thefaithfulone Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Hi everyone. I am new here and I have been reading in this forum for a while today. I am still trying to figure out all of the abbreviations that are used. I get the OW and OM. MM and BS I get too. Some of the others I am not sure of. Sorry in advance if my post is lengthy. I will just try to give some background and fill in with more posts later. I won't use abbreviations because I am unsure of most of them so this will also not help with length. I am a 35 year old female. I have been with my husband (he is 34 years) for nineteen years and we have been married for a little over ten years. High School sweethearts, engaged, married the whole bit. Unfortunately, we do have two children, ages nine and six. In July 2008, I found out my husband was having an affair. I found out through a piece of mail that was sent to our home. It was a copy of my husband's credit report and had the girls name on it. The girl was someone he had met at work. She is ten years younger than me and was still living with her parents at the time. After further reading the credit report, I discovered that they had an apartment together. He gradually moved from just going to the apartment after work for a while ( around 2 or 3 am) to coming home just before the boys wake up to not coming home at all except very early Sunday morning. Sunday is his day off of work. He would then stay until Monday morning then repeat this process each week. Not sure when, but they have moved out of the apartment and into a house, so our boys can have a place to sleep when they are with him. He has said he wants a divorce, but has not done anything about it. I do not want a divorce. He refuses to go to marriage counseling. I also decided to not go. Only because I figured if the marriage consists of two people, the counselling would only be beneficial if both parties are present. He has waited until this past December to tell the boys what is going on. When he did talk to our children, I was not present. He decided to have the discussion when I was not home. (Christmas shopping for the boys) Now he comes on Saturday nights after work to pick up our boys and bring them to his house. My only problem is that SHE is there. I have told my husband how I felt about the kids being with her and he refuses to listen. He just tells me "She lives here. What am I supposed to do?" I do not want my children there with her. My husband can spend as much time with our sons as he wants, just not with HER. I also found out from my six year old, that he was left alone with HER on two seperate occasions. One of which, SHE was driving alone with my son in my husband's car!! I am livid and confused. I do not know what else I can do other than tell my husband how I feel about HER being with my kids let alone being alone with them. I do not know whether to refuse to let him pick them up on Saturday nights? If there is something else that can be done? If someone else has been in this absurd situation, what did you do? Any advice would be greatly be appreciated. Right now we are still married and not legally divorced nor separated. Thanks so much.
Spark1111 Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Get into IC (Individual Counseling) Not doing anything is also a decision; one that allows him to have his cake and eat it too! He gets the best of both worlds; a caring mother for his children and his OW. If he has been out of the house for as long as you say, divorce should be fairly easy. He must now pay for his two lives and two women. As long as he has it all, and right now it appears he does, why do you believe he will come back to you? What consequences has he faced for his actions? None! What are you waiting for? You have to move on with your life! Don't you deserve a man who passionately loves you? Of course you do!
Tea Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 You need to get a lawyer. Everything you do right now can be used against you. Namely, if you withhold your children from seeing their father for no other reason than spite, he could say you are alienating them from their father and refusing visitation. Courts grant custodial rights based on numerous factors, including these. They are very apt to grant custody to the parent that does NOT refuse the children the other parent. Depending on your state, you may not be able to tell your husband how to parent your children. This includes, as hurtful as it is, your children being around the other woman (OW). You do have options, however. Such as, weekend events the children are used to doing with you, weeknight visitation, and reasonable parenting time. You don't have to give up every weekend with your children simply because he decided to abandon the family. What you DO need to do, however, is come out of this smelling like roses. You have to always appear to be doing the best for your children. Don't do anything that will incriminate you because it's easy to look like the vengeful wife using the children to get back at husband (even if this is not your intent). For example, instead of saying "I don't want my children around HER," you need to back this up with "I am very concerned for our children around so-and-so. Could you please provide me with a driving record as I do not want anything happening to them while in your care." Keep documentation so that words are not put in your mouth. Of course, this is all while you find an attorney, but GET AN ATTY NOW. This way, when it is time to go to court, you could honestly say that despite what your H did to you, the children are your first priority and have the court dictate what's best for them (be it integrating them into this new life without overnight visitation, etc.). Good luck and I'm really sorry this is happening to you. I know it's painful.
PhoenixRise Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 I know it is hard to see someone you love move on to someone else especially if they betrayed you in the process. This man does not respect you. He doesn't care what you think about this woman being around the children. I think you need to take a deep breath and divorce him. Set up a visitation schedule that will be good for your children and that you can live with. Get court ordered child support and alimony if applicable. Don't bang your head up against a brick wall explaining over and over to your H how you feel about this. See a lawyer and find out what your legal rights and obligations are. In fact, If I were you, I would have seen a lawyer yesterday. Your H and this OW have been planning this for a long time. He has been moving out of the marriage for almost 2 years now. Whatever reason he has not served YOU with divorce papers yet is NOT to your benefit. You need to protect yourself. See and RETAIN the best divorce lawyer available ASAP, even if you decide not to file yet. As for the OW and her relationship with your children. The truth is, if your H decides to marry her she will be in your children's lives. If that happens, Unless this woman is unstable or poses a threat to your children, for their sake you shouldn't make this difficult for them. It sucks. I know. and it is not fair that you are the one who has to put aside your pain and be the grown up for your children.
scatterd Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 I was on this other site a ow was talking about this MM she is seeing any way she told him what she needed to be secure so she went to the attorney with mm the female attorney told him to get an apartment.so he did bought new furniture and everything the wife had no clue.But he ends up having a break down and went home and is talking about selling everything and I guess he wants wife.The people did not like it too much.Sorry I have no intention of hurting you but I would get an attorney and find out your rights.This woman has some belonging there too.She was presuring him to do this the OW just see an attorney.Im not saying this is you just I was shocked.I know your pain I wish I could help I am having problems myself.Good luck hun I hope you are ok.
Ariadne Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Hi, I know you don't want this person to have contact with your children, and you are probably afraid that she is going to take them away from you like your husband. You are the mother and will always be, and the children are probably going to be better taken care of by two adults. Plus, she might be nice and caring to them. You can't change reality and the children need to spend time with the father. You need to be more open-minded and sorry about this situation.
on1wheel Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 You need to get a lawyer ASAP; find out ur rights. He has stopped caring what you think...sorry to be blunt. Find out what you legally can & can't do. So sorry for what ur going through.
BlueeyedJonesy Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 no no no no no...she is 25 years old and a homewrecker and your supposed to be okay with her being around your children??? I'm sorry but you need to get an attorney and have visitation. I've seen this situation waaaay too many times, and I'm sorry to say but alot of OW that I've known personally have psychological problems and obsessions over the W. Don't let her around your kids. You didn't have control of your H being a doofus and making the decisions hes made but you do have control over the environment your children are in...and just because your H chose to do this doesn't mean you have to sit back and deal with the consequences. YES he does need to see his children but they don't need to be hanging out with her and getting the idea that when things get tough just throw in the towel and trade your M in for a new one.
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