DolceVenganza Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 This is a split question to men and women. How do you deal with past actions or events that may have hurt you to the point of being "confused" about your current relationship? This could range from things like infidelity and cheating to fights that occurred during major events like holiday parties or weddings to him/her forgetting an important date in your lives. Was that a deal breaker? Did you offer second chances? If too many accumulate, do you end it? Is it a matter of perspective? ------------------------------------- In my mind, character and identity of someone you are with is built over time. I find far too often that people expect the "next level" of a relationship despite having known for too far short a time period. In this day and age of psychosis, phobias, and mental ailments, it is foolish, IMO, to committ too fast. And by too fast I would submit that even 2 years is too quick. If I am in my mid-20's and a girl wants to be married very soon, our 2 year relationship is only 10% of my life and a smaller fraction of my overall dating life. I am not apt to committ when pressured at the point and likely to feel less special if she is rushing me into some 'program or plan.' As it relates to past and identity, I believe it is easy, over time, to get over and EX if you have no regrets and enough BAD actions or words on her part have occurred to the point you formulate a new image of her. For instance, in college my gf and I broke up only a few days before college began, despite her living quite close to my on-campus place and having many friends in common. As a result, it was quite difficult for me to handle being around her at the time. She was non-communicative, distant, cold, and often 'appeared to have more fun with other people she had known much shorter time than I.' I solidified these actions in my mind and the girl who I thought I knew no longer existed. Instead, I saw a stranger who bore no resemblance to the girl I once knew. Her actions were the result of feelings she had for me and even though I did little to push her away or cause her to split with me, those feelings were gone and changed. Whatever reaction or emotions I conjured up in her through my normal actions had died and she was unaffected by me. I was done. ------------------------------------ Thanks, DV.
hats Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 I think the important part is how you interpret your past, whether you interpretted it in a way that creates a healthy or unhealthy world view. Some people get hurt in relationships and they assume they were hurt because all men/women are cruel. Others will think, they were just unlucky to have run into a bad person among good people. Still others are able to see their own fault and try to work on themselves. Some people see bad relationships as a tragedy that happened to them. Others see it as a learning experience.
aroll32 Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Ah, see I got "dumped" I guess by a girl I was seeing a little over a month ago. I'm not sure what I did, and I don't even know if I did do anything wrong. She kind of just left me out to dry, didn't give me any explanation, and no closure whatsoever. Also, I have regrets about this one. I didn't sleep with her (although I had the chance to, and am not getting into the details why I didn't) and that's the MAIN thing I completely regret. I don't regret going for her at all. She was exactly what I wanted, but it just didn't turn out the way I expected. It's still in my mind what happened, and it still hurts. But I just think of it like this, I can't change what happened even though I want to. I didn't really have that much of an impact on what happened, it was all her. So what can I do now? Try and chase her down to take me back? There's no way that will happen. So the only way I deal with it is by living in the moment, trying not to let her affect my decisions today. Because she is still in my mind almost every other day. But I don't want her to be, and the more I try NOT to think about it, the more I do. So the only way I can live with the past, is to live in the moment. Although I do regret a couple of things, I can't take it back, so what's the point? I am gonna be seeing her, although I haven't yet. And I'm glad because it's letting me get over what happened faster. But when I do see her, I'm not sure how she's going to act towards me or if I am around her. If she doesn't act differently, then it's going to be tough, because that's what I liked about her.
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