fiance left me

March 3, 2010

hey there, well dont know where to start so ill just go ahead with this.

My partner and had been together until sat for 7 yrs on and off, at one point we broke up she ended up with another guy. then came back to me, we have split up about 4 times. but always ended up back together, and got engaged in rome last year.

She moved in at first it was great, but now, on Saturday after a series of arguments, and rows, and the fact that I would communicate, and let problems build. she said she was unhappy, and wanted to leave.

I not sure how unhappy as we were discussin wedding venues etc last week, and in general got on great at times!.

But to be fair, i have been staying up watching the olmpics, hid myself away in our spare room, and played the ps3 than discuss any issues. I wouldnt approach

Its all now a mess - she moved out said she is moving her stuff out on sat.

What do I do....

Ive just sent her a txt telling her how I miss, her how I feel like when she handed the ring back I have been shot, and this time breaking is so much harder as I thought we were together forever.

the other complication, is we were part of a big social gang, that hung out, now it might be difficult for everyone....

I just want her back should i give it space and no contact? or go and see her at her parents? we are like late 20's. and I am not one for upset, but i was uncontrollably upset for days now.... i feel like someone has passed away its that bad....

please help

March 3, 2010

Hugs.

Sorry you're going through this.

Yes, go 'no contact'. NOT because that'll get her back but because it'll give you time and (emotional) distance to gain proper perspective.

She was obviously unhappy enough to break her engagement, and clearly you're aware that your under-developed communication skills and inability to deal with problems in a timely, effective manner are contributing factors.

You may wish to consider improving your relationship and life skills because it just is difficult to have a mutually fulfilling and supportive romantic relationship without.

In any case, if she decides to give you another chance, she will be looking for positive and permanent changes in these areas: Make yourself a more attractive option by learning how to effectively express your own needs, feelings, dislikes and preferences, and how to discuss and resolve problems as they arise. AND THEN see if she'd consider going through the reconciliation process with you.

In the meantime, give her the time and space that you BOTH need right now.

Best of luck.

March 3, 2010

thanks, ive just spilled my heart out to her this morning by email, as she isnt answering the phone. and hv opened up emotionally since she left, ive said that there is nothing else i can do or say and it will never be too late as I love her...... and hope that if given the chance this can make us stronger, as we have always worked through things.

just further advice, when split before she it has taken over 4 months, before she was ready to talk.... i dont think I can put myself through all this again, if it drags out....

Im not sure how I can show her anything If i dont see her.....

i feel helpless watching her move out......

hardest parts are the morning and getting up......

thanks ronni

March 3, 2010

Ah, okay.

So you've sent that email and that's gotta be fine. But. Next time you get such urges, do yourself a favour and log-in to LoveShack's coping forum and post in the thread titled "Post here instead of contacting your ex!" http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t117844/

Seriously. Your email was NOT a demonstration of "opening up emotionally." It's more like emotional vomit, coming from feeling sorry for the situation you've gotten yourself into, etc.

Did you even remember to say that you're sorry for not communicating, for letting problems build, and for avoiding instead of working together with her to resolve issues?

Im not sure how I can show her anything If i dont see her.....

You don't have anything new or improved to show her yet, so it's BETTER that you don't see her.

*IF* you make a concerted effort at personal development, it'll take months and months of learning and practicing for any real improvements to happen...and it's only after that that you'll have anything to "show her".

So, don't worry about not seeing her -- pray that she doesn't see you until you can consistently demonstrate more adult-mature relationships skills. If she sees you before then, it's just going to remind her that she made a very wise decision to leave.

In the meantime,

Yes it's going to be difficult. You may want to consider working with an individual therapist to make it easier to cope.

March 3, 2010

thanks, I said,

"please can we talk, we have worked hard all over those years, ok there have been issues, but in the end we always sorted things, out. which I thought would make us stronger, I have realised that ive been conceited, selfish, unthoughtful, immature, and uncaring at times, this has made me take a long hard look at myself - and maybe things have resorted bak in the ppast, but the difference is I felt that we were together forever after being engaged. I am speak to you as the guy you fell in love with and the guy you wanted to sepnd the rest of your life with and have our childen. You mean the work to me, and always have done. I want to do right, and build my life around you, not me, and a family with you in years to come. I know I am to blame, and I knew you were gettong unhappy, however I also know how upset you are this has happened, and that you love me. I have caused this withbut I know I can sort this, I feel like I have been shot I have never felt like that in my life. If you could please take time to talk to the man you know and love, and wanted to be with for the rest of your life - in time we can get over this. It will never be too late as far as im concerned as I love you Deliliah . There is nothing left for me to possibly say thats not already been said, other than I hate myself for this and have had the biggest wake up call im ever likely to get in life.. I agree with everything you have said. I just hope as has been proved in the past - love can get us through this.

that the most ive ever splillled out to anyone!

March 3, 2010

sorry for spelling, using one these new fancy keyboards with funny shape!

March 3, 2010

sorry for spelling, using one these new fancy keyboards with funny shape!

Funny-shaped keyboards will do that!

So the rest of this. Reject everything that doesn't make sense or resonate with you on some level. Fair enough?

I get that you're hurting. But where your head is, how you're seeing and thinking about things...you're just gonna keep getting hurt if you don't start changing some of it. Whether it's with this woman or the next one.

Here's the problem with your email: It is just so much self-serving crap.

And it's full of assumptions and telling her how she feels. And it's completely delusional if you think you've been able to make all the MAJOR changes necessary to how you think, do, say and act...in half a week.

She's going to see through all of it.

You are not, in fact, "the man she fell in love with."

That man would not have acted complacent after the engagement (which you admit to, yourself.) That man would have held up his end of the partnership. He would not have checked out, emotionally. He would live up to his responsibility to work together to solve problems.

I say this with confidence because:

People do not "fall in love" and choose to spend the rest of their lives with someone who is not going to act like a fully engaged, mature, active participant in the relationship.

She would have had other visions, dreams and hopes about you than what you actually ended up "contributing". She would have envisioned something vastly different and better for herself. (Whether her perceptions and expectations of you were reasonable and realistic, I do not know. But. Rest assured that she did not "fall in love" with who/how her man of choice actually proved himself to be.)

If you want an opportunity to have a long, happy, mutually fulfilling life with this woman...start taking a kind but critical look at your own beliefs about what it means to be a partner-spouse; what are your DAILY and LIFE-LONG responsibilities and obligations to your partner and to the relationship.

There are BASIC things that...even if she comes back to you today, you're still not the man with whom she wants to be in love.

And if it's not her but someone else...that woman also does not want a complacent, non-communicative, emotionally unavailable person for her lifetime mate.

If you don't start figuring out your own crap, it's still going to bite you in your ass sooner or later.

It's about if you want to be an effective, involved, engaged, loving, supportive, understanding, emotionally intimate mate. If that's not a goal of yours, then please ignore and reject everything I just typed. Seriously.

Edited March 3, 2010 by Ronni_W

March 4, 2010

well i txt her, dam i shouldnt have but she is process of moving out..... asked her to reconsider, didnt plead.... but its a no goer....

she said her minds made up I wont convinve her otherwise, and that it was hard enough for her to cope she has taken 4 days of her work this week.

im now at a stage, of anger she has shown no compassion for our 7 yrs together the engagment, or anything,.....

or is that natural.....

surely she will get over the anger and hurt, and then it will hit her?

is NC the best idea now? and if she contacts me what do it do?

March 4, 2010

Hugs, jude.

I know it is difficult on you. But it is ALSO difficult on her...as she has already told you.

She already gave patience and compassion to your relationship. It was your inaccurate belief that those qualities come from a vast and bottomless well. You used it all up; exhausted and depleted that well -- withdrew without making compensatory deposits.

She left because she chose something better for herself than what she was getting with and from you after 7 years and an engagement. She has the right to choose better, and she is right that she deserves better than a complacent, non-communicative, emotionally unavailable person for her lifetime mate.

She is now showing compassion for her Self. That demonstrates self-awareness, self-love and high self-esteem on her part. She knows what she does NOT want for the rest of her life, and she is making difficult decisions that will be in her long-term best interests.

Your anger is natural, yes, but also misguided. And, if you went underneath the surface of it, you're likely also to find self-pity and blame. But she is not really to blame, is she? She had no control over how you chose to act and what type of partner you decided to be.

I'm not sure why you're guessing that she feels angry(?) I'd suspect she's more likely to be feeling along the lines of deceived and disappointed. Hurt, certainly.

I have no doubt that she WILL miss the good-positive aspects of being with you...but obviously, FOR HER, it's that how you acted, the "bad-negatives" ended up outweighing the good.

To me, yes, 'no contact' on your part sounds like your wisest strategy...for reasons I stated in post #2 (not to try to manipulate her into changing her mind.)

If she contacts you. If it's to take care of business and tie-up loose ends, I'd just keep communications strictly to that. If it's to ask after your well-being...you can decide how to respond to that. Something like, "I'm sure I'm going to be fine," might take you further down the road of recovery, healing and moving forward than spilling your emotional guts all over her psyche.

Like I said. I know it's difficult. I'm going to suggest again that you consider individual therapy -- plenty o' good things will result...*if* you make proper commitment and effort. It's all up to you.

March 7, 2010

Hey thanks for your help so far....

So here I am, I was at a wedding yesterday, ( the only single person ) in my group. It really hit home yesterday - Watching my mate standing up there, quite emotional, and I cracked, in front of everyone..... they were very supportive.

However now I am feeling very down again, she moved all her belongings out yesterday, and I was left the set of keys to pick up on returning from my weekend away....

We exchanged emails on friday, to finalise it all, and had a open email discussion which was nice - and very mature, she explained that she couldnt go on bickering, and shouting at me.....

Im contemplating going to see a therapist, but Im not sure if they help or not....

Tonight, I am going to bed, feel a bit down, tired, and really just want to go away..... or get away.....

Really missing her - having to stop myself, from txting or even phoning....

This is just not where i expected to be at all.

March 9, 2010

hey there, just wanted to write, ok, the wedding that was incredibly difficult, and the returning to an empty home its all really began to sink in...

I need to give myself a shake, I came in from work and just lay in the dark for over 2 hours thinking, about it all - fell asleep woke up, went for food, and then ended up staying up all night, and now im shattered.

I came into an email from her mother basically saying how they are sorry, that things didnt work out, they all loved me - and that she knew something wasnt right.... and that her daughter is finding it tough...

its my birthday in 2 weeks, doing that alone, will just be great.....

Yeh im annoyed, angry and so pisd of with myself, as I was selfish.... I am looking at giving myself a shake. This has really been the hardest part of my life....

I want to reach out show her but its too early, but I cant do anything - NC is actually making it worse - not sure - its still early days i guess.

I know I need to give myself, a shake, believe me im not normally like this...

March 9, 2010

I know the common advice is NC, but I'm gonna go a little different here...

1) Clearly you guys had problems -- considering you were relegating yourself to the spare room (playing ps3).

It's easy to blame yourself when things fall apart, but I'm sure we're missing some of the story. I'm fairly sure she wasn't perfect in all of this.

I'm not saying to beat her up about that, but you should try to keep that in mind. It's not completely your fault.

2) IMHO, NC is a strategy to avoid being pulled back and forth by an insensitive ex. NC lets you focus on yourself while also making your ex miss you.

But before you can do that, you gotta sometimes let the early stages of the break up run their course. If you need to stalk her and make a fool of yourself, then do it. Let it out. Short of hurting someone or destroying property, the way you behave right now will generally be understandable.

3) You may want to consider therapy. Just to have someone to talk with could be helpful. I mean, it's good to let it out in a setting where someone can give you some objective and professional advice.

4) Remember that MANY people have gone through and are going through the same thing. And btw, your situation is the typical scenario. People get frustrated with each other and start taking each other for granted.

Not uncommon at all.

5) Brace yourself for the possibility that she may start seeing someone else. This is the hardest pill to swallow. It doesn't necessarily mean there's no hope for a reconciliation, but this may be part of your not-so-distant future.

Anyway, good luck man.

March 9, 2010

Hey.

It's not actually NC that's making it worse. What makes it all so horrible is the self-realization that your current experience (thoughts, feelings, being on your own) are the consequences of your own prior, misguided, ill-conceived beliefs and behaviours.

The positive is that these types of insights have the potential for you to take personal responsibility for your own current conditions, to start improving your relationship skills and beliefs, and to not get into blaming and resenting your ex.

Of course you didn't need her mom to tell you that she's also finding it difficult -- she told you that herself.

I'm going to challenge you to STOP telling yourself that you "need to" give yourself a shake...and just do it already!

How you're acting now is turning you into even LESS of the man she fell in love with, or with whom she envisions herself falling in love with next time. That is, once again you're choosing thoughts, feelings and behaviour that do not have a hope in Hades of bringing you what you want. (Is it making sense to you, to continue on this self-defeating path?)

If you want to communicate anything at all to her, just let it be messages about how you're STARTING to realize that you stopped being the man she fell in love with, and that you're sorry you became a complacent/lazy, non-communicative partner and made yourself emotionally unavailable. (Be specific...don't just do a generic, "I'm sorry." Those kinds of 'sorries' don't mean very much at all.)

I'd encourage you to not, at this point, start making promises about "doing better" -- just start doing better for and by yourself, and you can let her know about it in 6 or so months, when YOU actually start feeling and seeing your own results. Until then, your words will just not mean very much at all.

Now. Quit acting like a self-pitying weenie...give yourself a darn good shake! Just do it!!! Yes?

Hugs and best of luck.

March 9, 2010

Hi thanks, I will take all advice on board, i might continue to post here.

but I have to think when someone moves, out hands back the ring, that it is over.....

Im hurting but ill get there.....

I wont be telling her that I realise etc, or am begining to .... as I said this to her in her past adn didnt change.

guess everything happens for a reason.

March 11, 2010

Hey well another day gone, and you cant stop yourself thinking about things.... one thing that happened that really did upset her was her how I was with her best friend....

I was pretty abrupt and sometimes not so nice about her - she dates my mate - and after a while I began to realise that is was uncomfortable.... they were all loved up (in your face type)- and I used to take offense at how close they were pretty stupid really.... and selfish....

Anyway the wedding I was at the weekend - I broke down - while watchin my friend get married - thinking of all the dreams I had with this girl.... you know what - this friend of my ex - she rubbed my back in comfort when she saw I was like getting upset - I couldnt control it - it was Tough man.......( she was kind of - sayihng I guess with that touch - hey it will be ok) --- sometimes touch is 1000 times better than to say to words to console someone ( ive jsut realised that too) - that really showed the person to me that she is - and I guess thats why my friend fell madly deeply in love with her....

anyway as part of this realisation and understadning - journey im going through, that meant so much to me - she prob heard how I was to her and how I was to my ex at times - yet she still did that - then she offered to speak to me outside we had a big chat - , and today she emailed to ask if im ok, that her and jim were worried about me.... I had a brief upset / guilt min there when I was like "dam she has been so lovely, and I didnt see it, I let my selfish motives, block al that.... I was probably jelious of the love they shared.... me and my ex were once like that.....

its like every emotion is coming out of me right now -I am not one for all that, never have been maybe thats been the problem - I feel strange but somewhat ..... its like im hopefully cleansing my mindset and outlook on life....

So another day NC - other than her friend ill be honest folks - the pain of not seeing her is deep - then again she will be driving past my work - I wonder what she is thinking....... maybe nothing.... who knows.....

I just wanted to share that... I hope every one else is getting through there hard times - early days for me, and believe me - Ive never been like this - not felt pain since the loss of my grandad....

AS I said we have split before - 4 times - but never has it cut this deep.

Have a good day y'all.

March 11, 2010

AS I said we have split before - 4 times - but never has it cut this deep.

I know, huh? It's like *why* couldn't we just have learned from the FIRST three times we got the chance to do better? [cos, in the end] We're still left having to learn those exact same lessons that we coulda and shoulda...but with so much more pain and trauma!

"Learning the hard way" indeed -- why, why, why do we have the tendency to do that to ourselves???

In any event.

Wishing you a good day, too -- at least, as good as it can get under the current circumstances

March 17, 2010

Well its day 11 no contact - it feels like ages, its been tough, everyone asks, have you heard from her... I admit the sleeping patterns have been varied, specially earlier in the weekdays.

i havent seen her since day 17 - i still have mixed emotions angry sad, a bit upset - who knows.... its al been a hell of a lot to take in.....

Splitting up is never easy, when someone doesnt want it - then what can you do I guess, you just have to take things on board - and the reason I could shoulda woulda... the reason, Ive realised I havent ever discussed things, is I was scared- scared of arguing and losign her which is what happened anyway - but I know now - the communication is vital......

She is the only girl, that I ever was so unique in her own right, and the only girl I really ever thought wow..... she blew me away at times.... Its strange, I know we could go back and date, and end up going back out - but i think when someone hands you a ring back, and a lifetime together - then there is no more......

I guess deep down, I could get dumped, broken so many times - I just love her, I never asked to love her like I do- but I do..... I just know now I should have shown her more love, and all the things mentioned..... got lost up in my own selfish cloud.

anyway time to take it day by day - ive been out running, and going to the gym in the last two weeks, and I seem to have lost weight. eaten alot better. and now is this time to focus on myself.

Spending my birthday was not intended to be lonely - however - I have good friends and family - im sure i will get through it.....

what doesnt kills u makes u stronger ---- right!???

Miss her but wont make contact

March 23, 2010

After a weekend of NC - I broke, she txt, and then I emailed her as I has so much to say. read from bottom up.....

Ive laid it all on the line - prob my dignity is out the window I dont care anymore.

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Hey thanks for your email, and thanks for you honesty.[/FONT][/sIZE]