davegfx Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Hi A little less than a year and a half ago I met a woman 7 years older than me (I was 27, she was 34) who had a 1 year old son from a previous relationship. She had broken up with him before the baby was born. We dated, we fell in love with each other, and I grew to love her son dearly. I will save the long drama filled breakup story except to say after a 2 month break and subsequent getting back together following by constant questioning on her part whether we were right for each other, she broke up with me about a week before Valentines. Even though the signs were there, and i sort of knew it was an inevitability, it has absolutely crushed and devastated me as I'm really feeling the loss of them both. I found out a week later that she jumped right into another relationship with a guy (i would like to doubt that anything happened during the relationship) which has seemed to escalate very quickly. It does seem to read like a classic rebound, but who knows. My question though is how to move forward with her son involved? I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm bitter etc, but at the end of the day, I can accept if i'm not right for her, then long term it is best that we're not together. Now that I try to get over her, and have extremely limited contact, what do i do in regards to her son? She expressed that she wanted to have me in his life as we had a very close bond, but after this revelation that she's with someone already, I'm just so angry. Will seeing her son only prolong the agony? How do i stay involved in him while allowing myself to heal? Can someone give me some advice as I would really like to stay in this boy's life. Thank you.
nowomanocry Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Hi A little less than a year and a half ago I met a woman 7 years older than me (I was 27, she was 34) who had a 1 year old son from a previous relationship. She had broken up with him before the baby was born. We dated, we fell in love with each other, and I grew to love her son dearly. I will save the long drama filled breakup story except to say after a 2 month break and subsequent getting back together following by constant questioning on her part whether we were right for each other, she broke up with me about a week before Valentines. Even though the signs were there, and i sort of knew it was an inevitability, it has absolutely crushed and devastated me as I'm really feeling the loss of them both. I found out a week later that she jumped right into another relationship with a guy (i would like to doubt that anything happened during the relationship) which has seemed to escalate very quickly. It does seem to read like a classic rebound, but who knows. My question though is how to move forward with her son involved? I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm bitter etc, but at the end of the day, I can accept if i'm not right for her, then long term it is best that we're not together. Now that I try to get over her, and have extremely limited contact, what do i do in regards to her son? She expressed that she wanted to have me in his life as we had a very close bond, but after this revelation that she's with someone already, I'm just so angry. Will seeing her son only prolong the agony? How do i stay involved in him while allowing myself to heal? Can someone give me some advice as I would really like to stay in this boy's life. Thank you. Your relationship is over and you have nothing to do with her son anymore - do not understand either why you want to keep in contact with the son anyway?? I think the only way to see her son is to be friends with her - which might be possible from wot you wrote up there as you seem to have split amicably eh? Good luck
TaraMaiden Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 I'm afraid I have to agree. her son isn't even in the equation. He doesn't figure in your life, legally, morally or responsibly. you are out of her life, ergo - sorry to say - you're out of his, as well. There is nothing there for you to question. The only thing you can do, is just move on.
Fouts Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Your ex, this child's mother is foolish for exposing her child to these men that are coming in and out of her life. You're a prime example. There'll probably be 5 more before he's a teenager. Hard to blame some of these kids for turning out the way they do when this is the home life they have. Shame on her, what a horrible job of parenting and yes dave, you're out of the picture, daddy #3 is up at the plate now. Let it go completely.
Author davegfx Posted March 3, 2010 Author Posted March 3, 2010 Wow....have to admit I'm a bit shocked at how callously most of you seem to dismiss this. And while I'm bitterly hurt at how there is another man in her life already, she's actually an incredible mother. Regardless of any sort of moral, legal, whatever responsibility I don't have, I spent the last year growing to love this boy as my own. The fact that he's not mine doesn't change the fact that I love him. Just because he's not mine, I should just dismiss him out of hand?
GrayClouds Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Wow....have to admit I'm a bit shocked at how callously most of you seem to dismiss this. And while I'm bitterly hurt at how there is another man in her life already, she's actually an incredible mother. To be so careless to her child more suggest she is not. She is putting her need for affection ahead of her child's development. That is callous. I is great that you are showing more quality toward this child's interest then she is. It is great if you could stay in his life. I real respect your desire of want to. Thoughtful people do not move in an out of relationship like this woman does as much is it is your desire to be better then her, your, like her son is at her mercy. You have no legal means to do so, and would be total dependent on his mothers whim. Which she has already showed a high degree of volatility. What if the new man, or the man after this one, or the one after that decides he does not like the idea of an EX nosing around the family. Should you build even a deeper connection with this child for it to be broken later? Staying involved now will only prolong your pain, and more importantly postpone the damage that her poor behavior is having on her son. Again she is the mother. you can not protect him from her. even though we all wish you could.
Author davegfx Posted March 3, 2010 Author Posted March 3, 2010 Thank you for your response. I mean - yes, I'm absolutely disgusted that she's with another man, not only out of my own romantic bitterness, but obviously because of her son. You're right is is callous and honestly, we did have a very loving relationship, so it feels really disrespectful as well. To add salt to the wound, this all went down barely a month after my parents paid for both her and her son to join us in cuba over christmas. So it feels like a huge slap in the face to not only me but my family as well. Its very hard for me right now to reconcile my anger and bitterness about her moving on so quickly with my love for her son, and obviously her. I'm not trying to be some holier than thou character but I don't want to be spiteful and vindictive, or remember our relationship with anger. i established a bond with her boy - regardless of what happens in their futures, I don't want to just abandon him. I recognise how hard it will be for him growing up if there are multiple men in his mother's life - so I'd like to at least offer some consistency. Even, if it just more as an uncle type figure? Her being with another guy already is very out of character - at least from how I knew her. The fact that they've moved so quickly in their relationship just leads me to believe that it's just a very misguided attempt to move on with her life, mask her pain, and not deal with the emotions of breaking up. I don't know if that's just me just hoping it is so. She has said she wants me to be involved with his life, and I would dearly like to continue to do so. I just wonder how to move forward as I won't deny, I still love her dearly, and seeing him will be a constant reminder of that.
threebyfate Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 I feel for the little guy but he's not your responsibility and I think your motives to stay in his life, aren't just about caring, albeit I'm sure you do love him. He's a way to stay in her life. If you "prove" what a great guy you are, maybe, just maybe, when her new relationship falls apart, she'll realize what a great guy you are and come back to you. This is such a slippery slope. Do you honestly want to be the unpaid babysitter, while she's out with her new guy?
Author davegfx Posted March 3, 2010 Author Posted March 3, 2010 Sure threebyfate, that is a good point. Honestly, I don't know how much of my desire to see him is a manifestation of my desire to still be in her life. It's all too sudden and overwhelming for me to really understand my emotions and motivations as they're often completely contradictory. I will say though, it's not about proving I'm a good guy to win her back. I did not go into the relationship expecting to become a part of the boys life, it just happened very naturally and instinctually over time. In retrospect, we may have let it become to much the focus of our relationship and not set enough time for just US. So, I'm not changing my colours all of a sudden to get her back, it's always been this way my relationship with him. You're right though tt is a slippery slope. I would HATE to be the babysitter while she's out banging the new guy .
threebyfate Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 dave, there isn't one single person on this earth, who can remain objective, when experiencing the emotional turmoil of break up. That's why it's best not to make any definitive decisions, until you're able to be objective, to an extent. I recommend you step back from interaction with the ex and her little boy, until your head is a little more clear. IF she's as wonderful a mother as you say, she will compensate for any loss, with HER son. Realistically speaking, a baby recovers pretty quickly from peripheral caregivers. He would suffer far more, if she was removed.
Author davegfx Posted March 3, 2010 Author Posted March 3, 2010 Right. Thankfully I'm heading off abroad for 2 weeks looking after a bunch of kids on a rugby tour, so my mind will be fully occupied and not fixated on the breakup, and hopefully allow me to get a bit more perspective on the situation. I agree on the baby - I don't think at this point he would even really be aware that I'm gone. His mother is his whole life. I'm just trying to think long term him having a male figure who will be there, no matter what. But i guess if that's my intention, and in lieu of his age, taking a step back for a few weeks is not going to adversely affect him.
GrayClouds Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 TA little less than a year and a half ago I met a woman 7 years older than me (I was 27, she was 34) who had a 1 year old son from a previous relationship. She had broken up with him before the baby was born. VS Her being with another guy already is very out of character - at least from how I knew her. I really do not think your see this through rational eyes, this woman is a bit out of control.
Author davegfx Posted March 4, 2010 Author Posted March 4, 2010 Sure...i guess it's hard to see someone you love in that light.
Johnootes Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 Davegfx - I have a very similar situation. PM me and I'll tell you all about it.
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