westerner Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Okay, I will do my best to make a long story short. I didn't want to come and ask for advice but I just can't take this anymore. My wife and I have been together for 12 years. I am 30 and she is 27, so that tells you how old we were when we got together. We started out as very good friends who would talk on the phone about our problems until she proclaimed her feelings for me, feelings that I at first did not share. I come from a broken family and have always wanted someone to put me #1. She did that and when I realized how much she cared about me, I decided to be with her. Over the last 12 years, we have had 2 kids together (which we no longer have, but that's another story) and we have lived together for the last 10. We have certainly had our ups and downs, but for the last couple years, she has claimed to be "unhappy". This all started when she got a new job and suddenly, her co-workers became the only thing that mattered to her. Her mother passed away about the same time, to make matters worse. One of these co-workers in particular, we'll call "Adam", is someone she talks to a little too much, and it is a male. I have found emails and text messages in the past and confronted her about it, only to be told that they're just friends. I have met this guy and he too is married. He seems to be a good guy and my wife has told me on numerous occassions that he is very committed to his wife, even if he is at times unhappy himself. He doesn't seem to be trying to lure my wife, I can honestly say that. I have dealt with these feelings for a couple years now, but another one of her co-workers recently had his wife leave him and he fell on hard times. Much to my surprise, she tells me the other day that she wants to move out, with this guy who fell on hard times to "help him out". This guy is a friend of Adam and she tells me "well I already signed the lease, but I don't want to hurt you". We talked for hours, inviting her brother over to help and we discussed a lot of things. I had a similar situation at work a couple years ago with another female, but nothing ever became physical and I realized what a mistake it was. I have told my wife she is in a similar situation but now she tells me she "is in love with Adam", although she says she knows he's not going to leave his wife. She claims to love me but not be in love with me anymore. I told her that all of that can come back, she just has to want it to. At one time, my wife would've jumped up and grabbed the moon if I asked her to. I know our young age at getting together is something that probably plays a factor, but I have done nothing wrong and I feel I am being punished for being around too long. I honestly feel like she is pushing our relationship to the back burner because she is holding out some kind of twisted hope that her and this guy Adam will be together some day, and that eats me alive. She agreed to stay with me and work things out, but she still doesn't seem to be too committed to that, posting a message "To Be or Not to Be? That's the question" as her Facebook status last night. It was the last thing I saw before I went to bed, and it just made my heart sink. I love my wife with all my heart, I always have. I am a good person who will do anything to save our marriage. I just really believe she needs to get over these feelings. My words to her were that she needs to put the effort into me that she puts into the people she works with. Hell, I even offered to go out and do things with these people from work, if they're "just friends". I really need some sound advice here. I don't want anybody jumping down my throat or making me feel any worse. Please help if you're out there.
McGrupp Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 BEST THING YOU CAN DO IS ACT LIKE A MAN dont act insecure about him. stop berating and asking your wife about him. no doubt keep a kin eye and go with your gut, but if she hasnt cheated then dont believe she will.
hopesndreams Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 (edited) Okay, I will do my best to make a long story short. I didn't want to come and ask for advice but I just can't take this anymore. My wife and I have been together for 12 years. I am 30 and she is 27, so that tells you how old we were when we got together. We started out as very good friends who would talk on the phone about our problems until she proclaimed her feelings for me, feelings that I at first did not share. I come from a broken family and have always wanted someone to put me #1. She did that and when I realized how much she cared about me, I decided to be with her. Over the last 12 years, we have had 2 kids together (which we no longer have, but that's another story) and we have lived together for the last 10. We have certainly had our ups and downs, but for the last couple years, she has claimed to be "unhappy". This all started when she got a new job and suddenly, her co-workers became the only thing that mattered to her. Her mother passed away about the same time, to make matters worse. One of these co-workers in particular, we'll call "Adam", is someone she talks to a little too much, and it is a male. I have found emails and text messages in the past and confronted her about it, only to be told that they're just friends. I have met this guy and he too is married. He seems to be a good guy and my wife has told me on numerous occassions that he is very committed to his wife, even if he is at times unhappy himself. He doesn't seem to be trying to lure my wife, I can honestly say that. I have dealt with these feelings for a couple years now, but another one of her co-workers recently had his wife leave him and he fell on hard times. Much to my surprise, she tells me the other day that she wants to move out, with this guy who fell on hard times to "help him out". This guy is a friend of Adam and she tells me "well I already signed the lease, but I don't want to hurt you". We talked for hours, inviting her brother over to help and we discussed a lot of things. I had a similar situation at work a couple years ago with another female, but nothing ever became physical and I realized what a mistake it was. I have told my wife she is in a similar situation but now she tells me she "is in love with Adam", although she says she knows he's not going to leave his wife. She claims to love me but not be in love with me anymore. I told her that all of that can come back, she just has to want it to. At one time, my wife would've jumped up and grabbed the moon if I asked her to. I know our young age at getting together is something that probably plays a factor, but I have done nothing wrong and I feel I am being punished for being around too long. I honestly feel like she is pushing our relationship to the back burner because she is holding out some kind of twisted hope that her and this guy Adam will be together some day, and that eats me alive. She agreed to stay with me and work things out, but she still doesn't seem to be too committed to that, posting a message "To Be or Not to Be? That's the question" as her Facebook status last night. It was the last thing I saw before I went to bed, and it just made my heart sink. I love my wife with all my heart, I always have. I am a good person who will do anything to save our marriage. I just really believe she needs to get over these feelings. My words to her were that she needs to put the effort into me that she puts into the people she works with. Hell, I even offered to go out and do things with these people from work, if they're "just friends". I really need some sound advice here. I don't want anybody jumping down my throat or making me feel any worse. Please help if you're out there.A Answer that question for her. Tell her it is not to be. Not with you anyway. She'll be moving into an apartment to be with another man soon. Adam's friend? Did she not tell you she was in love with Adam? Does she have 2 other men on the go? Do you have any details on why Adam's friends W left him? Did she find out about an A that he was having with your W? Edited March 3, 2010 by hopesndreams
Ronni_W Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Hugs, westerner. The first thing of course, is that your wife is going to to whatever she is going to do. There's not a lot of control you have over that. They all work together, from what I understand. I would not make a big public spectacle over there, but I would go during business hours and have a chat with these two individuals. Make it clear that you do not appreciate their interfering with your marriage; that you will, if necessary, speak with others who are impacted including wives and bosses. And then be prepared to do that, if they don't get a hold of their effin' brains. As for your wife, how young you were when you got together has absolutely nothing to do with it -- do NOT make that a "valid" excuse for her! Explain to her in as reasonable a voice as possible that it is completely ludicrous for her to think that she is (currently) free to sign a lease with ANY other person, man or woman. That she is (still) your wife and, as such, has a responsibility, promise and obligation to HER marriage, which she signed up for voluntarily, of free will and with sound mind. Tell her until she serves you divorce papers, you expect her to act like your wife. Make an appointment with a marriage counselor, tell her the day and time, and invite her to join you. Let her know that whether or not she's there, you will be -- but if she wants to tell her side of the story, then she'll want to be there, too. If you don't do something, more accurately, many things that will give these three idiots a good shake, you already know what's going to happen.
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