bigworm23 Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Is this okay? I have become friends with a really cool girl. I can see without a shadow of a doubt, I love my girlfriend and this relationship is 100% platonic. I honestly, dont see anything wrong with it, and wouldnt have a problem with her having a guy friend as long as their was no flirting or longing to be with that person. As a general rule...is it inappropriate to have a platonic female friend while having a girlfriend? just an fyi..weve been together 4 years...
Bejita463 Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 My answer to that question depends directly upon why you are asking it. If you are asking it out of the blue, then something is nagging at your mind that is not as platonic as you'd like to think. Denying it won't make it go away. If you are asking because your lady friend is putting pressure on you, then I don't think there is a problem with the friendship. A relationship shouldn't be about controlling who your SO can or can not be friends with.
Author bigworm23 Posted March 3, 2010 Author Posted March 3, 2010 My answer to that question depends directly upon why you are asking it. If you are asking it out of the blue, then something is nagging at your mind that is not as platonic as you'd like to think. Denying it won't make it go away. If you are asking because your lady friend is putting pressure on you, then I don't think there is a problem with the friendship. A relationship shouldn't be about controlling who your SO can or can not be friends with. Appreciate the feedback. Reason I am asking is because my gf made it seem like this is not okay. This other girl is a friend of a friend. Met her the first time about 4 weeks ago. My gf met her the exact same time I did. Everything was very open. The female friend does hit me up via text just seeing whats going on; if myself (and/or my friends) are trying to go out, hang every now and then, etc. She has plenty of other friends of her own, and doesnt seem to have any ulterior motives with me...just seems like we both think the other person is a cool person to hang with sometimes. I dont see anythign wrong with this..but I know the GF does. I do think my GF is very insecure and may lack self esteem..although im not sure why shes very pretty. I think it may have to do with my history...I've never cheated, although, before I dated her, I did bounce around from girl to girl quite a bit and had sex with more than a handful. I've definitely changed my ways since we started dating and can commit to one person now...whcih ive explained to her countless times. It's a bit annoying that she is trying to tell me what and whom I can and can not see... another fyi...we are both typical mid 20's people...the gf and I. you'd think at this point in life you coudl move beyond the trivial bs..
Rylle Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 If this girl met your gf at the same time that she met you, why is she texting YOU to see what's up, chat, hang out or whatever, but not your gf? If my bf texts a platonic girl friend to see what's up or if she wants to hang out, he sends the same text to her bf (if she has one). By doing this he is showing that he respects their relationship. If one of my bf's female friends invites him to do something, the invitation is also extended to me. Even if she was a friend before he met me - this way she shows both of us (but especially me) that she respects his and my relationship. And so on. We never had to have a discussion about this, and I didn't have to "make him" do this, or "make" his friends do this. It's just what people do who are mature, above-board, etc. And that is why he and I don't have problems with friends of the opposite sex.
scatterd Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 I agree why is she showing so much interest in you and not your girl friend.If your girl friend is bothered about it you should respect how she feels.Why is iit so important for this girl to be your friend your girl friend should be your friend.Woman have away of knowing others intentions as you do with men.I would respect your girl friend shes the one important.
ADF Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Of course there is nothing wrong with having female friends. Any woman who would forbid her man from having female friends is a domineering control freak and ought to be dumped outright. That said, however, let's face it: men--especially younger men--almost never go out of their way to befriend women unless they are attracted to them. Almost never. Your GF probably knows this. Make her feel secure by respecting appropriate boundries--e.g. no excessive physical contact between you and your buddy, no spending too much time alone with her, etc. You get the idea.
Bejita463 Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 I agree why is she showing so much interest in you and not your girl friend.If your girl friend is bothered about it you should respect how she feels.Why is iit so important for this girl to be your friend your girl friend should be your friend.Woman have away of knowing others intentions as you do with men.I would respect your girl friend shes the one important. While I agree with the intentions and ideology behind what you are saying here, the consequences of that attitude are what I don't agree with. Following that logic, she could manipulate him into doing anything she wants him to do; cease contact with anyone she doesn't like. She should be his best friend, but not his entire social life. The gender of those in social circle should not be relevant if she trusts him. The other woman's intentions are entirely irrelevant. Whatever she tries cannot succeed unless he allows it to, so even suggesting that the friendship be severed is not displaying a lack of trust in that woman so much as it is in him. If it isn't about lack of trust, it is about control. Either option is equally bad. There are ways to handle these situations that are better than others of course, but caving into insecurity, mistrust or manipulation only invites more. It doesn't make things better, because if she could get away with it once, she can get away with it twice. I would imagine guys pull this same nonsense (though I'd not know, as I don't date guys), and it would be equally bogus from them.
Author bigworm23 Posted March 3, 2010 Author Posted March 3, 2010 To answer the question, "why is she texting/talking to me when we both met her at the same time?" Well, like a lot of girls out there, my gf can be kind of cold to other girls shes not friends with...especially girls she may feel threatened by. On the otherhand, I can get along with almost anyone and am very friendly and outgoing...she is not. She pretty much ignored this chick the entire time, while I was just making friendly conversation. I think it was clear that the two of them were not going to be friends from the getgo. Also, the mutual friend to the female friend and myself, is a guy whom I am friends with and my GF is not (she doesnt dislike him, just isn't friends with him). Thats why the female friend is contacting me and not my GF.
Rylle Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 (edited) To answer the question, "why is she texting/talking to me when we both met her at the same time?" Well, like a lot of girls out there, my gf can be kind of cold to other girls shes not friends with...especially girls she may feel threatened by. On the otherhand, I can get along with almost anyone and am very friendly and outgoing...she is not. She pretty much ignored this chick the entire time, while I was just making friendly conversation. I think it was clear that the two of them were not going to be friends from the getgo. Also, the mutual friend to the female friend and myself, is a guy whom I am friends with and my GF is not (she doesnt dislike him, just isn't friends with him). Thats why the female friend is contacting me and not my GF. You should be on your girlfriend's side, not this other girl's. When she texts you and wants to hang out does she include your gf in those plans? I don't think there's anything wrong with having platonic friends of the opposite sex, but you need to make sure your gf is comfortable with it (and she also needs to not cross your boundaries); you and the other girl BOTH need to respect your gf and your relationship with her; the whole thing needs to be on the up and up and transparent. Edited March 3, 2010 by Rylle
blue.iris Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 I would find it strange that this girl texts you about hanging out if she does not include your gf in the plans. Having female platonic friends is not wrong. However, if the platonic friend tries to interfere with your relationship then I would say stop hanging out/being in contact with said friend.
Fouts Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 When guys and girls are friends, not work buddies, but wanting to hangout etc., there's always one half who wants the other romantically.
make me believe Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 This situation seems inappropriate to me. It's different when a guy has a female friend that he knew before his girlfriend came into the picture, but going out & making a *new* female friend when you have a gf seems odd to me. Especially since she met you both at the same time and hasn't made an effort to befriend your gf. That is only going to turn your girlfriend off and make her even more suspicious of this other girl's intentions. The new 'friend' needs to make it clear to your girlfriend that she has no romantic interest in you. If she TRULY doesn't, then she'd try to befriend you both *as a couple*. My guess, though, is that she is interested in you.
FryFish Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 Would you be cool with her having a guy friend that she met a few weeks ago that only texted her to see if she wanted to go hang out and didnt include you? I mean it seems pretty obvious that this third party is no friend to the relationship when you reverse the roles.
Double Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 Sure it's OK. But only if the conditions mentioned by the above posters have been met.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 platonic female friend that you converse with on occasion and are friendly to.....yes. "platonic" female friend who you go hang out with alone, go to dinner with, movies......whatever and whenever where your gf isn't welcome to tag along?.....no.
carhill Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 Simple boundary: zero texting Tell me about the interests you share with this platonic friend. Ride motorcycles with the club? Play softball? Volunteer at a soup kitchen? Details please
threebyfate Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 Simple boundary: zero texting Tell me about the interests you share with this platonic friend. Ride motorcycles with the club? Play softball? Volunteer at a soup kitchen? Details please Ha...key, key, key questions, bigworm!
SuburbanOblivion Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 If your girlfriend is not included in these conversations and outings, it is completely inappropriate.
urhangovergirl Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 chances are your gf is probably jealous, not b/c she doesn't trust you, but she might not trust the other woman. That happened to me in my current relationship. He could have gone out iwth a handful of other women friends I knew or didn't, but it was that one I didn't trust... If you really like this other chick, then you need to include your gf more so that she can really see for herself, regularly, that you guys got nothing going on. it will help her work out her jealousy. Or, prove her right, in which case you got to stop talking to the other chick. let her check in every now and then. if she really is just a friend, then you totally want to show off your awesome gf, right? That's how you gotta make her feel.
troggleputty Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 bigworm23, I agree with your gf, what you are doing with this new chick is definitely not O.K. If you want to dump your gf and start shagging this new one, at least be righteously honest about it. Don't turn this whole scenario into a "oooh mean gf is controlling me," get into a fight with her, storm out, go running off to platonic to cry on her shoulder, then next thing you know...ba da bing ba da boom. By the way I'm a guy, so I know with 100% certainty that you would love nothing better than to shag this new woman as long as you were sure you could never get caught. Don't even PRETEND otherwise bigworm. I mean seriously...hetero guys of your age NEVER seek out girls for "platonic" reasons. Yes, you need a cover story; but even your gf isn't buying it.
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