USMCHokie Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 Lately, I've been feeling like I'm in a crappy place...and questions keep popping up in my head... Is my ex happier because I'm no longer in her life...? Does she even remember who I am...? In her mind, when the relationship died, I probably died along with it...as a attractive woman who has been living an active social life with her friends, she has had all this time to meet new people, move on, and leave me in her past, where I guess I belong...when she has plenty of other options, there doesn't need to be a place for me in her mind or her heart... On the other hand, I feel like she's all that I have left...it's not necessarily because I miss the her or my relationship with her, but because I have no other options...after all these months of "coping," I feel more and more like she's the only one who was and will be willing to give me a chance at love...I have been using the excuse that I'm "healing" to not date...but eventually I have to face the music that I'm not avoiding women because I'm not ready to date, but women are avoiding me because I'm not someone they'd want to date... Also, I have avoided rebounding since the breakup...but even if I wanted to rebound, I have found that no one is even interested in me to begin with, so it's not a matter of not wanting to rebound, it's not being able to rebound... I'm holding onto something that's gone simply because there's nothing else to hold onto...
GrayClouds Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 Is my ex happier because I'm no longer in her life...? Does she even remember who I am...? Asking depressing question leads to depressing answers... do not give into those crappy thoughts... What fun thing you going to do this weekend?
EricaH329 Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 Kelvin, you are letting this consume you. Why? This is not healing. Healing is not 'realizing' that no one else is ever going to want you the way that your ex did. You do understand what's going on here, don't you? You are one of the most level-headed people I know. You can smell BS from a mile away, and you won't hesitate to call someone on it. I'm calling BS here. You and I both know that the chances of someone never loving you again are slim to none. Why you are hanging onto that though, is beyond me. When you said, "I'm holding onto something that's gone simply because there's nothing else to hold on to..." to me, is a different story. You either believe that no one else will love you again, or you believe that you are holding on to something only for the fact that you feel there is nothing else around you to hold on to (which I strongly disagree with btw, you have your self-respect and dignity). I think you should take into considersation what i've said, and try to decide which one it is.
Author USMCHokie Posted March 4, 2010 Author Posted March 4, 2010 Asking depressing question leads to depressing answers... do not give into those crappy thoughts... What fun thing you going to do this weekend? I'm trying...but it's just been something that I can't seem to let go...as much as I can pretend to be ok, at the end of the day, it's all still the same... But I'm in Florida right now on sort of a vacation...not sure what I'm doing this weekend...
Author USMCHokie Posted March 4, 2010 Author Posted March 4, 2010 Kelvin, you are letting this consume you. Why? This is not healing. Healing is not 'realizing' that no one else is ever going to want you the way that your ex did. You do understand what's going on here, don't you? I thought I had everything figured out after spending the past 6 months trying to move on...but now I don't even know what's going on anymore...I figured healing was just leaving someone from you past where he/she belongs...in the past...unfortunately, I can't help but grab onto the past just because it's the only thing I can reach...I admit, I miss those feelings...I miss love...I really do...and I have nowhere to turn but to the past...what once was, and what will never be again... And I think that's why I'm being consumed by all these thoughts and feelings...I want to love and be loved again...and when there's no one who would accept that love, it's tough not to look back and relive that love, even if it's just in my mind... You are one of the most level-headed people I know. You can smell BS from a mile away, and you won't hesitate to call someone on it. I'm calling BS here. You and I both know that the chances of someone never loving you again are slim to none. Why you are hanging onto that though, is beyond me. Yea, on the surface, it sounds like classic OpenGL BS...that ol' woe-is-me-no-one-will-ever-love-me-because-I'm-a-beta-and-too-nice BS...and maybe you don't know the real me, but it's real for me...I can't imagine anyone ever being excited just to talk to me, excited just to hug me, or even excited that I exist...to be honest, she completely caught me by surprise...and maybe I was a rebound...maybe it wasn't ever real to her...but these are questions that I will never know the answers to... When you said, "I'm holding onto something that's gone simply because there's nothing else to hold on to..." to me, is a different story. You either believe that no one else will love you again, or you believe that you are holding on to something only for the fact that you feel there is nothing else around you to hold on to (which I strongly disagree with btw, you have your self-respect and dignity). I think you should take into considersation what i've said, and try to decide which one it is. I truly believe that I got my one taste of love in this lifetime...truly and honestly...and I'm not looking for a pity party or anything of that crap...it is what it is...some people are meant for different things in this world...and it's something I had learned to accept before her...and it's something I'm desperately trying to accept again... Of course there are other things to hold onto, but as I mentioned before, it is the feeling of love that I miss so dearly...and there's only so much self-love you can do...(heh, I made a funny...heh...) And the only place I can have any semblance of that feeling is by holding onto something that is gone...
skydiveaddict Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 There's just something in the air tonight. I hurt too
Author USMCHokie Posted March 4, 2010 Author Posted March 4, 2010 There's just something in the air tonight. I hurt too Yea...I can't in good conscience even comment on other people's threads anymore...I feel like I don't have room to talk anymore...it's an f'in disaster...
skydiveaddict Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 Yea...I can't in good conscience even comment on other people's threads anymore...I feel like I don't have room to talk anymore...it's an f'in disaster... Me as well
DustySaltus Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 Hokie, I know you feel. Right now you're stuck in a no man's land. You have a wall up to protect yourself and that's understandable. I never thought that I would be with anyone else. For a while I refused to be with anyone else. But everyday no matter how hard it was I tried to take a brick off that wall. That's what you need to do. Do it at your own pace, but once it's off...it stays off. You're a good dude and I know that in time you will realize that there truly is plan for you and you're going to be able to apply everything you learned to the person you are supposed to be with. It's not a bad thing that you are holding on to the "feeling" of love because it shows that you are capable of it. The wires between your head and heart just need to cross again and they will.
bananaboat11 Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 I'm calling you later (when I'm not in my lab/office doing work)
Woggle Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 You need to get over this mentality and build your life up without a woman in it then women will come naturally. Stop thinking about finding a woman right now and think about acheiving some other goals in life. Once you change your mentality and approach to dating then things will change for you.
cdt76 Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 How do I put this without repeating what someone else has said on here. You and I are in the same place. We both had our worlds rocked around the same time last year. We are both now in the same place mentally and emotionally. We don't want her back but we want the relationship back. We don't have anyone to replace it with yet we aren't actively looking. This is the way I see it. I know someone will find me attractive again, maybe even love again. I worry I may not be capable of it anymore but I'll try if / when the time comes. Right now, we are in space floating from place to place with no real direction, just being pulled by gravity which ever way it takes us. No, we do not have anything to replace the feelings with. But if you look inside you, there is a numbness there, a scab is forming over the pain. Your body no longer desires to hurt. Your brain is telling you to be happy. You can't right now but you know it's what you have to do. Question neither of us can answer is the "how" to be happy. I found complete happiness in a woman and life that I built from nothing. It's all gone now. Everything. Friends, work relationships, everything. I want someone to feel that intensly for so badly that if I could will it to happen I would. Each day goes by and each day, maybe I meet her today. If I don't, then I have tomorrow to hope for.
CleverName Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 I've read a lot of your posts USMCHokie and you have unknowingly helped me so much, and thanks for that. I think maybe we get 'coping fatigue'. You carry on and fight the good fight but sometimes you just get tired. Sometimes I don't want to be strong anymore and I just want someone to tell me when this is going to stop. But we buck up and go on. We survive because we adapt and keep moving. And every now and then you just crumple again, but maybe a less and less as time goes on. Not fun, pretty much sucks, yeah, I get it. Hope you feel better soon, and thanks again for every post you make. Even this one, cause I feel like that too right now. L
mmk1 Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 USMCHokie, please do not give up! People will find you are a special person and care about you again. It may be in a different way as we are all unique, but it will happen!
teanoranges Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 Its actually kind of refreshing (wrong word, maybe) to hear this. I'm six months in and while I hold strong, I can't help but feel hopeless inside. As a matter of fact, I don't want to fall in love again. I do, with all my heart, but its not worth the pain that comes with it. Because I'll always be feeling "This isn't forever.. he's going to hurt me." You are probably the most logical and understandable person on LS that I've read. So it kind of feels like I have no better advice than what you would say to someone else. I remember my ex saying to me that he was thinking about how ironic it was that his life was getting so much better once we were no longer intimate. It hurt like hell, and still hurts. But I think it is what they all feel... just put yourself in their shoes. Wouldn't you become happier if you left someone who you didn't really love? :-( I don't believe that no woman would be interested in you. I think perhaps its your lack of interest that you either don't notice, or you avoid being noticed. I read a couple of days ago that people should treat others the way they want to be treated, and sooner or later you'll get the treatment in return. Old-age saying but somehow true? I'm not one to give advice though... it feels like nothing in life has any significance anymore... well, almost nothing.
thepulse27 Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 Yea...I can't in good conscience even comment on other people's threads anymore...I feel like I don't have room to talk anymore...it's an f'in disaster... you can cut that out now - you're one of the people on here who's advice I seek out. That's pretty special mate, cos you're in good company here. But you know as well as I do there's a world of difference between giving the advice and taking the advice, especially your own. There's just something in the air tonight. I hurt too I don't know when you wrote this, (LS isn't great with time differences) but I'm having one of those nights too, been beating myself up about it all night. Is my ex happier because I'm no longer in her life...? Does she even remember who I am...? In her mind, when the relationship died, I probably died along with it...as a attractive woman who has been living an active social life with her friends, she has had all this time to meet new people, move on, and leave me in her past, where I guess I belong...when she has plenty of other options, there doesn't need to be a place for me in her mind or her heart... For me this is the hardest part to let go of. How could she possibly be happier without me in her life? The thought that she is is the most brutal piece of rejection certainly I've ever had to deal with. I haven't got any answers for this one, except that one day, like everything else, it just won't matter to us anymore. On the other hand, I feel like she's all that I have left...it's not necessarily because I miss the her or my relationship with her, but because I have no other options...after all these months of "coping," I feel more and more like she's the only one who was and will be willing to give me a chance at love...I have been using the excuse that I'm "healing" to not date...but eventually I have to face the music that I'm not avoiding women because I'm not ready to date, but women are avoiding me because I'm not someone they'd want to date... This bit however, is crap. She didn't fall in love with you cos she's a freak and the normal social rules don't apply in her mind, she fell in love with you because you're an amazing man. And others will too. You don't have less going for you than when she met you, you actually have more. No-one goes through this without getting stronger, and learning more about who they are, and learning about other people too. All this will only make you better next time round, and I truly believe that's true for all of us. Also, I have avoided rebounding since the breakup...but even if I wanted to rebound, I have found that no one is even interested in me to begin with, so it's not a matter of not wanting to rebound, it's not being able to rebound... Not rebounding is a good thing. You know this, so stop twisting it til you have something to beat yourself up with. And it sounds to me like a) you're not noticing any attention you are getting, and b) you're not getting much cos you're giving out vibes that say 'not interested'. Guys might not pick up on these things too well (hence the amount of pissed off angry rebounding girls with hordes of men following them around) but women certainly do. I don't think anything you do now could be described as a rebound, and I don't want to push anything but have you thought about it? Actively being single again won't make you forget her, but it might put you in a better frame of mind about where you are. The only thing I'd be careful of here is this - don't put yourself in a position to be rejected again until you're SURE it won't crush you if it happens.
Author USMCHokie Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 First, I want to thank everyone for the kind words and responses...and I really do appreciate that some of you do read my assinine dribble on LS and get something from it...it does mean a lot to me to be able to help you all... Hokie, I know you feel. Right now you're stuck in a no man's land. You have a wall up to protect yourself and that's understandable. I never thought that I would be with anyone else. For a while I refused to be with anyone else. But everyday no matter how hard it was I tried to take a brick off that wall. That's what you need to do. Do it at your own pace, but once it's off...it stays off. You're a good dude and I know that in time you will realize that there truly is plan for you and you're going to be able to apply everything you learned to the person you are supposed to be with. It's not a bad thing that you are holding on to the "feeling" of love because it shows that you are capable of it. The wires between your head and heart just need to cross again and they will. Dusty, thanks...and I agree that it feels like a purgatory where I'm not moving forward or backward...just staying stagnant...and I'd love to open myself up to someone and break down those walls, but I feel like no one is even willing to step onto the property...let alone touch the walls... You need to get over this mentality and build your life up without a woman in it then women will come naturally. Stop thinking about finding a woman right now and think about acheiving some other goals in life. Once you change your mentality and approach to dating then things will change for you. My life since the breakup has been a nice constant rebuild consisting of just me...and I feel good about where my own life is and where it is headed...all my goals are sitting in a line, and it's just a matter of time...but it's my nagging suspicion that I am not someone that women would come to naturally, as you say...
Author USMCHokie Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 How do I put this without repeating what someone else has said on here. You and I are in the same place. We both had our worlds rocked around the same time last year. We are both now in the same place mentally and emotionally. We don't want her back but we want the relationship back. We don't have anyone to replace it with yet we aren't actively looking. This is the way I see it. I know someone will find me attractive again, maybe even love again. I worry I may not be capable of it anymore but I'll try if / when the time comes. Right now, we are in space floating from place to place with no real direction, just being pulled by gravity which ever way it takes us. No, we do not have anything to replace the feelings with. But if you look inside you, there is a numbness there, a scab is forming over the pain. Your body no longer desires to hurt. Your brain is telling you to be happy. You can't right now but you know it's what you have to do. Question neither of us can answer is the "how" to be happy. I found complete happiness in a woman and life that I built from nothing. It's all gone now. Everything. Friends, work relationships, everything. I want someone to feel that intensly for so badly that if I could will it to happen I would. Each day goes by and each day, maybe I meet her today. If I don't, then I have tomorrow to hope for. Good post, cdt...I agree with everything you've said, and it accurately describes where I'm at...thanks... I've read a lot of your posts USMCHokie and you have unknowingly helped me so much, and thanks for that. I think maybe we get 'coping fatigue'. You carry on and fight the good fight but sometimes you just get tired. Sometimes I don't want to be strong anymore and I just want someone to tell me when this is going to stop. But we buck up and go on. We survive because we adapt and keep moving. And every now and then you just crumple again, but maybe a less and less as time goes on. Not fun, pretty much sucks, yeah, I get it. Hope you feel better soon, and thanks again for every post you make. Even this one, cause I feel like that too right now. L I appreciate your thanks. It means a lot to me. Coping fatigue is a good way to put it...as you said, sometimes it feels like we're doing it with no end in sight...no so-called "reward" at the end to show for everything we went through...so it becomes a frustrating process as time goes on and we look towards anything (even the memory of our ex) to hold onto...
Author USMCHokie Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 I remember my ex saying to me that he was thinking about how ironic it was that his life was getting so much better once we were no longer intimate. It hurt like hell, and still hurts. But I think it is what they all feel... just put yourself in their shoes. Wouldn't you become happier if you left someone who you didn't really love? I totally agree with you here...sometimes people are truly better off without us, for whatever reason(s)...luckily, I never had to hear my ex say those words to me, but I can only assume that she would... I don't believe that no woman would be interested in you. I think perhaps its your lack of interest that you either don't notice, or you avoid being noticed. I don't know...it just is what it is...
Author USMCHokie Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 I don't think anything you do now could be described as a rebound, and I don't want to push anything but have you thought about it? Actively being single again won't make you forget her, but it might put you in a better frame of mind about where you are. The only thing I'd be careful of here is this - don't put yourself in a position to be rejected again until you're SURE it won't crush you if it happens. Thanks, pulse...I needed your post...a swift boat paddle to the face, I guess, huh...reminds me of a certain style of someone I've seen on LS... I think I've been trying to be "actively single" without any semblance of success...but I've approached everyone I've met as just a friend or someone to talk to...perhaps I'm just protecting myself...I don't know anymore...
sunrae Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 :love: Sigh,,, There must be something in the air the last few nights. Monday and Tuesday I was in a funk. No reason why, just was... I hope you are feeling better and having fun in Florida!
nowomanocry Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Lately, I've been feeling like I'm in a crappy place...and questions keep popping up in my head... Is my ex happier because I'm no longer in her life...? Does she even remember who I am...? In her mind, when the relationship died, I probably died along with it...as a attractive woman who has been living an active social life with her friends, she has had all this time to meet new people, move on, and leave me in her past, where I guess I belong...when she has plenty of other options, there doesn't need to be a place for me in her mind or her heart... On the other hand, I feel like she's all that I have left...it's not necessarily because I miss the her or my relationship with her, but because I have no other options...after all these months of "coping," I feel more and more like she's the only one who was and will be willing to give me a chance at love...I have been using the excuse that I'm "healing" to not date...but eventually I have to face the music that I'm not avoiding women because I'm not ready to date, but women are avoiding me because I'm not someone they'd want to date... Also, I have avoided rebounding since the breakup...but even if I wanted to rebound, I have found that no one is even interested in me to begin with, so it's not a matter of not wanting to rebound, it's not being able to rebound... I'm holding onto something that's gone simply because there's nothing else to hold onto... Mate, not trying to be funny but I think you should consider getting professional help. I really can not think of anyting to say to you because of what you wrote up there: "On the other hand, I feel like she's all that I have left" This is a horrible feeling, thanks to god never ever any women have made me feel even to the closest. Do you have some close friends you can talk to? To go out & socialise? Or, is your family living close by? Can you go and stay with them for a while and talk to them about how you feeling? Will post if I can think of anything else. Anyway, start thinking positive.. For example, here you have this lovely site full of good hearted people ready to listen to you and share their experiences? It is a good start eh mate? TC
thepulse27 Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Thanks, pulse...I needed your post...a swift boat paddle to the face, I guess, huh...reminds me of a certain style of someone I've seen on LS... I think I've been trying to be "actively single" without any semblance of success...but I've approached everyone I've met as just a friend or someone to talk to...perhaps I'm just protecting myself...I don't know anymore... youre welcome mate, helping someone who has helped me is a privilege. And yeah, I've probably picked up a few habits in my time on here! And I know what you mean. It's natural to slip straight into the friendliness with anyone new we meet, it's what we've been doing since the relationship began. But that'll change, and I have so much respect for you for not forcing it to. I think I'm getting a little impatient tho, and am starting to make myself flirt a little bit more again. To be honest I'd really recommend it - one little shared moment, even if it leads to 'no, sorry, I have a boyfriend' is a little pick-me-up that kind of keeps you going for a while afterwards. It's just like the gym - anything for those little rushes of chemicals that make your whole brain feel good!
McGrupp Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 stop getting your validation from women. this ones easy. shes just a girl. she wasnt that special. i dont care who she was, how pretty she was, how much of your cum she slurped, shes gone. done over. plenty of more out there. might take some work, and action too get a new one, but hey...thats life...
Author USMCHokie Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 :love: Sigh,,, There must be something in the air the last few nights. Monday and Tuesday I was in a funk. No reason why, just was... I hope you are feeling better and having fun in Florida! :love: Thanks sunrae! :love: Hope you're feeling better too...
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