Rearden Metal Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Back story- Coping Log - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t223080/ Broke NC- http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t223275/ So I went to my first Independant Counselling session this AM. It was pretty great, I have to admit. My therapist made points about my avoidance of being single (combined 3 years from 15-32yrs old), my self sabotaging (knowing the best course and derailing/fear of success) and my need for excitement/drama that has manifested in my risk seeking behaviors (when married I loved to gamble, cheated on her and generally acted inappropriately all the while knowing I was doing wrong)... The latest excitement/drama has been manifested in the toxic relationship that I covet with my Ex. That I fell in love with the potential we had, while ignoring the reality that we were completely disfunctional. And that the sex, god bless her, was otherworldly. I feel like I understand everything perfectly, but that my mind is FIGHTING with me. I want to love her, her to love me, I want to make things better, I want THAT sex, I want her lips... None of it is real. None of it was as good as I'm pretending. She's not good for me. She doesn't love me. She doesn't fulfill me. But who does? I don't. Who can? Can I?
sean1970 Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 She's not good for me. Nor you for her apparently...
Author Rearden Metal Posted March 3, 2010 Author Posted March 3, 2010 Nor you for her apparently... You could be right, but I'm unsure why you say so. Because I cheated on my ex-wife? That was 8 years ago, and I'll never cheat again. Because I have issues that I need to work on? Who doesn't?
GrayClouds Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Back story- Coping Log - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t223080/ Broke NC- http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t223275/ So I went to my first Independant Counselling session this AM. It was pretty great, I have to admit. My therapist made points about my avoidance of being single (combined 3 years from 15-32yrs old), my self sabotaging (knowing the best course and derailing/fear of success) and my need for excitement/drama that has manifested in my risk seeking behaviors (when married I loved to gamble, cheated on her and generally acted inappropriately all the while knowing I was doing wrong)... I feel like I understand everything perfectly, but that my mind is FIGHTING with me. I want to love her, her to love me, I want to make things better, I want THAT sex, I want her lips... First of all congrats, hard work but worth the effort. Second your mind is fighting because it is seeking the comfort of the familiar. Like an addict jones for a score, your jonesing for the comfort of the chaos. She is a physical representation of that place; avoidance of being single, the self sabotaging and the need for excitement/drama. Your really telling yourself that it is hard to make changes, but you can and this discomfort you feel, while you do may look like her, is all in your head. As the sooner you see it as that, and not her, the easier it will be to let both go and continue on to that better you.
Author Rearden Metal Posted March 3, 2010 Author Posted March 3, 2010 GC- very helpful, thank you. Makes a lot of sense to me.
GrayTree Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Im glad to hear that you are doing a little bit better. Ive tried therapy but the two counselors I have had so far I disliked. One was just mean, (Wtf?) and the other didnt talk at ALL but stared at me awkwardly. So haha, glad you are having a good experience. Sounds like you are learning a lot about yourself.
sean1970 Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 My therapist made points about my avoidance of being single (combined 3 years from 15-32yrs old), my self sabotaging (knowing the best course and derailing/fear of success) and my need for excitement/drama that has manifested in my risk seeking behaviors (when married I loved to gamble, cheated on her and generally acted inappropriately all the while knowing I was doing wrong)... So the cheating was not with the current ex?
Author Rearden Metal Posted March 4, 2010 Author Posted March 4, 2010 So the cheating was not with the current ex? No. Not even close. I only had eyes for her and sadly, still do.
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