sjguy Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Hi, This is my first post here, and I'm here because I'm hoping to get some help. I am a fairly pathetic case, but here it goes. I'm an almost 21 year old college student. I've basically never had a girlfriend, I've dated 3 different girls but it never lasted very long. It's not because I'm a freak or something, mostly just because of my, well I suppose I should call it lack of courage or even maybe cowardice. I certainly won't blow anyone away with my looks but I don't think I look ugly , I mean I certainly see a lot less attractive people at school every day, even guys with girlfriends. I'm 6'0" tall so I'm not short, and I played a couple years of college baseball so I would describe myself as fairly athletic. I do still have a couple appearance issues though (braces for one), and I do think some of my lack of confidence stems from that. Anyway, I've never been a huge socialite, but I'm not anti-social either. I go to parties and stuff and I'm fairly outgoing most of the time, I just have never been one to be the center of attention or have huge parties at my house and stuff like that. But I don't think talking to people is usually a problem. My problem is more just simply asking girls out. I think there would be plenty of women I could date if only I asked them, but I just never do. I realize this is incredibly illogical and doesn't make sense, I don't really have any logic behind it, I just feel completely unable to ask them and I don't really know why. It's literally been 2 years since I actually asked a girl out (I dated two girls in that timespan but they basically asked me out, haha), a fact I feel so ashamed of in retrospect especially because this issue stresses me out so much. Most of the time I find an excuse not to ask a girl out like, "She's too hot for me" or "Oh, I look terrible today, I'll ask her out another time". Most of the time these seem logical when I first think them but when i look back I realize I continually put off asking a girl out and pass up so many opportunities until they are gone. Or sometimes I see a girl and try to picture a conversation in my head of how I would ask her out, but I just can't really think of a way to approach her so I never do (I'm not sure if it's generally considered inappropriate to ask out some random girl you don't know in public, but I've sure come up with a lot of excuses for why I shouldn't). I'd say I probably see a few girls every day that I find attractive and aren't surrounded by a group of friends or something, but I just can't really find a way to approach them and bring myself to do it. If I'm in a class then it's usually easy to talk to the people next to me, and I'm not quiet so I'm able to make friends that way, but if there's a girl I like I can't go beyond that. There's a girl in one of my classes right now who I talk to all the time, and I can talk to her ok, but I feel scared to ask for her number and I know I keep making excuses so I don't have to. I can also go sit down at some random dude's table at lunch and eat with him quite easily, but if it's a girl (who I was attracted to) I feel like I don't really know how to start talking to her and thinking of asking her out paralyzes me even more. And well, there's a million different things i could tell you but then I'd never finish this post, and I've rambled enough anyway. Basically, I can talk to girls if it's something done casually (like through class), but I can't bring myself to ask them out because of my (I think) fear of rejection. And if it's some girl I don't know I can't bring myself to talk to her at all. I've read lots of material on how to approach girls but I don't feel like it really helps, because when the situation actually occurs I feel paralyzed from asking them out, or if it's someone I don't know I just can't really think up a way to converse with them, plus the added pressure of asking them out. So I was hoping to get some advice and I figured this would be a good place to ask. What can I do to overcome my irrational fear? Obviously there's no magic wand, but I'm not the only one who acts this stupid am I? I've put myself through so much stress on this issue and I just want to find out a way I can overcome this, because I've heard "man up" a thousand times but I still feel the same way. Is there someone out there who can help? If so I would truly appreciate your opinion/criticism/feedback. Thanks a ton in advance.
marsle85 Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 To me, life is a lot bigger than boys, girls or even romance. Really, what is the worse that can happen? And I know you hear that a lot, but think about it... WORST case scenario, she blows you off... and by tomorrow or next week- you've forgotten about it. The more you do it, the easier it will get. It sounds like you have your stuff together. So, suck it up and ask someone out! And if they reject you, move on and ask someone else! Girls are people too... coming from a cute girl- I'll tell you right now, sh's probably more scared than you are because you have the power in the beginning of the relationship anyway. You walk away saying -I- can't believe I didn't ask -her- out. She walks away thinking- I can't believe no one wants to ask me out. It's a choice instead of instant rejection. You win. Moral of the story is you can be anyone you want to be. No one knows who you are when you walk into class, no one knows you're scared out of your mind or your history. For all anyone knows, you're a player. So stroll in there with your head held high and *act* like you are. Enough is enough, stop wasting life and time!!
Author sjguy Posted March 4, 2010 Author Posted March 4, 2010 OMG I did it!! Ok, I realize that sounds incredibly corny and lame, but I asked the girl I talked to in class for her phone number and she gave it to me. Thank you so much marsle, I love you!! You were such a big help in changing my psyche!! So now I have no idea when I should call her or where I should ask if she wants to do or even if I should ask her to go on a date right away. I'm not sure if she thought I asked her for her number just as a friend (do guys do that?), but I feel so damn happy that I finally got that monkey of that back. Hopefully at the very least this will give me some practice and more confidence for the next time. Anyone have any advice for when/how I should call this girl? Once again, any help is deeply appreciated.
sagetalk Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 So now I have no idea when I should call her or where I should ask if she wants to do or even if I should ask her to go on a date right away. I'm not sure if she thought I asked her for her number just as a friend (do guys do that?), but I feel so damn happy that I finally got that monkey of that back. Hold on there there slugger, put the brakes on a second. Ok, you got the number, great start. Without the number you are dead in the water. Now that you have her number, call her soon. Keep the conversation short (unless you hardly know her at all), and ask her if she would like to blah blah blah this weekend whatever you come up with. After that, it's all you man, welcome to the world of dating. Don't get your hopes up too high though, just go with the flow and remain calm. Don't treat her like your future wife, just treat her well. You don't own her, she is just on a date with you. Don't get clingy, sappy, or weird, just be yourself. At some point in the date I would advise taking her for a walk (not too long of a walk though) through a park, around the neighborhood block, anywhere you can talk to her one on one. If she really likes you, it will give you a chance you make a connection with her. I wish you well and much success .
sagetalk Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 1. Girls are people too... coming from a cute girl- I'll tell you right now, 2. sh's probably more scared than you are because you have the power in the beginning of the relationship anyway. 1. If that's you in the black bikini I'd say cute is an understatement. 2. It's interesting to see your point of view, that the guy has the power. I have always seen it as the girl has the power since she decides whether to reject or not. But it is a good point, she can never reject if he never asks. How sweet does it feel knowing you gave this guy the courage to get a girls number? That's what I like about this place, you never know what one small post can do for someone. Awesome.
boogieboy Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 SJ guy just so you know, many women are too chicken to tell a guy no to giving out a number. Dont get your hopes up, its possible she wont answer ever, or wont agree to a date. So for now, treat this situation as if she will blow you off at any time. If you dont, you will be terribly hurt when she friendzones you.
Author sjguy Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 Don't get your hopes up too high though, just go with the flow and remain calm. Don't treat her like your future wife, just treat her well. You don't own her, she is just on a date with you. Don't get clingy, sappy, or weird, just be yourself. At some point in the date I would advise taking her for a walk (not too long of a walk though) through a park, around the neighborhood block, anywhere you can talk to her one on one. If she really likes you, it will give you a chance you make a connection with her. Yep, that's exactly what I was planning to do. 1. If that's you in the black bikini I'd say cute is an understatement. Yeah, um, no doubt. SJ guy just so you know, many women are too chicken to tell a guy no to giving out a number. Dont get your hopes up, its possible she wont answer ever, or wont agree to a date. So for now, treat this situation as if she will blow you off at any time. If you dont, you will be terribly hurt when she friendzones you. Of course, I'm trying not to get to hopeful. Like I said I was mostly happy that I asked a girl at all, not that it was this particular girl. Don't get me wrong I like her, but the most important thing was clearing the hurdle I had made for myself (and now I have to make sure I don't relapse), it's not like I'm obsessed with staying with this person. I am going to keep looking for girls, I don't want to get locked in on one at this point because then i think it does make you get your hopes wrapped up in it too much. You're right though about her not agreeing to a date, although i'd hope she'd at least answer her phone because we sit next to each other in class so it'd be terribly awkward if she didn't. Just curious, is there something better to ask rather than for a girl's phone number if a lot of women are too afraid to say no to the request even when they're not interested? Like, is it better to just directly ask them if they want to go on a date? That seems like it would be even more nerve-wracking but perhaps it's worth it if it helps to prevent me from wasting a lot of time...
boogieboy Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Just curious, is there something better to ask rather than for a girl's phone number if a lot of women are too afraid to say no to the request even when they're not interested? Like, is it better to just directly ask them if they want to go on a date? That seems like it would be even more nerve-wracking but perhaps it's worth it if it helps to prevent me from wasting a lot of time... You have to talk to them to make sure they are intrigued about you first before asking for the number. That way you know for sure that they will answer the phone when you call. This takes practice though, it is pretty much learning about body language. If a woman asks alot of questions about you, then she is usually interested. If youre doing all the talking and she contributes nothing, then dont bother.
Author sjguy Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 You have to talk to them to make sure they are intrigued about you first before asking for the number. That way you know for sure that they will answer the phone when you call. This takes practice though, it is pretty much learning about body language. If a woman asks alot of questions about you, then she is usually interested. If youre doing all the talking and she contributes nothing, then dont bother. Well yeah I know that. I was asking like is it better to say, "Can I call you sometime?", or to ask directly if she wants to go somewhere like, "Do you want to go to the movies Friday night?".
boogieboy Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Well yeah I know that. I was asking like is it better to say, "Can I call you sometime?", or to ask directly if she wants to go somewhere like, "Do you want to go to the movies Friday night?". You can be even more slick by finding something in common, like FOOD. I always throw in thai and make it sound like Gods own fav restaurant just in case. Then they say "oh I LOVE thai food..bla bla bla" Then I say "Oh I know the best place in hackensack, you ever been there". It winds up being "give me your number and we can do...." Once you learn how to really get women intrigued abouit you, you can usually get them to say "let me give you my number." its actually a better strategy to get them excited about what youre saying than worrying about getting their number. If you can get them excited about you, they usually offer.
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