just kept building. I tried really hard to overlook it and come to terms with it, but being unable to broach the subject with him made it difficult.
Chicago_Guy Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 I heard that some guys have very low sex drives because they don't have enough testosterone in their body. Maybe this guy needs to see a doctor?
Author FatBottomGirl Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 Call me cynical, but methinks that your username contains the answer to your question. Have you been gaining weight recently or have you always been a 'fat bottom girl'? To answer this question, I was a fat bottom girl when him and I met. He prefers me this way. I have not gained any additional weight. When we do make love it's intense and he pays attention to every possible part of my body.
Author FatBottomGirl Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 I love how people come to LS to ask advice and then when people ask for more info to help them they never respond. Anyway, I don't mean to be mean but of course it is you. This guy is having sex. What kind, with whom and how often is something that only he knows. Are you sure he isn't using you as a "beard"? I'm quite sure he's not using me as a 'beard'. I'm also 110% positive that he's not sleeping with anyone else because he works from home, directly down the street from my own job. We also live in a town of 2300 people. (So someone in this town would know if it happened believe me) I also know he's not cheating because he just doesn't have it in him to do so. He's been cheated on before in a previous relationship.
Author FatBottomGirl Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 I agree with the posters who said don't even consider marriage until you get this sorted out. Sex is important! Really important, in my opinion. It's essential to a relationship to have that physical sexual bond...that's what makes it a romantic relationship and not a friendship. How old are both of you? I know it sounds harsh but honestly...if he won't even discuss the problem with you or take steps towards making it better (maybe seeing a counselor/therapist?)...it may be time to move on. I'm 25 and he's 26. We have discussed it and he's admitted that there very well could be something that he needs to get checked for. He doesn't deny that it's a problem. (A bit of TMI...we made love this morning. heh..I'm impatient maybe) He does seem to have a battle with seasonal depression. We'd like to get this taken care of but money is a major issue...Which is another reason we haven't gotten hitched.
boogieboy Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 If he's on any medication it could affect his sex drive. Other than that, if you initiate and he turns you down, he's not into you anymore...and apparently hasnt been for your second round of dating. I suggest you begin the process of breaking it off with him, before he breaks it off with you. I think youre a time filler to him now. He will never marry you when he doesnt want to sleep with you.
spriggig Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Try backing off a bit. If you come across as needy that will kill desire in him. Go out on a ladies night. Take care of yourself first. Try to be more confident--confidence is the biggest aphrodisiac.
spiderowl Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 If it isn't you, then it's something or someone else. He's said it isn't you. He may have ED problems or some health problem that's affecting his sex drive and ability to perform. Or, it could be that he's not happy about something and not really aware what. Sometimes we react and behave before we know why we are doing it. I'm sure this will become clearer but it may not be a good sign. I can understand why you are concerned. One thing to bear in mind is that he may be under pressure from elsewhere - work, family, other associates. Such pressure would distract him and make him tense and wound up. He ended up in an argument with you, so it sounds to me like something is bugging this man. He said it's nothing to do with you so look around and see who is in his life and could be having a negative impact on him. Another thing that comes to mind in this economic climate is that he may fear for his job. Has he indicated anything like that to you?
Woggle Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 I've never had make-up sex in any of my relationships. Things always feel so tense after an argument that it just kind of ruins the mood. I've never had a girl really seem to be in the mood for make-up sex either. I don't think it's strange. I agree. I don't like make up sex either. I just don't feel like being intimate with a woman that just got finished chewing me out. It kills the romance if you ask me.
Author FatBottomGirl Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 If he's on any medication it could affect his sex drive. Other than that, if you initiate and he turns you down, he's not into you anymore...and apparently hasnt been for your second round of dating. I suggest you begin the process of breaking it off with him, before he breaks it off with you. I think youre a time filler to him now. He will never marry you when he doesnt want to sleep with you. So by your reasoning because he might not be in the mood...he's not into me at all anymore? That's real bright considering even a male sex drive can indeed waver like a females. He's not on medication...but in a previous post I did indicate that it could be an emotional problem such as depression.
aerogurl87 Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Honey, you need to dump that zero and get you a hero! Lol, I just had flashbacks to Disney's Hercules... hmm, might go watch that now
Chicago_Guy Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Lol, I just had flashbacks to Disney's Hercules... hmm, might go watch that now If that's from Disney's Hercules, then they must have ripped it off from Vanilla Ice's 1991 masterpiece, "Cool As Ice," where Vanilla Ice goes up to a girl who is arguing with her boyfriend and says, "Words of wisdom: Drop that zero and get with the hero!"
amymarieca Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Call me cynical, but methinks that your username contains the answer to your question. Have you been gaining weight recently or have you always been a 'fat bottom girl'? To answer this question, I was a fat bottom girl when him and I met. He prefers me this way. I have not gained any additional weight. When we do make love it's intense and he pays attention to every possible part of my body. I can't believe you actually gave an answer to this dim-wit. I can bet that Johnny sleeps on the couch a lot.
Els Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 I can't believe you actually gave an answer to this dim-wit. I can bet that Johnny sleeps on the couch a lot. Naw, the couch implies that he actually has a woman who occasionally kicks him out of the bedroom. I'd bet that he sleeps on a very comfortable bed all the time - his own.
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