onedayatatyme Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 My wife adn I have been through a really rough time and we're working on reconciliation but it is tough. I believe that at this point she has lost all respect for me. Rather than try to place blame (there is plenty to go around), I have to just accept it for what it is. My issue is how to I earn her respect back. I am finally in a place where I am respecting myself again and am past the point of bargaining or begging. Occasionally I get to the point of tearing up during conversation but it lasts only seconds, there is no weeping. Anyway we are in the same house, sleeping in the same bed. There is no sex at all. In fact, right now she cringes at the slightest touch. She says she's not sexually attracted to me anymore. As much as it hurts to hear that, I know that her lack of respect and her distrust of me is at the root of this. I believe that she is detached emotionally because she doesn't trust that I am sincere or that my efforts to make meaningful changes will last. There also is a serious lack of respect. I am having a hard time expressing any of my own sincere thoughts to her because it sets her off. I am constantly trying to difuse her anger. Things over the last week or so have gotten a little better and it seems we can have conversations that don't end up with her yelling at me. So I think I have the opportunity now to open up and ask her to take a leap of faith and start doing the same. Last week she told me that she was worried that she might never feel the same way for me again and asked what if we spend the next year working on this and she doesn't feel any different than she does now (not attracted to me, not "in love" with me)? I responded that it would really suck for both of us but that I am willing to put in the effort and take the chance. I told her that I love her and that I'm here forever but that if she's not willing to take the same risk, that she could file for divorce. I think it was the first time I was able to be open and confident and not plead or beg. I just stated my position that I'm here for the long haul, dedicated eternally to this marriage but that she has her own decision to make. We ended the conversation on that note and woke up in the morning and she said "I'm still here, in this." Since then she has made an effort, but there is still a huge barrier between us. She is clear that she "loves me but is not in love" with me and there is absolutely no display of physical affection at all. What can I do to show her that I'm no threat to her and that it's safe to open up to me?
sean1970 Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Respect from others is really only a reflection of what you are showing you have for yourself... If she had a mirror on her face and you had to stare at your mug all day, how would you feel about what you were looking at? I know you said you are gaining this back but it has to be real and sustained... Join something that does not involve her. Softball, meetup.com group, something. Show her you have a life of your own and you care about it... that you enjoy living it... In time, she may become curious about this new life (new man) and ask to be included. Start a hobby/project at home that, when complete, shows measurable accomplishment. Something like Tom Hanks in "Cast Away" "I... I HAVE MADE FIRE!" As for the "Diffuse her anger... always yelling at me" line... IMHO, if she got their on her own (meaning, you did not do anything to piss her off), let her get out of it on her own. You are not showing you have respect for yourself if you eat that.
Author onedayatatyme Posted March 3, 2010 Author Posted March 3, 2010 There are little things that I do to set her off. There is no doubt that she is way over-reacting but engaging her in battle is a no-win situation. I've tried it and all it does is make her shut down all communication. She'll say she's too mad to continue and walk out of the room. That is a long standing pattern with our communication problems. I used to follow her and badger her to continue the conversation. Our marriage counselor says that's a huge no-no and that I need to stop and let her have her space. I'm not happy eating my emotions either but it's not a self-respect issue. It's that I haven't figure out what will work. I need to discuss this with the MC. I am actually starting in a softball league tomorrow night for the first time.
Author onedayatatyme Posted March 3, 2010 Author Posted March 3, 2010 Oh, BTW, self-respect is not something that I usually lack. It has taken a beating badly over the last few months with her talk of leaving and giving me a long list of things I've done wrong to screw up this relationship. It has taken me time to realize that: 1) while she's right about alot of what she accuses me of, it doesn't justify her treating me like **** and 2) If I end up losing her and this relationship, I'll be OK. For the vast majority of our relationship, I have had the emotional upper hand and if anything it has been me showing her a lack of respect. She has finally had enough and is putting her foot down. I think the pendulum has swung way too far the other way and I'm working on finding balance without putting anymore stress on her. I am trying to figure out how to show her respect while at the same time demanding it for myself. I can do this, we are just both very emotional. I can see those emotions settling down and it's becoming easier to talk. Again, usually I am supremely confident in myself and I can feel that coming back out.
sean1970 Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 That is a long standing pattern with our communication problems. I used to follow her and badger her to continue the conversation. Our marriage counselor says that's a huge no-no and that I need to stop and let her have her space. I'm not happy eating my emotions either but it's not a self-respect issue. It's that I haven't figure out what will work. I need to discuss this with the MC. It is actually somewhat arrogant to think that you can 'fix' everything; only God and Obama can do that... You have to remember too, women don't often want men to 'fix' anything.. rather that they want us to ask questions and genuinely listen. We often fu$k this by quickly trying to duct tape everything. This is tough to do, especially with the proximity you have to her, but try to relax... When she storms off, go do your own thing, let her cool and come to you. I am actually starting in a softball league tomorrow night for the first time. Awesome... Join 2 more So far, this relationship does not sound entirely healthy for you... Have you thought that it may indeed be better if you got out yourself?
sean1970 Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 I can do this, we are just both very emotional. I can see those emotions settling down and it's becoming easier to talk. Fine, but let her be the one to bring up relationship talk... The pursued often quickly hits the ejection seat when the pursuer brings it up/pressures.
Author onedayatatyme Posted March 3, 2010 Author Posted March 3, 2010 There are two kids involved and I love this woman. Yes, it is not entirely healthy. I'd say that's an understatement. But I'm commited to it. Those are my values. I do believe that this thing can be repaired and it can be better than it was. I may be wrong and time will tell. When I said I can fix everything, I didn't mean that I have the power to control the outcome of this at all. I do know that I can do alot though to fix oru communicaiton issues. I may contribute to 70% of our communication problems. The reason I would badger her before was because she used to storm off and if I would let her, she would NEVER come back. It would be days before she would be ready to resume the conversation and by that time neither of us could remember where we left off. This weekend, for the first time, she showed real effort in cooling off and coming back in a reasonable amount of time (10-20 minutes). This was a huge relief and if she keeps that up, I won't feel the need to badger her.
Author onedayatatyme Posted March 3, 2010 Author Posted March 3, 2010 Sean1970... Hmmm. I think you're right. However, I firmly believe that she might NEVER want to talk about our relationship if I don't initiate the conversations. We are sleeping in the same bed, we have two kids, how can we not talk about the relationship stuff? I absolutely do want to avoid putting pressure on her but I would like to create a plan, as the other poster recommended, for moving forward.
sean1970 Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 There are two kids involved and I love this woman. Your kids together?
Author onedayatatyme Posted March 3, 2010 Author Posted March 3, 2010 Yes, the kids are both of ours. Girls, 6 and 4.
tnttim Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 You sound a lot like me, really. I acted the same way in my M and then was surprised when she left. You have a fix it brain, me too. I used my fix it brain to fix myself, it was easy. I also stopped trying to tell her how to feel, now I show her how to feel. It's sounds controlling, but what I mean is, I don't let her dictate my emotions anymore. When she gets mad, I don't get mad back, or tell her not to be mad, I just let her be mad by herself. If she tries to piss me off so I will get mad, I don't let her. I act as cool as a cucumber. Just yesterday she got mad at me because I said I still watched porn. She tried every trick in the book to make me feel sorry, get mad or just leave. But I did what I wanted to and that was sit there and watch TV. Now today while I was at work she texted me all day long, saying she missed me and loved me. She didn't sound at all like the pissed off woman I went to sleep with. I also feel the way you do when stuff like that happens. I feel unsure about how I reacted and think about what I could have done different. The difference now is, I don't let that affect my stance of staying out of her drama. I try to be confident in every situation, and every decision. You also have the same outlook I have now. If she leaves me again, fine her loss. She already dragged me to hell and back, a second trip is half price I hear. IMO you have the right attitude, and mindset. You just have to execute. Make a plan and stick to it. If you mess up, don't blame her, that just gets you a lifetime membership here, blame yourself, change and move on.
sean1970 Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 (edited) I firmly believe that she might NEVER want to talk about our relationship if I don't initiate the conversations. Jello, positioned in the center of the most perfectly formed fist, in the strongest hand, will still find a way to slip through your fingers the more you tighten... Keep pressuring her to talk and that is what will happen my friend... Relax... Tell me you have not already said something like this... "Sweetie, I love you, I love our life, I love our family... I want it to work, Im willing to do my part; these things you know..." Im sure there are specifics but what else can you really say at this point if she is not receptive... Don't pick at a wound that is already inflamed by constant inspection ('lets talk about it' rinse and repeat); let your actions do the talking Oneday. HAVE SOME FUN WITH HER. Take her shopping.. You think it will suck but trust me... Hit a mall, DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP... try on a shirt you would never wear (think Don Ho).. make her try on hat you would not be caught dead with her wearing... Laugh about both...Take pictures.... Have a drink after... The next day, do a 500 piece puzzle with her (dont think about it, just get the puzzle and do it)... Kids too, if they are there, let them work on a section if they are able. No TV, turn on the radio (80s music if you are my age), create a few hours of 'us' time that has you 'figuring out' something other than what to do with that elephant that never leaves the room. Let her catch you genuinely smiling and having fun... It's contagious OneDay... Edited March 5, 2010 by sean1970
hopesndreams Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Don't do any activities with her until you are 100% sure there is not another man in the picture.
mem11363 Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 I think you miss the point here. And if you keep getting this wrong she will leave and it WILL be because of your emotional neediness. Every argument does not need to be resolved. That means if she walks off and it takes her days to cool at the end of the cooling cycle you might just resume talking and drop the argument. Granted some arguments need resolution - but the truth is that if both people are over reacting to stuff that is not huge - just stupid day to day stuff - this insistence on closure can be toxic. If you want her to respect you, than you need to accept that if she treats you badly and you firmly point it out - she melts down - YOU need to let her come to you and you need to just accept that may take days of not much talking. If you can't deal with that than maybe you can't make marriage to this particular woman work. Fixing this means fixing YOUR reaction to these situations. When we have conflict in my home - there is zero chance of resolution until my wife cools and WANTS resolution. This could take one hour or 4 days - it is usually within one day - but when longer I just ignore the situation and live my life. When she does want resolution, that might mean she wants to apologize, or wants me to apologize or for us to just ignore the argument and resume normal conversation/interaction. Mostly I go with that flow, but sometimes I refuse to resume real communication until she does apologize. There are two kids involved and I love this woman. Yes, it is not entirely healthy. I'd say that's an understatement. But I'm commited to it. Those are my values. I do believe that this thing can be repaired and it can be better than it was. I may be wrong and time will tell. When I said I can fix everything, I didn't mean that I have the power to control the outcome of this at all. I do know that I can do alot though to fix oru communicaiton issues. I may contribute to 70% of our communication problems. The reason I would badger her before was because she used to storm off and if I would let her, she would NEVER come back. It would be days before she would be ready to resume the conversation and by that time neither of us could remember where we left off. This weekend, for the first time, she showed real effort in cooling off and coming back in a reasonable amount of time (10-20 minutes). This was a huge relief and if she keeps that up, I won't feel the need to badger her.
Author onedayatatyme Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 Tell me you have not already said something like this... "Sweetie, I love you, I love our life, I love our family... I want it to work, Im willing to do my part; these things you know..." Im sure there are specifics but what else can you really say at this point if she is not receptive... Don't pick at a wound that is already inflamed by constant inspection ('lets talk about it' rinse and repeat); let your actions do the talking Oneday. HAVE SOME FUN WITH HER. Take her shopping.. You think it will suck but trust me... Hit a mall, DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP... try on a shirt you would never wear (think Don Ho).. make her try on hat you would not be caught dead with her wearing... Laugh about both...Take pictures.... Have a drink after... The next day, do a 500 piece puzzle with her (dont think about it, just get the puzzle and do it)... Kids too, if they are there, let them work on a section if they are able. No TV, turn on the radio (80s music if you are my age), create a few hours of 'us' time that has you 'figuring out' something other than what to do with that elephant that never leaves the room. Let her catch you genuinely smiling and having fun... It's contagious OneDay... Great advice. And unfortunatly, yes, I have said those things almost verbatim. But I'm done with it. She knows how I feel.
Author onedayatatyme Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 Don't do any activities with her until you are 100% sure there is not another man in the picture. Exactly how is one ever 100% sure of this?
hopesndreams Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Exactly how is one ever 100% sure of this? When you get them to break down and admit it. That's the best way. Even without proof it can be done. With proof, they will still lie their butts off. Amazing the deceit, it truly is. How can you tell a cheater is lying? Their lips move. Install a keylogger on the computer. Have access to her cell phone account. Go through all her belongings. If your gut is telling you there is still someone else, then there is. Listen to it. If there really isn't anyone else? She is detaching and waiting for another opportunity to present itself. All the signs are there that she isn't bothered by what she is putting you through. Her sights are set on the greener grass.
BserBuff Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 When you get them to break down and admit it. That's the best way. Even without proof it can be done. With proof, they will still lie their butts off. Amazing the deceit, it truly is. How can you tell a cheater is lying? Their lips move. Install a keylogger on the computer. Have access to her cell phone account. Go through all her belongings. If your gut is telling you there is still someone else, then there is. Listen to it. If there really isn't anyone else? She is detaching and waiting for another opportunity to present itself. All the signs are there that she isn't bothered by what she is putting you through. Her sights are set on the greener grass. Very well put. I would follow this advice, u can always find out and dont think ur going to far. its a mistake i made for way too long. Oneday, have u cheated on her?
Author onedayatatyme Posted March 6, 2010 Author Posted March 6, 2010 My gut tells me no she's not anymore... Not sure if I trust my instincts or not since half of what I thought I knew in the last two months turned outtobe wrong. I have never cheated on her. There were two incidents that happened before we were married that she has never forgotten or forgiven. I danced with a girl too close one night and ignored her and (apparently) I kissed someone during my bachelor party. This one I can neither confirm nor deny. I honestly don't remember. That's as bad as it gets. Since the wedding day, I've been 100% faithful in every way. That is unless you are the old testament type who would count looking at other women equal to adultery. Pretty women docatch my eye and she notices that every once in a while but it ends there. I'm not even a flirt.
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