wendigo Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 My ex and I split 3 weeks ago. I gave him some ulitmatums over putting down some boundaries with an ex fwb who contacted him on Valentines day wanting to know he was there for her..... I could not live with that contact any more as it hurt me a great deal. (It wasn't the first time she was in contact with him). There were other problems in the relationship - he is a man with his own business and not much time or headspace for me.... plus he was quite insensitive at times.... there were some good times and I miss them, especially as it felt like we had actually just turned a corner in the relationship, managed to manage our time and lives together a bit better.... and I feel that our sex life was acually getting better all the time as we had really started to get to know each other and if felt so close and more initmate than ever, I was becoming more happy with it all the time feeling more secure and close to him... well, thats how it was for me anyway.... all seemed great until his ex text on Valentines day and it was like a skeleton in a closet reminding me there was still things that needed sorting even if we had just turned a corner....(not just his ex, a few toerh things too but her contact with him I feel really spoiled the sense of commitment to me in the relationship which has infiltrated into lots of complex little and big attitudes, behaviours and upsets - low self worth, insecurity, control (esp from him), the fact he didn't seem to care at all how much it deeply deeply upset me - this thing poisined a lot).... The relationship ended when I confronted him about his ex. He could not understand my discomfort with it - called me ridiculous. With this ultimatum he said 'I can't do this anymore... I'm sorry'. and walked out of the bar...... as we drove home and a few upset words came from me... as you can imagine.... Next morning I left the house before I had to face him. On the way to my parents he calls asking where I am because he has made me a coffee..... WHAT? I say to him..... He is calling me to tell me he has made me a coffee when he finished things the night before and we slept apart and barely spoke and what we did was angry and hurt?!!!! WHAT????? I said a lot of things why I couldn't stay adn how upset I was that he never put me first and was not capable of being sensitive to anyone and that one day he will have to comprimise and put effort into a relationship inorder for it to work... he won't always be able to haev his own way. A conversation a couple of days later unintentionally we talked over the issues again whilst (I only phoned for a practical reason) - he started asking me how my new place was.... why did he care? I'll tell you - because he wanted to rub it in that it was not going to be as nice as the place I had with him. I went mad at him again... why is he asking? It's no concern of his what I do, I'm not interested in what he is doing or how he feels and never will be. In this conversation after me again justifying why I am leaving he back tracked and said maybe he should have set boundaries with his ex, he said that he didn't finish the relationship (? pardon me? I'm sorry but you said you couldn't do this anymore and walked out)... and said that as far as he was concerned we didn't have a relationship right now. I said if he is not prepared to set boundaries with his ex there is no relationship... end of conversation.... he also said that the relationship was going on right now not just because of his ex.... I reminded him why we split last time and it was because he hadn't spoken to me for days because we fell out and I just could not take the pain of his coldness and ignoring me any more.... Since then we have spoken once about a practical issue. Now that we have been apart for about 3 weeks I feel that I don't have full closure on the relationship because he backtracked, but also because it was all done in anger... not in a rational manner. I am thinking of sending him a text to ask for closure.... this is what I would like to say.... "I feel that we should have some kind of non angry communication - just a kind of agreement that its over and maybe that may lift some bad vibes and we can move forward a bit easier.Its not easy is it? It's painful. Maybe if we inject a bit of a truce? I don't really want to open up communication just a shaking of hands and a turn away. As a final thing I would like to clarify - to me, you couldn't or weren't prepared to do what it takes to make me happy, I couldn't carry on, I tried to fix what I could and did what I thought would make you happy, I felt I had just turned a corner and started getting some balance in our lives, I did make mistakes, I do have regrets but if things wouldn't or couldn't be worked on or comprimised or sacrificed (putting my feelings first) - I had to go. Truce?" Do you think I should not send it? It will make me fall apart if I get it... but I would like some proper closure.... him back tracking has left it open.... I keep coming back to his back tracking with hope... even though I am moving forward and away from him in other ways too... Any thoughts? Should I just stay NC? I feel like I may get weak at some point and go and get closure anyway..... Is it weak to get closure??? Thanks
carhill Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 IMO, in the larger scheme of things, it really doesn't matter. I once thought it did, and was big on proper endings, but have come to realize that it's my responsibility for having a healthy perspective on what was, and not by any particular process of 'ending'. I've had to deal with this while divorcing. I'd continue NC and accept that things just didn't work. This assumes you have no children together. Welcome to LS
RobM Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Don't send it, it sounds to me like all you want to do is mostly blame him and have him agree it's mostly his fault so you can move on. If I was him and got that I would either ignore it or just respond "whatever".
Author wendigo Posted March 3, 2010 Author Posted March 3, 2010 I'm not doing it to blame him - it is just reiterating to him that it was his choice not to do anything about the problems.... which is true thanks for the welcome
TaraMaiden Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Wendigo, really, I wouldn't. Looking at his general attitude and insensitivity towards your feelings regarding his ex - you really think he could care less what you think, or where you feel the responsibility lies? Like heck.... If he wasn't worth staying with, he's not worth mulling over. It sounds like you made a very wise decision. Stay wise. Stay away, and let it go.
Author wendigo Posted March 3, 2010 Author Posted March 3, 2010 Thanks for your responses..... I'll absorb them and add them to the for and against going on in my mind! This isn't just about hope and closure, it's about being able to communicate in a friendlier manner too. All my belongings (and my cat) are still in the house and will be for a few weeks until I get sorted. We also have a non-serious, non relationship involved legal issue / court date coming up that we both need to discuss before we both have to attend court- no specific court date has come through yet, but we will have to communicate and discuss this matter. I would rather the communication was in a kind and accepting it's over manner rather than this bitter/angry things still hanging in the air manner. I'm not saying I want to be friends with him. I do still hurt about this, but I couldn't care less what he does, thinks or feels - unless he is prepared to do what it takes of course - until then he can drop dead.
carhill Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Simple. Stick to business. I dealt with this with our divorce and property settlement. No diverging from the business path. If the other attempts to, walk away or end the conversation.
Author wendigo Posted March 3, 2010 Author Posted March 3, 2010 you really think he could care less what you think, or where you feel the responsibility lies? Actually yes I do think he will care - or at least be considering fault/blame his/mine and wondering how I'm feeling about things. I think he will be mulling over the relationship like I am thinking about what we could have done better, what we regrest, what went wrong etc. It's what most people do at the end of the relationship isn't it? Besides it's evident in his backtracking....By making this statement I am responding to his statement that is open ended and not final- I'm saying - it's the end for me and this is why, you don't want to anything about it, fine, so we are over BUT lets accept that out loud and any further conversations are with the knowledge we don't need to hang on anymore and can just move forward..... maybe I should just say that instead!
GrayClouds Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 . Is it weak to get closure??? Thanks No it is not weak to get closure, but you only get closure from yourself. No one else can give it to you. Closure is when you decide that no more of your energies in going into the relationship. Talking to him for it will: If he is kind and nice... make you continue to think what if, maybe so, ect. If he is an ASS... you will think why is he treating me like that, I deserve better from him. ect. Either way it keeps the door open and hurt a place to live. Stick to NC and YOUR SAYING i have closed this door. And that is strength of taking control of you own healing. You are wanting to believe that this is a good man, he has repeated proven he is not, do not give him another chance to do so again.
GrayClouds Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 I'm not doing it to blame him - it is just reiterating to him that it was his choice not to do anything about the problems.... which is true If you iterated it once, then he knows and choosing to ignore it, his inability to change is no refection of your worth. Believe that.
Author wendigo Posted March 3, 2010 Author Posted March 3, 2010 ok guys.... :'( thanks.... you're right .... The closure has to be up to me. I guess I am trying to make/force it to happen.... it's just not happening.... how can I speed this up?!! I know it's time - but really - are there any thoughts? activities? ways of thinking? quotes? ideas....! That's the worst things - you either have closure or you don't. It's like there is no half way. I've felt moments of closure.... but they keep coming back... I have a really ambitious plan ahead (devised tonight) that involves working from rock bottom and working my a** off like never before. It includes moving to a temporary place to stay (which I have lined up) so I don't go mad at my parent's (and they don't go mad with me) - bit of space to myself and I can be miserable or dance around naked all I want. I can always visit my parents/friends when I'm lonely - the place is in a rural/coastal area.. nice - but I can only afford to stay there 5 weeks Also...I've got 5 weeks to get all my post grad coursework in - so I can do it in the temporary new and place/school/librabry -try and set up a movie night with gf's from school that is cheap adn god company and well deserved after working hard. Then, once coursework is completed.......... (Come on!!!!! I can do it!!!!!) I have 3 avenues to go down to earn some money which will be a new challenge but one I really need to move my life forward and screw all that low self esteem I'm getting out there! Then find somewhere GOOD I can afford to live, and then do the practical research part for my post grad course.....(which hopefully will involve a trip to a nice hot country if I win the funding) him on my mind is the only thing that is stopping me.. and how he has crushed me.. What's driving me? The fact if I don't get my post grad done this year I see it as another year away from earning good money, another year away from starting a family or rather being more prepared to have a family when I'm ready. I literally want to get my paints out and paint an abstract baby in a womb on a canvas for me to look at for motivation!! I am building my life to have a family! Is that really bad? To want one of my own so much!! I am preparing for a good life ahead in all of this.. and these next five weeks are important... (hence me wanting to free the shackles of my ex off me). I'm not going to be very happy in a few weeks time when I've messed up all my post grad coursework because of a worm that didn't give a **** about my feeling am I? That my heartbreak over him made me perform badly... but it effects me.... phew...................... breathe............ got to do it for me.... for my future... so I am ready for great possibilites..... miss him.... What can I do practically to shift him out of heart again? (Really I'm reasking the question any ideas of how to move forward... bear in mind. time is something I am now very short of as I will be working like crazy on my coursework)... Thanks everyone for your help... really the hurt... how much I dearly miss him.... I know it takes time... I guess missing him is no different to me feeling unloved in the relationship... except he's said - there is no relationship
GrayClouds Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 (edited) Can I make a observation...As much as you did care for this guy, and still having feeling for him, maybe...possible...just even a little....focusing on him is a convenient distraction from getting on with your life? Speed this up.... Jump into that work like there is now tomorrow. Getting it done will make you feel good about yourself, feeling good about yourself will help you realism how bad he was for you, and how well you can make your future be. I literally want to get my paints out and paint an abstract baby in a womb on a canvas for me to look at for motivation!! and do that too Edited March 3, 2010 by GrayClouds
Author wendigo Posted March 3, 2010 Author Posted March 3, 2010 Can I make a observation...As much as you did care for this guy, and still having feeling for him, maybe...possible...just even a little....focusing on him is a convenient distraction from getting on with your life? Thanks GC .. I honestly couldn't say I am if doing it conciously... but the comment is one that does make me aware that its something I should be aware of... gratefully received..
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